To find it weird that we’re being congratulated on our baby’s sex?

[Dollywilde]

We had our 20 week scan this week. My overwhelming feeling is just sheer gratitude that nothing has been picked up as a health concern - I have friends who haven’t been so lucky including friends who have had to TFMR at this point, so I didn’t go into it with any other hopes than baby being ok.

We already have a one year old DD and due to the small age gap/the fact we only plan to have two we decided to find out the sex of this baby, which we didn’t with DD. Neither of us had any preference at all, to my mind we either got one of each or DD got a sister, and frankly both outcomes were brilliant. Baby is a boy and I’m super excited.

Since we’d found out, we mentioned it in passing to close family (siblings, parents) and since then we’ve been getting heaps of messages off other friends and family to congratulate us on the baby’s sex. Haven’t posted it on social media or mentioned it to anyone other than immediate family who had asked directly, but they’ve obviously passed it on (both sides, this isn’t an in-laws bash!) And I don’t mind that they’ve passed it on, it’s not a secret, I just generally assumed no one except the parents really gives a damn about it

Am I being U to find the fact we’re getting loads of congratulatory messages bizarre? I could understand people messaging to say they’re glad the baby seems healthy, and obviously once baby is here, but ‘congrats on what’s between its legs’ seems a bit… odd? DH thinks I’m massively overthinking it, but I feel like congratulations is only appropriate when the alternative outcome is less good (ie congrats the baby is here safely). I will say I’m the sort of person who wouldn’t dream of giving a gift until a baby has actually arrived - I feel a bit uneasy about it tbh, maybe due to my friends’ experiences - so for me it’s in a very different category to birth announcements.

DH says I’m being snippy because I’m reading it as ‘a second girl wouldn’t have been as good’ and people are just pleased for us. I’m sure there’s no malice but I think being congratulated on something that a) is 50/50 and b) doesn’t really matter either way is really odd! AIBU?

(Just to say if I am U I promise to take it on the chin and this definitely isn’t a ‘gender disappointment’ post. More a ‘sex wtf’ post )

It's just something to say OP. People don't really care but they're happy for you, and pleased at your news. So they congratulate you.

If you were having a girl, and people heard that, they'd be texting, oh that's lovely, a sister for DD etc.

Just take it in the spirit it's meant.

I'm pretty sure everyone would have congratulated you either way. "two girls, how lovely they'll be so close and have a friend for life." "One of each, thats the dream you've got a full set now how lucky" etc.
You're over thinking this!

No one cares. They have better things to worry about

Haha, ok - unless you’re all in DH’s pay it looks like early votes are I’m in the wrong.

I agree it’s just something to say but it’s not like we’ve raised it in small talk, these are family friends texting out of the blue. Maybe I am just weird. It’s a very different experience to when we had DD, though - most people were just congratulating us on her arrival and her sex wasn’t really a factor!

I think you're overthinking it.

If the news is "out" that you're having a boy, it would be weird not to mention that, wouldn't it? You can't blame people for not merely congratulating you on having a healthy baby when you chose not only to use the opportunity to find out its sex, but also to tell relatives the news.

@Thevalley

No one cares. They have better things to worry about

See that’s what I thought, but if it doesn’t matter and no one cares, why are they messaging us! Clearly I am a grump but if o heard that info about anyone second hand it just wouldn’t occur to me to do anything other than think ‘oh ok’ and get on with my day.

Over thinking it. "How lovely one of each" would be replaced by "a sister for DD, how lovely" in an alternate situation. It's just something people say. People will give you platitudes then get on with their day. You're wayyyy over thinking it.

I agree with you OP.

As somebody who's 7 weeks pregnant and an anxious mess due to recurrent miscarriages, I find it really kind of you to acknowledge your friends losses and for you to be grateful your baby is healthy.

Congratulations ♥️ wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy x

YABU! You said yourself and I quote 'baby is a boy and I'm super excited'
Any major problems are likely to have been picked up earlier, so people will assume baby is healthy unless told otherwise. So the natural thing to do it congratulate.

I remember getting "oh well done, a gentleman's family" . Congrats on the health of your baby OP.

To be fair congratulations on having a baby is hardly the biggest achievement. There have been billions born over history it hardly getting a first from Oxford.

I have a pigeon pair and the strangest comment received more than once was "aren't you clever?" Really weird.

People who care about you and take an interest in you are just trying to acknowledge and share your excitement/happiness. You’d get congratulations on having either sex, it’s just a word used to convey that people acknowledge an event.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

I have a pigeon pair and the strangest comment received more than once was "aren't you clever?" Really weird.

I had a ‘well done’ it was off a slightly eccentric professor I used to work for so I actually really appreciated the comment - he wasn’t the most socially articulate!

@seekinglondonlife “a gentleman’s family”? Crikey. I might have to have a resurgence of morning sickness if that one gets wheeled out

@Mouseonmychair good point. It’s that curious thing of how having a baby is both life changing on an individual level and utterly banal on a wider one isn’t it?

@layna12 thank you - that’s very kind. Have everything crossed for a straightforward and trouble free 33 weeks ahead for you

but if it doesn’t matter and no one cares, why are they messaging us!

They don't care about the sex. They (presumably) care about you, and the new baby on the way & are showing that in their congratulations.

Of course there was no mention of sex with DD. That was your first baby, there wasn't one to compare to, as there is now.

People would also be congratulating you on having a girl, “how lovely having two of the same, they’ll be best friends” etc etc.

I'm perplexed, I genuinely am.

What do you want people to say / do? Ignore it?

Telling people tends to warrant a response, surely?

I think YANBU to find it weird, but also agree with previous posters that most people probably don't mean anything by it.

I was the eldest child and was 3 when my brother was born. I remember feeling sad about all the well-wishes (in person, back then) my parents got which centred on how pleased they must be that the baby was a boy this time, especially my dad. Maybe it was just 'something to say' but I certainly noticed.

People just want to congratulate you and it's just something to say - no need to overthink it.

We've found out we're having another girl and have also had "congratulations it's another girl" messages such as joking DH will be outnumbered, at least we won't need to buy more clothes/toys as we have things for DD1. I honestly couldn't take the time to think it's odd or be offended by it, it's nice of people to congratulate us

a gentleman’s family”? Crikey. I might have to have a resurgence of morning sickness if that one gets wheeled out

Ok it's a dated term with little meaning. But again, it's just something people say. A version of 'congratulations', that's essentially all these responses are.

Yeah ,people say all kinds of crap ,if you had ,had two girls ,people would be asking if you would be trying for a boy and vice versa,it's just things people say

'Oh a BOY how amazing, one of each!'

'Oh a GIRL how amazing, sisters, you can't beat it, they'll be so close'

This is how people congratulate

@Crunchymum

I'm perplexed, I genuinely am.

What do you want people to say / do? Ignore it?

Telling people tends to warrant a response, surely?

Oh I just meant I didn’t think it was remarkable enough to warrant comment, tbh! These are people who’ve heard second hand, not the people we’ve told directly (parents and siblings. My sister went ‘YAY pressure’s off me then’ which I took as a more conventional response )