Men who ‘hold court’ at lunch / dinner parties and in general

[koalacat]

This is really annoying me now and so I wanted to ask if anyone can relate to what I mean. I’m afraid to say my husband has these tendencies - but he is far from alone. They seem to dominate the conversation, they don’t speed up, they pause and expect everyone to wait. I find it very entitled and it’s nearly always men who do this in my experience. Even today I have had this. They go on and on. AIBU?

I've certainly known plenty of women who also go on and on and on about stuff that is of no interest to anyone else. I'm quite talkative myself tbh, but I do try to read the room and shut up if I see people starting to fidget.

koalacat

What annoys me is the way they assume they have ‘the floor’ to talk about whatever they want. I don’t find women do this. They are more self-aware and don’t presume everyone needs to hear what they have to say.

Plenty women do this as well. I was on holiday recently and every night had to listen to a woman speak very loudly at her table. I really didn't want to hear her but it was impossible not to.

I honestly think people are missing the point when they say 'women do this too' and then go on to describe a woman talking loudly for example. That's absolutely not the same. Women are allowed to talk loudly ffs. This is about dominating the 'conversation' every single time, and is (IMHO) a product of patriarchy. I do agree with pp that it's also a sign of deep discomfort with oneself and stems from insecurity but isn't it interesting that insecure women tend to wallflower whilst insecure men hold court. They have had it drummed in to them their whole lives that they are worth listening to.

My fil is like this and I cringe every time we have to go round, which is thankfully not very often. I have tried many tacts including ignoring, starting a new conversation, looking at my phone. I now usually argue with him (because he doesn't know what he's on about) so now have a 'reputation.' lol. I pity my mil who is so obviously cringing every time and is also quite clearly in an abusive relationship with this horror.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

God we just tell them to shut up

Yes. I’ll say ‘I’m going to have to stop you there.’ Or occasionally ‘my channeling Mr Bennet, ‘X you have delighted us long enough.’

You can’t sit through that. It’s bad for your blood pressure and let’s X labour under the delusion everyone is hanging on his every golf anecdote.

Moe Szyslak (spelling?) from The Simpsons dealt with this situation perfectly when Homer was blathering on and on. He turned to Lennie and Carl and said, 'OK I think we've been polite for long enough...'

Yeah, middle aged men do this a lot ime. I work what was in a male dominated industry, I really love it when men who have never worked in my industry explain it to me 🙄 I really enjoy letting them know what I do and my vast experience.
Also some women do it, my oh aunt will actually stand up to show she has the floor and will lecture us on how wonderful she is, her vast knowledge on any subject (usually wrong)
Some people just like the sound of their own voice

Perfect28
I can assure you that I am not missing the point and I do see women doing this also. I completely understood what the OP was describing. The example I gave while on holiday was that this women was loud but also dominated the conversation and spoke at her family and friends and not with. I work with quite a lot of women that also do this.

My pet hate.

I remember once stopping at a service station. Whole family sat around a table and dad just droning on and on and on.

When l was a teacher and we had staff briefing, to alleviate the boredom we used to time how long people spoke for. Some of the men took the whole briefing.

it comes from a place of insecurity. It is to be pitied

I think it comes from a place of arrogance.

My FIL is like this. He pretty much plans a lecture for everyone whenever we get together about the thing he wants to talk about. It’s not a conversation, it’s him telling us about something he’s interested in. Often it’s stuff that’s either not interesting (quite niche stuff about the field he worked in before he retired) or not suitable for the situation (a lecture about Brexit when you’re out for afternoon tea and just want to keep it fun). He has zero insight or awareness - he doesn’t pick up on people trying to change the conversation and/or feeling bored/uncomfortable etc (the fidgeting and so on).

He’s actually unbearable to spend time with - if he’s not talking AT you, he’ll wander off. We come away from spending time with him not having had a conversation and not really knowing anything about how each other are doing. It’s one of the reasons we avoid him to be honest.

@eveningbubble

it comes from a place of insecurity. It is to be pitied. And all anyone can do is look as if through a glass window at a zoo.

I’m not interested in some professional bore’s psyche. I’m interested in ensuring he doesn’t think any gathering I’m attending is hanging on his every word.

My uncle is like this and absolutely determined to be right about the thing he’s holding forth about. My mum had her cataracts done and I said ‘Oh yes, they replace the lens’ He then went on to lecture me about how that’s not what happens, this is what happens blah blah blah, even tho mum told me the specialist talked her through it, told her exactly what would be done etc. So tedious.

My bil likes to hold forth and tell long ‘hilarious’ anecdotes, complete with significant silences, during which we’re meant to hold our breath and wait for the punchline. I’ve started asking questions during his significant silences to hurry him up. 🤣

It's really annoying, and there are definitely women who do it too.

My husband has family from an Asian culture and the men will just sit in certain chairs or at the head of the table and just drone on about whatever comes into their brains as if imparting some great wisdom.

What annoys me most, is that if I want to say anything ‘inbetween,’ I’m aware that I have to be super quick, because I sense I will be cut off at any second. But they assume to take frequent long pauses in their monologues and assume everyone will just sit and wait.

My husband is developing such tendencies with age - whether with his family or friends. I think he’s used to being listened to at work so brings this entitlement into the home. Drives me insane. The worst is when he has his cyclist friends over. Soooo boring.

DH is guilty of this, he tells long boring over detailed stories. They would be funny but he goes on so long they stop being funny, I'm pretty blunt with him about it I'll say "long story alert" if he starts droning on. He also gets affronted if he feels he's being "left out", it's pure attention seeking. Does my head in.

His mates do it too though (although he's notorious for his stories), they're all in their 50s. They don't converse, they get drunk and shout talk at each other. It's intolerable. No one listens. I do admit I'm crap at group conversations and prefer one to one so I avoid group socialising generally. However this is mainly as groups are so boring, one or two people usually interrupt, talk loudly, and don't listen and the others listen, or pretend to. As I won't interrupt I end up sitting silently getting increasingly bored.

@Sheabutterisdelish

Yes boring, middle aged white men usually

Don't know why colour has to come into it

My late father and uncle, not white, both did it. It is very annoying OP. Frankly family gatherings are easier and nicer without them.

DH is a talker.
It’s not an attention thing with him, he just comes from a family of talkers.
Why don’t people who talk a lot realise that’s they talk too bloody much?

Really, no one wants to hear about your neighbours cousins aunt who, one time, did that thing that that Anne was just telling us she had done. He always so keen to jump in and say his bit that he’s not even fully listen to the person already talking. Rude.

He’s getting less and less attractive as the years go on.

My diagonal opposite neighbours are out in their garden from April onwards, from dawn until dusk.

He. Never. Shuts. Up. Ever.

It completely ruins sitting outside in the sun with him chuntering on.

I was in a bar the other day and could tell the couple on the next table were on a date, the man went on and on without a break for about 10 minutes, the woman sitting smiling and nodding making the correct noises even DH (a notorious monologue merchant) queried when he might pause and ask her something about herself. She listened politely to his boring story as women are socialised to do.

Ever notice though that these types hardly talk to you or the children? They can't actually engage in a healthy way with their actual family. Discussions are tedious. They're just dominant assholes who love getting on their soapbox. Currently divorcing one. He had the added bonus of being a confrontational wanker.
His solicitor gets to hear all the droning on and on now.

I know women who will go on and on about things however I've never known them quite Hold Court in the way men do with the gestures, dramatic pauses and knowing looks around their audience.

Oh! the annoyance of people who think you want every detail in what they are talking about.
Over a meal a friend (male) told us that he had restored a car, yes it was interesting that he took on some detailed engineering. But none of us wanted to hear about the size of every bolt that he used.
On bus journey a female friend told me a long story comprising phrases like - Then she said --he said -she did not want something so she said. It stretched a 10 minute story out to 30 mins but it seemed like two hours.
It never occurs to them that some of us want less not more.

Any thing that starts with 'that reminds me of the time when....', I switch off

When I moved back to my home town after my divorce I got a job as a teacher at the primary school I had attended as a child. On my first day the headmaster , who had been my year 6 teacher , took me aside and said that I was welcome to attend staff meetings ( um great since I am a member of staff) but I was not to give my opinion on anything or to speak unnecessarily. He had obviously said the same to everyone else because he talked non stop during every meeting I attended for the 2 years I was there , and everyone just nodded and hmmmed . It was like being in a cult.

Oh God the pausing. I remember seeing my mother and her sisters having a conversation, batting the ball back and forth, jokes and questions and information flowing. Then my dad would clear his throat and start a set anecdote with 'funny' pauses and the atmosphere would die.

I think I probably am the woman in this scenario and the brutal truth is that as I've got older I am more confident and less interested in other people. Right, I'm going to retrain in conversation as my NY resolution.