Comments that have stayed with you into adulthood

[IcyBlonde15]

I am very conscious now that my words can have a long lasting impact and think very carefully about what I say to people. Two things that have stuck out to me from my teen years are when I was going out with a boy I really loved as a teenager and he told me his friend asked him “what are you DOING with her? She’s scum she’s not good enough for you” always made me very insecure and wondered what was so WRONG with me, and I still sometimes get paranoid that I’m somehow not as good as other people which is mad now I’m an adult! Also a friends mum told me to sit in the front as I was “the largest girl” which started an eating disorder that still rears it’s head now. The impact of words on young minds is so strong I want to teach my kids to be very mindful of things they say as they have no idea the amount of damage it can do. AIBU or maybe just need to get better at letting go of grudges!!

Catra that's just awful. She sounds disturbed.

@nyteflyte

Myself and another (female) friend were caught having a w*nk on a school trip by our head teacher. It was silly teen exploration stuff (not doing anything to each other, so solo). Our teacher threatened us will all kinds of things. I won't repeat any of it here, but it stayed with me.

It really impacted my school for a few years, studies, relationships. But during that time I learned it was normal and we all did it. But I'll never forgive her.

This is weird..

You look like a boy. From female grandparents and great aunt. (Because I didn't like doing girly girl stuff or wearing dresses.) I didn't mind looking boyish, I was quite happy with it. It was being told that it was wrong and to stop doing it that hurt.

A teenage boy used to constantly make fun of my allegedly big eyebrows and any facial hair. Gave me quite a complex. We're friends now and he's since sincerely apologised for making my life hell back then. We are both in our 50s now

@again2020

Not RTFT thread.

@Catra, that's shocking.

Sadly it's just the tip of the iceberg. Many more comments came to mind but to post them would be too outing.

@ChargingBuck

Catra - your mother is/was a disturbed individual, & you have grown into a clear-sighted woman with the wisdom of life experience.

Your writing style is powerful & even made me laugh - Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself? right!!!

Thank you, that means a lot. It took me until my 40s to finally stop believing mother was right and to have a better opinion of myself.

She has dementia now and has forgotten that she hates me. Ironically we get on quite well these days.

@Catra

A small selection of things my mother has said to me:

If you don’t shape up you’ll be left on the shelf
You’ve got footballer’s thighs and terrible posture

No man worth his salt will look twice at you
Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?

I expected you’d be more successful
I hoped you'd marry a doctor
I put my life on hold for you and look how you’ve turned out
Why do you drink so much?

No wonder he has a roving eye
I’m not surprised he hit you
You need to learn to shut your trap
Why do you always think people are out to get you?

I don’t believe they raped you
I saw the way you looked at them
When two men invite you to play guitar in their caravan
do you really think they’re interested in your Dylan covers?

There’s a name for girls like you
If you keep that baby I’ll disown you
I’m taking you to get rid of it
Don't blame me for your poor life choices

Miscarriages are nature’s way of weeding out the weaklings
You wanted a girl anyway, so it’s no great loss
Stop crying, you’re upsetting me
Perhaps your loss will give you more empathy?

You were a vile teen, shameful in your twenties
What did I do to deserve you as a daughter?
Decades on it still feels like yesterday
I can never forgive you.

The way this is written really expresses the way that comments build up and can really impact on our self esteem and identity.

Didn't choose footballs, not sure where they came from!

My mum haa shamed me on a number of occassions in front of people.

1. I was 14 and my tampon must have come out when i was in the sea with my friend. Wheb i got out i had blood down my leg, she said, with anger, go to the toilet now , dont he so dirty and disgusting.

Shes told this story in front of me several times in front of family & husband and says SHE has never been sol embarrassed.

1. Always used to say how my brother never wanted me as a little sister, he always wanted a brother.

1. In front of my family at dinner she said im going to sat something thats going to upset you now. After saying to her several times no dont say it if its going to upset me. She continued and said my dad said im getting fat. She said this as my dad was joking with her about something so she said something back at him but all it did was shame me

When I was 10 or 11, I tried to talk to my grandma about how I felt unsure about my mum and I moving in with her new boyfriend.

She said something like "Don't be so selfish. You've had your mum to yourself for 10 years. It's time to let her have some happiness now."

It was a very out of character remark for her, but it honestly shaped so much of my teens and twenties with a pathological need to put other people first, to not mind about anything and to definitely not want anything.

I found out years later that my grandma also had serious reservations about my stepdad (who is indeed an arse) and was devastated about how much she'd miss my mum and I if we moved away.

On a more positive note:

From a girl I didn’t know well, revealing sex secret: “I’m telling you this because I know you’d never tell anyone else, or judge me.”

“You’re weird but we like you.” Heard this a lot. Still not sure why everyone thought I was weird. Maybe I was too blunt 😬

I’m always careful to tell children the ways in which they’re awesome because some of it may stay with them for life.

At seven, my grandmother told me, “Politics are dirty, no matter whose side you are on.” It’s very true.

I got called a freak for having epilepsy. That cut deep and I doubt the twat even remembers now.

‘You’re not the best looking girl in the world’ after I just slept with my DHfor the first time.

‘The girl next door is much prettier than you’ I was about 7, my granny said this whilst she platted my hair. I remember holding tears back

‘You’re mental’ my DH … I’m honestly not just to assure you all

A guy I was on a first date with "you've got these cute little buck teeth and geeky nose" sorry fucking what? I had zero self esteem at that point so didn't tell him to fuck off. Did dump him later though and he cried like a child and stalked me after.

My mum, telling me at aged 8, when I had to do a project on 'myself' told me to describe myself as well built. When I asked her what she meant, she said chubby. She was always on a diet. I ended up bulimic for years. I was t chubby.

My teacher, when I was 6, telling my mum I'd fail my maths O level because I was so rubbish at maths and my mum shouting at me because of it.

Being told that no one in the family believed me when I told them about the sexual assault by my stepfather because I was just doing it for attention.

No where near as bad as some of the horrible things other posters have had said to them.

A teacher in senior school telling me that I would end up as a single Mum, on benefits and living in a council house if I didn’t work harder. At the point in my life when I knew I probably earned more than she did and had bought my own house, I did get in touch to let her know. (She was still working at the same school, doing the same job).

My DF said to me when I was about 17/18 that I would get no where in life without a degree. I wish he was still alive now to see how far I have come in my career.

When I told my Mum that I had reported my brother to the police for historical sexual abuse when I was a child, she told me that I had ruined her life. Haven’t spoken to her since that day.

@Christmas1988 your husband said these things to you? Doesn’t sound good at all, I hope they are one off comments and not his typical behaviour, even so, not great coming from someone who is meant to care about you.

The teacher who called me x the miserable in the year book. Too right I'm miserable you fucker, you and your colleagues have spent five years watching me being harassed with such delights as 'dingy lips' 'n**r lips' 'mop head' 'wiggy' and that was before a nasty girl set her sights on me threatening to beat me up every day. All that nasty vile bullying has completely shaped my life negatively.

When my mother found out I had been self harming when I was 14 (because of her being extremely abusive towards me for my entire life) she told me to do it properly and kill myself.

She used to regularly call me a fat b*tch etc even when I was verging on a size 6. Limited my food too. Now I’m in my 30s I am obese which I entirely blame on her. I’m working on it though 😃

My Physics Teacher told my Dad, who was his personal friend, I did not have a snowballs chance in hell at passing my Physics O Level. I was determined to prove him wrong and worked hard to pass it. On results day I rushed over to show him I had past and all he said was papers get easier to pass each year then paused and said I had probably got a rouge marker who took pity on me.

Been told all my life by parents, family and siblings if I just lost weight I would be prettier like my sisters, lead to an eating disorder and constantly watching what I eat. I’m only a size 10 but lead to me always looking at myself thinking I was to fat.

I was on a placement year at university and just before I left asked one of the partners I worked closely with (and thought I was close personally to) for some advice about how to secure a good job once I'd finished my final year. I was a size 16 at the time and he told me to I needed to lose weight because people would think because I'm bigger, I'm lazy. He also said he wished he could tell his own daughter the same but didn't dare dent her confidence. I know that in real life this isn't necessarily the case and I've never had trouble getting a job, but I hover around a 14/16 (and have been a 24 in the past). It's always stuck with me and I always work twice as hard just in case people do that think of me. I wish it was a conversation I could go back and not have.

Christmas1988 is he your ex DH?!

‘I’d love you even if you murdered someone’
From my mum when I was about 10. I’ve always remembered that as the moment I understood she loved me unconditionally.