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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 11:22

You don't stop being a parent when your child turns 18 and close families do stick their noses into each others business like it or not.

Of course you don't stop being a parent, but you do respect the fact that your child is now an adult and owes you absolutely no explanation about their life and income.

We're a close family, and my lot know they can talk to me about anything without judgement - and they have done. It doesn't sound like OPs DD can do that.

There's also a massive difference between insisting they tell you something and emotionally manipulating them into giving information, and expressing loving, parental concern and keeping non judgemental coms open for them if they need it.

TatianaBis · 10/01/2022 11:24

Of course you don't stop being a parent, but you do respect the fact that your child is now an adult and owes you absolutely no explanation about their life and income.

Of course they do if they’re buying me and my other kids stuff with said income.

I highly doubt it is but if it turned out to be drug money you’d look really stupid.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 10/01/2022 11:50

@sociallydistained

What a generous sister! Even if she is doing onlyfans etc, how kind of her to spend her money on her brother. Maybe have a chat with her about saving and investing options if she has access to large amounts of money. Sounds like she could be saving towards a house deposit instead of spending on gadgets for her little bro and she is in a really fortunate position if so!
The OP's daughter is evidently making enough money to buy expensive presents for her brother, whilst simultaneously accepting "pocket money" of £100 a month from her parents.

As a parent, I'd want to talk about that, irrespective of where this income is coming from.

I'd also want to discuss her tax situation.

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 12:34

@TatianaBis

Of course you don't stop being a parent, but you do respect the fact that your child is now an adult and owes you absolutely no explanation about their life and income.

Of course they do if they’re buying me and my other kids stuff with said income.

I highly doubt it is but if it turned out to be drug money you’d look really stupid.

Don't be ridiculous. Do you ask everyone who buys you things where the money comes from??
TatianaBis · 10/01/2022 12:47

I would if I thought it might come from drugs or sex work.

I would have thought the problem was patently obvious with drugs. Expensive gifts from proceeds of drugs could be classed as benefiting from proceeds of crime.

StationaryMagpie · 10/01/2022 12:51

i get the impression the OP isn't planning to come back.

RobertaFirmino · 10/01/2022 13:08

What if it was something like FinDom, feet pics, worn shoes/tights?

Original poster
Curato · 10/01/2022 13:13

I am coming back it’s just I have not had the chance to speak to dd yet as she said she was busy yesterday when I messaged her asking for a chat. I have read all the responses and taken on board the comments about not pushing her away.

I am going to take the advice of saying that I love and am worried for her and what she may have got herself into and that she can tell me anything and that I will help in anyway I can.

OP posts:
Conspiracyornotr · 10/01/2022 13:17

@Curato all we can do for our children is be their and be supportive sometimes we made wrong choice or mad decisions. Just let me know whatever your their and want to help just make her see how worried you are. All the best x

jeaux90 · 10/01/2022 13:27

If I was you I would pop over to the FWR section and post on there about how to address it with your DD if she is doing only fans or escort work.

It is extremely dangerous at worst, but also the evidence will be there for any potential employer to find.

I'm a feminist so I don't agree with any of it but as a mother the concern would immediately be about her safety and further well being.

BoredZelda · 10/01/2022 13:58

iPhone AND Apple watch, eh? I agree that seems unusual for a student to be able to drop that much on a gift for a child.

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 14:05

@Curato I'm glad you got chance to pop back, and I think what you plan to say when you speak to your DD is far more measured and less confrontational than your previous idea. As I said upthread you know your daughter best, although as they get older they do to a certain extent become different people to those children we raised. I hope you can have a chat with her soon.

Beowulfa · 10/01/2022 14:08

@KurtWilde

You don't stop being a parent when your child turns 18 and close families do stick their noses into each others business like it or not.

Of course you don't stop being a parent, but you do respect the fact that your child is now an adult and owes you absolutely no explanation about their life and income.

We're a close family, and my lot know they can talk to me about anything without judgement - and they have done. It doesn't sound like OPs DD can do that.

There's also a massive difference between insisting they tell you something and emotionally manipulating them into giving information, and expressing loving, parental concern and keeping non judgemental coms open for them if they need it.

Yes, university students are legally adults, but many if not most undergraduates still have a dependency link with their parents:

-the parents are full/part funding fees & living costs, or helping the student with rent-free accommodation (with free meals and laundry) during holidays, plus lifts to/and from uni
-the parents' low income means the student is entitled to fee waivers/scholarships etc
-parents may be asked to act as guarantors in private rentals (my parents got financially stung by my adult brother's choice of housemates and their shit adult actions)

It is not unreasonable for parents to have an interest in choices that affect the student's income and/or ability to focus on their studies. There are different ways of expressing that interest of course.

OP, if your daughter doesn't want to discuss it, I would consider contacting her department's Senior Tutor to alert them of your concerns. One of the things personal tutors are encouraged to discuss with students is if they losing sleep/study time through pressure to earn additional income (legal or not). Note that what the student says is in confidence and will not be repeated to parents without the individual's permission.

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 14:26

@Beowulfa I'm fully aware of what university students are, I have 2. They're also adults.

grapewine · 10/01/2022 14:29

@Joined4this

She’s an adult. It might be Onlyfans, she might be an influencer. Either way, you playing the heavy handed mum is going to push her away and alienate her while not resolving the problem. Try telling her you are there if she ever needs to talk.
Absolutely agree.

If you push this, she's unlikely to tell you anything at all.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 10/01/2022 14:43

I would guess an OnlyFans type thing too.

SleepyRich · 10/01/2022 14:50

Unfortunately likely to be OnlyFans, if not there's another group called sugarbabies which is more of an in person arrangement that quite a few students get drawn into for cash.

LittleMissMe99 · 10/01/2022 17:24

I'll almost guarantee she's doing Only Fans

Catnipdelight · 10/01/2022 17:33

OnlyFans or Seeking Arrangement. Has she got a sugar daddy? Lots of girls at uni are doing this.

StationaryMagpie · 10/01/2022 17:34

i think the thing you ought to bring up, is if the 'side hustle' is some kind of self employment/craft/whatever that is earning her money, she needs to declare the income for tax.

If its gifts through something like FinDom its a bit of a more shady area that'd need researching.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 10/01/2022 17:35

I really feel for you. This is extremely worrying. You need to realise though that you can't demand she tell you, I mean you can but it will make her more determined not to. Go with something like this:
‘look, I respect your choices. I cannot stop you doing whatever you are doing to get this money, but I would really like to be kept in the loop on what you are doing. I only want you to be safe and if I know what it is you're doing then I'm more likely to be able to help with that if anything were to go wrong. I realise I cannot control your decisions and cannot stop you, but I would appreciate if you told me, and I'm here for whenever you want to do that.’

Then you'll have to walk away. As others have said it is likely to be onlyfans, and if you have a problem with it, which I would myself, you have to follow through on your promise if she does tell you that and you will just have to accept it. Today’s world includes “sex positivity” which is basically an overall acceptance of things like pr0stitution. It's just the way things are. My daughter’s only 5 and I'm already aware of this so I will be instilling self respect in her (not interested in people’s comments there's no loss of self respect by having strange men m4asturbate over your naked body, this is my opinion and it's a well informed on) and I'm just grateful I have the opportunity to do this with foresight. Other parents with older children were taken by surprise by all this but as I've said a few times now; it's done now.

You can't do much about this but you might be able to get her to tell you what she's doing, and again, it's important that you simply accept it when she does. I'd rather know than not.

tttigress · 10/01/2022 17:35

Let's hope it is trading crypto currencies

Rtruth · 10/01/2022 17:40

She’s doing only fans…. If you can cope with that ask, if you can’t don’t.

Good on her, she’s prob paying most of uni fees off too

Gillimac37 · 10/01/2022 17:40

Hope she's not discovered easy credit. Unless she has a job, I'd be concerned.
A mum is always a mum and can ask direct questions because u care about her. X

Clymene · 10/01/2022 17:42

Of course students are legally adults. But the OP's daughter has used her parents' income to determine what level of grant she's entitled to, her parents are topping up her income by £100/month and I'm sure she still technically lives at home ie her university accommodation is temporary.

University students are often in a sort of suspended state between childhood and adulthood. Most of them move back home after graduating. Most insist on keeping their room available.

I wonder whether her giving your son expensive gifts is a way of trying to start a conversation with you. She must realise it raises a lot I'd red flags.

I hope your conversation goes well.