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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
Itslit · 08/01/2022 18:56

YABU
The child’s father allowing someone he barely knows to dress his child and take her to nursery is awful. I can’t believe either of you thought it was appropriate.
However, her message should have been directed towards him, not you.

Cheesewiz · 08/01/2022 18:56

Yabu you have been together 5 minutes, you boyfriend is also an idiot for thinking its OK for someone he has dates for 8 weeks to be around and sleep in the same house as his 2 year old. I would be furious if I was the mum.

sweetbellyhigh · 08/01/2022 18:57

Her message is extremely rude and aggressive. She should not be contacting you, it's the ex she needs to raise this with.

God he's a twat though isn't t he? Leaving his tiny daughter in the care of someone he's only known a few weeks. So many feckless men 😔

JanuaryBluehoo · 08/01/2022 18:57

I would be furious as well but it's not ops fault?

lljkk · 08/01/2022 18:57

I don't agree OP was being `U -- not in any way.
I hope you can continue on more amicable terms, OP, for your sanity.

lightisnotwhite · 08/01/2022 18:59

@3peassuit

The mother’s message was aggressive and confrontational. It should have been sent to the child’s father rather than the OP. The content of the message is understandable, 2 months in is way too short a time for a new partner to be involved in a child’s life.
Sounds like it has been mentioned to the dad already though.” have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on..”

What else can the mum do but spell it out. It’s her child that she’s entrusted to an ex who is proving untrustworthy. She’s allowed to be forceful and direct.

WeeOrcadian · 08/01/2022 19:00

You shouldn't be dressing her or taking her to nursery. The tone of the message isn't nice but she's correct.

Back the fuck up. Tell your BOYFRIEND that the needs to step up for his daughter and actually take care of her instead of you. You barely know him, let alone his young daughter.

ShinyMe · 08/01/2022 19:00

That poor child. Omg.

ChurchlightJane · 08/01/2022 19:01

Far too soon to have met her and be involved in personal care.

Porcupineintherough · 08/01/2022 19:02

You can be forceful and direct without being rude and aggressive. Pity she didnt try to get the op on side but trying that really.

CoastalWave · 08/01/2022 19:03

You have absolutely no business whatsoever being on your own with this little girl. NONE.

Totally inappropriate. I am 100% with the Mum here - and until you have children of your own, you will remain clueless as to how staggeringly overstepping this mark this all is.

I feel so sorry for the mother. I would be livid and beside myself.

Apologies profusely to the Mother. And ditch the loser of a boyfriend pronto.

Mumoblue · 08/01/2022 19:05

YABU

She was rude, but I’d hit the roof if my ex was introducing girlfriends after barely a month and letting new girlfriends dress a toddler they barely know.

She should have taken it up with her kid’s dad, but it seems like she’s already tried that and he’s not listened. I’d do some serious thinking about this relationship if I were you.

Though I had to do a bit of a double take as to if this was real or not, I find it so hard to believe anyone would be fine with meeting and caring for a child so soon.

Lennybenny · 08/01/2022 19:05

I would've written it like that as well. I agree with pp it's far too soon to meet the child, dress her, refer to him as partner.... you may be the 1st since the split but you may not be the last...its not fair on the child.

Stepmonstera · 08/01/2022 19:05

You massively, hugely overstepped. You barely know this child.

5128gap · 08/01/2022 19:06

She has a point. She just directed it at the wrong person. I'd also heed the warning about your bf that there between the lines in her message.

Itslit · 08/01/2022 19:06

I’m assuming you don’t have kids, @mothtoflutter
You were probably trying to help but mainly build a relationship with the father. Naivety and ignorance has stopped you from being objective. Allowing a stranger to dress and take his child to nursery screams incompetency at best and a safeguarding concern at worst, and this is not a man I would be wanting a relationship with.

katieg03 · 08/01/2022 19:06

She's way more polite than I'd have been. 8 weeks together and you are dressing her daughter and dropping her to childcare? No. I wouldn't be happy either. I'm surprised the nursery didn't question who you were. Totally not okay.

Clymene · 08/01/2022 19:07

You are massively overstepping and he is a bloody idiot introducing his little girl to you.

I would have said worse

Crimeismymiddlename · 08/01/2022 19:08

She is totally in the the right. The message should have been to the father but considering she has known him for years and you have know him eight weeks I am assuming something like this has happened before and it is useless talking to him. It is also safe to assume that he does cause her stress and that bad behaviour has been caused by drug taking with girlfriends previously-she doesn’t know you to see if you are that sort of person. To her you are a stranger who dressed her daughter badly and took her to nursery. If I was you I would not totally trust this man who you barely know, and probably only see the good side of.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 08/01/2022 19:09

I mean this nicely, OP. You seem to have very kind intentions and to be a thoughtful person, but it is no advantage to you to be playing happy families with this man, you need to look after yourself here.

You've known him for 2 months, that's not a partner, there are condiments in my fridge older than that. And you met his daughter a few weeks ago, that must mean you had known him less than a month when he introduced you.

No sensible, thoughtful father would introduce a new girlfriend to a young child a month into a relationship. And as for dressing her and taking her to nursery, far too much.

This man is bone idle, he's already getting you to do the 'wife work' for him, because he can't be arsed to parent his own child.

He's not a catch, and you are falling into a trap of making up for his shortcomings.....don't do it, this isn't on you. Be extremely careful not to get pregnant.

Lostmyway86 · 08/01/2022 19:09

The message is aggressive and nasty. It should not be aimed at you it should be aimed at the dad, if anyone. I am a stepmum and mum. Yes, I would be upset if someone I didn't know had taken my child to nursery. However, having been a stepmother I totally understand how difficult it is and how you were just doing something nice and therefore I would never ever direct my anger at you. Plus, when you separate you need to understand other people will be in your child's life that you won't get to vet and meet. She sounds very immature, the point about shagging was just totally pathetic and bitter. OP unless you are really into this guy take long think about whether you want to do this. I've been stepmum for 6 years (yes we're married now with DC so apparently according to all the first wives on MN I'm allowed to be called a stepmum now) and its been utter hell. You can't do right for wrong. I offered to meet SDs mum before I met them and she declined and has been nasty, manipulative and bitter ever since. If I did too much I was overstepping the mark, if I didn't do enough I was the evil stepmother. My mental health has taken a battering and in hindsight I'd never do it again. Take care of yourself. You are 100% not being unreasonable. The mother is. She should have directed her anger at the father. I would 100% ignore her and let your partner deal with it. Message me directly and I'll give you the name of a much more supportive forum for women in your situation if you would like it.

DroopyClematis · 08/01/2022 19:09

Her mum didn't handle this well but she was probably steaming that a woman that her ex has known for just a few weeks is already doing clothes changes, school runs etc...

Your boyfriend is , at the moment, someone that you're dating. You really shouldn't be involved with his daughter's day to day care.
He isn't your partner!!!

That you've had this boyfriend for a few weeks and you've met his daughter weeks ago , according to you, rings alarm bells.

Your boyfriend's daughter shouldn't have been introduced yet.

Poor child .

Back off.

RandomCatGenerator · 08/01/2022 19:12

In her position I would freak out even more. I can’t believe your boyfriend left you alone with his baby.

BertieQueen · 08/01/2022 19:12

The mum should take this up with the Dad I agree but to be honest it sounds like she has messaged you in anger because the Dad doesn’t seem to have understood that You doing this is a problem.

The mother is angry and I don’t blame her she doesn’t have a clue who you are and neither does your partner really. He has known you 2 months and has let you dress and take charge of his daughter. There is a huge safe guarding issue here.

In my opinion you shouldn’t have even met the child yet let alone dress and take her to nursery.

It’s a big red flag that a man you are seeing would behave like this with his child.

Ohbums · 08/01/2022 19:14

Sorry but she is right. She may not have put it very eloquently but she is correct.

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