To find it weird that we’re being congratulated on our baby’s sex?

[Dollywilde]

We had our 20 week scan this week. My overwhelming feeling is just sheer gratitude that nothing has been picked up as a health concern - I have friends who haven’t been so lucky including friends who have had to TFMR at this point, so I didn’t go into it with any other hopes than baby being ok.

We already have a one year old DD and due to the small age gap/the fact we only plan to have two we decided to find out the sex of this baby, which we didn’t with DD. Neither of us had any preference at all, to my mind we either got one of each or DD got a sister, and frankly both outcomes were brilliant. Baby is a boy and I’m super excited.

Since we’d found out, we mentioned it in passing to close family (siblings, parents) and since then we’ve been getting heaps of messages off other friends and family to congratulate us on the baby’s sex. Haven’t posted it on social media or mentioned it to anyone other than immediate family who had asked directly, but they’ve obviously passed it on (both sides, this isn’t an in-laws bash!) And I don’t mind that they’ve passed it on, it’s not a secret, I just generally assumed no one except the parents really gives a damn about it

Am I being U to find the fact we’re getting loads of congratulatory messages bizarre? I could understand people messaging to say they’re glad the baby seems healthy, and obviously once baby is here, but ‘congrats on what’s between its legs’ seems a bit… odd? DH thinks I’m massively overthinking it, but I feel like congratulations is only appropriate when the alternative outcome is less good (ie congrats the baby is here safely). I will say I’m the sort of person who wouldn’t dream of giving a gift until a baby has actually arrived - I feel a bit uneasy about it tbh, maybe due to my friends’ experiences - so for me it’s in a very different category to birth announcements.

DH says I’m being snippy because I’m reading it as ‘a second girl wouldn’t have been as good’ and people are just pleased for us. I’m sure there’s no malice but I think being congratulated on something that a) is 50/50 and b) doesn’t really matter either way is really odd! AIBU?

(Just to say if I am U I promise to take it on the chin and this definitely isn’t a ‘gender disappointment’ post. More a ‘sex wtf’ post )

@herewegoagainst

I'm pretty sure everyone would have congratulated you either way. "two girls, how lovely they'll be so close and have a friend for life." "One of each, thats the dream you've got a full set now how lucky" etc. You're over thinking this!

Yes, this. And also, you've told them OP. You've found out the sex and told people, so really, congratulations is the standard response. The baby isn't born yet, so they can't congratulate you on the baby itself. They can only congratulate you on the piece of information received. 'A boy, how lovely, now you have one of each!' or 'A girl, how lovely, a sister for DD!'. I'm not really sure what you expect the alternative to be?

But you're hormonal and pregnant, so you're forgiven

Sorry, to clarify, I was talking about the length of your opening post.

In one breath you're saying it's not a big deal but in another breath you're making a very big deal of it.

It's good you're not doing this in real life because I expect you really will come across to people as though you're disappointed you're having a boy.

Just say thanks…no need to over think it

I mean, really

People mostly don't care but feel the need to say something. You gave them a really easy way to respond.

Even I think you're overthinking and I'm a rabid feminist. People aren't fundamentally all that interested in the sex, they're just happy for you.
Smile sweetly and move on.

@Dollywilde

Fair enough! I guess for me ‘congratulations’ when people hear that you’re expecting and then ‘congratulations’ when baby arrives safely is the standard. Most of the people I know haven’t found out the sex (we’re one of the first to become parents among our friends, and families I don’t recall anyone finding out) so I wasn’t expecting it - I don’t recall anyone telling me their unborn baby’s sex as an announcement. Fully accept that I am the weird one though and this is just small talk! DH has been informed and is delighted

So what did you expect the response to be then? If nobody had said anything, you'd be disgruntled too! It would be weird to announce the sex and then have nothing much in response.

I appreciate you said you haven't been outwardly snippy with people, but unless you keep it that way, I think they're going to assume you're disappointed and would have preferred 2 girls.

And looking at the size of your opening post and considering some of your answers, it does look a bit like that to me.

That's exactly how I read it too.

People are weirdly obsessed with the “perfect” family being 2 kids, a boy and a girl.

I’ve had quite a few people ask me when I’m having another & if I’d like a girl next - assuming that we are stopping at 2 and are desperate for a girl.

A friend has 2 boys and has been asked multiple times if they would think about trying for another, just so she “gets” her girl.

Funnily enough friends that have 2 girls don’t get asked if they want a boy.

I suppose it’s a bit like the gender disappointment threads on here. There’s such a societal expectation that Dads want boys & Mums want girls.

Massively massively overthinking it.

What did you want them to say?? Have you ever written on a post where somewhere says they're having a girl/boy - Wow great that it's still healthy.

Erm no. Brilliant, one of each or ooh brilliant girls love having sisters.

It's just conversation.

Best buckle up for parenting two kids of a different sex for the rest of your life - the comments don't stop!

@Dollywilde thank you. Sorry if I was snippy. I’m so frightened. Good to hear about your DH. Although I have a 4yo and the thought of trying to explain to her that she needs surgery on her heart makes me want to cry! Your husband must have been so scared. But we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it I guess. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy, and remember to try and see the good in people before the bad. Honestly, most people are just trying their best to be nice.

I am not going to say yabu but I've done it myself when told the sex of the expected baby....I say oh how lovely for xxx (older child) to have a little brother or similar....a congratulation that mentions the sex but only in passing if it was something like "phew glad you got a boy this time" or similar, I'd be upset but not for general comments.

Oh for goodness sake, you were the one who asked about the baby’s sex so it clearly does mean something to you. Stop picking on people when they’re only trying to be nice ffs.

@SeeminglyOblivious

Some people desperately want both boys and girls (or just girls) and project that onto others ime.

When we announced ds3's birth, comments included:
'Oh hun, I really had my fingers crossed for a girl for you this time [sad face]`
'Ah bet you're gutted! At least the boys will be pleased though!'
'Do you think you might have one last try for a girl?'

Honestly it was so bizarre.

Being honest though. ALL of my friends who have had 2 of one gender have tried for a third to balance the mix.

Do people honestly just try for a third and have no preference at all? Or deep down are they really hoping it's a boy or a girl?

I think possibly people presume (sometimes incorrectly) that the only reason you would want a third child is if you don't already have one of each?

Just curious.

On the flip side, I have one of each and people very openly make comments like oh well at least you don't have to have any more babies - so presume that's the point of having two.

A very large number of people are completely open about wanting at least one of each gender so it isn’t really surprising that people congratulate you.

YANBU but I feel the same as you, you can't lose second time round.
Either you get your 'perfect pair' 🤮 or 'they'll be best of friends' (as my 2 irritate the life out if each other constantly & deliberately).

There's definitely a minor social value put on having different sex kids though, as if it's anything other than sperm roulette.

People look shocked when I say I'd want a third boy. Boys are ace.

@Skeumorph

'Oh a BOY how amazing, one of each!'

'Oh a GIRL how amazing, sisters, you can't beat it, they'll be so close'

This is how people congratulate

Completely agree with this.

It's just something people say. I'm sure they would be equally pleased for you if you were having another girl.

I've got 5 boys, people always say I must be mad, "didn't you want a girl then?" (like I had a choice!) or ask me if I'm going to keep trying for a girl. It's just normal small talk, although the lady who offered condolences when my healthy ds3 was born was rude.

[quote Phrowzunn]@Dollywilde thank you. Sorry if I was snippy. I’m so frightened. Good to hear about your DH. Although I have a 4yo and the thought of trying to explain to her that she needs surgery on her heart makes me want to cry! Your husband must have been so scared. But we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it I guess. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy, and remember to try and see the good in people before the bad. Honestly, most people are just trying their best to be nice.[/quote]
@Phrowzunn Oh I can't imagine either If it's any consolation my DMIL has said it was much, much worse for her than for DS when he had the op. Apparently his main overriding memory is getting an autographed football from his favourite club as he was on the local children's ward! Best wishes to you too and really hope it's not as serious as first thought.

I get it OP

You didn't 'announce it', you simply told your parents. Now you're getting messages from all over congratulating you on the sex of your baby. I think it's weird. Goodwill messages, say pleased it's healthy, or things are progressing well OK, but it's not a face to face conversation, or even something you have said in a particular message to others.

I don't get these massive gender reveal parties either.

I'm just getting old I think.

Only read the OP.

Par for the course I'm afraid. DSib has two of the same, I have two of the same

We both got the 'Aren't you disappointed it wasn't a...?' and 'You might get a [boy/girl] next time)

People are twats

@MollysDolly

I appreciate you said you haven't been outwardly snippy with people, but unless you keep it that way, I think they're going to assume you're disappointed and would have preferred 2 girls.

And looking at the size of your opening post and considering some of your answers, it does look a bit like that to me.

That's exactly how I read it too.

I am (honestly!) logging off now to focus on work, but I just wanted to say it definitely isn't this. I'm so excited for my boy. I just see so many posts on here telling people 'no one really cares about baby's sex except you', and found it weird to receive messages. But I totally accept I am BU. And now I will go focus on my scary spreadsheet

They are trying to find nice things to say to you to be supportive. Other peoples pregnancies aren’t that exciting so they are just showing that they are still taking an interest. You are seriously overthinking it.

@45redballoons

I'm pregnant with my first just now, I'm asked at least once a day if I know what it is. I'm past the scans now so hopefully I'll stop being asked if I'll find out. I was going to ask just so I could shut people up, but I genuinely don't care. If I accidentally refer to it as a he or she people start squeeling.

I suppose people are just trying to show an interest so you know they care, but it is irritating.

I didn't find out the sex with any of my 3. I used to answer "do you know what it is?" With either "it's a baby" or "either a boy or a girl"

People are congratulating you just as they would if you'd been told you were having a girl. They're excited it's a boy in the same way you're excited to be getting a son, I wouldn't reach anything else into it.
They obviously and rightly are joining in your excitement to find out the sex.

I viewed a male colleague differently after he greeted the news that a nephew would be coming after two nieces with "Oh, it will be worth visiting one of their babies finally!"