Anyone join me in being really angry theyre a single parent?

[coodawoodashooda]

Today I have been in such a bad mood and that's why. I can't shake it off. Bastard and his meagre child maintenance that wouldn't even buy a bloody pair of shoes. All the friendships that I have lost. I am so lonely, fed up, skint and angry. Anyone else?

Same here - I have come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to see a penny of child maintenance. The ex doesn’t see dd at all - and hasn’t since she was about 2, she’s now 10. She is type one diabetic, I do all the hospital appts, I’m up in the night when her medical device alerts low/high blood sugar. I rarely sleep and lost my job due to covid.
I’ve competed a degree now and I’m looking for work, hoping for something that fits around hospital/school issues HA!
The last I heard, ex was posting pictures of him swanning around in New York and various other holiday locations.
His family have nothing to do with us either - he was controlling, manipulative, abusive but they all took his side.
I’m very tired and mostly skint. It’s all a bit shit.

OP, I could have written those exact words myself. Sending solidarity ♥️

Society isn't accepting of that. I know no one who thinks that's ok. I think you mean the system which is a fucking joke! My best friend going through the same. Not one person condones his behaviour but the system allows him to get away with it. It's vile. I hope you're ok and I bet you're doing an amazing job and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shit

Yes.
I blocked a lot of it for years. He left when the youngest of our four was 2yo. So I’ve been alone 10yrs now. For the early years I let him get away without paying much as he still came and ‘helped’ a few evenings a week and I didn’t want to rock the boat so the children had their dad about as often as possible.

I finally started letting myself be angry in lockdown and have had a year or so processing my feelings on our split and being a single parent. He’s met someone and moved area so the children barely see him now. Two are adults, the younger two are now 15 and 12. For years the children thought him the fun parent but they have gradually learned who does what and things shifted and I finally feel that gritting my teeth was worth it. They know which parent was there for them.

I see so many women falling for what are obviously 'bad boys' and are then left shocked and confused when they turn out to be less than perfect fathers and partners.

Women really have to start taking responsibility for their own poor judgment in getting together and breeding with these feckless, irresponsible wasters in the first place.

They should be pilloried by society. Why are there no penalties or laws for community service, or in extreme circumstances imprisonment?

I don't want their dad around any way, but there needs to be some sort of deterent to stop this from perpetuating!

@Yants

I see so many women falling for what are obviously 'bad boys' and are then left shocked and confused when they turn out to be less than perfect fathers and partners.

Women really have to start taking responsibility for their own poor judgment in getting together and breeding with these feckless, irresponsible wasters in the first place.

@Yants There's some truth in that. However, it's not so black and white. Many of these women are in vulnerable positions to begin with, and are products of a patriarchal society.

Why shouldn't men start to be made responsible for their behaviour? Be expected by society to treat women with respect and contribute to parenting equally, and take the brunt of a career break?

You’ve every right to be angry.

The system is massively skewed in favour of men, allowing them to swan off when parenting feels a bit too much like hard work.

The CSA has little teeth - and no political party ever, ever comes out with policies to help single parents. It’s all about ‘getting parents into work’ without thinking through how they’ll afford childcare and what that really means for a single parent.

I hate "coparenting" with someone I intensely dislike/hate. He called me a fat bxtch the other day and now he's booked a drive in safari 3 hours drive away on a Sunday when dd has school tommorow and I have things to do in the house, wtf???? Why would he think im going??
I have to get dd ready to go now, shes autistic and hasn't slept the whole night and also somehow a mystery person has left poo on the bedroom carpet and I have been scrubbing all night, thrown my back out and I'm in pain
I am tired of being treated like a "fat" slave that nobody respects or likes. Dd never listens to me, always moaning and crying and stressed out "because of me" even though I do all of the important things, daddy is an "angel" and superhero and "i want daddy" rings through my ears everyday.
Im t I R e d

@dameofdilemma

You’ve every right to be angry.

The system is massively skewed in favour of men, allowing them to swan off when parenting feels a bit too much like hard work.

The CSA has little teeth - and no political party ever, ever comes out with policies to help single parents. It’s all about ‘getting parents into work’ without thinking through how they’ll afford childcare and what that really means for a single parent.

That's what I don't understand. My x is obviously lying about his income. Why aren't they using their powers to find out what he actually earns?

I prefer it because living with him was so horrific that anything would be better than that. I feel lucky that I got to have these years alone with these two lovely young people, doing things my way rather than having to negotiate his nonsense.

However, it’s been hard taking his constant abuse, his bad mouthing of me and his interrogating my children and then sending me vicious emails and messages if they told him something he decided made me “a shit mother”. When my kids were young I didn’t say much about him or his behaviour but now they’re teenagers I am very honest - though not vitriolic- and I answer their questions and tell them he pays no child support etc, that he’s unpleasant towards me. They worked out for themselves who he really is, I’m not going to pretend their own perceptions aren’t real.

@Yants

I see so many women falling for what are obviously 'bad boys' and are then left shocked and confused when they turn out to be less than perfect fathers and partners.

Women really have to start taking responsibility for their own poor judgment in getting together and breeding with these feckless, irresponsible wasters in the first place.

This makes me so angry, get off your high horse and start placing the blame where it should be. The men who can’t be bothered. The government who fail to do anything about it. And society who blame women for being on benefits when the men have abandoned their children and pay nothing.

Also, guess what?
I didn’t realise the man I was with was going to turn out to be an abusive arsehole because you know - they are not like that to being with and once you find out who they really are, it’s not easy to break free.
I didn’t “choose” him knowing any of what he would turn out to be.

My ex's family supported him and dont have anything to do with us, his father was abusive I didnt find that out until I'd been with ex for 10 years and his mother told me about it all.

odd that women dont listen to each other, she now accuses me of abusing her son, she sees somethings changed about him (i.e he's mental) she blames me for it and sees it as proof I abused him.

also he told everyone I was abusive to per-empt me so when I started telling people what he was doing they didn't believe me, as I said before he always played victim, woe is me everyones horrible to me etc, it pays off for him because people feel sorry for him and do things for him and treat him to things to make him feel better.

I cant stand people feeling sorry for me I dont need anyones pity, its pathetic to play victim, I dont know how he can live like that, its shameless. and I dont understand why other people dont run a mile from the woe is me types, altho they probably do in the end as he has no friends only work mates and changes work after declaring all his workmates shits (probably because nothing changes no matter how nice they are and they get sick of his woe is me crap and eventually see it for what it is?).

I hope my words act as a warning to others, you see so many fools posting about their new boyfriends and how they feel sorry for them because their exs are bitches that stop them seeing their kids, yeah right.

Begin not being

@Yants

I see so many women falling for what are obviously 'bad boys' and are then left shocked and confused when they turn out to be less than perfect fathers and partners.

Women really have to start taking responsibility for their own poor judgment in getting together and breeding with these feckless, irresponsible wasters in the first place.

Ive corrected it for you “Men need to start taking responsibility”

When they want to fuck you they will tell you anything and everything that you want to hear they will paint a picture of being your dream man.

The moment they want to fuck someone else they change. They may not have even met someone else in our case but they had a little taste of fucking other people and then they decide that boring old you who’s up to your eyes in childcare and trying to support you all isn’t as much fun as she used to be.

flowers for you OP. YANBU

My ex moved in across the bloody road with DS's friends mum and still does absolutely nothing to help with regards to childcare or seeing them in any regular way. I work full time, have no support from him in any way and yet he lives across the fecking road! DS and DD have to see him walking down the street/ in the local shop and it makes me so bloody mad. He will on off occasions take them out ( of course with his new girlfriend and DS friend who he now lives with ) and thinks he is dad of the year when he does this!

Hmm, being a single parent vs still being with my Ex. Single parent every time! He hasn't paid maintenance in the 13 of the 15 years that DD has been on the planet (plan the make an application this year) and has subsequently had another child.

Very few of us plan to be a single parent and despite the financial hit there’s no way I’d have been happier with him.

I have one life, why waste it being resentful when I get the privilege of raising DD and being her mum.

@Yants

I see so many women falling for what are obviously 'bad boys' and are then left shocked and confused when they turn out to be less than perfect fathers and partners.

Women really have to start taking responsibility for their own poor judgment in getting together and breeding with these feckless, irresponsible wasters in the first place.

Bad boys? mine was the little shy nerdy type who seemed harmless non threatening, he frowned at the other guys at work going out to get shitfaced and scream at football and he baby sat his niece, people thought he was gay because he was rather effeminate looking and small, he was a a bit woe is me everyone at work treats me like shit and I do all the work.

but why would I not believe him on that? I didnt know what his work was like.

I grew up with my father not being around very much, even in the years he lived a few streets away and I would only see I’m at weddings, funerals and christenings. I learnt very early on that he was a father in name only and am forever grateful that he wasn’t constantly in and out of my life.

My expectations of him were very low (non existent) which meant I rarely felt the sting of disappointment.

I think the current culture of Tinder/fast sex/no responsibilities has alot to with this. Our grandparents were told that hard work/morality/duty were honourable and worthwhile. This generation is shown fast money/fast sex is the way to go. Of course this translates into bad family relationships- if you were brought up to believe your own needs always come first, why would you suddenly change?

How many of you are politically active?

The system we have isn't fair but it won't change until you stand up and get noticed. Venting on mumsnet isn't going to change anything.

Women didn't even get to vote until the suffragettes came along and drew attention to the matter.

@Joined4this

I think the current culture of Tinder/fast sex/no responsibilities has alot to with this. Our grandparents were told that hard work/morality/duty were honourable and worthwhile. This generation is shown fast money/fast sex is the way to go. Of course this translates into bad family relationships- if you were brought up to believe your own needs always come first, why would you suddenly change?

There has been feckless men and women since time began, this is nothing new. Y mother abandoned us and my father raised us, and I’m in my fifties now. Plenty of both men and women fuck off and leave their kids, they don’t support them financially or emotionally, single parents, kids in care, have been a thing for decades and decades. It’s nothing to do with social media and everything to do with the fact inadequate arseholes can breed.

@Yants

I see so many women falling for what are obviously 'bad boys' and are then left shocked and confused when they turn out to be less than perfect fathers and partners.

Women really have to start taking responsibility for their own poor judgment in getting together and breeding with these feckless, irresponsible wasters in the first place.

ODFOD. You haven’t got a fucking clue.

As for ‘make women responsible for men’s behaviour’. No. Absolutely not.