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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

711 replies

Curato · 09/01/2022 09:43

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

OP posts:
RachAnneKirl90 · 09/01/2022 12:49

Pornography, prostitution, drug trade.

If it's none of those, could you ask her what the business is? I want in.

CustardySergeant · 09/01/2022 12:50

"one of those super-trendy universities who give their students handbooks on how to do sex work to help fund their studies."

I'm both astonished and horrified by this.

ilovebrie8 · 09/01/2022 12:50

This thread has been a real eye opener to me, in my day you worked in bars and supermarkets to fund uni and scraped by. Whole new world now sugar daddy?? Oh my that just awful ...thanks to poster who told me what only fans is...what a world for youngsters in this day and age...it’s sordid but maybe that’s old fashioned values...

RachAnneKirl90 · 09/01/2022 12:51

@ifeelabitsad

Maybe she's doing escort work. A lot of uni students do.
"A lot of uni students" are prostitutes? No, they are not.
lap90 · 09/01/2022 12:53

@Curato

Thanks for all the replies.

I admit my first thought was that she was involved with drugs or something else illegal. I hadn’t considered sex work etc but maybe that’s my naivety.

She did spend a little more on mine and her dad’s Christmas presents but nothing near as stark as ds ( they do adore each other though).

I am going to talk to her and tell her that unless she tells me how she has funded them I will confiscate them from ds as I don’t feel comfortable with him having them unless I know where they have come from.

I too get OF vibes from what you've said.

Anyway, should she come clean, what next?

LakieLady · 09/01/2022 12:53

@Icantrememberthenameoftheartis

I suspect it’s OnlyFans. I have a niece who is mid 20’s and so many of her friends are doing OnlyFans. It varies hugely too. She has a friend who does ‘bikini photos only’. So all photos of her in her bra/knickers but no naked. Right through to another friend who does full frontal nude and with sex toys for extra tips. What really shocked me was the casual way she told me. Unfortunately OnlyFans is not a big deal to so many of this generation because it’s ‘only photos’ and they’ve grown up with social media and are used to over sharing their personal lives already. I would try and have a chat with her because you’re concerned.
I know it's hard to imagine regretting anything when you're young, but imagine those pics coming to light when that young woman is a govt minister or high court judge or something? Or even teaching geography in the local comp?

I'm just bloody glad the internet wasn't around when I was young. To get involved in that sort of thing you'd have had to hawk your arse round Soho or something.

CornishTiger · 09/01/2022 12:53

Don’t cut off the £100 a month. That’ll only make her more likely in stay doing the sideline.

PrincessNutella · 09/01/2022 13:00

I would absolutely want to be knowing what she was doing.

CorneliusBeefington · 09/01/2022 13:01

If she's relatively fit (as in healthy, athletic, well put together physically) and pretty, then out of the options, sugar daddy, cam work etc, then hopefully it's lap dancing rather than onlyfans.

Lap dancing doesn't leave the digital footprint that Onlyfans does. It's also hugely more lucrative, which would explain the quick cash flow. Its entirely possible to make 2/3k in the week before Christmas.

I'm not endorsing it, but it's something you can walk away and leave behind without as much fear of it coming back to haunt you, and much harder to prove. No photos or videos are allowed inside. There's security there to keep the girls safe. And someone can't use your IP address to work out where you live.

It's not a great environment, in terms of the sexist, misogynistic attitudes. But if it is stripping, she will 100% believe that because she is "in charge" she's liberal and feminist and enlightened. Sadly.

I would be really conscious about demanding information from her. She's not going to tell you without being under duress. She'll likely lie to you anyway if pushed. And then disappear off to university leaving you to worry further.

Tell her you love her, are worried about her and just want her to be safe and well. The penny will drop for her at some point.

jimmyjammy001 · 09/01/2022 13:04

As everyone else has said it's more than likely to be OnlyFans, most earn an extra £500+ each month on the side

Killthewinewitchnow · 09/01/2022 13:05

My first thought was ‘only fans’

Omemiserum · 09/01/2022 13:06

Is she declaring it for tax?. If not she may have problems later.

Goatsaregreat · 09/01/2022 13:07

Poor you OP - and poor her if she's caught up in something that will eventually turn round and bite her - safety or reputation wise with future employers.
As is evident there's no one way of tackling this. I'd focus on your love for her and ensuring that if she's caught up in something dodgy, that you keep the channels of communication open. It's right to let her know that you're worried about her - countless young people who've done something stupid reflect afterwards that they wished an adult had pushed them a bit about it. Keep it low key but emphasise that this is what good parents do - look out for their children, even as they get older - not washing their hands of them as so many on this thread appear to suggest.
Personally I wouldn't confiscate anything - keep it calm and reasonable and avoid value judgements about her. Talk with her, not at her and listen to her. Save the condemnation for all the dodgy adults targeting young people.

NoEffingWay · 09/01/2022 13:08

Onlyfans most likely

Dizzylizzy22 · 09/01/2022 13:11

Lots of employers nowadays will do social media/internet searches. That would be my worry with OnlyFans etc. As another PP said the images can end up anywhere

TatianaBis · 09/01/2022 13:12

I’d have a chat about OnlyFans, Sugar daddy sites, lap dancing etc, I think that’s more likely than drugs as not illegal.

Durham uni wanted to give training to students on sex work so many are now doing it they say.

veronika13 · 09/01/2022 13:12

@Mummy1608

It is very hard to get that kind of money from onlyfans - hundreds of pounds a month. Imo it's extremely unlikely to be onlyfans on its own with that kind of money. Drug muling, escorting, etc yield a lot more money, or even just dating a rich older man. Yanbu to speak to her about your concerns. I'd be very concerned in your position. I hope I'm wrong and your DD is OK.
Agee.

I'm sorry but most people commenting have no thorough knowledge/experience with "those worlds".

OP, it's escorting.

oneglassandpuzzled · 09/01/2022 13:14

@Goatsaregreat

Poor you OP - and poor her if she's caught up in something that will eventually turn round and bite her - safety or reputation wise with future employers. As is evident there's no one way of tackling this. I'd focus on your love for her and ensuring that if she's caught up in something dodgy, that you keep the channels of communication open. It's right to let her know that you're worried about her - countless young people who've done something stupid reflect afterwards that they wished an adult had pushed them a bit about it. Keep it low key but emphasise that this is what good parents do - look out for their children, even as they get older - not washing their hands of them as so many on this thread appear to suggest. Personally I wouldn't confiscate anything - keep it calm and reasonable and avoid value judgements about her. Talk with her, not at her and listen to her. Save the condemnation for all the dodgy adults targeting young people.
Voice of reason!
TatianaBis · 09/01/2022 13:14

@veronika13 it’s much more likely to be lap dancing/stripping than full on escorting.

Babyvenusplant · 09/01/2022 13:14

I would also stop the £100 a month, she clearly doesn't need that

CorneliusBeefington · 09/01/2022 13:17

[quote TatianaBis]@veronika13 it’s much more likely to be lap dancing/stripping than full on escorting.[/quote]
Yep.

Classicblunder · 09/01/2022 13:18

@PrincessNutella

I would absolutely want to be knowing what she was doing.
And how would you make her tell you?
babiesof2022 · 09/01/2022 13:18

F

LakieLady · 09/01/2022 13:18

@wizzywig

Most people seem to be so cool with the idea of their kids being porn stars. I'd be horrified
I don't think it's a question of being "cool" about it, just a recognition that once they're over 18 and living away from home, realistically there's not a lot you can do about it.

You can't make them stop, so telling them to is pointless. Letting them know you're horrified and being judgey about it might mean they never tell you anything that might horrify you again, even if it's all gone massively tits up and they desperately need your help.

Blueuggboots · 09/01/2022 13:19

A friend of mine funded her university time by selling sex toys. She did very well!

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