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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 08/01/2022 20:26

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off

WTF?

Never mind the girl's mother.
You've been dating this guy for 2 months, & already he's got you lined up for default childcare?

Your best response to the mother would have been NONE.
Bit late for that, so just block her now.
There is no need for you to spend even a minute thinking about her.

As to your b/f - why is he not dressing his own child & taking her to school himself? Please don't offer up excuses - what would he have fdone if you hadn't stayed over?

It is far, far, too soon for you to be engaged with his DD like this.
Her mother, badly as she delivered the message, is not wrong.
However, you don't need to concern yourself with that, or respond to any more goading/aggression.

Take a HUGE step back from this man's DD - & watch him carefully.
His judgement is seriously askew, letting a new date look after his DD while he ... what? Shirks responsibility for her?

Quietstreets · 08/01/2022 20:26

What everyone else has said. Presumably the mum spoke to you as she already knows her ex is a feckless, useless waste of space and she's hoping you will have more sense and back off regarding her daughter.

He is utterly wrong to have introduced you to his daughter and you are utterly wrong to be getting involved with his daughter too.

You need to take this as a wake up call that you are dating a useless loser who can't even prioritise his own child, so you don't have much of a hope of him being respectful and decent partner to you either.

mrsbitaly · 08/01/2022 20:28

You clearly meant well and it's nice of you to want to help and be involved. As many many others have said it's really wrong that you have been introduced so early into the relationship. If it doesn't work out that's another person that child has bonded with that will leave their life and that would have an impact on you too.

Just go at the moment when the child isn't there get a better feel for your relationship it's early days where everything may feel perfect and serious but feelings can change and it shouldn't impact an innocent child.

I would just say to the ex you respect her feelings and that you apologise for overstepping the mark. you really don't want your relationship with his ex starting off on a bad foot

ChargingBuck · 08/01/2022 20:28

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I expect she is "the crazy ex-girlfriend."

If neither of you have cottoned on to how totally inappropriate it is for his latest squeeze to be acting in loco parentis, or how stressful this must be for the mother, you need to have a good look at yourselves.

Isthatthebestyoucando · 08/01/2022 20:30

The childs mothers nearly always do raise it with their exes, the ex is normally an arsehole about it, that then annoys the mother who responds angrily to his awful dismissive, dickish attitude, the father then uses that as proof the ex is crazy, the new girlfriend believes it and ignores all of her boyfriends part in it!

This X a million

Lifeisbeautiful01 · 08/01/2022 20:31

Sorry, I totally agree with her. She does sound aggressive but this is her child and you don’t even know the child’s Dad yet, let alone her. I’d be backing right off if I were you- it says a lot about the kind of person he is if he’s happy for you to be this involved so early in.

Livelovebehappy · 08/01/2022 20:31

@Lostmyway86

The message is aggressive and nasty. It should not be aimed at you it should be aimed at the dad, if anyone. I am a stepmum and mum. Yes, I would be upset if someone I didn't know had taken my child to nursery. However, having been a stepmother I totally understand how difficult it is and how you were just doing something nice and therefore I would never ever direct my anger at you. Plus, when you separate you need to understand other people will be in your child's life that you won't get to vet and meet. She sounds very immature, the point about shagging was just totally pathetic and bitter. OP unless you are really into this guy take long think about whether you want to do this. I've been stepmum for 6 years (yes we're married now with DC so apparently according to all the first wives on MN I'm allowed to be called a stepmum now) and its been utter hell. You can't do right for wrong. I offered to meet SDs mum before I met them and she declined and has been nasty, manipulative and bitter ever since. If I did too much I was overstepping the mark, if I didn't do enough I was the evil stepmother. My mental health has taken a battering and in hindsight I'd never do it again. Take care of yourself. You are 100% not being unreasonable. The mother is. She should have directed her anger at the father. I would 100% ignore her and let your partner deal with it. Message me directly and I'll give you the name of a much more supportive forum for women in your situation if you would like it.
Projecting much? Clearly your situation and the OPs are a million miles apart. You have a lot of anger, and I can’t help but feel sorry for your dsc if you display even a fraction of the bitterness you express here when with them.
Itsokay2020 · 08/01/2022 20:33

OP, I mean this kindly, but please be careful... the very fact that your new partner is willing to allow you to play ‘mum’ to his daughter should be setting off alarm bells: set boundaries so he gets to know you, falls for you, rather than you making life easier for him by picking up the maternal element to the new life he finds himself living! The mother of his daughter is right to have concerns, but this is more of a reflection on him than you, remember that

PaperMonster · 08/01/2022 20:33

I would be very unhappy about an unknown woman dressing my child and taking her to childcare. Really isn’t on at all.

Tevion28 · 08/01/2022 20:34

She lost any respect with me over the snagging comment doesn't exactly sound like a top rate parent herself.

user1470132907 · 08/01/2022 20:34

Is this a reverse? Her mum shouldn’t need to say it. 8 weeks is barely even a boyfriend. Why on Earth are you meeting his kid already? And I would be tearing my hair out if someone screwed up something as basic as dressing my kid with clothes on the right way.

You sound self absorbed and immature. Kids rely on adults to protect them. You’re more bothered about your hurt feelings than the impact of all this on a tiny kid.

GettingItOutThere · 08/01/2022 20:34

jesus christ YOU are bang out of order.

i actually feel sorry for the poor mother, she must be heartbroken - i would be!

2 months is no time at all, if you had said 12 months it would be acceptable

so after a few weeks of knowing her, you get he dressed and take her nursery because your boyfriend had to work?

take note op, you will become his skivvy - no decent man introduces anyone that quickto their child!!

Lovemusic33 · 08/01/2022 20:35

I can see why she’s pissed off but she should be pissed off with him not you. I do think 2 months is way too soon to meet his dd, I wouldn’t introduce someone to my dc for 6-12 months when I knew the relationship was serious. Your dp should be getting his dd ready for nursery not you.

Tevion28 · 08/01/2022 20:36

Maybe dad was busy so just let op help out on that occasion we don't know the fella to be able to judge his character properly he could be a better parent than his bitchy ex

FlasherMcGruff · 08/01/2022 20:36

If someone my ex had know for two months was staying over with him and my three year old, dressing her and taking her to school, I’d also hit the roof. You do not rush these things with very small children. It’s massively selfish and irresponsible of him and you’re naive for thinking that her mum won’t be massively concerned about the effect on her daughter, particularly given the references to him shagging around and taking drugs.

Isthatthebestyoucando · 08/01/2022 20:37

@Tevion28

She lost any respect with me over the snagging comment doesn't exactly sound like a top rate parent herself.
Do parents not say shagging then?
maddiemookins16mum · 08/01/2022 20:37

YABU, so he’s already got his new gf running around after his wain. Poor kid.

ElenaCouch · 08/01/2022 20:38

You call a man you've been dating for 8 weeks your partner?. Confused are you in a rush to seem all grown up and in a "sophisticated" relationship?

He's a shit dad. If you have kids with this man, he will let strangers dress them without your knowledge. So... Have a think.

Tevion28 · 08/01/2022 20:39

She sounds like a argumentative so and so

Fraternaltwin · 08/01/2022 20:40

Her approach may have been abrasive but her point was spot on. Two months is far too early for you to be meeting his daughter, and I’m astounded you’ve dressed her and taken her to nursery. And you topped it off by letting her spend the day in back to front jeans, which can’t have been comfortable for her.

I’d be furious if I were the girl’s mother. As for your shiny new partner, he’s showing you already that he’s just looking for a childminder. Any father that is happy for his new squeeze to take over care of his child is lazy and useless.

sqirrelfriends · 08/01/2022 20:41

Put yourself in the mums shoes, would you be overjoyed with the situation?

MoonlightFancy · 08/01/2022 20:41

Argumentative? A stranger dressed her child and drove her to nursery. She should have blasted her ex on text but her anger is fair.

IDidntFloatUpTheLaganInABubble · 08/01/2022 20:42

I didn't meet DH's DC until well after 6 months of dating by which time we knew it was serious. I didn't see him when we had them before that. We didn't want to do anything that might confuse or upset them further down the line.

You got this massively wrong and totally overstepped. Your partner should have never allowed it

Lilymossflower · 08/01/2022 20:43

I think her message speaks volumes about your 'partner' tbh. This is a women being (rightfully!) Protective over her child, however, it would do you the world of good I think, to read it as a warning about what the fuck this guy is on, what bullshit he has been telling you, and what shit has really gone down because of him. Just my honest opinion

Forensicpsych · 08/01/2022 20:43

Do you really think this is how healthy, functional relationships with people with children work?

You should not be meeting the child for months yet, let alone dressing her and taking her to nursery!