Page 13 | To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

thetombliboo · 09/01/2022 14:21

Perhaps only fans or cam work etc. It's really popular for fast and good money. I don't think there is a stigma amongst young adults anymore.
I would be careful about your reaction if she feels pressured to tell you, If she doesn't want to then she will have a reason. Be careful not to make her feel shame. X

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 09/01/2022 14:23

My DD is Uni age and when I told her she said Only Fans but I agree that is a lot of money from that site

thetombliboo · 09/01/2022 14:26

Just to add if she is making money from Only Fans or online things financial advice is needed regarding self assessments and paying tax otherwise it is illegal.

Personally I think it would be unkind to confiscate your sons birthday and Xmas presents regardless of where they came from. It's not his fault.

MoFro · 09/01/2022 14:28

@octopusrus I know!!

Explains why the world is in such a mess and so many parents are ‘encouraging and supporting’ their kids to do this!

I can’t stop thinking about the future impact of these ‘empowering choices’….

NiceShrubbery · 09/01/2022 14:31

Was quite upset by the potential effects of these online "jobs" on my kids, so had a chat with my nearly-adult teens about this thread and what they think.

Their considered opinion was that I am a judgemental old dinosaur, that if it's legal it's all fine, and that people can spend what they like on presents.

DS looked a bit repulsed by the idea of camgirls etc, but according to DD, OnlyFans is "just another job" 😔 but she wouldn't personally want to do it. She thinks it has nothing to do with porn or degrading women, and got quite annoyed with me when I suggested it did.

Huge generation gap, I know which side I'm staying on..

Lincslady53 · 09/01/2022 14:43

She is an adult, and entitled to privacy, however our son had money when he was at Uni which we eventually found out was due to him getting mixed up in cannabis dealing. 20 years later his life is a mess, he has never been able to hold down a job or a relationship, he has psychotic episodes, sometimes violent. It is a nightmare. Try to find out if she is involved with drugs and if she is, come down heavy on her. Do not listen to people who say it is just a phase. Make it clear that it is not acceptable, and do all you can to stop her.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 09/01/2022 14:48

No you don’t insist anything.

You back off, take a deep breath and have a coffee.

At a moment of calm you say to her ‘I’m just a little concerned about where this money is coming from. I’m not going to ask anything or pry I just want to make sure you’re happy and you’re safe and that you know there is nothing you can’t talk to me about if you need to and that I love you very much.’

Then you forget it ever happened. She’ll come to you if she needs you, if you back her into a corner she won’t.

Graphista · 09/01/2022 14:49

@MsAgnesDiPesto advice is good

Even IF it is superficially legal (I can't imagine that it is given the sums and minimal time input by her) I'd also be worried she's not keeping herself straight with the tax man!

Also may mean she's no longer eligible for student loan or not the full amount - and if caught there's penalties for that too which could result in losing her uni place.

Does she know ANYTHING about this?

Sadly sex work and other illegal activity some students succumb to wrongly seeing it as "easy money"

I agree as you're at least partly funding her AND it's affecting your ds and potentially you if these are proceeds of crime then you absolutely have a right to know!

I would be very concerned if this were my dd and would do all I could to find out what she was tangled up in.

SofiaSoFar · 09/01/2022 14:59

If she was making the sort of money that meant she could spent thousands on her brother via OF - whether through sex content or otherwise - it would be easy to find her as she'd have to be at the very top of popularity. It's not that lucrative for the vast majority.

I would say more likely that she's a sugar baby or, if she's done extremely well for herself, she might just have a pay pig.

OP, perhaps have a look around on places like Seeking Arrangement and see if you can find any trace of her?

When DD was at uni a couple of years ago, a few of her friends and acquaintances were involved in such things.

Missatkins · 09/01/2022 15:00

@jimmyjammy001

As everyone else has said it's more than likely to be OnlyFans, most earn an extra £500+ each month on the side

Is there a market for the more mature lady... Asking for a (skint) friend 🙄

CatsArePeople · 09/01/2022 15:01

Their considered opinion was that I am a judgemental old dinosaur, that if it's legal it's all fine, and that people can spend what they like on presents.

Sex work is as old as the world, today's teenagers did not invent it. Webcam "modeling" has been there for a couple of decades already.
Another thing for young women was to find a wealthy old "sponsor", which is also basically a form of prostitution.

Not sure what is worse though... prostitution or drug dealing. Both criminally dangerous.

Cas112 · 09/01/2022 15:04

You didn't really need to go snooping at prices, it's rude and invasion. If you have a good relationship with your daughter she will tell you when she is ready and comfortable, stop invading her privacy

DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 15:06

That sort of disposable cash would point to escorting rather than a new OF business. Up to her of course, this is as old as time - for good and bad.

newnamenewyear · 09/01/2022 15:08

@CatsArePeople

Their considered opinion was that I am a judgemental old dinosaur, that if it's legal it's all fine, and that people can spend what they like on presents.

Sex work is as old as the world, today's teenagers did not invent it. Webcam "modeling" has been there for a couple of decades already.
Another thing for young women was to find a wealthy old "sponsor", which is also basically a form of prostitution.

Not sure what is worse though... prostitution or drug dealing. Both criminally dangerous.

Prostitutes are more likely than soldiers to get PTSD.

It exposes the women caught up in it to the worst side of human nature and can really damage them.

I'd much rather my child was selling weed than themselves.

scottishnames · 09/01/2022 15:13

Is she perhaps a 'ghostwriter' for other students? This can pay very well but is totally against the rules, and potentially criminal.
www.csusm.edu/dos/studres/everything_you_need_to_know_about_contract_cheating_a_free_guide_from_turnitin_fina.pdf

(the company that prepared the above report is a plagiarism-detection organisation)

CatsArePeople · 09/01/2022 15:13

I'd much rather my child was selling weed than themselves.

I agree. Though drug dealing can result in prison if unlucky.

justasking111 · 09/01/2022 15:16

[quote PlanktonsComputerWife]@hugr My mother was always reading my diary and nosing her way into my business from the time I was a child. I definitely never told her anything (and still don't)[/quote]
I had a mother like that it didn't stop when I was married, she would go through our bills in the office our bedroom, had to keep everything personal locked away

justasking111 · 09/01/2022 15:18

I wouldn't confiscated presents either, both your children will remember your behaviour . You're too controlling here

Topseyt · 09/01/2022 15:21

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

Don’t. You’ll alienate both of them from you that way. What a dick move it would be!

All you can do is ask her if things are OK and say why this is causing you concern. You simply cannot go around swiping gifts that she gave to her brother, who would be rightly pissed off with you if you tried it. You’ll soon get them both telling you to fuck right off, and with justification.

Express your concerns. Try to lead to a civil conversation. Don’t go swiping her brother’s things.

DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 15:26

Am I the only one who thinks this is another made up thread designed to trigger middle class mums?

stayathomer · 09/01/2022 15:27

Obviously none of us know what is going on but personally I would think and worry more that it is something like her not paying bills or her students loan or something like that then her doing drugs or being some form of a pornstar! Saying that my friend's son makes a few hundred off YouTube as a gamer monthly (they're not thrilled as he's close to dropping out of college for it which isn't great but I did say it is hard to make money off YouTube so fair dues!!)

MichelledueMay · 09/01/2022 15:34

@Curato

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

I find it really strange that many on this forum have jumped to the conclusion of sex work and alike to explain the expensive gifts.

Just because you looked up the cost of the laptop and found it for £600 doesn’t mean that is how much she spent on it. She could have got a deal and/or student discount, like the ones you get when you take out a phone contract.
You say she bought a new iPhone and Apple Watch. Again, we don’t know how much she paid or which model she purchased. You can buy a brand new series 3 Apple Watch for £179, possibly cheaper.
Does she spend on lavish items for herself? When I had a weekend job, I was able to afford a PlayStation for my siblings because I didn’t spend on myself.
Student loan is quite generous and if she has no outgoings, being that she lives at home, and the addition of the £100 per month you give her, it is quite feasible she would be able to afford something nice for her brother.
Have you noticed any suspicious behaviour that would concur with some of the assumptions being made about your daughter? Staying out late, hiding in her room, unexplained whereabouts, secretive about her technology, expensive items for herself, new appearance, being overly made up or distancing herself?

The only concern is that you said when you asked, she said she had a side hustle that is going well and refused to say what it was. The only thing I could think of, other than the worst case scenario of what people have mentioned (although hard fetched because she was open enough to say there was something else on the side), is that she knows people who have cloned/stolen credit card details and typically sell the items at half the price for cash. Many young people get caught up in this because they don’t really see a victim.

I’m a nosey parent, so if my child wasn’t telling me what the deal is and I’m really worried, I would snoop. Only if I had really genuine concerns about my child’s safety though. I have been in this situation and I’m glad I snooped because a pervert in his 30s was trying to groom my 16 yr old daughter as well as con money out of her.

NiceShrubbery · 09/01/2022 15:41

@DontBlameMe79

Am I the only one who thinks this is another made up thread designed to trigger middle class mums?

Could be. If so I am well and truly triggered 🙂

The OP seemed genuine. Can't fathom many of the replies on here tbh. Anyway back to my dinosaur cave and the feisty young things can get on with it.

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 15:42

@ilovebrie8

This thread has been a real eye opener to me, in my day you worked in bars and supermarkets to fund uni and scraped by. Whole new world now sugar daddy?? Oh my that just awful ...thanks to poster who told me what only fans is...what a world for youngsters in this day and age...it’s sordid but maybe that’s old fashioned values...

I think you will find it isn't the "eye opener" you imagine it to be but rather a sick fantasy

Cherryblossoms85 · 09/01/2022 15:42

No idea what I would do! It's highly likely to be some sort of webcam stuff, which is in many ways the least bad option. Maybe ask her to reassure you it's not illegal, and leave it at that. Money laundering and drugs are the most worrying possibility in the short term - not that other stuff is great, but better than illegal.