To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

[mothtoflutter]

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking )

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

I don’t agree with her approach but I agree with her!

In general Mumsnet hates the new female partners of exes.

I think if the child's mother is concerned about whether or not her ex is taking proper responsibility for childcare, then she should raise it with the ex. There's a sense in which by contacting the OP she is acknowledging that a third person does now, potentially have a part to play.

And it's very had to say without knowing all the people involved quite how things will pan out.

The Mumsnet opinion is that a Dad's new partner should stay firmly in the cupboard for about a year. But I think there are arguments on both sides. I was introduced to my stepchildren at quite an early stage - I reckon this was a sort of test and if I hadn't responded positively to them (and vice versa)- then the relationship with their Dad would not have lasted. We've been together for 27 years and it's gone pretty well by and large.

Which is not to say that the OP and her bloke will necessarily wish to do likewise.

It's a very nasty message. However, it would be better for you not to dress the child or take her to nursery, etc., until you and your partner have been together for a bit longer.

I would be absolutely livid if my husband and I had split and he had some woman I know nothing about, who's been on the scene all of five minutes, dressing my child and dropping her at nursery. My ire however would be aimed squarely at the father who thinks that this was in anyway acceptable. You are a stranger. You aren't his partner, you're his very new girlfriend, he barely knows you and he's buggering off and leaving you responsible for his 3 year old? Absolutely not. She has every right to be annoyed and whilst I don't think it's necessarily right that she's had a go at you, I can see where she's coming from.

You're 24, you're 2 months in with this fella and he's already got you babysitting? Is this what you want OP?

I’d step right back op, the mother has every right to be annoyed you overstepped and your ‘partner’ should have waited to introduce you to his child.

The mother is not ridiculous or aggressive but probably just absolutely livid, she doesn’t know you, hadn’t heard you existed then you’re taking her child to nursery alone? I think I’d have gone mental too. Put yourself in her shoes op. You don’t have kids yet, once you do you’ll totally understand how she must have felt.

@Lolabray

To be fair on the poster. Perhaps she is trying to help. And I’ve been in those shoes and am a step mum so please don’t berate the lady it is clearly the guy that needs to deal with this !

This lady is also a grown up who should know better than offering / asking / agreeing to be alone with an undressed child / taking her out the house when she's a virtual stranger.

I wouldn’t reply. You were just being helpful probably but she is furious with you isn’t she. It’s best to let him look after his own child See how it goes. To be honest do you want to be lumbered with the care of a child who isn’t yours at this early stage anyway

You and your boyfriend are in the wrong.

Imagine if you had a child with this man and you split and then after a few short weeks he introduces them to another woman and she's bringing her to nursery and dressing her.. playing step mummy. You would feel the exact same as this woman does...especially when she tried to address it with your boyfriend and he obviously didn't take it on board and was probably a shit to her over it...which is why she then sent you that message in that tone. Take the blinkers off.

No doubt your boyfriend would hit the roof if the mum had a new boyfriend playing step daddy so early too.

So much immaturity in your post, he's not your partner, he's a boyfriend...many people split up at the 4 month mark and you haven't even got past that milestone yet.
And the fact that you think she was ridiculous and you were fuming shows a total lack of maturity too.
There's a child involved here so you can't really afford to be naive here and need to think in future carefully about what's appropriate or not.

Awful. You've known him 5 minutes. The mother is right.

Do you think your boyfriend would be happy if the roles were reversed and the mothers new boyfriend did this after only 2 months? Doubt he’d be impressed.

I don’t think it was particularly aggressive. I would have sent a lot worse.

Absolutely agree with her . But she probably should have had a go at her ex rather than you .

I'm sorry, but just like many will have said, 2 months in, you shouldn't have even met this child, let alone be dressing her and taking her to nursery.
I'd also be concerned about the comment about him being up all night and drinking or taking whatever- this would make me concerned about who he really is, and the habits he keeps.

Doesn't read like a very responsible man to me.

She should have text him instead of you but maybe she's at her wits end. She is right I'm afraid - you dressing her and taking her to nursery when you've only been with him 2 months is pretty bad, I would be furious if it were my daughter. You should be visitng when she's asleep and leaving before she wakes up. In fairness to you, though, this is for your boyfriend to establish and sort out.

She has been politer to you than I might have been in those circumstances. You should not have met his daughter yet, should not have stayed over while she is there and should not be dressing her. He is not your DP. He is an acquaintance you barely know.

@JennieLee

In general Mumsnet hates the new female partners of exes.

I think if the child's mother is concerned about whether or not her ex is taking proper responsibility for childcare, then she should raise it with the ex. There's a sense in which by contacting the OP she is acknowledging that a third person does now, potentially have a part to play.

And it's very had to say without knowing all the people involved quite how things will pan out.

The Mumsnet opinion is that a Dad's new partner should stay firmly in the cupboard for about a year. But I think there are arguments on both sides. I was introduced to my stepchildren at quite an early stage - I reckon this was a sort of test and if I hadn't responded positively to them (and vice versa)- then the relationship with their Dad would not have lasted. We've been together for 27 years and it's gone pretty well by and large.

Which is not to say that the OP and her bloke will necessarily wish to do likewise.

She's not his partner.

The childs mothers nearly always do raise it with their exes, the ex is normally an arsehole about it, that then annoys the mother who responds angrily to his awful dismissive, dickish attitude, the father then uses that as proof the ex is crazy, the new girlfriend believes it and ignores all of her boyfriends part in it!

If the men in these situations actually behaved reasonable and respectfully then most of the time there would be no issues between the women!

SIBU she should be sending that to your dp, not you. Does she have your number or was this on Facebook?

YABU to be doing this so early on. Poor child.
Why are you getting involved in this?

2 months?! Why are you calling a man you don't even know your partner and why are you seeing his child at all?

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago

So within 5 weeks of dating you met his child?? What is wrong with you?

I get you, when I was in my 20s I went out with a man who had a 3 year old (when we met) and I wouldn't have thought anything about dressing her, taking her places etc...I'd have just thought I was helping out.

I'm 37 now and I've had my own kids and I'd go insane if I was in your boyfriend's ex's shoes. You have to realise that she doesn't want people coming in and out of her life and she doesn't know you, she just trusts your boyfriend to help take care of her. It must be terrifying to hear someone you don't know is taking her places.

Tread lightly and you're so young, if I could tellyself at that age I'd say run from a man with young kids.

Your new boyfriend is a shit Dad. He shouldn’t be having his new girlfriend (you) sleeping over on one of his contact days with his daughter so soon. I’m not surprised mum is furious

I understand how that message would come across as aggressive to you, and that you were just doing your best. The best thing for you to do however is to not answer.

She wrote in a state of feeling very upset, and very angry - and I don’t blame her even though this was not directly your fault.

Two months into a relationship is no time at all and so it is extraordinarily unkind to bring a three year old into it. This is something her father should have known.

The fact that he had you there over night when his tiny daughter was there in an unestablished relationship then gave you, a stranger, responsibility for dressing her and taking her to nursery is a massive red flag in my opinion. I think you should leave him.

I would be pretty furious if my ex’s girlfriend of a few weeks was dressing my child and taking her to nursery. You shouldn’t be introduced to her let alone having any active role until you are in a serious and committed relationship (and no, you can’t tell that it’s serious at this point). YABVU - the child’s mother is not ridiculous or aggressive, but entirely within her rights.

Her delivery was off, and as others have said. But, she should have taken it up with her ex, not you - you're not a parent, and you're young, how are you supposed to know what's normal here?!

Asking here was a good idea though, now you know.

The thing is, it's not great even if you got on with the little girl. If your DP is going to introduce women to his DD when he's only been seeing them for a matter of weeks, then he's risking heartbreak for his DD.

Imagine if you did become a regular feature in his DD's life, taking her to school and having fun with her. Then about 6 months in, you realise this relationship isn't for you as your DP turns out to be a dick. Then the girl may be sad when you leave and not understand where you've gone.

Now imagine that happens to her every 6 months or so? That has the potential to really mess a child up, doesn't it?

Then there's also the risk that he doesn't really know you well, does he? I mean, YOU know you're not a mad axe murderer, but he doesn't, and his ex who's never met you certainly doesn't.

Lastly, be very wary of a man who wants you to get involved in looking after his DC. You risk finding yourself wasting your 20s being used as a live in nanny for free, then realising you've been used but finding it hard to leave because by this point you're close to the kid, even though you now realise you were been made a step mum far too fast and without thinking it through.

Be very wary, I would!

Her message is spot on if you ask me to be honest. You shouldn't be this involved at all and he should be taking his child to nursery if she's in his care what a joke.