To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

[mothtoflutter]

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking )

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

You barely know your boyfriend, you shouldn’t be meeting his child and you certainly shouldn’t be looking after her.

The fact that he thinks it’s appropriate makes me highly doubt him as a responsible parent.

OP - I am a stepparent. It was 18 months before I met the children and the youngest was 9. You have been with them 8 weeks - way too soon. Take a step back and just enjoy dating your boyfriend. Perhaps if you’re still together after 6 months have a conversation about meeting daughter. Maybe at a park or similar - slowly, slowly. For your sake too.

I would apologize to be honest and just suck-up the tone on this occasion.

Is she ridiculous? No. She is unhappy that her child is being left in the care of somebody that her ex has known for only 2 months. As any mother would be.

Is she aggressive? Well, the message isn’t friendly, and she’s clearly pissed off, But she’s not called you any names, she’s not used any rude words other than ‘shit’, she’s not made any threats or anything like that at all. So I’d call it angry rather than aggressive.
Yes she should have gone to her ex rather than to you, but I would guess that experience has taught her that that would
be a waste of time.

I’d step away from this guy.

I wouldn't be letting someone I've known 2 months look after my digs let alone my child!

You shouldn't be involved at this stage at all!
And him allowing you to do this is a red flag for me, he is the parent she is not a chore doing him a favour is taking the rubbish out when you leave not parenting a toddler who's met you twice. How are parents supposed to protect these children when a parent like him introduces every woman/man they've had in their bed to these children- where is the stranger danger?

You also need to seriously think of the trouble you could have been in if someone had to report something? Not saying you would have done anything but putting yourself in a position when you are alone and dressing a young child you don't know. You need to be smarter than that.

Just because he's told you you're the first doesn't mean you are.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I agree that your partner introduced y’all very early so I have sympathy with the mother’s frustration - but her message is really aggressive, and aimed at the wrong person. I have no problem with the fact you helped dress his daughter it took her to nursery - you are where you are, you’ve met her already, it would be weirder for the little girl imo if you were a distant presence now you’re in her life. That ship has sailed. From the little girl’s perspective, the grown ups in her life should look after her. Also from her perspective, they should stick around - so I hope it works out between you and her dad.

But yeah. Just ignore the text message.

@Porcupineintherough why not? OP is out of order and yet she expects the person she has upset to be polite.
Behaving decently will, for the most part, keep you out of firing lines.

So much to unpack in this!

Yes her tone was rude and it’s never a good idea to put yourself in the wrong by being aggressive. Also, she shouldn’t go directly to you, she should raise it with your boyfriend. He’s the Dad, and he’s the one in the wrong for asking/ allowing you to meet his daughter, let alone dress her and take her to nursery.

It’s far far soon for you to dress her and take her to nursery so her mum is right in essence. She must be shocked and very worried, which excuses her error of tone a little bit. Jeans back to front and wellies on wrong feet would be really uncomfortable too.

Tell your boyfriend this is moving way to fast, and as his ex suggests, meet him only in the daughter’s absence. Poor child will be so confused.

Also, be ware from your own point of view of a man who puts you in charge of his child after only two months. You could well be his idea of a substitute to do all the work for him during his contact time!

@Porcupineintherough

She was rude and overly aggressive and should have taken this up with her ex rather than you

But, it is far too early for you to be playing step mum and you should be very, very wary of a man who is so eager to cast you in that role. Sure he had work. But I'm sure he's had to work before and got his child to nursery.

So you've got a lazy bloke with a bitch for an ex. Are you sure this is going to work out for you?

Why is the ex a bitch. She got angry because her child was handed over to a stranger. I think any normal person would have seen their backside

Out if interest what does your boyfriend make of the messages? Does he see any issue?

By the sounds of it she already told her ex not to let his new girlfriend (s) around DD and got nowhere , so maybe she's hoping the message will drive the point home to OP and SHE will do the right thing if the child's father can't or won't.

So in order of who is most in the wrong it goes:

1. Your boyfriend by a country mile
2. You
3. His ex

Can one assume this also applies to the boyfiends of the mother too, the father will get to meet and approve of them??

I don't think it's a question of approving romantic/sexual partners but vetting who has access to your child and I would think your suggestion is very reasonable but the father seems so ignorant about safeguarding his daughter I doubt he'd care. Thank god this little girls mum has her head screwed on.

This isn’t going to work op step away , your the same age as my dd and I’d be telling her to avoid like the plague. Getting into a relationship with a man who’s barely just split up with his ex who’s still very raw and your dressing although badly her dc . No op you’ve overstepped the boundaries but I’d be running like the hills in this as quite frankly it’s you who’s going to get hurt in this set up .

If I were you (and if what you say about drink/drugs is accurate) I would reply,
‘Yes, sorry, on reflection you were absolutely right and it won’t happen again. Just to set the record straight, x wanted to dress herself independently and I didn’t want to upset her, so let her do it herself. I’m sorry her clothes weren’t on properly. Also there was no drinking to excess, although we did have (insert number of glasses) of wine, and there was certainly no drug-taking. mothtofllutter.’

YABU. She is completely in the right. Why on earth are you even anywhere near his daughter when you've only been with him for 2 months?! Keep away!

I do sympathise with you, it seems you’ve been naive to the situation as it’s not something your familiar with. Also people are assuming your relationship isn’t serious after 2 months, everyone goes at direct paces. I know people that have unintentionally fallen pregnant around that time and 5 years still going strong.

The problem lays with your bf. If he wanted you to meet the child he could of made the mother aware and discussed it prior to she could of sounded out these concerns with him. They could also attempt to co parent and decide between them at one point they’d like to introduce future partners.

Her message was poorly delivered and she could of been communicating with your bf and not you. At the end of the day her opinion whilst claiming not to have one is evident and she needs to consider that you may be around longer than she anticipates and building a relationship with you would benefit her child.

The comments about your boyfriend past behaviour or with her are irrelevant to you, as well as bringing his mother into it. I can see her side and why she’s been upset by the accident but I would personally not respond and push it back to my boyfriend to resolve. I’m assuming that his mother mustn’t having given her the response she was wanting either hence also messaging you.

Clearly if her pants where on the wrong way round and you didn’t feel to ‘challenge’ her I would say that is an indication of how comfortable you are around her so I’d speak to my boyfriend about future interactions so if this is something he wants for the future you can build a relationship with the child slowly so both you and her are comfortable.

She is being unreasonable to take it out on you, you were just inexperienced but doing your best to help. However he is very unreasonable to allow this to happen, I would see this as a red flag, that he is not a responsible father, it is not a good idea to introduce his little daughter to you, how ever kind and good with children you may be., until you have been together for at least a year. It would be good to text a calm apology to her, no need to grovel or go ott, because it is not really your fault. I would also think seriously about continuing this relationship, you are young, there is no reason to lumber yourself with an idiot, who has an ex, who is angry because of his inappropriate behaviour, now and in the past.

@MorkandMandy

I mean really he’s the issue, obviously. He should be making these boundaries very clear to you and looking after his own child. Nevertheless, she’s angrily communicating with you because she’s tried to explain this to him before and he didn’t listen. Red flag in itself.

I agree with this. Really who he sees and has around his daughter is his business and the girls mum can't control that, as he has parental responsibility of her. But this doesn't mean that it is the right thing for you to do, for you to be doing these things. He isn't taking his ex's feelings into consideration or respecting her, so that is why she sent you the message OP. Assuming the mum has the child at least 50% of the time there isnt really any reason why you should be there during his time with his daughter.

Did the nursery know you were dropping off? They probably informed the mum/ex that a stranger had dropped her off - certainly we had to inform nursery if there would be any changes to who routinely drops/picks up. That may have been the stress. And yes, you don't let a child go to nursery dressed back to front 🙄🙄

I don’t know why so many people are taking the line “this should be addressed to the father not you”. It should be addressed to both - and I hazard a guess the father has also received a message or a call.

However 1) he’s clearly feckless. She’s probably been through this before, judging by her wording, and what she says has little impact so she’s trying another approach, via OP and 2) OP is a grown up. She makes her own decisions. No one forced her to do something as misguided/stupid as dress a 3 year old she doesn’t know, go round snd get drunk having just met this 3 year old. But OP referring to her recent relationship as a “partner” tells you everything you need to know.

Surely this isn’t real?!

I don't think the mom handled it very gracefully but - she's not wrong.

Her DD is so unbelievably precious, of course she doesn't want someone she doesn't know caring for her intimately. It's your OP fault not yours but I can really understand why the mom was so upset.

I'd question whether your DP is a good father on the basis of all this.

@HunkyPunk

If I were you (and if what you say about drink/drugs is accurate) I would reply, ‘Yes, sorry, on reflection you were absolutely right and it won’t happen again. Just to set the record straight, x wanted to dress herself independently and I didn’t want to upset her, so let her do it herself. I’m sorry her clothes weren’t on properly. Also there was no drinking to excess, although we did have (insert number of glasses) of wine, and there was certainly no drug-taking. mothtofllutter.’

This is a really good response. I would feel quite sorry for you OP, were it not for the fact that you are slagging off the mum. She's done nothing wrong, and when you have kids of your own, you will understand.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Out if interest what does your boyfriend make of the messages? Does he see any issue?

He let his girlfriend of 8 weeks dress his young child and take her to nursery without even seeing her (presumably) before she left. Why are we assuming his judgment would be sensible or logical or in the child's best interests?

She didn’t word it ideally but I would be as cross as she clearly is.

His daughter is his responsibility and he should be doing the parenting when she’s with him.

You shouldn’t be parenting at this early stage in the relationship, it’s not right for the child.

The nursery will have seen the way the daughter was dressed and that she was dropped off by a stranger and probably raised it with the mother as a potential safeguarding concern. Imagine how she must have felt to arrive at pick-up time and hear what had happened.