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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
ikeptgoing · 08/01/2022 20:58

Wow that was quite a message

Your new partner is crazy to leave it up to his new partner (you !) to dress and get his DD to nursery when it's all such early days.

That stinks of poor judgement and boundaries on his / her part.

Having said that, the message you received from this woman was awful. She searched you up on sm and sent that.

So reply and say "I don't know you, please don't contact me again" block her and have done with it.

Then ignore it but have a word with your partner as she / he should be getting their own Dd ready and not leaving it up to the newbie (non parent)

You don't need to engage with the madness that is going on. Is the daughter / child involved is safe? Yes? Good.

Rightshoardingsaurus · 08/01/2022 20:59

I understand her anger and agree with the vast majority of posters that you should not be meeting and getting involved with your boyfriend's child. That is massively overstepping boundaries. And you probably have no idea what an arse your boyfriend is. It is pretty clear though from the fact that he introduced his daughter to someone he barely knows and dumps her care on them. She is also right that you should not be intruding on her time with her father.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 08/01/2022 20:59

Not read the other responses but no way would I be happy with my ex’s woman he’s seeing (because let’s be honest, 2 months isn’t even girlfriend, let alone ‘partner’) dress my toddler child and take her to school. You lack boundaries and your ‘partner’ is a fool. She should be taking it up with him but based on the fact he thinks it’s ok for you to be around his child already, she probably knows it’s pointless speaking to him.

lightisnotwhite · 08/01/2022 20:59

cherish123 No, there is definitely a difference between boyfriend and partner.

Boyfriend is someone you are in a relationship with. Partner is someone you are serious and share a future with.. You can call the person you live with your boyfriend but it’s a stretch to say someone you’ve known less than 2 months your partner. Especially as the Op appears to not be introduced to any of the family including the mum involved.

Lucked · 08/01/2022 20:59

Yes he is going to use this to pull the “she is crazy” line. FYI she’s not and he (and you) are in the wrong.

Would you consider him a good father if he didn’t say something while his ex was letting a brand spanking new boyfriend dress and be 100% responsible for his daughter?

So in answer to your question. Yes she is aggressive but it is you and your “partner” who are ridiculous.

tricksyt · 08/01/2022 21:00

Far far far too soon for you to be around his child, let alone left alone with her.

I think most mothers would be fuming at this.

Your boyfriend (he's not your partner) is an idiot.

Alfredsothermistress · 08/01/2022 21:01

The fault for all of this lies with the father, and the mother should really be directing her justified anger towards him, not you. You’ve been used, and you’re being made out to be the bad person, when you’re really not.

I wouldn’t get angry with the mother. I would just end it with the father. It could be the case that the mother has sent this text to you, rather than the father, because he is non responsive to her. In which case she has no other alternative left but to contact you and get you to back off.

That she contacted his mother speaks volumes to me. He is clearly an unreasonable person and one who is willing to let a new girlfriend carry out his parental duties. Just think about that OP. You shouldn’t have even been put in that situation. How you responded, by doing his bidding effectively, shows you what he is all about.

You are not unreasonable to be upset about the text that the mother sent to you - in the moment you did what you felt was a kind thing - but the ramifications of that should give you a huge red flag when it comes to this man.

I feel so sorry for the mother, who is having her child be looked after by people she doesn’t know. It’s horrible for the mother, so in that respect you should forgive her aggressive tone. That message should have really been sent to the father, but then how many times has she tried (and failed) to get the father to see sense?

OP, you need to step back. In fact, I would advise that you end it with the father. He is ultimately the one at fault, and other people (you, the mother, and most of all the child) are the ones who are paying the price.

Andy2555 · 08/01/2022 21:02

Not well thought out*

Thatsplentyjack · 08/01/2022 21:02

Well one day you might be in her situation and then you will feel the same.

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 08/01/2022 21:03

Yikes! I think she’s been very reasonable, I would be fuming in her shoes. You’ve been together just 8 weeks (2 months), and already you’ve not only met this little 3 year old but you’re staying at the house whilst she is with her dad, you are getting her dressed and taking her to nursery!! You shouldn’t be doing any of those things after knowing her dad for just 8 weeks! It isn’t your place to. It’s far too early.

Echobelly · 08/01/2022 21:04

There's so very OTT remarks on here.

The OP was clearly trying to be helpful, didn't realise it could be seen as an overstep because I'm not sure that would occur to you if you didn't have kids. It probably wouldn't occur to me before I had kids.

For people saying things like 'MASSIVE safeguarding' issue - OK, two months isn't long for a relationship overall but the OP is hardly a random stranger to her partner at this point. It's probably long enough to know someone is trustworthy and the chance of a woman being a threat to a child is vanishingly small.

Personally I think I'd pass message on to partner to respond and not get involved.

lightisnotwhite · 08/01/2022 21:04

So reply and say "I don't know you, please don't contact me again" block her and have done with it.

FFS. You really can’t say this to the mother of the little child you are “ looking after”. You need to apologise, back off and tell her it was a one off. And mean it. If you do become a serious girlfriend you don’t need to be pissing off the child’s other parent.

KurtWilde · 08/01/2022 21:04

You'd get the same sort of text from me OP. Only it wouldn't be quite as polite.

Isthatthebestyoucando · 08/01/2022 21:05

@Authenticcelestialmusic

The childs mothers nearly always do raise it with their exes, the ex is normally an arsehole about it, that then annoys the mother who responds angrily to his awful dismissive, dickish attitude, the father then uses that as proof the ex is crazy, the new girlfriend believes it and ignores all of her boyfriends part in it!

This ^^

Have fun but don’t become default childcare. I would do as she suggests turn up after bedtime, leave early. I have read lots of threads on here about women who are now doing everything for their boyfriends kids because he won’t rearrange his work (like many separated women have to). Instead mum/sister/new girlfriend/Mary next door becomes the childcare provider.

Also 2 months isn’t very long and you don’t want to feel too committed to her in case you decide he is not for you (again read a variety of MN posts).

I know men like this, for some reason the women in a single dad's life want to fall over themselves to do his parenting for him and then he is held up as a hero for being an amazing dad. If I'm honest I think sometimes women without their own children want to have a go of it for fun or like in this case create the illusion that their relationship with the dad is more established than it is.

I used to feel so upset when my child's dad made my child a group project, it doesn't really take a village.

KurtWilde · 08/01/2022 21:06

Personally I think I'd pass message on to partner to respond and not get involved.

Just like OP shouldn't have gotten involved in dressing her boyfriend of 8 weeks** child.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/01/2022 21:07

@Echobelly

There's so very OTT remarks on here.

The OP was clearly trying to be helpful, didn't realise it could be seen as an overstep because I'm not sure that would occur to you if you didn't have kids. It probably wouldn't occur to me before I had kids.

For people saying things like 'MASSIVE safeguarding' issue - OK, two months isn't long for a relationship overall but the OP is hardly a random stranger to her partner at this point. It's probably long enough to know someone is trustworthy and the chance of a woman being a threat to a child is vanishingly small.

Personally I think I'd pass message on to partner to respond and not get involved.

This. Some of the responses on here are crazy! When I was 20 I used to look after my boyfriend of about 2 months housemates kid. The morning I met him was the first time I looked after him, while they both went to play Sunday football for the pub team. It's only now I realise what a dick the dad was for doing that.
Tubs11 · 08/01/2022 21:10

Put yourself in the shoes of the child!
Can you imagine how confusing and scary this is for her, not to mention the long term implications this could have on her
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stay away from this child or any other child
of a partner you are dating until you are in a long term committed relationship

TyrannosaurusRegina · 08/01/2022 21:10

What?? You shouldn't have met the daughter already, you've been seeing this guy, what, 2 months? And if course he doesn't know what the stress was that he caused her 🙄

Deadringer · 08/01/2022 21:12

Wow. Yabvvvvvu and your boyfriend even more so.

Wanttobehappy123 · 08/01/2022 21:12

I feel so so sorry for this little girl. How confusing it must have been for her, this stranger dressing her and taking her to school. When I think of all the children who have been murdered and seriously injured by new partners who enters into a child’s life it makes me so so sad. While I am not suggesting for one second that the OP would not show anything but patience and kindness to this girl I feel sorry for the confusion she must feel and for the little protection her father has shown and little regards for her safety. I am glad her mam is speaking up for her. He sounds like a complete selfish dick wad

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2022 21:12

Ok, you've had your arse handed you on a platter so I won't add to that.

Don't show him the message, don't tell him how offensive some of her language was. Just say you deleted it. And calmly say you agree with her, it was too soon.Then back WAY off with anything to do with this man's DD and let him know that you have decided that it's better for DD if you are not around when she is with her dad, at least not for the foreseeable future.

See what happens. If he respects your decision and if he doesn't slag off the ex as being a 'crazy bitch' or words to that effect, then fine. But if he tries to drag you into his DD's life, especially if it has to do with making HIS life easier when DD is there, then you need to run a mile. Same if he starts vilifying his ex. Maybe she's a bitch, maybe she was just an upset mother who let her anger run away with her. But he should be able to deal with her and not slag her off to other people. If he'd talk about her that way to you, he'll talk about you the same way if things don't work out.

Alfredsothermistress · 08/01/2022 21:14

@KurtWilde

Personally I think I'd pass message on to partner to respond and not get involved.

Just like OP shouldn't have gotten involved in dressing her boyfriend of 8 weeks** child.

You seem far too eager to put all of this on the OP.

You are wrong.

The fault of this lies with the father. Direct your venom towards him.

Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2022 21:15

Why are so many people assuming the OP is Myra Hindley?

Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 21:17

The problem is with the bloke that op is seeing. No boundaries whatsoever. Feel sorry for his daughter.

3scape · 08/01/2022 21:18

Definitely the suggestion of responding by telling this woman you don't know her and asking her to never contact you again. Even if you and your partner are together for the long term I'd completely disengage from this ex. She's come in with a heap of accusations and insinuations rather than speaking with the person who is responsible, or even establish what actually happened. She's trying to provoke a response rather than actually change things for her child. There's no way I'd engage with anyone like that.

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