Anyone join me in being really angry theyre a single parent?

[coodawoodashooda]

Today I have been in such a bad mood and that's why. I can't shake it off. Bastard and his meagre child maintenance that wouldn't even buy a bloody pair of shoes. All the friendships that I have lost. I am so lonely, fed up, skint and angry. Anyone else?

@VelvetChairGirl

I dont think I am angry at being a single parent its very mixed feelings, I am angry that I am all alone, dealing with my son, I am angry I cant get a part time job because no one wants to employ a single mum with restricted hours, sure I might be able to get a job as a fucking cleaner or school dinner lady but I dont want to do more mothering/house work I want a proper bloody job in a office with friends to talk to, preferably in entertainment media industry, I am fed up with being solely responsible for everything, my ex has gotten away with well he's gotten away full stop, has nothing to do with us, doesn't pay the amount of maintenance he should and I am mostly fed up with being single I am lonely and I really want a boyfriend, I think thats why I suddenly developed a massive crush on RDJ over lockdown and spend half the time day dreaming about him.

But on the other hand, I am free, my sons behaviour has improved and he is much happier without dad around, I have more money on benefits then I did when the ex was here, I dont have to worry about the death threats and things getting randomly thrown/smashed, I am not constantly being told I'm useless and everything is my fault and that we are skint because I use too much electricity etc, I dont have to deal with the hierarchy anymore of how the cupboard space is allocated and the fridge space etc, I dont need to ask for permission to go out anywhere other then shopping months in advance and then see if its allowed when the day comes based on my behaviour, I dont have to just keep my head down and my mouth shut for a quiet life anymore and I am grateful for that.

so I guess I am happy to be free, angry to be alone and lonely and angry to have wasted 14 years of my life in that mess.

if that makes sense.

But why are these bastards not being named and shamed?

Yes. My ex doesn't see his DD but does pay maintenance that has gone down and down over the years. Doubt I could even date another man again!

But why are these bastards not being named and shamed?

No point, people won’t care, I remember saying to my sister why did he have kids with me if he wasn’t going to bother to see them and she said “you mean you had HIS kids” as if it was something I “done” to him and he had no choice, even women defends these losers as seen on this thread “you should have picked better/ your own fault/ wouldn’t happen to me/ didn’t you know he was a loser before you had kids”

@Perfect28

This thread is a very good warning advert for not having kids with someone useless! Were they always useless or did something change when babies came along? I totally agree about why it is socially acceptable, dad's always abandoning their children whilst if mothers did the same it would be neglect! Utter double standards. Single parents are incredible.

No, wasn't useless. But a new woman came along and it was as if his children just stopped existing overnight. He sees them now infrequently but still no maintenance or any sort of regular input. I would never trust another man again after seeing that.

I would rather be a single parent than a woman working two jobs to keep a non working, non contributing man. I would rather be a single parent than a woman taking any physical or emotional abuse because the man is the higher earner.
I have lived both these lives and got out. I am glad I had the guts. It was always tight for money. No child maintenance was ever paid. I managed even though it was not easy. It paid off because I am in a fairly good financial position whereas the useless father is still not in any sort of financial position.
Women have so many good situations to be able to manage on their own. It was not so easy in the past to get childcare at any costs. It was barely known for a woman to get a mortgage as a single parent. It is also quite acceptable for a woman to have a FWB now.

Just wanted to say how incredible many women are for doing their absolute best in parenting alone despite never setting out to be in this situation.

I read with interest, but I'm coming from a slightly different angle here: I'm a single mother by choice (IVF via a sperm donor) so no partner, 'father' figure in the picture. I genuinely wanted a partner to have family with but didn't find a suitable one in time...
Do I enjoy being a single parent? It's only been 6 weeks but it's hard work (cumulative tiredness, constantly being 'switched on' etc),/although I really am grateful for my son as I had him rather late, aged 39. I can't understand what many of you are going through emotionally, but I can certainly understand intellectually the anger, disappointment, frustration of the situation (there being an ex in the picture but hardly any or no support from them).

I wish there was more support from employers in particular when it comes to more flexible working arrangements, so that single parents aren't excluded from increasing their income and improving their job prospects. Also, the cost of childcare is so prohibitive which contributes towards the burden of raising a child alone.

coodawoodashooda
"But why are these bastards not being named and shamed?"

whats the point it wont change anything, society doesnt like the idea of "no fault of your own" it gets in the way of their sense of security.

I went to the police about my ex and they said "well he wouldn't be doing all that for no reason it takes two to tango" and that is the view of society really its more comforting that way isnt it.

I actually think we are lucky after reading this thread, my ex is a miserable sod always was, he is an average earner in a retail job, lives in a shared house with people he hates, basically he lives in a bedroom with a en-suit and bought himself a mini fridge and steamer so he didnt have to use the shared kitchen. so he isnt doing better then us.

I became bitter once my DS was an adult. I never had a penny in maintenance and his DF chose to stay away. I hate him with every fiber of my being. If he had just paid half of DSs things I would be in a much better financial position.

I used to get women saying they understood because their husbands worked away. And how it cant be that hard. Or tips on how I could do better. Do fuck off.

my ex wanted to see "his son" he demanded it when ever he wanted and of course I had to take our child to him not the other way round because "he works hard, he's tired etc".

I wouldnt let him see our son alone, he refused anyone else being present but me (probably because he couldn't emotionally abuse anyone else).

he made threats to take me to court and have my son taken away so I never see him again, not that he has any interest in keeping him he wanted to dump him on his mother.

the visits were always shit.

then our son told the child psychologist with SS that he didn't want to see daddy anymore and that was the end of that, we don't see the ex because my son hates him, he is referred to as "that arsehole" or "the arsehole" in this house.

to you all.

I am not always angry but today I am, and totally totally spent. DH was never useless - the absolute opposite - and I am livid cancer took him five years ago leaving me to bring my DC up alone as well as my job and everything round the flipping house.

Pre-teen DS has me on my knees at the moment (ADHD and possible ASD) - and his school have decided to hold January year 8 exams. Just fantastic. Trying to get him to revise is something else. And he wouldn’t eat his delicious home cooked meal tonight because he’d spotted a spider a full three metres away from his meal. He’s still awake. He acts like he can’t stand me but wants me near at all times. Send gin. I just heard him running down the stairs. I am SO tired.

Love to you all, single parents.
All of you who can't get a night out (no babysitter or can't face explaining to grandparents exactly where you're going and who with), can't go on holiday with your child/ren (no money), can't buy them things they need (cheap shoes, needing them to spend their birthday money on a good outfit), neighbours - and the vicar - assuming you're some kind of 'fallen woman' because you're alone with a child (that doesn't happen nowadays, surely! But it did to me), working your fucking arses off to improve your situation... Good luck, know that those of us who were there before you, we are rooting for you now.

I’m much happier as single parent than I was with exh

I have to remember that whilst he merrily earns a lot more money due to time to devote to career, meets a new partner due to prioritising that from day one etc.

I’d be much less happy if I was still with him!

@tunnocksreturns2019

🥃 x

I agree that people who say that understand because their partner works away can fuck off.

They don’t know what it’s like to have all the burdens on your shoulders.

Runaway dads should be jailed, I agree.
It’s disgusting.

I’ve never had a penny for my dc.

The ex has a great life funded by his parents living it up in a 4 bed London town house they bought for him in their name. He doesn’t work because they pay for everything.

Meanwhile they slate me to high heaven for the smallest thing….
“wasn’t she wearing that coat 12 months ago when we last decided to swan in and disrespect you?”
Yes because it was a choice of a new coat when her old one still fitted, or having lights on this month
“Have you even bothered to try to budget for private school?”
No because I can’t afford bus fare to work right now, private school is the last thing on my list of essentials to keep us alive
“We don’t think it’s fair she hasn’t been on a plane yet, it’s important to experience culture when young”
She’s 2 and I can’t afford butter this week, so a holiday to kefalonia isn’t my priority
….when I’ve had 2 jobs and paid for everything for 18 years.

It’s wonderful so many people haven’t struggled, that’s really really great. I am super happy for you
…but on this thread you are in the same box as the “my dp works full time so I’m like a single parent too” brigade.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I agree that people who say that understand because their partner works away can fuck off.

They don’t know what it’s like to have all the burdens on your shoulders.

It’s so frustrating, I even heard “I’m a part time single mum as DH works away” 🤦🏻🤦🏻🤦🏻

[quote PurpleMauve]@tunnocksreturns2019

🥃 x[/quote]
Thank you!!

@StopStartStop

Love to you all, single parents. All of you who can't get a night out (no babysitter or can't face explaining to grandparents exactly where you're going and who with), can't go on holiday with your child/ren (no money), can't buy them things they need (cheap shoes, needing them to spend their birthday money on a good outfit), neighbours - and the vicar - assuming you're some kind of 'fallen woman' because you're alone with a child (that doesn't happen nowadays, surely! But it did to me), working your fucking arses off to improve your situation... Good luck, know that those of us who were there before you, we are rooting for you now.

I went to a lot of churches before the ex left, they are places you can cry in, some times people there would talk to me and they were always nice, oddly a lot of them or at least the ones I remember were men who left their wives and kids and said they regretted it but told me to take my son and run, dont look back its his loss and he'll regret it and we will be better off then him.

not sure how many were lying.

I did speak to a few vicars they were nice, but that was before the ex went, when he was being a total psycho arsehole.

RedCandyApple about a month after my DH died a colleague said they knew what it was like because their DH worked in London and got back about 7pm so couldn’t help with bathtime during the week 🤣

I am 50/50

I love that it is just me making the decisions, planning how we live, doing the small stuff like meal planning without having to take into account his faddiness.....

But....

I hate that when I am ill there is no back up. We had Covid so ah well, deal with it. We muddled through. He had it a week later and I got a Whatsapp saying "Cant have DD, got covid". He knew I had no choice but to cancel all my plans and call in to say I couldnt work as had no childcare. If I had said "Got Covid, you need to have DD" I would have got a short sharp "Fuck Off, I have work".

Its the fact that they have the get out clauses that we dont have. We are the default, the fall back and they know that because we actually love and care for our children, we will do it. Bastards.

Oh and I to make a confession......I did hope that pre-vaccine my ex would catch covid and it would kill him. Yes I did. He ticked most of the boxes for people that would die and thought it was a load of bollocks, yet somehow he managed to avoid it. If he was dead things would be so much easier for me and DD.

I know what you mean.
My children are in a much better position now that their father isn’t living with us and I wouldn’t trade this life I have now for the one I had before. But it’s not easy when everything is on you. 4 children depend completely on me.
I’m extremely nervous about approaching the teen years on my own. I hope it will all go ok.

@Perfect28

This thread is a very good warning advert for not having kids with someone useless! Were they always useless or did something change when babies came along? I totally agree about why it is socially acceptable, dad's always abandoning their children whilst if mothers did the same it would be neglect! Utter double standards. Single parents are incredible.

@Perfect28 changed when DD came along

I’m angry that before I’d met my ex id begun getting my life back. Good job, own home, starting to get my freedom back as my ds was 14 at the time. He wanted another child, I wasn’t too sure. Eventually came round to the idea, believed whole heartedly he would be a good dad. Forward 5 years. I’m alone with a 3 year old. No maintenance, no contact between ds and ex, can’t work, on benefits, at risk of losing home. While he goes about his life. I love ny son and do not regret him at all however how these men can just walk away makes me sick. I’ve been left alone and with nothing but disgust at myself for allowing myself to have landed my poor boy with a shit excuse of a father. And the people who comment “why did you have a child with this waste of space” bug the fuck out of me. My entire career has been in mental health and then supporting victims of abuse. Never did I think this would happen to me. I am so sick of the excuses and blaming. Do people think we go out and pick the first loser we come across and decide to pro create with them? Makes me mad as hell

Omg that’s terrible I can’t actually believe people think that it’s the same let alone say it out loud?!

My daughter has autism and I was ranting on an autism page how hard it is being a parent to an autistic child and doing it all alone with no support (ex entirely absent) and asked if there was any other single mums doing it alone and got so many comments from people saying they are not single mums but they know how I feel as their partner works all day so they spend all day alone with their child 😑 I can’t even take my daughter out as I can’t manage her on my own, at least if you have a partner there is someone else their to help even if they do work 🙄 or you can leave them alone with the child when they are back home from work etc really not the same.

Everyone's struggles look and feel different though. I think people don't mean to be cruel, they're just clumsy and thoughtless.

Before the big affair reveal, xh worked away for a year or two. He was so uninvolved, I remember thinking it actually felt easier when I became a single parent. I wasn't so constantly disappointed by his neglect that way. There was no longer any expectation.