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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorced parent drama.

313 replies

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 02:44

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. Sad I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding. Sad
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

OP posts:
BashStreetKid · 09/01/2022 09:38

I'm now in the catch 22 of inviting my mum and only dad and him being upset day on the day which will of course upset me or inviting them both and my mum being upset on the day. As I've said I think it's clear that'll I'll just have to invite dad and ask him to bring a friend much to my dismay as now I've allowed my mother to put her feelings of hate and resent over a celebration.

Why will your dad be upset? Being out without his partner for a few hours can't be that terrible, he doesn't have to be sitting on his own, and he will enjoy watching his daughter getting married.

It's not fair to say your mother is putting feelings of hate and resentment over the celebration. As much as anything else, she validly feels that her old friend ruined her life and yours, and having her there will bring back all the sadness and misery that the break-up caused. It's a legitimate viewpoint, and it simply isn't comparable with how your father might feel about being without his partner for a short time.

blackcurrantjam · 09/01/2022 09:39

I'm with your mum and what @twominutesmore said !

RealBecca · 09/01/2022 09:39

It's not a dilemma for you. You invite who you want and people can come or not.

Frankly it sounds like your mum wants ot all her own way and like she weaponized you against your dad when you were younger. She's remarried but doesnt want him and his partner there!? She needs to move on and stop tantrumming.

maddening · 09/01/2022 09:39

I totally see your mother's pov. And in a small wedding it will be even worse!

What about neither new partner is invited?
Your dad could be an adult and sit there without his partner couldn't he as he knows the upset and pain he caused by having an affair with his wife's friend, it is all down to him and his actions that any of you are in this position.

RealBecca · 09/01/2022 09:41

And by weaponized I mean it sounds like she probably made a big show of being upset and letting you see as much so you felt bad for her and pushed your dad out for years. I'd be angry with her for that.

For context my mum had an affair and split the family and my parents and partners were civil very soon after for the sake of the kids and 20 years later still ask after each other and the step parents because they have actually moved on.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 09/01/2022 09:43

I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more here. Ok your dad had an affair and that's horribly hurtful. But it's been ten years, your mum is happily married to someone else and your dad is still committed to his partner. This is YOUR wedding. To not invite the partner or not have her on a particular table or in the photos is a bit silly. Perhaps give your mum a bit more time to get past the shock of hearing about this, but then make it clear that this is your day and she needs to support your choices.

Tulips21 · 09/01/2022 09:46

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

I would just invite your dad and not his partner. I'm sure his partner will understand why your mum doesn't want her to be there. I'm surprised his partner would want to be there after what she did to your mum.
Agree. I wouldnt invite the OW either. Both your Dad and the OW, turned yours and your Mum's world upside down- Regardless of time since, I would always be v.hurt by what my father and ow did and would not put my mother in that situ
Restart10 · 09/01/2022 09:49

I'm with your mum here. So what if it's 10 years. His actions ended the family unit and the marriage. Are you expecting her to sit there with a smile on her face right next to that woman?
Invite your dad and someone from his family so that he isn't the only one from his side, and leave the partner out. This woman was her friend as well, more a slap in the face for your mum.

twominutesmore · 09/01/2022 09:50

"she probably made a big show of being upset and letting you see."

A big show of being upset by her husband fucking her friend? And then her marriage ending, her future changing, the humiliation of everyone knowing about it, her children's devastation, not even being able to go to her friend for support because she's the one who did it to her?

A big show as opposed to actually just being - understatement - a bit upset, you mean?

Restart10 · 09/01/2022 09:51

You seem very pro your dad. He's big enough to lie and cheat on your mum, break the marriage, cause you to have a disrupted home life.... I think he's big enough to sit on his own for a few hours 

This as well. Put yourself in your mother's shoes and then you might have a whole new perspective.

mumda · 09/01/2022 09:55

Invite either just your mum and dad or both if them and their partners.
Tell your mother to stop being a silly moo and get in with it.
It's your wedding.

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 09:57

Honestly your dad needs to suck it up, not your mum. This is a consequence of his (terrible) behaviour.

I think it is unkind if you to complain that your mother is "not being adult". She is human, she was horribly betrayed. Listen to her when she tells you she cannot cope with that situation. She has been there for you through thick and thin, you should not be so judgmental about how this is for her.

bigyellowtractorface · 09/01/2022 09:57

I can't imagine the trauma your mum went through 10 years ago. The 2 people she thought had her back and could be trusted, were not what she thought. That sort of experience would have you questioning everything about the world and yourself too. You say you were a spiteful teenager but i think your response sounds authentic to the situation.

You describe your mum as stubborn but others would say she has firm boundaries. She didn't have to accept your dad's presence but she has obviously put those feelings aside for you.

I know it is your day etc, but does that really mean you have to ride roughshod over the feelings of a woman who has done and still does so much for you and your children? You are really lucky to have that kind of a relationship with your mum. Don't take it for granted.

i think the idea of your dad bringing a pal sounds like the perfect solution. If he brings his partner you will still be on edge, as even if your mum still comes, you will know the experience will be absolutely torturous for her.

NotebookVsDiaries · 09/01/2022 09:59

@bubbles123456789 this must be a horrible gut wrenching thread to read from the posters who are projecting their own hurts onto your mum and expecting you to take sides.

You do not have to take sides. I agree with the poster who said you have been weaponised by your mum and it's obvious to see that there's a lot of mothers on this thread who wouldn't think twice of doing it to their child.

You do not owe either of your parents a side to be on. They should be team bubbles! You shouldn't be team mum or team dad! It's a really unfair situation to be in. You are allowed to love both parents and enjoy being around both parents and their partners. You are doing nothing wrong. They are adults and what happened 10 years ago is neither here nor there.

Do not take this shit into your psyche

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 10:00

@CookieDoughKid

Op stop being self centred and put your mum first. Yes it’s your wedding day but your mother looked after you for years and out you first. Your wedding day is just one day.
The affair was 10 years ago and OP has children and is getting married so it's fair to assume she's, at the very youngest, mid 20's. That means her dad brought her up too. I don't know why everyone's making out he was absent for the first 20 years of OP's life.
ifeelabitsad · 09/01/2022 10:02

Your mum is cutting her nose off to spite her face. Please don't give in to her. Ask her for one day not to let the hurt and bitterness cloud her judgement. Explain that you love both parents and want them there and your step mum too. If she still refuses then that is her choice

unicornsarereal72 · 09/01/2022 10:03

I can see both sides. My dad married the ow. At mine and my sister wedding they were all civil to each other and my sister and I which ever wasn't the bride took care of our mother. Her husband refused to come. It was uncomfortable but bearable.

My ex left me several years ago now. And I have yet to lay eyes on ow/partner. I wish them well. But I don't want to spend anytime with them. They have both behaved really badly toward me and the children over the years.

But for formal events I will expect them to be there. It is for my children so wedding or whatever is down the line it is the right thing to do.

I do understand your mother's hurt. And unless it has happened to you you have no idea how it feels. The person you love and trusted more than anyone else completely betrays you. And with her best friend. That hurt doesn't go away. You just move on from it.

Mum has time to get use to the idea. Try to Understand her feelings but be firm it's one day. Your day. Good luck.

stealthninjamum · 09/01/2022 10:04

Op I had this problem too. My mum didn’t want my dad and his wife who wasn’t affair partner at the wedding (although she was 20 years younger). Even though my mum was being unreasonable I chose her because she had had been the better parent when he walked out and I think when you leave a marriage / have an affair you need to think about the consequences.

How close was your mother to the woman? I can imagine a situation where they were close and your mum was confiding in her about your dads strange behaviour and the other woman was the cause of that behaviour. I can imagine it would be a massive betrayal. Anyway ignore that comment if it’s completely inaccurate!

MargosKaftan · 09/01/2022 10:04

Oh OP - there are so many people i know who have been in your situation- adults whos parents have been divorced for years tying themselves in knots over their wedding plans because their parents can't just suck it up and be polite for one day when their adult child gets married. There does seem to be so many older divorced people who seem to think when their child reaches adulthood and they don't have to do drop offs /pick ups for access, they will never have to see their ex again, failing to realise their ex is their child's parent and if they want to be at the key events in their adult child's life, then the other parent will be invited as well.

My advice is always the same. Invite who you want to invite. It is your wedding, not your mums. Tell her you are inviting your dad and his partner of over a decade. She can come along or not but its not her event so she can't dictate who is and isn't there. Your dad and step mother are your family. She doesn't need to speak to them. She doesn't need to sit with them, you won't do a traditional top table etc. Then leave it. There may be baptisms or birthday parties of grandchildren in the future she needs to cope with. She can't expect you to cut out your dad. Your dads partner has been with him for over a decade, it would be unreasonable to not invite her /give him a "plus one" invite.

Dryfaithlessness · 09/01/2022 10:05

Do yourself a favour and show your mum this thread..... after reading your op and responses she will most definitely turn down your invitation!

Jessie75 · 09/01/2022 10:05

I think as a married woman yourself you might have a little bit more understanding as to where your mothers coming from absolutely no way I would’ve invited the adulterous third party to my wedding.

CheshireKitten123 · 09/01/2022 10:11

"To me, you are putting this woman's feelings above those of your own mum and to be honest it says a lot about this woman that she didn't gently and politely refuse the invite."

This ^ nails it.

crimsonlake · 09/01/2022 10:11

I am sorry you are in this situation.
It might seem as if this all happened a long time ago to you, but sometimes acrimonious feelings following divorce will never go away as I well know.
The fact that your mum seems to apparently be pleasant to your dad is a strange one though....
I tend to view this differently since she has also moved on and has a partner so it is not as if she will be solo whilst they are playing happy couples at your wedding.
As you say yourself your mum is stuborn, all I can wish you is good luck.

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 10:12

[quote NotebookVsDiaries]@bubbles123456789 this must be a horrible gut wrenching thread to read from the posters who are projecting their own hurts onto your mum and expecting you to take sides.

You do not have to take sides. I agree with the poster who said you have been weaponised by your mum and it's obvious to see that there's a lot of mothers on this thread who wouldn't think twice of doing it to their child.

You do not owe either of your parents a side to be on. They should be team bubbles! You shouldn't be team mum or team dad! It's a really unfair situation to be in. You are allowed to love both parents and enjoy being around both parents and their partners. You are doing nothing wrong. They are adults and what happened 10 years ago is neither here nor there.

Do not take this shit into your psyche[/quote]
Definitely this.

2022HowDoYouDo · 09/01/2022 10:12

I read so many threads on here where women discover their DH is cheating, or are gaslit and lied to before being dumped for another woman, and they are devastated and fearful for the future as a single parent. These women are generally universally supported on here - the cheater is condemned as a bastard. Interesting there are so many posters on your thread saying oh well the marriage was obviously bad, there's always 2 sides blah blah.

Your father and his affair partner would have spent months, maybe years, gaslighting your mother. Your mother probably confided in her 'friend' about her fears there was another woman. How humiliating for your mother to discover they had been laughing about her behind her back. Personally I wouldn't be in the same room as that woman given a choice. Bad enough to be in the same room as the cheating ex, but he's your father.

I don't know how someone who has so little regard for marriage, the vows you take, the future you promise, can in all decency sit through a wedding ceremony when it's obvious they take it all as a joke - a nice party maybe, but ultimately meaningless.

You can probably guess I'm with your mum on this one.