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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 20:43

@Tevion28 are you the op?

Completely inappropriate for the op to be left in charge of her new boyfriend’s 3yo

Lostmyway86 · 08/01/2022 20:44

@livelovebehappy and clearly with a name like that you've never been a stepparent! How are our situations a mile apart? I was in her shoes once. Had every single kind thing I did torn to pieces just like this. Later down the line the mothers then more than happy to palm their kids of to stepparents at every opportunity despite burning all bridges at the beginning. Why can't we just be positive about another caring adult being in a child's life. Clearly OP was coming from a good place here. She's been torn to pieces. None of this is her fault one jot. Blame the father. And the mothers tone of message hardly shows her in the best light.

Tevion28 · 08/01/2022 20:45

I wouldn't have taken her to nursery on my own but may have helped out dad in his presence by helping the little one to dress but maybe I'm naive.

00100001 · 08/01/2022 20:47

@Tevion28

Maybe dad was busy so just let op help out on that occasion we don't know the fella to be able to judge his character properly he could be a better parent than his bitchy ex
What would he have done if OP wasn't there?

Fucking got on with it, thats what.

But instead he allowed his child to bre dressed by stranger,and taken to nursery by the same stranger.

2Hot2Handle · 08/01/2022 20:47

The message from your BF’s ex was unnecessarily nasty and should not have been sent to you. Clearly she had a right to be angry and get involved with the situation, but should not have directed it at you, rather than the father of her child.

This relationship is only 2 months in. The BF is not demonstrating that he is a good parent by introducing you so early, not including his ex and having someone he barely knows take a crucial parenting role in looking after his daughter, without a good enough reason. He should have arranged his schedule appropriately, without needing your help. Imagine what kind of dad he’d be should you have children together, if he thinks it’s acceptable to lead his daughter with you after a few weeks of knowing you. Imagine if he did that to your child, without your knowledge.

If I were you, I’d be ending the relationship. If your BF and his ex are both behaving badly already, imagine the drama, pain and suffering coming your way. End things now and find a healthier relationship that you can throw your heart and soul into.

Lostmyway86 · 08/01/2022 20:48

Except she's not a bloody stranger is she!!! God MN you are so dramatic.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 08/01/2022 20:48

The childs mothers nearly always do raise it with their exes, the ex is normally an arsehole about it, that then annoys the mother who responds angrily to his awful dismissive, dickish attitude, the father then uses that as proof the ex is crazy, the new girlfriend believes it and ignores all of her boyfriends part in it!

This ^^

Have fun but don’t become default childcare. I would do as she suggests turn up after bedtime, leave early. I have read lots of threads on here about women who are now doing everything for their boyfriends kids because he won’t rearrange his work (like many separated women have to). Instead mum/sister/new girlfriend/Mary next door becomes the childcare provider.

Also 2 months isn’t very long and you don’t want to feel too committed to her in case you decide he is not for you (again read a variety of MN posts).

HopefulRose · 08/01/2022 20:49

@mothtoflutter I don’t think you are being unreasonable. This is an issue she needs to take up with the father of her child. They need to come up with boundaries and ground rules about what is appropriate as co-parents.

It is questionable that he hasn’t done this already or at least make any effort to alleviate any legitimate concerns she might have as mother about who he is exposing his daughter to. He’s at fault here, not you and not her.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 08/01/2022 20:50

I do think you did it for all the right reasons btw.

poppydisc · 08/01/2022 20:50

OP this probably all sounds double dutch to you because you don't have dc. Divorce is very tough on children, meeting multiple partners is very confusing nd unsettling and distressing and the advice is only introduce a new partner after AT LEAST six months - and that is just introducing, not personal care. I am not surprised the mother is vey upset and angry, and your boyfriend's lack of awareness and care is pretty bad. Probably best thing to do is google how to best handle divorce with very young children so you have some idea, even if your other half doesn't, and apologise to mother and say it won't happen again

Livelovebehappy · 08/01/2022 20:50

[quote Lostmyway86]@livelovebehappy and clearly with a name like that you've never been a stepparent! How are our situations a mile apart? I was in her shoes once. Had every single kind thing I did torn to pieces just like this. Later down the line the mothers then more than happy to palm their kids of to stepparents at every opportunity despite burning all bridges at the beginning. Why can't we just be positive about another caring adult being in a child's life. Clearly OP was coming from a good place here. She's been torn to pieces. None of this is her fault one jot. Blame the father. And the mothers tone of message hardly shows her in the best light. [/quote]
Because she has been in her dp’s life two months. And you’ve been in your dp’s life a hell of a lot longer. There’s just no comparison. You’ve clearly got a lot of step parenting experience which might be helpful to share with the OP for her going forward if the relationship progresses, but it’s just not helpful to try and compare your current situation with her’’s.

LadyPropane · 08/01/2022 20:51

I would be very angry with some random person dressing my 3 yr old child. That's wildly inappropriate.

And yes, you shouldn't be doing nursery drop off, that's ridiculous.

But really I think her anger should be directed at her ex, not you. Her ex is obviously a waste of space if he's happy to shift parenting duties onto a woman he barely knows. He should be concerned about a stranger dressing his daughter. It worries me that he's happy for you to step in and play mum when he barely knows you.

This whole situation is weird.

cherish123 · 08/01/2022 20:52

I would ignore the message and block the message. She shouldn't have messaged you. She should have spoken to the father.

Speak to your boyfriend and get him to deal with it. It might put me off going out with him.

If I was the mum, I would be annoyed but would never message someone seeing my child's father who I hadn't met.

You are probably best not staying over when his daughter is.

For people who say boyfriend not partner, they are just the same thing. Partner is just a pretentious word for boyfriend.

lightisnotwhite · 08/01/2022 20:52

I can’t believe people are still saying the Ex should have raised this with the dad,.. SHE HAS!
Clearly, it say so it in message she left Op.

The Op hasn’t even had met the mum herself. Why she feels it appropriate to do anything with her child is baffling. Op is in a new relationship with the dad. See where that goes first before involving a 3 year child in it.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/01/2022 20:52

@bg21

agree with the mum you need to back the fuck off ! I would have sent a much stronger message tbh
To the girlfriend?! Why? It's the dp that needs the talking to
Lolabray · 08/01/2022 20:52

@SleepingStandingUp maybe so but what happened to being kind?? I’m not meaning this at you but some of the posts on here seem quite harsh, I always think what if. X

HopefulRose · 08/01/2022 20:52

@mothtoflutter also please don’t fall into the predictable trap of hating his ex partner and being blind to any of your boyfriend’s shortcomings. Her child will be the most precious thing in her world and it must be alarming for any separated parent to learn about the involvement of someone else so early on. Try seeing it from her perspective and if you care about sticking around, urge him and his ex to sit down and talk things through to make all your lives easier.

Darbs76 · 08/01/2022 20:53

Her message is a bit rude but it is way too early to be around his daughter, let alone dressing her and taking her to nursery. You need to step right back, and do as she has suggested and go round when daughter is in bed or with her mum. 6 months is a much more appropriate timeframe to be meeting his daughter.

Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 20:54

Haven't read the whole thread, but meeting his daughter after 2 months is ridiculous. Step right back. You're not even dad's gf yet. You're just someone dad is seeing. Totally inappropriate.

SalvorHardin · 08/01/2022 20:54

[quote Lostmyway86]@livelovebehappy and clearly with a name like that you've never been a stepparent! How are our situations a mile apart? I was in her shoes once. Had every single kind thing I did torn to pieces just like this. Later down the line the mothers then more than happy to palm their kids of to stepparents at every opportunity despite burning all bridges at the beginning. Why can't we just be positive about another caring adult being in a child's life. Clearly OP was coming from a good place here. She's been torn to pieces. None of this is her fault one jot. Blame the father. And the mothers tone of message hardly shows her in the best light. [/quote]

She's not a step-parent, she's barely a girlfriend!

Jesus, your kids are going to be very messed up if you give step-parent titles and responsibilities to every short term shag your ever have.

Cas112 · 08/01/2022 20:54

2 months is nothing, I agree. You shouldn't be around daughter or dressing her

LalalalalalaLand123 · 08/01/2022 20:56

2 months is not a "partner" or a relationship, and certainly NOWHERE NEAR enough for you to even meet his DD - let alone dress her and take her places. Disgraceful on your and part and the child's father's part. Back off.

Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 20:57

Her message was mildly polite to you, me.. I wouldn't be quite so polite.

lynntheyresexswappers · 08/01/2022 20:57

You shouldn't be anywhere near this child, let alone dressing her and taking her to school.
It's been 2 months, and you met her a few weeks ago, so you met her after what? 2/3 weeks?
Absolutely shocking parenting from your "dp" who, let's face it, is a relative stranger at this point.
If I found out my ex had left my toddler alone with a stranger, I wouldn't let him have my child alone until he could prove he has any common sense whatsoever.

Andy2555 · 08/01/2022 20:57

A lot of the comments on here are spot on, all I can say is I wouldn’t reply I would talk to your bf about the message and try sort it out like adults and discuss the fact that he should be looking after his child and not you op, maybe consider apologising for overstepping but I do think you had good intentions just now well thought out

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