Anyone join me in being really angry theyre a single parent?

[coodawoodashooda]

Today I have been in such a bad mood and that's why. I can't shake it off. Bastard and his meagre child maintenance that wouldn't even buy a bloody pair of shoes. All the friendships that I have lost. I am so lonely, fed up, skint and angry. Anyone else?

"Dont have kids with a loser"

Well yes, thats the obvious thing to say, but do you really think that evry single woman who has ended up being shafted by a selfish prick thought "Oh, he is a total arsehole but he will change when we have a baby!"?

No. Some do admittedly but the vast majority, of which I count myself as one, thought "He is a wonderful kind and caring partner and he wont change once we have our baby" We were wrong. And then we had to deal with a new reality, a reality that we had never seen coming.

That was a response to a few posts back. The most recent ones were bloody cruel. I'm so sorry.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I agree that people who say that understand because their partner works away can fuck off.

They don’t know what it’s like to have all the burdens on your shoulders.

There was a memorable poster a while ago who insisted she was because her husband worked in the US.

She talked about how she had to go to hospital and call her sister to get the kids because he couldn't get home quick enough.

I pointed out that him working in the US was a choice and while she had to get her sister, she didn't have to worry that she wasn't getting paid, she could recover properly because he was coming home. She could stay in hospital knowing another income would cover the bills and the kids dad would pick them up in 24 hours. And she would have that support. Even if it's a bit later.

I called the kids dad to tell him my mum had died. The response was 'oh....well what do you want me to do about it'. My response was 'well be available if the kids need you? Is that too much to ask?'. I just got told he was out with his girlfriend so couldn't really take their calls 🙄

Its really not the same.

@thepeopleversuswork - im with you. It is so much better being on your own than in an inadequate relationship. I think is single mums are often so capable and resilient and we need to sing our own praises more. It’s hard hard work and can be lonely too (but I found that I was most lonely in an unhappy relationship) but it is so worthwhile.

It’s so hard never getting a break though and having to do it all. But equally I like that I answer to no one and am capable of it all myself.

We had Covid so ah well, deal with it. We muddled through. He had it a week later and I got a Whatsapp saying "Cant have DD, got covid". He knew I had no choice but to cancel all my plans and call in to say I couldnt work as had no childcare. If I had said "Got Covid, you need to have DD" I would have got a short sharp "Fuck Off, I have work".

^^
I agree this just utterly takes the biscuit. That double standard. “I’m ill so I can’t…” v “oh you’re ill, well you’ll just have to…”

My ex changed the moment we had Dd home from hospital if that helps any of the “why did you have children with him?” brigade. He was an amazing uncle to his nephews and nieces and I thought he was a great bet as a dad.

Also to pp who say «don’t have kids with a loser». I say to them «don’t blame hard working women for mens shortcomings».

We need to start respecting single mums for all the work they do and stop denigrating them for « choosing the wrong men». We should stop congratulating women for marrying well too while we’re at it. Let’s look at what women do instead of only giving them value in relation to the men they are with.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

We had Covid so ah well, deal with it. We muddled through. He had it a week later and I got a Whatsapp saying "Cant have DD, got covid". He knew I had no choice but to cancel all my plans and call in to say I couldnt work as had no childcare. If I had said "Got Covid, you need to have DD" I would have got a short sharp "Fuck Off, I have work".

^^
I agree this just utterly takes the biscuit. That double standard. “I’m ill so I can’t…” v “oh you’re ill, well you’ll just have to…”

And the thing is, they know that as the kids live with us (or at least in my situation they do) they can just refuse to answer the door!

If I was to turn up with her and try to demand he take her, he can and would say no and we would have no choice. If he were to turn up here with her and just fuck off, what the hell else would I do but have her home?! Not because I had to but because I want to, I love her.

I once had a WA exchange with him where he didnt want to have her on a particular weekend as he had been invited to a party. I said that I was not changing our arrangement (which has to be supervised by his mother as he was abusive to me) as I had plans. He said that he was digusted that my plans meant more to me than DD, I pointed out that I have her for 24 days out of 28 and that his party was more important than the 4 of 28 he had with her. He called me a cunt. Charming.

@CayrolBaaaskin yes this 👏

I left an abusive marriage, so I was always grateful that I got away from that, many don't. I'm no longer a single parent but I was for years and it's tough.
One of my dcs friends mums used to tell me that she was basically a single parent as her "hubby" was gone working from Monday morning to Friday evening. They were so well off (mansion of a house plus several holiday homes, flashy cars, kids handed whatever they wanted) and I struggled to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. It's also just not the same, even aside from money. If she had worries Monday to Friday she could pick up the phone and call fecking hubby. I had no one to share the worries or the joys and milestones with, no one to pick up the slack when I was sick, no one to sit down with and chat to when the kids went to bed.
It's a lonely, scary place.

But it does get easier. How old are your DCs?

Yes yes yes. Im angry, im bitter. I didn't know it would be this hard. All I do is give and I have no life whatsoever. I have very little support. I receive no maintenance & no visitation ( his choice), but he'd still like to get photos for his Facebook! I put a stop to that.

I used to think men shouldnt be allowed go make more babies if they don't support the ones they've already made! I was very angry with him then, not so much now. I'm more just angry at the reductiveness of it. All lone parents are not equal, you may have your weekends free, you may get child support, finances are not a major stressor, you may have loads of family & relatives & friends to help you out. When you have none of these & trying to raise a child with additional needs, whilst struggling with chronic illness, that's the hardest place I've ever been & no one but those who have been in those shoes knows how soul-destroyingly hard it is. I'm angry things worked out this way. I feel like I'm a drowning person holding my child above the water day after day. I'm scared for the future. I feel stuck, every day I fight with everything I've got to get unstuck, but I don't and I won't. I'm lonely. Food is a great anesthetic so I'm also fat, and I can't afford new clothes. I desperately need to see a dentist, I need a pelvic ultrasound but can't afford it, I could really really do with a new bra, but I just can't spread the money towards me. Its survival.

I also can't bear those who compare their partner working away with being a lone parent..... Totally ignorant!

I'm also sick of those who tell me I'm lucky cause their partner slightly wrecks their head & I don't have to deal with that (only said to me by people with really amazing partners / dad's).

I do understand those who have escaped awful abusive relationships saying it's much easier now than to suffer that 💕

Relieved to be gone from abusive relationship.

Fear, anxiety of what's to come, potential court looming if he can be bothered, no child maintenance, I fled and he's sat in the family home not budging while I'm struggling to afford new shoes for DC on universal credit after leaving my work at his demand.

I never have a moment to myself and have no idea who the hell I am now, but I wouldn't go back to him in a million years.

Some things are better. No more silent resentment, no more treading on eggshells, DC and I have some peace now.

But yeah, it's hard, and YANBU.

@User57327259

I would rather be a single parent than a woman working two jobs to keep a non working, non contributing man. I would rather be a single parent than a woman taking any physical or emotional abuse because the man is the higher earner. I have lived both these lives and got out. I am glad I had the guts. It was always tight for money. No child maintenance was ever paid. I managed even though it was not easy. It paid off because I am in a fairly good financial position whereas the useless father is still not in any sort of financial position. Women have so many good situations to be able to manage on their own. It was not so easy in the past to get childcare at any costs. It was barely known for a woman to get a mortgage as a single parent. It is also quite acceptable for a woman to have a FWB now.

So agree with this. How many women on mn are living half lives stuck in awful relationships, too scared to leave a man who makes the money but is otherwise useless and makes the family unhappy. Us single mums should be so proud of herself.

Yeah. Totally agreed. But why is it so easy for men to be lazy and irresponsible arseholes?

@coodawoodashooda - i wish I knew. Maybe it’s social expectations of men are so low. Even my mum thinks my brother is «run ragged» because he occasionally looks after his own children as well as works (he is happily married to a woman who does the lion’s share of the childcare and housework). Yet she has nothing but criticism for me though I work and do everything for my dds.

I also think it’s the social aspect, my ex use to say how people would praise him when he was out with the kids how good it is to see a man looking after his kids, he wasn’t making this up either as I witnessed it (this was when he was seeing the children) also single dads (rp) are praised as being something amazing. With my ex personally I think it’s because he sees me and the kids as a package and can’t separate us .

I’m not a single parent but just wanted to add its an absolute disgrace that men aren’t made to pay maintenance (and a proper amount), and I judge any man who doesn’t very harshly.

I hope there’s more public pressure to getting legislation changed around this. How men think they can just swan off - and what’s worse get away with it - is a national disgrace in the 21st century.

My ex left, if he hadn't he probably would have killed me. I was too frightened to leave I thought we would be screwed and homeless because I thought everyone would treat me the same way he did, he convinced me I was a useless freak, so I had to hide away otherwise if I talked to people or looked them in the eyes etc they would clock me for what I was and treat me like shit too.

but when I went to the housing office to get housing benefit and DWP to get job seekers etc everyone was so nice and no one judged me at all.

@Pensieve

I’m not a single parent but just wanted to add its an absolute disgrace that men aren’t made to pay maintenance (and a proper amount), and I judge any man who doesn’t very harshly.

I hope there’s more public pressure to getting legislation changed around this. How men think they can just swan off - and what’s worse get away with it - is a national disgrace in the 21st century.

But who makes the laws? MP's. And despite the fact that women are making great inroads into politics, its still the Old Boys who make the rules.

Boris is the perfect example, even he doesnt know how many kids he has!

They dont want men to be held accountable in the same way that women are, which is why there has been no real change since their first nod with the CSA.

I gave up being angry as I was only hurting myself. Im more sad than angry. This isn't the life I wanted or dreamed of and its certainly not the childhood I wanted for my DD. But it is much much better than being with my ex.

I was the main breadwinner so I'm lucky not to have been as financially hit as others (good job as the maintenance he gives is a pittance) but have always had to work full time and get really pissed off that single parents get child benefit taken away if they earn over £50k when married couples can earn up to £99k before they are penalised.

I'm sad my career was stagnant for 10 years - no way could I have taken a promotion and done all that needed to be done - and has never (and never will) recover.

I'm sad that I'm the emotional punch bag for a hormonal teenager. And when she's unhappy with him I get it with both barrels too - she wouldn't dare be rude to him.

I'm sad there isn't anyone I can talk to about DD that loves her and understands her as much as I do.

I am sad that I chose to have a baby with the person I did. But then DD wouldn't be who she is would she? so I guess I can reconcile with that.

I'm lonely. Don't think there'll ever be anyone in my life. Mid-50's now. Been single for over a decade. But I do have a friend who got married in her 60s after a similar time alone so I forever live in hope. Maybe when DD moves out?!

@RedCandyApple

Omg that’s terrible I can’t actually believe people think that it’s the same let alone say it out loud?!

My daughter has autism and I was ranting on an autism page how hard it is being a parent to an autistic child and doing it all alone with no support (ex entirely absent) and asked if there was any other single mums doing it alone and got so many comments from people saying they are not single mums but they know how I feel as their partner works all day so they spend all day alone with their child 😑 I can’t even take my daughter out as I can’t manage her on my own, at least if you have a partner there is someone else their to help even if they do work 🙄 or you can leave them alone with the child when they are back home from work etc really not the same.

I agree, as a single mum with an autistic child. It is tough going and it's 24/7. I would be raging if someone said that!

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

I gave up being angry as I was only hurting myself. Im more sad than angry. This isn't the life I wanted or dreamed of and its certainly not the childhood I wanted for my DD. But it is much much better than being with my ex.

I was the main breadwinner so I'm lucky not to have been as financially hit as others (good job as the maintenance he gives is a pittance) but have always had to work full time and get really pissed off that single parents get child benefit taken away if they earn over £50k when married couples can earn up to £99k before they are penalised.

I'm sad my career was stagnant for 10 years - no way could I have taken a promotion and done all that needed to be done - and has never (and never will) recover.

I'm sad that I'm the emotional punch bag for a hormonal teenager. And when she's unhappy with him I get it with both barrels too - she wouldn't dare be rude to him.

I'm sad there isn't anyone I can talk to about DD that loves her and understands her as much as I do.

I am sad that I chose to have a baby with the person I did. But then DD wouldn't be who she is would she? so I guess I can reconcile with that.

I'm lonely. Don't think there'll ever be anyone in my life. Mid-50's now. Been single for over a decade. But I do have a friend who got married in her 60s after a similar time alone so I forever live in hope. Maybe when DD moves out?!

This child benefit rule is hugely unfair. How come none of the child poverty action groups etc are able to legally challenge the government on this? Isn't this is arguably a rule which most significantly impacts single women, and therefore isn't it legally dubious?

I know many men are single parents, and good on 'em.

But most single parents are women.
Many of us left with all financial, emotional and physical load.

I wonder if the roles were reversed how much more support financially and with child care/ flexible work we would get.

But then this country is run by a man who doesn't have a great record at sticking about either.

@PenelopePitstop79 the child benefit rule is one thing I do get angry about! It really needs to be addressed.

Thank you OP, I think it’s a question that ought to be asked more often and it still amazes me that it’s not.

I’m one of the “lucky” ones. I earn a good salary and could potentially support my children financially alone. As it happens, my ex pays a reasonable amount of child support each month. He also has them every other weekend.

However, he moved 90 minutes away (to be with his girlfriend) and doesn’t accept this is a problem. He can’t see them midweek and they miss out on all extra curriculars as they are away every other weekend. He is now getting difficult about the travelling and wants me to meet halfway.

I accept that I’m in a much better position than some financially. But there are other aspects of single parenting that there are no answers to. When my 5 year old asked me constantly why daddy didn’t love him enough to live closer, what was I supposed to say? I couldn’t /can’t say anything that damages my children’s self esteem any more than it already has been.

Whilst to the outside world he is “present” in his children’s lives, the reality is I do 90% of everything. Including all drs, dentists, opticians, haircuts, play dates, school events, school runs. All whilst holding down a demanding job.

And yet society says this is ok, this is fine. He isn’t abusive, he pays regular money, he sees them once a fortnight. By most standards, he is a “good” part time dad. According to many of the stories on here, he is stepping up.

I find it unutterably depressing, the terribly low standards we hold most fathers to. Had I, as a mother, declared that I wanted my life to be all about me and moved 70 miles away with my boyfriend, who was 15 years younger than me, and announced that I would only see my 2 under fives once a fortnight, I would have been vilified. But apparently, he needed to be true to himself. Bless. The families and the new girlfriends of these so called “men” need to take a long hard look at themselves.

Yes I can do it on my own. Sometimes, I actively prefer it. But do my kids?

Oh, and for the “pick better” crew, mine was a Boy Scout who was so hands on with our first, I barely got a look in. Changed overnight when he found the young girl who “understood him”.

Solidarity to all us single parents. We can do it, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t often hard, or we can’t sometimes mourn what our children may have missed.