Men who ‘hold court’ at lunch / dinner parties and in general

[koalacat]

This is really annoying me now and so I wanted to ask if anyone can relate to what I mean. I’m afraid to say my husband has these tendencies - but he is far from alone. They seem to dominate the conversation, they don’t speed up, they pause and expect everyone to wait. I find it very entitled and it’s nearly always men who do this in my experience. Even today I have had this. They go on and on. AIBU?

My uncle does this. He has a massive ego and as the oldest male in the family, fancies himself as the head of the family. He thinks his job (lawyer) makes him an expert on everything.

Whenever he sees me, he particularly enjoys giving me career advice, presumably because I work in a little job for pin money and need help figuring out how to earn more. (I earn a decent salary, but he doesn't know this, having never actually asked me any questions about my job).

The last time I saw him he told me I should consider working abroad as it would be good for my career. I replied sweetly, "Well I've already worked abroad for 5 years in two different countries in global marketing roles, how much more international experience do you think I need exactly?". That shut him up pretty quick.

@Sheabutterisdelish

Yes boring, middle aged white men usually

Nice bit of casual racism there.

@koalacat YABU. I know as many women who do this as I know men who do.

My uncle does this. My uncle has all the signs of undiagnosed autism of the sort that used to be offensively labelled high functioning. So he is perhaps literally less aware of the impact of his anecdotes.

But don't let that stop you from tarring all bores with the same brush.

I've met men like it but the worst person for this ever was a woman on a group weekend away that I went on. Eight of us sitting at a round table having to listen to her talking 'at' us with her thick as shit rubbish that she had to say. If any of us started talking amongst ourselves she'd start saying our names to try to make us listen again.

I also had the misfortune to be sharing a room with her (and one other) and she just talked and talked all night. I just went to sleep and ignored her. Vile woman

Urgh yes - always middle aged boring white blokes who think they’re hilarious but have the personality of a dish mop.

I always think the ones who laugh at the non-funny, overly long, drawn out for attention ‘jokes’ are so fake.

@3scape

My uncle does this. My uncle has all the signs of undiagnosed autism of the sort that used to be offensively labelled high functioning. So he is perhaps literally less aware of the impact of his anecdotes. But don't let that stop you from tarring all bores with the same brush.

Oh come on. The vast majority won’t have autism. And we can’t very well go about assuming that they all do can we? That surely would be much more offensive to autistic people.

My dad was like this. He would bore on for hours and hours without the slightest idea of how it was landing with others.

The problem was that on paper what he said was interesting he had a genuinely fascinating life and had met a lot of really famous and interesting people so people naturally gravitated towards him and wanted to hear what he had to say.

But the delivery and the lack of interest in other people's views made it so leaden.

I blamed my mum for this for many years as she always deferred to this and allowed him to ramble on unchecked. Then as I got older and met more people like this I realised it was basically genetic -- some people lack the capacity to gauge how their conversation lands.

@thepeopleversuswork

My dad was like this. He would bore on for hours and hours without the slightest idea of how it was landing with others.

The problem was that on paper what he said was interesting he had a genuinely fascinating life and had met a lot of really famous and interesting people so people naturally gravitated towards him and wanted to hear what he had to say.

But the delivery and the lack of interest in other people's views made it so leaden.

I blamed my mum for this for many years as she always deferred to this and allowed him to ramble on unchecked. Then as I got older and met more people like this I realised it was basically genetic -- some people lack the capacity to gauge how their conversation lands.

Is your partner like this? It's so interesting how we either tolerate or avoid what we've grown up with! My Dad was thoughtful and doesn't hold court and dh is the same. Friends have chosen partners like their Dads too!

@Glowtastic

I was in a bar the other day and could tell the couple on the next table were on a date, the man went on and on without a break for about 10 minutes, the woman sitting smiling and nodding making the correct noises even DH (a notorious monologue merchant) queried when he might pause and ask her something about herself. She listened politely to his boring story as women are socialised to do.

I was in a cafe with my dad once when we became aware that the couple on the next table were on a first Tinder (or similar) date. The man was just boring on and on and on, talking about himself and not letting his date get a word in edgeways, and he was pretty loud too so we were being disturbed on the next table. He eventually broke off to go to the toilet. While he was away, this poor woman made eye contact with us and mouthed "what should I do??". Dad shrugged and said "Just leg it". So she did. Coming from my dad, that was quite something, as he has monologue tendencies himself. I think it's partly because he was a teacher for 30 years and got used to talking at a captive audience.

Both my parents have those tendencies. And one grandad. Some people are just impossible to interrupt, I don't know how they do it.

@PurpleRainlnTheSky

‘Nice bit of casual racism there’

I have also only ever seen white men do this. Not sure it’s racist - just an observation.

@Etinoxaurus

Interesting question: no, my current partner is as far from this as its possible to get: he's quiet, reserved and very self-aware. Far less charismatic at a dinner party but that suits me tbh.

I used to be attracted to the flashy, charismatic types when I was younger but they are all about the big I AM and you can feel incredibly lonely in a relationship with a professional grandstander. It's entertaining for a bit but ultimately these people are only really able to interact with themselves and other people who are awed by them. They don't really know how to engage with another person with needs. Also once you've heard the glamorous stories five or six times they lose their lustre a bit.

It's entertaining for a bit but ultimately these people are only really able to interact with themselves and other people who are awed by them. They don't really know how to engage with another person with needs. Also once you've heard the glamorous stories five or six times they lose their lustre a bit.

This is so true

I've come across this too, haven't we all? I find equally male and female are to blame, both 'look at me' types who love an audience, egotistical and must have the spotlight on them. Not particularly likeable either.

@Pedalpushers

Yes it's definitely a patriarch stereotype. Filed alongside the man who is an expert on absolutely whatever topic is being discussed.

Daddy Pig personified.

No wonder Mummy Pig consistently plays 'Birdy Birdy Woof Woof'.

DF does this. It doesn't help that he's the organiser of 2 groups.

Oh come on. The vast majority won’t have autism. And we can’t very well go about assuming that they all do can we? That surely would be much more offensive to autistic people.

Damn right.

@SheSaidHummingbird

What would happen if somebody interupted? Dive in during one of their agonizing , err, thrilling pauses.

He would moan that i am interrupting and when i say thought you had finished he says i was pausing for effect

ahhhrgh

i call it pontificating... he is telling story or some shite to one child and i can't even help the other child as we ALL need to be rapturously listening

I remember years ago, going out for a meal pre DC with DH (then boyfriend) and another couple, the woman (a lovely friend) is naturally pretty quiet but witty and fun, her partner was the opposite of DH, a total no speak! I was sitting next to DH on a square table for 4 he leaned forward effectively blocking me/, cutting me off from joining in going on and on in his domineering animated fashion. I got more and more bored as I can't/won't talk over people or interrupt. I ended up just getting up and walking out of the restaurant, immature I know. It triggered a huge row. He still does it now but has accepted it's not ok when in a group and will ask for a signal from me that he's getting into rant/monologue mode. The isolation of the pandemic hasn't helped as he needs to talk and talk and talk and quietly working at home doesn't suit him at all.

@Glowtastic

I remember years ago, going out for a meal pre DC with DH (then boyfriend) and another couple, the woman (a lovely friend) is naturally pretty quiet but witty and fun, her partner was the opposite of DH, a total no speak! I was sitting next to DH on a square table for 4 he leaned forward effectively blocking me/, cutting me off from joining in going on and on in his domineering animated fashion. I got more and more bored as I can't/won't talk over people or interrupt. I ended up just getting up and walking out of the restaurant, immature I know. It triggered a huge row. He still does it now but has accepted it's not ok when in a group and will ask for a signal from me that he's getting into rant/monologue mode. The isolation of the pandemic hasn't helped as he needs to talk and talk and talk and quietly working at home doesn't suit him at all.

Buy him an African Grey parrot. They can bore each other to death.

@Glowtastic

I remember years ago, going out for a meal pre DC with DH (then boyfriend) and another couple, the woman (a lovely friend) is naturally pretty quiet but witty and fun, her partner was the opposite of DH, a total no speak! I was sitting next to DH on a square table for 4 he leaned forward effectively blocking me/, cutting me off from joining in going on and on in his domineering animated fashion. I got more and more bored as I can't/won't talk over people or interrupt. I ended up just getting up and walking out of the restaurant, immature I know. It triggered a huge row. He still does it now but has accepted it's not ok when in a group and will ask for a signal from me that he's getting into rant/monologue mode. The isolation of the pandemic hasn't helped as he needs to talk and talk and talk and quietly working at home doesn't suit him at all.

And you actually married him after he did this?

It is definitely a male thing. I was taught about it in English language lessons at school, and we’d study recordings of conversations and eg write down how much airtime the speakers took up and who interrupted or gave way etc. As a general rule (and yes there are exceptions blah blah):

• female speakers try not to talk for too long, and if someone hasn’t spoken for a long time, the female speaker will try to draw the quiet person into the conversation eg with a question
• male speakers compete with women, and with each other, to hog as much of the airtime as possible.

So odd.