To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

She could have an online money slave (or several) or a sugar daddy. That's not unknown for students.

@Lincslady53

She is an adult, and entitled to privacy, however our son had money when he was at Uni which we eventually found out was due to him getting mixed up in cannabis dealing. 20 years later his life is a mess, he has never been able to hold down a job or a relationship, he has psychotic episodes, sometimes violent. It is a nightmare. Try to find out if she is involved with drugs and if she is, come down heavy on her. Do not listen to people who say it is just a phase. Make it clear that it is not acceptable, and do all you can to stop her.

I’m sorry to hear about your son @Lincslady53. My brother also messed his life up due to cannabis. People think it’s harmless but it isn’t. It can ruin lives.

The OP has only said her daughter would not say exactly what she was doing. She hasn’t expressed any other behaviour or concerns to conclude sex work.

@MichelledueMay
What assumptions do you hold about the behaviour or demeanour of women who engage in sex work?
They are all junkies? They sit around in their unmentionables at home all day necking beer?

Not necessarily sex work - but it has to be something the DD thinks her mother will object to or worry about her doing, almost certainly either because it is illegal or immoral. Otherwise why not explain what it is?

@Ellmau

Not necessarily sex work - but it has to be something the DD thinks her mother will object to or worry about her doing, almost certainly either because it is illegal or immoral. Otherwise why not explain what it is?

I hid working in a bar (a perfectly legit student job) from my mum due to her strong opinions and overbearing/controlling nature. Another pp says she made money making and selling t-shirts on etsy and when her mum found out she humiliated her into quitting. Entirely depends on the DDs relationship with her mother, and how judgemental, overbearing ans controlling OP has been in the past, or if she has form for overly criticising her dd.

The OP has only said her daughter would not say exactly what she was doing. She hasn’t expressed any other behaviour or concerns to conclude sex work.

What other behaviours would you expect? Practising her twerking round the front room in 7 inch clear PVC heels and sniffing lines off the dinner table?

I come from a perfectly nice, ordinary, respectable, middle class (teacher parents) family. You'd absolutely never have guessed what I did for my second job. My primary job (but secondary income) was being a nursery nurse. I was also a volunteering for various charities. 99% of the women I worked with were achingly normal.

@Curato

Thanks for all the replies.

I admit my first thought was that she was involved with drugs or something else illegal. I hadn’t considered sex work etc but maybe that’s my naivety.

She did spend a little more on mine and her dad’s Christmas presents but nothing near as stark as ds ( they do adore each other though).

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

And you wonder why she doesn’t want to tell you?! 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

22 years old can have many reasons why to not tell inquirying parents. Some dodgy, some harmless, but afraid parents might not be really approving, or not wanting to answer every single question the mum asks just because.

It doesn't have to be any kind of steady income, it can be something with several jigs a year which broadens the options even further. In that age my mum was not able to guess how much my quite normal jobs were paying, and I didn't wanted to tell details (*), as she was sharing every bit of my life with everyone else in the family. Not suggesting the OP does the same, just wanted to show, that there the concept "If she doesn't tell, it is dodgy" isn't really helpful here.

Gentle reopening as "being worried" should be possible, but any threats and demands sounds over the top. And be very careful not to suggest sex work, as if it wasn't that, it would be very embarrassing and show how low you feel about her. Suggesting Only fans would probably make her laugh, as everyone knows that it doesn't pay that well.

• I did some totally normal tutoring in wealthy communities, more responsible position than expected in company she knew I worked for, some bit more dodgy last minute assignments "tutoring"

What is she studying at Uni ?? Could it be a sideline associated with that ??

My youngest lad did graphics and has a decent job working in banking, but he's also got a nice little sideline in private work, through connections he's made where he works ( building with multiple businesses ) He can earn £500 by doing a few hours work on some redesigning stuff.

@Ellmau

Not necessarily sex work - but it has to be something the DD thinks her mother will object to or worry about her doing, almost certainly either because it is illegal or immoral. Otherwise why not explain what it is?

I worked in a nightclub when studying for my degree. Completely normal and above board, but I didn't tell my parents because I knew what their reaction would be.

Believe it or not (and judging from OPs update) some adult children have every right to be wary of what they tell their parents, even if it is above board.

Is there chance she's got a normal job but she's working full-time and skipping classes? Maybe grasping at straws here but I'm guilty of this myself, especially now classes are online.

I vote either only fans or she has a sugar daddy!

She is probably escorting, stripping or doing well on only fans. She's an adult, she doesn't have to tell you, I can understand your worry but it's not something I told my mother either. I made sure I was safe though, my friends knew.

@mathanxiety

The OP has only said her daughter would not say exactly what she was doing. She hasn’t expressed any other behaviour or concerns to conclude sex work.

@MichelledueMay
What assumptions do you hold about the behaviour or demeanour of women who engage in sex work?
They are all junkies? They sit around in their unmentionables at home all day necking beer?

Read my original post. It will give more context to what I mean. I have not mentioned any of the things that you have concluded I assume that sex workers get up to. I have no assumptions because I know that anyone, from any background can decide on a career in sex work. I also am aware of people in my profession who behave in the ways you have mentioned an many assume do not because you don’t associate that profession with the things you have noted.

I still don’t get why so many people believe this young lady is involved in sex work just because she doesn’t want to say what she does.

@mathanxiety don’t make assumptions about what I am thinking.

This whole thread is soooo bitter and even hateful.

Young woman earned some money, hasn't spilled the beans when asked and 2/3 of this thread are sure it is sex work.

@zoeFromCity

This whole thread is soooo bitter and even hateful.

Young woman earned some money, hasn't spilled the beans when asked and 2/3 of this thread are sure it is sex work.

It's because it's quite a remarkably large amount of money. I earn a really decent salary, after a good degree and ten years in the same career, but I would hesitate to spend 1k plus on a siblings Xmas/birthday presents. You've got to have had a pretty sizeable windfall to have that kind of money to spend. And at her age and lack of professional experience it's just not credible that she'll have got it in a mainstream way.

For example, a pp suggested working in a bar/nightclub - but that wouldn't be much more than £15 an hour and she can't be full time. As for the wax melts suggestion - just no, laughable, that brings in peanuts or even gets you in debt. She's not working for a corporate law firm. So what else is there?

She hasn’t expressed any other behaviour or concerns to conclude sex work

What behaviour or concerns do you suggest she should note in her DD that would cause her to conclude sex work, @MichelledueMay?

I'd bet money on it being only fans. No point trying to talk her out of it, it can be veryyyyy good money.

@CorneliusBeefington

The OP has only said her daughter would not say exactly what she was doing. She hasn’t expressed any other behaviour or concerns to conclude sex work.

What other behaviours would you expect? Practising her twerking round the front room in 7 inch clear PVC heels and sniffing lines off the dinner table?

I come from a perfectly nice, ordinary, respectable, middle class (teacher parents) family. You'd absolutely never have guessed what I did for my second job. My primary job (but secondary income) was being a nursery nurse. I was also a volunteering for various charities. 99% of the women I worked with were achingly normal.

@CorneliusBeefington read my original post for more context. Why would you think I would think that? What a silly comment to make. Anyone can make a decision to go into sex work, it is not reserved for the working class, as you believe being from a respectable, middle class family would make you less likely to go into sex work. I don’t hold these kind of stereotypes. I know anyone can make that choice a whatever reason they want to.

Like I said, I do not believe that we can conclude the OP’s daughter is involved in sex work because she won’t say what she is doing on the side. I would be looking for more evidence to come to this conclusion.

And for added context, I often twerk in my kitchen ,with my kids to make them laugh and they can join in. There is nothing wrong with twerking. I don’t think anyone would pay to see me twerk though.

@mathanxiety I take it you didn’t bother to read my original post where I clearly outlined some things I would be looking for.

At that age I waitressed - breakfast at a hotel and lunch/evening at Browns. Part time. On an average day I'd get £100+ in tips. Good day with great tables far more. Also at that age it feels like it is easy come easy go so I can totally see that she would choose to spend an extravagant amount on her favourite family member - possibly equivalent to 5/6 days tips.

My niece (22) can easily earn £40+ per hour tutoring. Sex work isn't all that is available!

@Mummy1608

I know it isn't a small amount. However, the Only fans is ridiculous suggestion (it doesn't pay well for waste majority of content creators there) and assuming sex work is just so much belittling of a person you know nothing about, aside of her being generous.

What she does? I don't know.
Maybe she vultures charity shops and resell the best on Ebay and has the best eye for valuable stuff. Maybe she "helped" with someone's coursework at last moment. Maybe she won a lottery and doesn't want to tell it, but wanted to share a bit of her good luck. Maybe she works much more hours than OP thinks, feel a bit guilty and wanted to make it better by making her brother happy. Maybe she does normal PT work and some SM management on top of it. Maybe they got some Christmas bonus in her work or employee discounts. Maybe she does normal work for much better rate (I did tutoring for 4×times the common rate for some time, as I had great recommendation, the family was wealthy and I wouldn't had been able to do it for less)

Anyway, if it isn't sex work and OP would mention it (even "carefully" and "indirectly" like talking about risks of digital footprint) it can be devastating for their relationship. For all we know the girl wanted to be generous and treat her brother. Maybe she expected thanks, not accusations.

Yes, explain worries, but don't start a war.

Quite a fair amount of my friends and acquaintances (in their 20’s) are involved in sex work, whether it’s only fan or escorting. It pays well. One of my friend makes 2k a month from OnlyFans and doesn’t even do nudes (just lingerie pics but she does have a bit of a following on Instagram which definitely kick started her OnlyFan following).

There are of course other ways to make money without selling your body. Online jobs are readily available nowadays. I would do translations a few years back and could make over 1k per project on fairly quick projects. English classes are also popular and can pay well if you know how to get students.

I thought about sex work myself (OnlyFan more so than escorting) as it seems fairly easy if you stay on the internet side, but the reality of this being on the internet just made it too risky and unappealing to me. So I sticked to old boring jobs lol.

That being said, as soon as I started having a bit more disposable cash, I spent it on my siblings. One of my brothers got a trip to the US for his 18th birthday (I worked and lived there) and my youngest brother was meant to go to Asia with me but Covid hit so while we wait, I do spoil him a bit (our parents are tight on cash so it makes me happy to make him feel special). I wouldn’t buy them a brand new IPhone. Not because I can’t afford it but because I don’t want to spoil them to the point that they would start expecting expensive things without putting in the work or trying to save for it. I can afford a new iPhone but even I make do with my old ones until I feel I need to upgrade (every two IPhones usually) and I would be happy to give them my 1-2 generation old one, or to participate to a certain amount for a brand new one IF they saved up the rest (aka most of it). My brothers bring me joy and as a big sister I see it as a bit of my job to spoil them (within limits) and make them feel special. Also as adults we start having a different relationship. Now I feel a bit more like the cool aunt who don’t see them much but will randomly ask them out on an adventure or will buy things that we will both enjoy. It’s a different way to bond really.

YANBU to want to know where the money is coming from but realistically you probably won’t find out, if you do you might not like it and if you don’t, there isn’t much you can do about it.

You might want to talk to your daughter about the risk of sex work and sites like only fan and see her reaction but that’s one of those moments where not much can be done as much as you would want to be able to do something about it.

@zoeFromCity yes I agree it can't be onlyfans. If you look at my first comment many pages back, I was one of the only people to point out that it's very hard to make £100s on onlyfans. There's too much free stuff out there so you'd have to do some pretty dark, to-order stuff to make that kind of money.

I'm sorry OP this must be very upsetting and I only hope I'm wrong.

One other (albeit unlikely) possibility. When I was a teen, a guy I was dating had a lot of cash on him - it was all a bit suspicious and our relationship didn't last long - it turned out he'd stolen a family friend's bank card and found out the pin and was carefully stealing small amounts regularly. I think when it got found out, his parents just paid it back and it all worked out. OP I hope it's something like this.