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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men who ‘hold court’ at lunch / dinner parties and in general

157 replies

koalacat · 08/01/2022 20:54

This is really annoying me now and so I wanted to ask if anyone can relate to what I mean. I’m afraid to say my husband has these tendencies - but he is far from alone. They seem to dominate the conversation, they don’t speed up, they pause and expect everyone to wait. I find it very entitled and it’s nearly always men who do this in my experience. Even today I have had this. They go on and on. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
koalacat · 09/01/2022 11:19

AngelinaFibres - I can’t believe he got away with that!

OP posts:
eagerlywaitingfor · 09/01/2022 11:23

@Perfect28

I honestly think people are missing the point when they say 'women do this too' and then go on to describe a woman talking loudly for example. That's absolutely not the same. Women are allowed to talk loudly ffs. This is about dominating the 'conversation' every single time, and is (IMHO) a product of patriarchy. I do agree with pp that it's also a sign of deep discomfort with oneself and stems from insecurity but isn't it interesting that insecure women tend to wallflower whilst insecure men hold court. They have had it drummed in to them their whole lives that they are worth listening to.

My fil is like this and I cringe every time we have to go round, which is thankfully not very often. I have tried many tacts including ignoring, starting a new conversation, looking at my phone. I now usually argue with him (because he doesn't know what he's on about) so now have a 'reputation.' lol. I pity my mil who is so obviously cringing every time and is also quite clearly in an abusive relationship with this horror.

Yes, I agree. Women can take over a conversation and bore you half to death, but not in the same way.

With some men, it is the Alpha male 'Head Of The Table' conversation-dominating, and rarely do women do that, unless it is an all-female gathering.

averylongtimeago · 09/01/2022 11:29

I love my DH, but omg he is this man.

I think Pam Eyres has met him:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oydSZTAns

KohlaParasaurus · 09/01/2022 11:40

I was married to a monologuer. Whenever we went out anywhere I had to have eyes all round my head so that I could step in and liberate whoever ended up trapped behind his wall of words. "How do you KNOW people are bored and not FASCINATED by what I'm telling them?" XH protested in total seriousness when I asked him to give other people a chance to speak sometimes. It may or may not be significant that several of our DC were diagnosed as being autistic.

I had a good laugh when we visited friends and we women took the children out for the day while the men stayed at home to watch television or some other such manly pursuit and were joined by a friend of our friends who was an advanced practitioner of the art of holding court. "I was stuck with this DREADFUL man who never stopped banging on about HIMSELF," said XH afterwards.

(When I married him, I thought his willingness to be the person to break a silence by saying something was quite attractive.)

Muthalucka · 09/01/2022 11:45

I’m a woman I don’t know why men like this all my female friends hold court and talk over each other…

PuppyMonkey · 09/01/2022 11:59

Worst experience I had of this was when doing the compulsory training sessions for our application to become foster carers.

Naturally it involved a lot of group discussion on various issues and all of us talking about our own experiences. But this one guy there tried to completely dominate, droning on and on each time the course leader asked a question. By the time he’d finished relaying a boring anecdote which was mostly irrelevant to the topic, there was no time for anyone else.

Fortunately the course leader cottoned onto what was happening after the first day. By the second, she just interrupted him and cut him dead so that somebody else could have their turn at giving an opinion.

She cornered me at the end of the course and told me that seeing my furious face every time he was doing it made her Grin

AngelinaFibres · 09/01/2022 12:05

@koalacat

AngelinaFibres - I can’t believe he got away with that!
He asked me to be the teacher representative on the governing body. Presumably so I could 'not speak' in a different location. When I got to the first meeting I realised that he had appointed himself as chairman....of his own governing body. Strangest school I have ever worked in .He held court there too. I really needed the money as I was a single mum of 2 but it was the longest 2 years of my life SmileSmileSmile
InFiveMins · 09/01/2022 12:52

YANBU. I've never known a woman be like this. In my experience it's always been men - and they don't care if you think what they are saying is boring, they feel entitled to hold court. Many oblige out of politeness. Best response is to start a conversation elsewhere and just completely blank them out.

KatherineJaneway · 09/01/2022 13:22

YANBU. I've never known a woman be like this.

I have. Met a woman at a few meetups and we arranged to have lunch. I have rarely wanted a meal to end so quickly. She never shut up about herself. I once got a word in edgeways but it was like a miniscule pause then "Well, I blah blah blah".

zingally · 09/01/2022 13:38

Not just men in my experience!!

robinwoo · 09/01/2022 13:58

@KatherineJaneway
I feel your pain This happened to me on Friday. It went on for over 3.5 hours and I couldn't escape ....

HollowTalk · 09/01/2022 16:23

I think the self-important throat clearing and the long pauses where baited breath is expected belongs almost 100% to men.

Aligatornator · 09/01/2022 16:51

My FIL does this. Dominates the conversation around the table with shit stories. When anyone else tries to get a word in he’ll immediately interrupt with “no, listen to this!” And then reel off another shit story and we all have to pretend to be impressed/amused. It’s so embarrassing

KatherineJaneway · 09/01/2022 17:37

[quote robinwoo]@KatherineJaneway
I feel your pain This happened to me on Friday. It went on for over 3.5 hours and I couldn't escape .... [/quote]
How awful!

FrancescaContini · 09/01/2022 18:03

@HollowTalk

I think the self-important throat clearing and the long pauses where baited breath is expected belongs almost 100% to men.
Agree. I have never ever known a woman to hold court like this.
timeforchangenow · 09/01/2022 18:05

OMG we have one at our allotment! Women are only good for tea/coffee/biscuits/donating ex-husbands tools for the sheds he has put up.

Flies his flipping drone over to check up on people/plots. It has been so horrid since he took over management that I feel like giving up my plot

Theeyeballsinthesky · 09/01/2022 18:07

@HollowTalk

I think the self-important throat clearing and the long pauses where baited breath is expected belongs almost 100% to men.
Totally! A 1-1 meeting with a woman who talks incessantly is not the same as a man (and in my experience it’s always men) holding forth to a group of ppl
eastegg · 09/01/2022 18:11

Oh OP I’m getting worked up just reading your posts because I know exactly what you mean. One of my ILs is one of these (and a man). Interminable bore and show-off. I particularly hate the way he expects children to be quiet for him. Yet if I spend more than 5 seconds answering one of his or his wife’s questions I either get interrupted or it is made quite clear they are not listening.

Out of interest his counterpart on my side of the family is the exact opposite. Never blows his own trumpet, and, as is often the way, is quietly a much better joke-teller/storyteller.

Amelion · 09/01/2022 18:16

@HollowTalk

I think the self-important throat clearing and the long pauses where baited breath is expected belongs almost 100% to men.
Ha, yes it’s the throat clearing! I know one man that does this. Another does this loud UM UM UM thing to prevent anyone else saying anything while he puts together his next thought. That man is also very physically overbearing with his arm waving and gestures and so on.

Yes some women can dominate conversation but I’ve only ever known men to really do the whole non-verbal and physical thing to dominate.

In a normal conversation when someone is coming to the end of their train of thought it just dwindles out and leaves space for someone else to come in but with these men they use these things as a sort of ‘placeholder’ until they can start talking at you again.

Kitsinthehood · 09/01/2022 18:19

I know exactly the type, and it's worse in a working environment and even worse if its your boss. You can't tell them to pack it in when it's your line manager.

EmmaH2022 · 09/01/2022 18:24

@timeforchangenow

OMG we have one at our allotment! Women are only good for tea/coffee/biscuits/donating ex-husbands tools for the sheds he has put up.

Flies his flipping drone over to check up on people/plots. It has been so horrid since he took over management that I feel like giving up my plot

Is that legal?

Posters who are married to men like this, I'm guessing they got this way over time?

RuggerHug · 09/01/2022 18:30

Obviously can only say for my family and friends but, they could try and dominate the conversation but they wouldn't get away with itGrin

queenMab99 · 09/01/2022 18:47

I once went to a dinner party with 7 teachers including my now exhusband, and retired teachers, all competing with their stories of taming wild teenagers etc. When it was (at last!) time to leave, I could barely walk, and realised the real meaning or 'bored stiff!'

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/01/2022 19:15

Teachers!!!

I trained as a teacher. The amount of times in placement that a boring man would go on and on about how to teach. Even though his last class had been kicking shit out of each other. You couldn’t escape.

However, it made me minimilise talking in my lessons. I hate teachers that drone on and on.

Bouledeneige · 09/01/2022 19:19

Unfortunately I'm at the state in my career where quite a few of the people I know are at a very senior level in their professions. Some of them wear it well with humility but others derive a sense of importance or pomposity from it - and you really notice them believing in it in how they speak to others or hold forth. Mostly men but some women too. They might not behave like that everywhere or with their oldest friends but it can come out in these dinner party situations. I can't bear it. I will invariably take the piss out of anyone showing such self importance (if I can be arsed) but try to avoid groups of people like that generally. It's revolting.

But luckily I'm rarely invited to dinner parties these days.