To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

@CustardySergeant

"one of those super-trendy universities who give their students handbooks on how to do sex work to help fund their studies."

I'm both astonished and horrified by this.

It is based on the press misreporting what is actually happening. As far as I can see, no universities do this. However, some universities recognise that some students may do sex work and provide their students with information about support and guidance that is available to them if they have problems as a result of getting into sex work. The handbooks I have seen are non-judgemental but are definitely not guides on how to do sex work.

Afterthought: I got a minor drugs conviction when I was 20. My mum knew, she read about it in the local paper, but she didn't let on for several years.

Even then, she only mentioned it in passing. I was applying for a job in the civil service and she told me to make sure I mentioned it, because they'd find out about it anyway!

Thank you for that info prh47bridge.

It’s crypto, debt, gambling, sex/nudity, generous boyfriends or drugs related. Sorry to be blunt.

Tell her to be very careful, to think long-term and that she can talk to you about anything.

[quote TatianaBis]@veronika13 it’s much more likely to be lap dancing/stripping than full on escorting.[/quote]
Nope.

With Lap dancing anyone from uni can see you and tell everyone.

Escorting it's more likely to be businessmen and married men (it's expensive so no uni boys like they go to lap dancing clubs).

Also it's not necessarily illegal/dodgy or anything like that.

When I was younger at my first year at uni, I started a business of personalising T-shirts etc. started selling on Etsy and was doing well, made a good few hundred in my first few months.
I told my mum about it and she laughed at me, told me it wouldn't be a viable business and I was wasting my time. She is very opinionated! I stopped doing it as it made me feel shit even though it was going well. After that I never told her anything I was doing, regardless of the fact it was legit.

If you were to ask my mum she'd say we were very close, have a great relationship and I told her everything. This just wasn't true, we were close and had a good relationship but I kept everything private because I didn't want her opinions, even on things I knew she would be happy about, I just didn't want a discussion or opinion on something I was doing.

It is possible it is a legit selling/making business or similar (wax melts are very popular right now and easy to start up), but she doesn't want her mums opinion while it's still a new business.

Of course this may not be true but I don't think it's "obvious" that it's dodgy like a lot of posters are saying

Instead of asking her what she's doing can you have a conversation about weather she's safe?

She's an adult so there's no good insisting but she's clearly an intelligent and caring person so she will probably understand your concerns.

I’d say it probably sex work

In your position, I absolutely would want to know and would be worrying about her but I don't really understand what specifically posters think you can do to get her to tell you honestly. The only lever you have is the £100 a month which might drive her further into whatever it is.

It also might be something relatively innocent that she just finds embarrassing or awkward to talk to you about. I did a couple of things like that as a student - betting and being a life drawing model - which my parents would have disapproved of

@veronika13

What do you mean nope? You can only speak for yourself and the people you know.

I’ve encountered women who funded uni via stripping and lap dancing - in big cities recognition is not really an issue and they weren’t that bothered anyway. One is the ex of a friend of mine who was LSE - she made large sums of money from London clubs.

Many women would draw the line at actual sex.

@CustardySergeant

Thank you for that info prh47bridge.

It’s rather disingenuous as, either way, it legitimises a hazardous industry than exploits women.

Sugar daddy, I'd imagine.

Echoing a previous poster who said, "tell her you trust her, but if you're ever in trouble or unsafe, we're always her for you and don't be afraid to ask for help." It let's her know you respect her, you're concerned about her, that you're door is always open and gives her a dignified exit should she need it. It doesn't push her away, alienate her or make her stubborn and dig her heels in against you

Spot on, @NamechangeApril21.

Letting a young adult know that you're shocked/horrified/disapproving is the fast track to them never being open with you and afraid to ask for help if they need it.

When I was at university I made ridiculous money looking back:

Had a retail job which was £9per hour, bonus for hitting targets
Selling club tickets - I did this 10 events across the week. £1 per name on the guest list and £2 per ticket. Averaged at 1,000 per week.
Shot girling - £12 per hour average of 5 hours 3 nights more on bank holidays. Then when I sold past 100 shots I got an additional £25 for every 25 past that, plus I got tips. Average around £500- £600 a week some weeks I’d make £2,000.

Then I do hosting for nightclubs. You look at the VIPS and often have to look over the area. £8 per hour and then you 20% of the tab as incentive so sell more plus tips. This was my favourite gig easily if your footballers in they’d often give me a 1-3k tip. Average per week 1k if it wasn’t footballers

Didn’t tell my parents as my mum would of gone bad at the hours as I working plus that every night I was at a easily getting in a 4 at the earliest. Plus I don’t think my dad would like me being a hostess or shot girl.

I was only in uni 12 hours a week so did have time but at there were many points where I overworked myself

Given that DD is buying stuff for the family it’s perfectly reasonable to ask where the funds are coming from.

If it’s from drugs you are entitled to say don’t want to be benefiting from proceeds of crime or accused of money laundering. Equally you’re entitled to say that stuff bought from the proceeds of sex work makes you uncomfortable. So you just want to clarify that it’s neither of these.

She may be selling crochet on Etsy or fan T-shirts on eBay, in which case no worries.

“I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.”

Please, please, please don’t do this. First of all, whether her ‘thing on the side’ is something you approve of or not, she’s clearly proud of how much she’s making and wants to treat her family - taking presents she bought away from her brother will be heartbreaking and humiliating. And as others have said, it’s blackmail.

I say this as someone who was constantly interrogated like this about my earnings growing up and it’s permanently damaged my relationship with my father. And you know what? I now tell him much less than I would if he hadn’t been so judgemental.

Of course everyone wants to know everything about their kids: where they get their money, whether they have enough, whether they’re in the best jobs etc, but wanting to know those things doesn’t mean you have a right to.

‘What do you mean nope? You can only speak for yourself and the people you know.

I’ve encountered women who funded uni via stripping and lap dancing - in big cities recognition is not really an issue and they weren’t that bothered anyway. One is the ex of a friend of mine who was LSE - she made large sums of money from London clubs.

Many women would draw the line at actual sex.‘

This. I went to Uni and lived in a Uni city. Plenty of students worked in the strip clubs. It’s not particularly ‘scandalous’ for your uni peers to know, as opposed to your mother if you know she’s got strong opinions on the subject.

I think often DC don't tell us as they worry they will get in trouble, even if they are caught in a sticky situation. Similarly, they think we are so out of touch that we'll be shocked and horrified. In their worlds only fans, social media influencing and sometimes even drug related stuff can all be quite 'mainstream'.

I would say to her you imagine she is making the money from only fans or drugs and won't be shocked or cross, you just want honesty and to chat it through. Work with her, not against her. Once you have trust you can show her the articles PP posted, talk about other ways to earn money and generally support her to make sure things are safe. You will get further.

At this age, being cross or confrontational will simply push her away and mean more is hidden from you, more risk and danger.

@ilovebrie8

This thread has been a real eye opener to me, in my day you worked in bars and supermarkets to fund uni and scraped by. Whole new world now sugar daddy?? Oh my that just awful ...thanks to poster who told me what only fans is...what a world for youngsters in this day and age...it’s sordid but maybe that’s old fashioned values...

Most students still work in bars and supermarkets generally, however the pandemic has massively hit the availability of the kind of jobs students usually do, and the likes of supermarkets have a much bigger pool of applicants so can go for Mary who is available 7 days, any hours to fill the 20 hour post rather than Amy who has lectures on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

It’s made a lot of poorer students much more vulnerable to the lure of cash from other things.

Not being funny, but if she's any good at art, she could be making a pretty penny doing niche commissions in the fan art world.

@veronika13 Nope.

With Lap dancing anyone from uni can see you and tell everyone.

Escorting it's more likely to be businessmen and married men (it's expensive so no uni boys like they go to lap dancing clubs).

Nope.

I worked in a strip clubs for over 10 years. It's perfectly reasonable to never be recognised, especially if you're travelling to a club slightly outside of where you live.

The only people who see you are spending money to come into a strip club and you as a dancer are MUCH more likely to spot them before they see you. Deer in headlights effect. The dancers are checking the customers out and weighing them up as they walk in and are seated. Strip clubs are often seated venues.

Students (male) generally only ever go into strip clubs during freshers week. They walk in, looked embarrassed, one of them may get a dance, or ask about beer prices, and then they leave. It's too expensive for entry, drinks and dances and the environment isn't what they're after, generally speaking.

It's lucrative financially, safer from a security POV and any kind of sexual activity or sexual requests will have the dancer sacked and the customer chucked out.

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from

This is a great way to drive a wedge between your children, make both of them hate you, and drive your daughter further into whatever secret issues she has going on, because she can’t talk to you.

Your main concern should be the welfare of your daughter. You could explain that you’re concerned about where the money is coming from, and you want to know that she’s ok. Much more helpful place to be coming from than mistrust and anger, or threats.

She's an adult. You need to treat her like one.

Yes, I'd want to know where the money came from, because I'd be really worried about what my DD was getting into.

Confiscating the items just makes it seem if you don't approve, rather than that you have her best interests at heart (which I'm sure you do!).

The most important thing is that she can talk to you and come to you for help if she's getting into something dangerous.

Try to open up communication channels, not shut them down.

Only Fans is a pyramid scheme. It's rife in many friendship groups as they encourage each other to sign up.

@Lou98

Also it's not necessarily illegal/dodgy or anything like that.

When I was younger at my first year at uni, I started a business of personalising T-shirts etc. started selling on Etsy and was doing well, made a good few hundred in my first few months.
I told my mum about it and she laughed at me, told me it wouldn't be a viable business and I was wasting my time. She is very opinionated! I stopped doing it as it made me feel shit even though it was going well. After that I never told her anything I was doing, regardless of the fact it was legit.

If you were to ask my mum she'd say we were very close, have a great relationship and I told her everything. This just wasn't true, we were close and had a good relationship but I kept everything private because I didn't want her opinions, even on things I knew she would be happy about, I just didn't want a discussion or opinion on something I was doing.

It is possible it is a legit selling/making business or similar (wax melts are very popular right now and easy to start up), but she doesn't want her mums opinion while it's still a new business.

Of course this may not be true but I don't think it's "obvious" that it's dodgy like a lot of posters are saying

This would be my take