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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 08/01/2022 21:19

@Coffeepot72

Why are so many people assuming the OP is Myra Hindley?
Who is?
SleepingStandingUp · 08/01/2022 21:19

@Coffeepot72

Why are so many people assuming the OP is Myra Hindley?
Not a single poster has accused the OP of hurting the child. But the point is she IS a stranger to her. She has put herself I na vulnerable position dressing a young child she barely knows and he put his child in a vulnerable position leaving her with someone he's known weeks. She doesn't have to be evil, she could just be a bit feckless. Put the kid in without a seat belt, decide they'd have more fun at the park, drive dangerously. Does he know her well enough to know she knows how to look after a 3 yo? What she'd do in an emergency? Op wouldn't even qn the girl enough to get her shoes on the right feet, what if she refused to hold her hand to cross the road?? All of those risks are massively reduced when you know the adult properly, the kid knows the adult properly and the person knows the kid properly
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/01/2022 21:19

do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter

Funny how no-one has noted that it is so fucking patronising to call the Dad's partner "Girl" , I'm hoping he chooses to shaf women Hmm

My DD could put on her own knickers and trousers at 3yo and my DS sometimes came out of school with his shoes on the wring feet ( they wore plimsols in school) so I wouldn't get the angst about that .

Do we know WHY the Dad left the OP to do the drop off ? No. Just assumed he's feckless . He might have had an Emergency > Don't know what his work is . He ight have had ti call in the favour .
But lets just be judge&jury [hmm[

And OP - you;re 24 . Do you really want to be embroiled in this ?
I don't have a 24 yo . I do have a 22yo DS and if he was shagging a parent with a small child , I;d be telling him to back away .
There are literally milions of single blokes or even single Dad who don't live in this very tense situatiion.

And yeah , I;m the Dad . Obvs Hmm

00100001 · 08/01/2022 21:21

@Echobelly

There's so very OTT remarks on here.

The OP was clearly trying to be helpful, didn't realise it could be seen as an overstep because I'm not sure that would occur to you if you didn't have kids. It probably wouldn't occur to me before I had kids.

For people saying things like 'MASSIVE safeguarding' issue - OK, two months isn't long for a relationship overall but the OP is hardly a random stranger to her partner at this point. It's probably long enough to know someone is trustworthy and the chance of a woman being a threat to a child is vanishingly small.

Personally I think I'd pass message on to partner to respond and not get involved.

Yes OP isn't a stranger to her boyfriend.

But she is to the child.

If OP was a man, would you be so accepting of him dressing a 3yo girl he had only just met? You'd think that wasn't an issue? You wouldn't think that slightly odd?

Mellowyellow222 · 08/01/2022 21:21

I think the use of the word partner has given the impression OP is a bit immature and is pretending this relationship is more serious than it is.

People think of the term partner as in life partner, as in two people who are in a serious committed ling term relationship. I think if a couple who have been together for years, maybe have a house and children, but have decided not to marry.

At 8 weeks I would be testing out the label boyfriend!!

MsRinky · 08/01/2022 21:23

Not buying that knowing how completely inappropriate this all was is some magical knowledge imparted only by motherhood. I don't have any kids, but I do have common sense.

3scape · 08/01/2022 21:23

Every comment is laying into the op or the ex for what happened as the op pushed boundaries and deliberately tried to get this child on their own. ALL because of over the top nature of this mother's approach. She should have established the facts, she have asked questions and she should have dealt with her ex. She wasn't making an attempt to improve things she was just taking a shot at someone. I feel for the daughter in this who will no doubt be interogated about every last interaction because, for all the criticism of the ops boundaries, the mother doesn't seem to exactly have very good ones!

ChargingBuck · 08/01/2022 21:23

Why can't we just be positive about another caring adult being in a child's life.

Because the child is 3 years old, & being palmed off on a g/f who has father has known for precisely 8 weeks.

Would you be happy if that happened to one of your children @Lostmyway86?

lollipoprainbow · 08/01/2022 21:24

Terrible that you can't help a child get dressed without the implication being that you are some sort of paedophile. Mumsnet is so hysterical sometimes.

00100001 · 08/01/2022 21:25

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter

Funny how no-one has noted that it is so fucking patronising to call the Dad's partner "Girl" , I'm hoping he chooses to shaf women Hmm

My DD could put on her own knickers and trousers at 3yo and my DS sometimes came out of school with his shoes on the wring feet ( they wore plimsols in school) so I wouldn't get the angst about that .

Do we know WHY the Dad left the OP to do the drop off ? No. Just assumed he's feckless . He might have had an Emergency > Don't know what his work is . He ight have had ti call in the favour .
But lets just be judge&jury [hmm[

And OP - you;re 24 . Do you really want to be embroiled in this ?
I don't have a 24 yo . I do have a 22yo DS and if he was shagging a parent with a small child , I;d be telling him to back away .
There are literally milions of single blokes or even single Dad who don't live in this very tense situatiion.

And yeah , I;m the Dad . Obvs Hmm

Well, what do we know about the situation?

Dad has introduced a woman to his 3yo after only seeing her for 2months. He had left the child in the care of a stranger (to the child)

I'm going to bet he wasn't called out in an emergency. Because if he was in that kind if role, he'd have a plan in place. Which would hopefully be abit more robust than the woman he's seeing dressing and dropping off a child she barely knows.

A sensible parent would say, when OP offered"No, that's very kind, but DD doesn't know you, and Nanna always does the last-minute stuff, so we'll stick with our normal plan for DDs sake, maybe when we all know each other a bit better we can look at what happens another time...."

BigYellowHat · 08/01/2022 21:26

Partner??!! 😂 You’ve only known this person 2 months. How many ‘partners’ are you going to have this year? I also wouldn’t be impressed with the nursery thing. You’re overstepping the mark here.

MissMaple82 · 08/01/2022 21:27

I agree with the ex!! Why the feck are you getting her ready for nursery! I'd be fuming also, especially as you couldn't even dress her. Back off and know your place

Somuddled · 08/01/2022 21:29

Hello X, I didn't realise it at first but discussed it with other parents and now I see that I was in the wrong. It is far too soon into the relationship to be interacting with your daughter. My intentions were kind but naive. You have my assurance that I'll back off and reassess later if the relationship is still going strong. I would preferred that your message had been less aggressive but I understand your anger. To reassure you we only had x wine and certainly did not take and drugs. Again, I'll honour your request not to interact with you daughter.

That's what I would send.

user1481840227 · 08/01/2022 21:31

So reply and say "I don't know you, please don't contact me again" block her and have done with it.

"I don't know you" to the mother of the child that you are playing step mummy too...wow
Surefire way to antagonise and provoke the mother.

Her and her boyfriend would then bond more over the common enemy..which always happens.

and then the child will no doubt suffer in some ways from the hostile co-parenting that that will follow!

ChargingBuck · 08/01/2022 21:33

@Coffeepot72

Why are so many people assuming the OP is Myra Hindley?
Show me one post that assumes this @Coffeepot72.

It is inappropriate for a g/f of 2 months to be playing at stepmum to a child she barely knows - it's disruptive & unsettling for the little girl.

If you had children by an ex, how comfortable would you be with a random brand new g/f dressing your kid (wrongly) & taking her to school?
OP doesn't have to be an axe murderer for this to be all kinds of wrong.

Ozanj · 08/01/2022 21:35

I would be horrified if someone my child’s dad was only dating for 2 mths started to dress my dc. I’d assume (and I’m not accusing you of anything!) that she were a pedophile because normal women don’t do this. It’s a massive, massive overstep and if I were you I’d stop asap for your own protection.

CustardySergeant · 08/01/2022 21:35

"Dad has introduced a woman to his 3yo after only seeing her for 2months."

No. The OP has been seeing the father for 2 months. He introduced her to his daughter a few weeks ago, so it's much worse than you said.

Phantom1 · 08/01/2022 21:36

The father of the child should never have put you in this position and the mother of the child should be taking the issue up with him.

threecupsofteaminimum · 08/01/2022 21:36

I'd have gone ballistic if I were the girls mother. You sound very young, you have a lot to learn.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/01/2022 21:37

Well, what do we know about the situation

No we don't
Only the OP does
The other back-up might all be isolating with Covid , who knows ?

I would still bristle at being addressed as "girl that he's shagging"

And I still think the OP should cut her losses and get the Hell out of Dodge .

He . Is . Not . Worth The , Aggro.

GeorgiaMcGraw · 08/01/2022 21:37

Run for the hills OP. This brand new boyfriend should not have had you at his house on one of his daughter's nights to stay with him, not after 5 or so weeks. It's absurd, and incredibly unfair to the child. He shouldn't have accepted your offer of help. Frankly, you shouldn't be so willing/eager to slot yourself so neatly into his life as his free childcare after a few weeks. It puts you into doormat territory. Not a good start. The mum is right. Harsh, but right. That is her daughter. You are a stranger. The useless father clearly has form. Run.

candlelightsatdawn · 08/01/2022 21:38

Mmm your young and I suspect you didn't do this to be a dick, I also suspect you didn't think this would be a thing. But I assure you it's a thing and tbf with good reason.

You don't deserve people making out like your some child killer. But I can get as a mum how much this would unsettle me actually.

However I imagine your bf knows she was gonna text you because he got a text himself but didn't give you a head up she was pissed off because he didn't care he wanted a easy life and probably he's a bit of a coward.

So she messaged you (fairly hotly in my opinion) to get you to know how she feels. Knowing that he won't pass on the message. Hoping you might listen when he won't. Try to find some empathy here, this probably scared mum whittless (she doesn't know you remember)

Check his phone I put money on it she messaged or called him re this.

I'm old now but I gotta say anyone that can pass on the "women's" work that fast (getting kiddo dressed ect) is waving a v red flag. I don't care if he has some type of devil dick, hun he is not worth the hassle. He will lose his hair, and get fat and you will still be doing the women's work.

If I was mum I would have kicked off at him but I suspect that was a fear response in texting you.Your too young to be trapped by a bloke like this.

Run 🏃‍♀️

ChargingBuck · 08/01/2022 21:39

@lollipoprainbow

Terrible that you can't help a child get dressed without the implication being that you are some sort of paedophile. Mumsnet is so hysterical sometimes.
Where has paedophilia been implied @lollipoprainbow?

Is your bar so low that you think a stranger not being inclined to commit a sexual offence against a toddler means it's all fine & dandy for them to assume parental control?

I bet you'd feel somewhat 'hysterical' of you split up with the father of your children, only for him to palm them off on a g/f he's known for 8 weeks.

KurtWilde · 08/01/2022 21:39

It's basic common sense that you don't go playing happy families with someone else's child 3 weeks after meeting them.

AsYouWishButtercup · 08/01/2022 21:41

NRTFT but I REALLY wish that when people want to play happy families and dress up with the children of people they’ve known 5 minutes, they’d just for a nanosecond Consider the child’s feelings. Do you really think a 3yo ‘took to you’ or do you think maybe 3yo’s just go with what their parents want and say and don’t understand how to channel their feelings? Do you think it’s nice for her to have some random women playing mum with her? Ask any adult whose parents went through partners like pairs of pants in their childhood, it’s damaging. It really is, sorry if that pisses on your little step mum fantasy but it’s best you know this now. Frankly I agree with this woman but she should be directing her anger at your bf. Shocking lack of safeguarding that he had you stay over and take her to nursery