Men who ‘hold court’ at lunch / dinner parties and in general

[koalacat]

This is really annoying me now and so I wanted to ask if anyone can relate to what I mean. I’m afraid to say my husband has these tendencies - but he is far from alone. They seem to dominate the conversation, they don’t speed up, they pause and expect everyone to wait. I find it very entitled and it’s nearly always men who do this in my experience. Even today I have had this. They go on and on. AIBU?

FIL does this all the time, and DH has been told (by me) that he is starting to sometimes show a tendency to be heading that way too.

He is aware of how bloody annoying and boring FIL can be, so he’s making an effort to recognise when he himself starts doing it.

Urgh. Awful. My ex was like this (I’m sure he still is) and my brother is the same. So irritating, boring and embarrassing.

Yep, I have a fair number of these guys in my life. My father, bless his soul, had this tendency so I’ve always been aware of the type.

I was just telling DH last night that I’m never inviting again a couple we know, because the guy makes me feel like he’s entertaining us in my own house, when I’ve done all the cooking and hosting. Patronising much?

The men I know who “hold court” come from white British, Canadian, Australian and French backgrounds. I also know White British women who have the same traits. It seems very widespread, though not so much in Asian communities (as far as I’ve noticed from living in Asia, having lots of Asian friends and colleagues and marrying an Asian man).

My dad does this. In fairness he has no friends so it's just us family that are subjected to it.

He gets away with it because although he is older and more feeble now when I was young he was a violent abusive bastard.

I tend to just get pissed at family get togethers. Stops me thinking about what's really going on.

Men (and I know a few women) who do this are bores, I agree. Especially ones who deliberately change the subject to what they want to talk about.

However, playing Devil’s advocate, I’ve also been at drinks/dinner parties - especially with women - where there are long silences and no one bloody speaks. It’s like they’re all being all timid and demure or something. I find it excruciating and, as I’m quite outgoing and happy to ask questions, I’ll usually start something off. Does that make me a bore??! Horrified if so!

It's interesting that several posters are saying this is something women do when in mixed company, men typically dominate 75% of conversations. But the perception is that if women try to redress that balance, they are seen as speaking too much.

I have a BIL like this. God, he's tedious. For some reason my lovely SIL thinks the sun shines out of him.

Yes it's definitely a patriarch stereotype. Filed alongside the man who is an expert on absolutely whatever topic is being discussed.

I am 50 and have lived across three continents and have never seen a woman do this. Not the way that OP describes. Not that heart flattening soul deadening on and fucking on monologue with sips and coughs and gesticulations and no chance of interruption bullshit that you get from men.

My soon to be XH does this. He loves to go into looong detailed explainations, most of the time he is mansplaining and it makes no sense. Then I give my two cents for 20 seconds and he looks at me and says, yeah that also makes sense, we can do that. By then I have spent 5 minutes listening to his terrible plan. I have lost so many hours of my life listening to overcomplicated rubbish and mansplained details that I already know about. He also loves to tell stories that are not true or heavily embellished, often to make me look dramatic or dumb, when in actual fact it didn't happen the way he says it. I always correct him so he will look like the dick, but he still won't stop doing it.

Yes my H does this. I even walk out of the room while he's speaking and he doesn't get the hint.

He also argues with me about areas where I am clearly the expert - like the civil service where Ive done 21 years in a major department of state and he did 2 years at a lower grade in a minor department. But of course he knows how No10 operation actually works!!

YANBU but to be fair, I have known a few women that do this as well.

Ugh my DHs best friend does this after a couple of beers, nobody can get a bloody word in edgeways and if they try he talks over them - I’ve started just walking off tbh, it’s so fucking dull and such a shame because his wife is lovely.

I think there are some individual people who do this, but it isn't men any more than women.

I remember reading a Margaret Atwood book, it might have been The Edible Woman, which has a scene where the female protagonist gets so bored with two men rabbiting on, she slowly slips off her seat onto the floor and stays there, and they don’t even notice.

I leant the book to my mum, to whom I thought feminism was an alien concept, and she told me that she recognised that situation and empathised with the protagonist. It was the first time I got a glimpse of her real inner life.

Yes it is men who do this to women. Bloody annoying.

For what it's worth OP narcissistic and arrogant men are generally disliked by others and the company they're around tends to be people who aren't there 'for' them in particular (friends of their wife, their children and the children's partners). God for it someone else gets a chance to speak, they act offended and disinterested and quickly try to re-dominate again. Such people are a dying breed though, in a hundred years time the whole world will (hopefully) have grown to find such behaviour distasteful at best. I rarely see this behaviour in men under fifty.

There's definitely an episode of motherland that references similar. I think lots of women have felt that way over the years.

There is a man I know who do this who is married to a really lovely woman. People laugh about him when they are not around.

DH went out for dinner recently and there was a party of four (2 couples I assumed) at the next table and 1 of the men was like this. Going on and on, monopolising the conversation, talking very loudly about…himself!

When DH and I asked for the vegetarian menus, he must have noticed as he then proceeded to talk very loudly about how wonderful meat is and how he couldn’t live without bacon sandwiches. Sorry, did anyone ask?

We breathed a sigh of relief when they asked for the bill while we were eating our starters!

Me and Dh got stick with one of these at a party the other week. We just gave each other ' the look' of here we go again. I got my phone out (probably mn) and Dh sat there with a glazed look going on!

What annoys me is the way they assume they have ‘the floor’ to talk about whatever they want. I don’t find women do this. They are more self-aware and don’t presume everyone needs to hear what they have to say. you haven't met my mother, my MIL, my grandmother or my SIL. None of the men do this in our family, they don't get chance!

What would happen if somebody interupted? Dive in during one of their agonizing , err, thrilling pauses.

@echt

My own experience has been that it's evenly divided between the sexes, but bloody annoying whoever is doing it.

Yes unfortunately in my experience there are as many women who do it as men.

I've reached the age where I ignore them and start talking to someone else. I don't care anymore.

No. I find that many women sit back and let men dominate the conversation. For goodness sake women- speak up and be part of the conversation! Eye-rolling and passive aggressive body language solves nothing.