Anyone join me in being really angry theyre a single parent?

[coodawoodashooda]

Today I have been in such a bad mood and that's why. I can't shake it off. Bastard and his meagre child maintenance that wouldn't even buy a bloody pair of shoes. All the friendships that I have lost. I am so lonely, fed up, skint and angry. Anyone else?

@Bluntness100

Can you even imagine being *@AlDanvers*.,so bad, so so bad,

Genuinely concerned you are struggling, yourself. Now less embarrassed for you, but am feeling a bit bad for you.

People forgot that DV also often starts when a woman becomes pregnant. So yes sometimes it does only happen when it’s too late, and you’re already pregnant:have an baby people are quick to tell people to LTB on here but then so horribly judgmental of single mothers, no wonder a lot of women stay in horrible abusive situations

@LondonWolf, I agree with you totally, men do it more than women, but my point remains, for some, the signs are there before children arrive, all I have said on here, is that sometimes the signs are there before h kids arrive, and I stand by it, male or female, and I get it’s an uncomfortable truth. Sometimes rhe signs aren’t there, but sometimes they are.

However respect for saying you have reported, I don’t understand how it’s broken guidelines, but at least you’re open about it. Not liking my message, doesn’t mean it doesn’t meet the site guidelines.

Oh grow up,. I’m cringing for you, and your lack of Ability to see past your

Your what, exactly? You say you have some empathy with single parents because you were brought up by one yet the best you can do is make personal comments towards a poster you disagree with? Seriously?

It is absolutely true that many people cannot cope with single mothers doing well for themselves. I have had it for years - nasty little too loud comments said in the playground by people who know nothing at all about my life and how I lead it. I had one woman literally pull in the others around us and laugh her head off at me saying I was a teacher in her response to 'what do you do for a job then?' - I was on a one off early finish due to a medical appointment so able to pick up for a change. She literally sniffed 'no, you're a TA, you must be mistaken' and thought she was hilarious. You're no better, you simply can't stand that maybe there are women out there happy with how life is going and able to manage perfectly well. It's not a prison sentence, we didn't do anything wrong. Shit happens. People get on with it and people succeed when they get on with it. There is no shame whatsoever in that.

You may want to examine your relationship with your mum and have a bit of a think from your oh-so-superior married for life after making good choices position.

It is personal attack on @AlDanvers imo but I am sure MNHQ will do what they see fit.

Yet again, I have no interest whatsoever in the tangents you keep trying to take this discussion down. I won’t engage with them any further because I think they’re irrelevant to this thread where so many women are talking about very painful experiences at the hands of feckless men and how we could address the raw deal that single - mostly mothers - parents get. I really don’t understand why you can’t see that your “discussion points” are derailing the thread or why you keep trying to angrily justify them and force posters to engage with them despite multiple posters telling you this.

If I were you I’d be asking myself what I am getting out of fighting with a load of single parents - a position I am not in myself - and trying to make them discuss ideas they find painful and irrelevant to their own situations.

No I love being a single mum, can do things my way and get a little break every couple of weekends. I think I'd feel differently thought if her dad wasn't as involved.

@Bluntness100 sounds like you had a difficult childhood. That has nothing to do with this thread, which is about the issues faced by single mothers.

Please stop derailing it with your displaced anger, judgement and blame.

My DV only started once I was pregnant.

We split when DD was 25 months and DS 10 weeks. He hasn't seen them since. We were both working but work wouldn't agree to me no longer doing 5am starts. I also realised around 27 months at the 2 year HV check that DD was very obviously fairly severely autistic. I had no choice but to leave my job following maternity leave which luckily I still had 6 months of).

It was a major low point, I went from a comfortable income to completely lone parent. I decided to pick back up my degree and 2 years later (had done a year already) graduated with a first-class honours. DD still wasn't in a position childcare was viable and I hit another major low. In all honesty I hate being trapped at home.

I began my MA and about 6 weeks ago I found out I passed with distinction.

Now I am trying to figure what the hell to do next as DS appears to also have substantial needs (both have full EHCPs). I've picked up a couple of volunteer roles to try and build my CV in the hope it just needs a couple of more years for childcare to become viable and I have solid work experience to support my return to paid work.

The idea of being trapped at home long term makes my anxiety skyrocket but doing it completely alone is exceedingly difficult. There is no one to juggle with and when we do only 3 hours of sleep in 24 hours there's no fallback.

I'm far from stupid, but I'm definitely stuck and I can see how exceedingly difficult it is to get out of that stuck. My only saving grace is despite being fully on benefits, I have a fairly decent income because of their money so I can meet their needs and fund our home comfortable to allow me time to not have to dive straight into whatever position comes up or live in poverty.

It is shit and as a society we shouldnt tolerate these men who don't support their DC's. They should be called out. Have their passports and driving licences taken, fined etc.

Absent father's are costing us all a fortune! Money that could be much better spent on health and education! They are stealing from all of us!

Shame them.

Shun them.

@felulageller

It is shit and as a society we shouldnt tolerate these men who don't support their DC's. They should be called out. Have their passports and driving licences taken, fined etc.

Absent father's are costing us all a fortune! Money that could be much better spent on health and education! They are stealing from all of us!

Shame them.

Shun them.

Yeah but why doesn't this happen? I thought there were laws to enable this. How come it never bloody happens?

@felulageller

It is shit and as a society we shouldnt tolerate these men who don't support their DC's. They should be called out. Have their passports and driving licences taken, fined etc.

Absent father's are costing us all a fortune! Money that could be much better spent on health and education! They are stealing from all of us!

Shame them.

Shun them.

its not even the money that pisses me off, its the lack of doing any bloody work, you know parenting and having to deal with the schools, honestly I think we should have a one child policy in the uk, the worlds over populated anyway. that'll stop them endlessly running around impregnating people, ok you've had your one now your getting your tubes tied to stop you having anymore.

Why, when there's a discussion and sharing of experiences that call men's behaviour into question and suggests that maybe that behaviour, and wider society's attitudes and expectations need to change, do some people always have to start with pointing out that women do it too and that NAMALT and that women are to blame ultimately, for men's behaviour? Why is there a need to steer the conversation away from the behaviour of men?
Yes, women do it too, but no where near in the same number as men do, because if it were true that sex/gender isn't relevant then there'd be no stigma attached to single mums, it'd be attached to single parents full stop and we'd be asking why men don't look at their potential partners better, choose better, see the red flags and act upon them, but we don't because the vast majority of people who walk away from a family are men.

Husband left for another woman? Your fault, you should have seen it coming.
Ex P not paying maintenance? Your fault, you should have known he'd be like that, there's red flags and you probably chose to ignore them.
Man walked away from his family without a second glance? Women do it too.

Or the "You'll never change it" attitude, code for "Shut up, we have decided it's your fault and that you're not worthy of being listened to anyway because you're a single mum which means you're automatically in the wrong regardless, so know your place.

My husband died and I fucking hate I’m a single parent again, my kids weren’t his but by god he was bloody brilliant with them.

Now he’s gone and the idiot that is my youngest 2 dad is still breathing, the waste of oxygen the smelly, smoking, drinking, lying, thieving waste of space who thinks it’s ok to badmouth me to his new girlfriend and friends, making stuff up, like I had an affair. Nope. I was a bad mum, he wants custody, I want him back..ew and this is the worst.. once I’m done grieving for my husband in a few months then he’ll ask me back out and he can move back in because I know where I belong wtaf!!

Luckily his now ex told me this, she is very nice surprisingly, we’ve both been damaged by him

He pays no maintenance, still lives in a shared house and Is always on the sick with x y z wrong and rent arrears.

I hate him. The wrong man died. It’s not fucking fair.

My eldest with him 14 knows the truth, my youngest 11 is very touchy about him but what can I say

Oh @ghostmouse. (((hugs)))

Not a single parent but agree that they well and truly get a raw deal. And I am angry for you all.

I intend to write to my MP asking for changes to enforcement of CMS -for example implementing the Australian system where if you have arrears you are not able to leave the country until they are paid (border control stop them). I hope that other parents will do the same. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

I’m not really in a position at work to do much to promote and assist single parents but I am a listening ear that they can and do vent to. I also bring in all my DCs hand me downs and they go to the single parent, not the double income free childcare colleague even though she has DC who would fit them.

💐 to you all

I also think that in the UK the very definition of a "single mother" is charged with negativity. I am not British, but I feel it is often used here to describe a certain social group of "undeserving" women.

I had a very nice neighbour tell me, when I said that I am a single mother - "ah, don't say that about yourself! You own a house and you work, you're not like that at all!" When I only meant that I am single and I am a mother.

@Perfect28

This thread is a very good warning advert for not having kids with someone useless! Were they always useless or did something change when babies came along? I totally agree about why it is socially acceptable, dad's always abandoning their children whilst if mothers did the same it would be neglect! Utter double standards. Single parents are incredible.

I completely agree but the majority of single parents I know - the father was clearly very useful prior to having kids so what then does anyone accept.

In other words OP, while I genuinely have sympathy for the situation perhaps society isn't to blame here and you have to take some accountability for who you decide to procreate with and walk away before kids when you're with someone clearly useless.

That's the only way it would stop if people couldn't get away with it anymore.

I mean that in the nicest way, I'm not trying to be mean by my post.

@youtown

In the nicest possible way, your post is completely useless.

What “accountability” would you like us to take? We’re the parents who stuck around. We have, by definition, been left with all the accountability.

Do you want us to hop in a time machine? Or do an eternal shame walk? I really don’t get the “accountability/responsibility” argument. What exactly do you want us to do?

(And no, my ex wasn’t ‘clearly useless’ before we had a kid. People change when they have kids).

I mean that in the nicest way, I'm not trying to be mean by my post.

And yet you’re not being “nice” and are being “mean” 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Mumoblue most (not all) men that run away from their children were useless before the child arrived. Continue to be in denial about that if you want to but I know a lot of single parents and each and every one of them has a useful father that just got more useless free the kids.

Perhaps society does need to take some accountability but often so does the parter that chose to have kids with the useless.

@youtown

I’m not “in denial”. I have lived my life, you have not. I know my ex, you do not.

And you didn’t answer- what accountability? What exactly do you want us to do? We already have all the accountability.

But yes, when so many posters come in here to ask if we’ve ever considered that maybe it’s all our fault and we signed up for it really- I do think society maybe needs to sit down and think about how it treats single mothers.

I think it makes some people feel safer, to assume that we all could have seen this coming- it helps them think it could never happen to them.

But that simply isn’t how life works.

I’m genuinely baffled by the amount of smug marrieds strutting onto this thread to give a load of struggling single mothers a good dig. It’s actually making me laugh that they don’t realise just how sanctimonious and unpleasant they sound when they’re probably feeling all pleased with themselves for being the one To Tell It Like It Is

@LondonWolf

It is kind of funny when they rock up with “maybe you have responsibility” like there the first person to think of pointing the blame at single mothers. What a revolutionary idea!

Seriously, the thing I heard again and again after my ex cheated- both from my family AND his was “I can’t believe he’s acting like this. This isn’t him.”
But apparently I should have seen it coming! 🔮

Another self righteous lecturer on the problems with single mothers

I get you,no maintenance here either and when he does have DC I have to usually lend him money so he can get food in as he pisses all his against the wall through drinking and eating out.