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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2022 15:47

@CustardySergeant - sorry, as pointed out, a misrepresentation. the handbooks are how to SUPPORT students engaging in sex work to fund their studies, as per this article. www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10084365/University-Leicesters-student-sex-worker-toolkit-sparks-furious-backlash.html
Durham University too, and probably others.

Doesn't make it any better, in my opinion.

Jjjayfee · 09/01/2022 15:54

I would talk to her in a caring way. It is easy for a young girl to be naive about the consequences of what they do. I did some things in complete innocence at that age which could have had very bad consequences.

FunkyPhantom · 09/01/2022 15:55

There probably is, supply and demand... .and all that 😆😆

Fetish stuff is kind of a niche market, feet/hands/food......you can market almost anything and you might get a willing audience.

I'm no expert by the way, just watched a couple of telly programmes about it 😁👍

PonyPatter44 · 09/01/2022 15:59

@DontBlameMe79

Am I the only one who thinks this is another made up thread designed to trigger middle class mums?
Don't working class mums care about their kids' well-being, then?
Trethew · 09/01/2022 16:00

Three weeks after her 18th birthday my daughter announced she was going to work as a stripper and lap dancer. I knew if her mind was made up she would carry on regardless of what I said. I also knew that provided I didn’t forbid it or make a fuss, or impose sanctions, I would have a better chance of knowing what was going on, and baling her out if there was a problem. She had a ball, earned a fortune, got into a few awkward situations but nothing serious. On a couple of occasions she had car trouble and I ended up driving to collect her at 3/4 am, and I have to say that the girls minus their makeup at the end of the night could just as easily have been a gaggle getting on a college bus. Many of them were financing their education that way. I was never comfortable with it, always anxious and fearing the worst, but nothing awful ever happened, there was huge camaraderie amongs the girls, and the club bouncers kept an eye out for them.

I am sure I will be slated for my attitude to this, and I would rather she had not followed this path, but it was nothing like as bad as I feared. I would also say that I think the punters were exploited by the girls far more than the other way round.

She grew out of it. Went to uni in her mid twenties and is now an NHS practitioner.

mogsrus · 09/01/2022 16:03

Hope it’s not the bendy card,

DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 16:03

Yes, but the triggering is likely to be greater in my experience for middle class mums and it’s that sort of pearl clutching that the OP is obviously going for. There are a slew of these posts today….like the “ partner’s new GF dressed by three year old…” one.

DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 16:05

…”my three year old…” 😄😄

NiceShrubbery · 09/01/2022 16:15

I don't think it was meant like that Pony

M-c mums are susceptible to triggering, as my charming dd often likes to remind me.

Sometimes I wish they were still leaving Lego on the stairs and writing on the furniture. Easier to deal with.

Ellmau · 09/01/2022 16:15

I find it really strange that many on this forum have jumped to the conclusion of sex work and alike to explain the expensive gifts.

It's the secrecy. Obviously.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 09/01/2022 16:27

Oh God I hope it isnt onlyfans, these girls can convince themselves theyre empowered all they want but once their vajayjay is out their it's out their for life. Including when theyre a mid 40s mum trying to live a boring life and bag a corporate job for themselves. I honestly do feel so sorry for these young girls who just can't see past the money.

Bluebluemoon · 09/01/2022 16:31

I haven't rtft but could she be involved in crypto currency?

MrsBerthaRochester · 09/01/2022 16:35

Escorting aka prostitution. Its not easy to make money on Onlyfans nowadays at all as the market is saturated.
I would be concerned if it wwre my dd as I have experience of video content being shared to other sites. Plus sex work can be hard to walk away from if you get used to the money.

redtshirt50 · 09/01/2022 16:40

I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

It could be something bad but it could also be something innocent she's just a bit embarrassed about.

Is there anyone else in your family who she might feel more comfortable to talk to?

I always used to tell my aunty things before my mum, because she could pre-warn my mum.

rainbowmash · 09/01/2022 16:50

@Cookerhood

If you are funding her university I think you have a right to know where her money is coming from. Apart from anything her income is part of household income for assessing what she is entitled to as a student loan. I would say that the expensive presents are actually a means to show you that she is earning money elsewhere. Most people would try to hide it.
Only on MN...

What a horrible thing to suggest that paying for someone's education affords you "the right" to know more about them, and demand more of them, than you would have before. People's boundaries are not transactional!

Also YABU and goady to suggest that the gifts are a subtle signal to incite intrigue in others.

Either you've had some really bad experiences with people or you enjoy exploiting strangers' narratives for needless drama.

FrankGrillosWrist · 09/01/2022 16:59

Do what you feel you have to do OP, ignore this lot & their daft comments 😆 But whatever it is, you ain’t gonna like it.

OnaBegonia · 09/01/2022 17:09

Why on earth do you think you're entitled to confiscate your sons gifts?
This is not the way to handle this by going off the deep end.

Clymene · 09/01/2022 17:11

@redtshirt50

I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

It could be something bad but it could also be something innocent she's just a bit embarrassed about.

Is there anyone else in your family who she might feel more comfortable to talk to?

I always used to tell my aunty things before my mum, because she could pre-warn my mum.

Like what? What innocent job could she be doing that means she can afford to drop over a grand on her little brother
LovedayCL · 09/01/2022 17:23

@PlanktonsComputerWife

You know that if it were a young lad, there wouldn't be such a resounding chorus of "he must be a rent boy."Confused
It’s almost as though women are exploited via sex work more than men?
LampLighter414 · 09/01/2022 17:28

Onlyfans or similar 100%

Good for her that she is using some of the proceeds on people she cares for

Georgeskitchen · 09/01/2022 17:49

You are right to be concerned. "Being an adult" doesn't make it any safer if it's something dodgy she has got into. What if its drugs? Prostitution?
If she isn't prepared to tell you I think you should advise her to scale back on the expensive gifts she is showering on the family

Curiousmouse · 09/01/2022 17:58

I wonder what she is studying, as a few students make good money using their learned talents.

CupcakesAndCastles · 09/01/2022 18:21

@Trethew

Three weeks after her 18th birthday my daughter announced she was going to work as a stripper and lap dancer. I knew if her mind was made up she would carry on regardless of what I said. I also knew that provided I didn’t forbid it or make a fuss, or impose sanctions, I would have a better chance of knowing what was going on, and baling her out if there was a problem. She had a ball, earned a fortune, got into a few awkward situations but nothing serious. On a couple of occasions she had car trouble and I ended up driving to collect her at 3/4 am, and I have to say that the girls minus their makeup at the end of the night could just as easily have been a gaggle getting on a college bus. Many of them were financing their education that way. I was never comfortable with it, always anxious and fearing the worst, but nothing awful ever happened, there was huge camaraderie amongs the girls, and the club bouncers kept an eye out for them.

I am sure I will be slated for my attitude to this, and I would rather she had not followed this path, but it was nothing like as bad as I feared. I would also say that I think the punters were exploited by the girls far more than the other way round.

She grew out of it. Went to uni in her mid twenties and is now an NHS practitioner.

You sound like an amazing mum if I’m honest x
mathanxiety · 09/01/2022 18:24

You can't confiscate items that belong to your son.

You can't insist she tell you where she's getting the money from.

What you can do is sit her down and convey to her in a gentle way that you are concerned she may be involved in something illegal, and if she is to please tell you, assuring her there will be no judgement, and that you and her dad will help as much as possible to get her out of any situation she is involved in.

The most you can do is try to steer her away from illegal activity. You need to accept that there are lucrative activities she could be involved in that are not illegal. You may consider them wrong but she may not share that feeling.

Assure her either way that there is no judgement on your part, and you would rather she confide in you than find herself in difficulty and feel she can't ask for help.

You can also ask her, as an adult, whether she feels she needs the allowance you provide monthly, or whether she can manage on her own, financially.

MichelledueMay · 09/01/2022 18:24

@Ellmau

I find it really strange that many on this forum have jumped to the conclusion of sex work and alike to explain the expensive gifts.

It's the secrecy. Obviously.

No, it’s your way of thinking. It’s not obvious in my view. When I read the post, my mind didn’t automatically assume that if someone doesn’t what to explain what they are doing that means they must be engaged in sex work. I also disagree with the comment that sex work is the only way to explain how a young person could afford a laptop, IPhone and Apple Watch.

The OP has only said her daughter would not say exactly what she was doing. She hasn’t expressed any other behaviour or concerns to conclude sex work.

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