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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
tittlertattler · 08/01/2022 19:42

Totally with the mum here

If I was the mum I'd be stopping overnight contact, no way should you have met the child yet. Absolutely useless dad putting his needs/happiness before his child's welfare.

(I've been the mum and dc didn't meet dads gf's until at least 6 months in to the relationship)

1FootInTheRave · 08/01/2022 19:43

She is absolutely right!

At least someone is thinking of this kids welfare, cos neither you nor your bf are.

StellaGibson118 · 08/01/2022 19:44

This could have all been avoided if you went round when his daughter wasnt there or was asleep like she suggested. I wouldn't want to meet anyones child until I knew I was serious. Kids are vulnerable and I wouldn't want mine hurt if you suddenly disappeared. The fact he has not considered this himself is a concern. As is him not dressing his child or taking them to nursery. I'd find this all very strange.

There's not much she can do about it really (other than say what she has) as it's up to him when he introduces girlfriends, but she may withhold contact from him if shes that way inclined.

Herewegoagain84 · 08/01/2022 19:44

Also sounds like he’s using you for childcare - he can’t just go to work on his contact day and leave his daughter with a perfect stranger - but it was convenient for him. He’s a shit Dad.

KevinTheKoala · 08/01/2022 19:45

I don't think it needed to be said quite so agressively or nastily to you but it is far too early to be meeting a young child, let alone dressing them and taking them to nursery. This really shouldn't have happened.

Goodbyemylover · 08/01/2022 19:45

Too many replies to scroll through. The mother should have messaged HIM not YOU! You did what you had to do to get the kid to school. It pissed mum off, but it's his fault not yours. Don't help in future, you'll not be thanked

StellaGibson118 · 08/01/2022 19:47

@Goodbyemylover

Too many replies to scroll through. The mother should have messaged HIM not YOU! You did what you had to do to get the kid to school. It pissed mum off, but it's his fault not yours. Don't help in future, you'll not be thanked
She has, it says it in the OP
ilssagain · 08/01/2022 19:48

The tone is aggressive and the complaints should have been addressed to him and not you but she's right.
It's far too early in the relationship for you to be meeting her let alone dressing her and taking her to nursery.

What the fuck was he doing while you were dressing his child? It's his responsibility to care for her and to make sure she is correctly dressed for nursery and his responsibility to get her there on time.
I'm not surprised her Mum is furious.

And take this as a warning for the future - this is how it's going to be....
He gets a shag etc and you care for HIS child while he swans off to work. Lazy useless piece of shit that he is.

Mumontour85 · 08/01/2022 19:49

Hmmmm how did you meet the daughter a few weeks ago, but only start seeing the guy a few weeks ago?!

The message from the ex was maybe a little aggressive, but not unfair or out of line.

Why did you or your 'new' boyfriend think it was remotely OK for you to do the nursery run etc.?? It wasn't. It was super inappropriate for you to be that involved in daughters life and world and honestly, mum had every right to call you and your man out on it. I will say that she should be taking it up with the man and not you. How did she even get your info??

I'm tempted to assume your man gave it to her because he knew exactly how lazy and troublesome he was being in letting you get so involved and then didn't want the fallout so made you deal with it.

If I were you I'd have a think about the guy you're with, have a long look in the mirror and send a damn sincere apology to the ex.

Livelovebehappy · 08/01/2022 19:51

You say you’re the first gf of your partner since his split, but who knows if he’s being truthful? Maybe you’re at the end of a long line if girlfriends, and she is rightfully pissed off at yet another one being introduced to her dd.

BessieFinknottle · 08/01/2022 19:51

Imagine having a child OP, and learning that a complete stranger to you had dressed her and then had her alone in a car...

I know you're young and probably just didn't think, but you need to, from now on. Your DP shouldn't have allowed this to happen AT ALL. He is showing you who he is and he doesn't look good.

Newmum110 · 08/01/2022 19:51

I would react the exact same as this mother and I honestly think you should know better than getting involved with a child like this. You are a stranger.

Goodbyemylover · 08/01/2022 19:51

Fair enough. Still don't think the mum should've messaged the girlfriend...she was put on the spot and now reaping the results!

SalvorHardin · 08/01/2022 19:53

Agree with everyone else - far too much, far far too soon. What were you thinking?

And more importantly what the fuck was he thinking? That's his daughter that he has left with some woman he barely knows. That's incredibly poor judgement and diabolical parenting.

I'd be dumping him pronto and rethinking your own boundaries if you are going to date men that are also supposed to be parents.

thepastisanothercountry · 08/01/2022 19:53

YABU. You should not have met his daughter until you were both sure its going to be a seroius long term relationship. You met her a few weeks ago and you've been together only 2 months now... far too soon.

This is not about you or your very new DP but about not confusing his dd who has already been through enough loss and confusion in her short life.

I think her mum has got a point and I'd be really unhappy if I was her. Too much too soon OP.

5128gap · 08/01/2022 19:54

@newnamenewyear

Her delivery was off, and as others have said. But, she should have taken it up with her ex, not you - you're not a parent, and you're young, how are you supposed to know what's normal here?!

Asking here was a good idea though, now you know.

The thing is, it's not great even if you got on with the little girl. If your DP is going to introduce women to his DD when he's only been seeing them for a matter of weeks, then he's risking heartbreak for his DD.

Imagine if you did become a regular feature in his DD's life, taking her to school and having fun with her. Then about 6 months in, you realise this relationship isn't for you as your DP turns out to be a dick. Then the girl may be sad when you leave and not understand where you've gone.

Now imagine that happens to her every 6 months or so? That has the potential to really mess a child up, doesn't it?

Then there's also the risk that he doesn't really know you well, does he? I mean, YOU know you're not a mad axe murderer, but he doesn't, and his ex who's never met you certainly doesn't.

Lastly, be very wary of a man who wants you to get involved in looking after his DC. You risk finding yourself wasting your 20s being used as a live in nanny for free, then realising you've been used but finding it hard to leave because by this point you're close to the kid, even though you now realise you were been made a step mum far too fast and without thinking it through.

Be very wary, I would!

Excellent post. Kind and measured. You get the message across in a way all the dramatic and accusatory posts don't, as they will just alienate the OP.
bottim189 · 08/01/2022 19:55

@Lostmyway86

The message is aggressive and nasty. It should not be aimed at you it should be aimed at the dad, if anyone. I am a stepmum and mum. Yes, I would be upset if someone I didn't know had taken my child to nursery. However, having been a stepmother I totally understand how difficult it is and how you were just doing something nice and therefore I would never ever direct my anger at you. Plus, when you separate you need to understand other people will be in your child's life that you won't get to vet and meet. She sounds very immature, the point about shagging was just totally pathetic and bitter. OP unless you are really into this guy take long think about whether you want to do this. I've been stepmum for 6 years (yes we're married now with DC so apparently according to all the first wives on MN I'm allowed to be called a stepmum now) and its been utter hell. You can't do right for wrong. I offered to meet SDs mum before I met them and she declined and has been nasty, manipulative and bitter ever since. If I did too much I was overstepping the mark, if I didn't do enough I was the evil stepmother. My mental health has taken a battering and in hindsight I'd never do it again. Take care of yourself. You are 100% not being unreasonable. The mother is. She should have directed her anger at the father. I would 100% ignore her and let your partner deal with it. Message me directly and I'll give you the name of a much more supportive forum for women in your situation if you would like it.
Rolling my eyes hard at this comment.
Abcdefgottago · 08/01/2022 19:56

Turn it the other way round - imagine a woman meeting a man, 8 weeks in this man is dressing her daughter and dropping her places alone/unsupervised. I'd say that was extremely neglectful and dangerous, you barely know someone after 2 months. Take a big step back. This man is not putting his daughters needs or safety first.

Nowayoutonlydown · 08/01/2022 19:56

Thinking about this again. I just want to say, I can understand how in your position you think that you were being helpful. It seems natural to help out when someone you care about will struggle because of time constraints, at 24 I'd have felt similar.
This viewpoint so early into the relationship leaves both you and hie child in a vulnerable position.

You barely know this man, it's a very new relationship, and you do not know this child, at this point you need to have a much much less involved position in this child's life until you've been with her father for much longer, and you've made a relationship with her.

If you were a man- the mother's new partner for example, and he had dressed your boyfriends DD and taken her to nursery within weeks of meeting her, you would be outraged, and so would her father.

If you were to have a child with this man, I think you'd also be upset at your boyfriends irresponsible decision making.

Please step back where his child is concerned, maybe reply to the ex, say you're stepping back because you realise boundaries have been crossed but you were trying to help. In a month or two maybe the two of you could meet as you appreciate that she doesn't want strangers around her daughter and you will definitely leave the parenting duties like dressing their DD and taking her to nursery to her father.

Ginger1982 · 08/01/2022 19:56

Yeah you shouldn't be meeting his DD so early on, let alone staying over and taking her to nursery. Either sack your boyfriend off or set some much more serious boundaries.

WonderfulYou · 08/01/2022 19:56

NRTFT but hopefully the majority agrees that it’s not ok to have been with your boyfriend for 8 weeks and met his child a few weeks ago.

I think that’s disgusting, you are still getting to know each other so you must have barely known each other when you met his daughter.
I actually can’t believe a stranger helped her to get dressed and took her to school.

It sounds like his last girlfriend did the same.

Why are you going around when his daughter is there?

You are of course in the wrong here but your ‘partner’ is more to blame.
It sounds like he can’t be arsed looking after his own child so he gets whatever girl he’s shagging to do it.

I would seriously be reconsidering this relationship!

ChippyDucks150 · 08/01/2022 19:58

Sorry, but I'm with the mum here.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 08/01/2022 20:00

Her dad didn’t even check that his dd was dressed ok?! No wonder his ex is pissed off, he’s an utter dickhead.

I used to babysit my nieces when I was 12 and I wouldn’t have let them out of the house with jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet.

It’s really worrying when a 12 yo is more intelligent. You both have potential to be neglectful and I can see why the ex is worried.

DdraigGoch · 08/01/2022 20:00

You shouldn't really be even meeting a new partner's kids until you've been together at least a year, let alone having sole charge of them.

WonderfulYou · 08/01/2022 20:01

Turn it the other way round - imagine a woman meeting a man, 8 weeks in this man is dressing her daughter and dropping her places alone/unsupervised. I'd say that was extremely neglectful and dangerous, you barely know someone after 2 months. Take a big step back. This man is not putting his daughters needs or safety first.

I agree!

I can’t ever imagine leaving a man I barely know get my DD changed and take her to school whilst I was at work.
OP met her a few weeks ago too so God knows how quickly he left them alone.

Fortunately OP sounds pretty decent (if not slightly naive to not spot red flags and go along with it) but the next time he may not be so lucky. It sounds like she’s not the first.

If I was her other parent I would absolutely be stopping unsupervised contact as I do not think this man is doing enough to keep his child safe.