To find it weird that we’re being congratulated on our baby’s sex?

[Dollywilde]

We had our 20 week scan this week. My overwhelming feeling is just sheer gratitude that nothing has been picked up as a health concern - I have friends who haven’t been so lucky including friends who have had to TFMR at this point, so I didn’t go into it with any other hopes than baby being ok.

We already have a one year old DD and due to the small age gap/the fact we only plan to have two we decided to find out the sex of this baby, which we didn’t with DD. Neither of us had any preference at all, to my mind we either got one of each or DD got a sister, and frankly both outcomes were brilliant. Baby is a boy and I’m super excited.

Since we’d found out, we mentioned it in passing to close family (siblings, parents) and since then we’ve been getting heaps of messages off other friends and family to congratulate us on the baby’s sex. Haven’t posted it on social media or mentioned it to anyone other than immediate family who had asked directly, but they’ve obviously passed it on (both sides, this isn’t an in-laws bash!) And I don’t mind that they’ve passed it on, it’s not a secret, I just generally assumed no one except the parents really gives a damn about it

Am I being U to find the fact we’re getting loads of congratulatory messages bizarre? I could understand people messaging to say they’re glad the baby seems healthy, and obviously once baby is here, but ‘congrats on what’s between its legs’ seems a bit… odd? DH thinks I’m massively overthinking it, but I feel like congratulations is only appropriate when the alternative outcome is less good (ie congrats the baby is here safely). I will say I’m the sort of person who wouldn’t dream of giving a gift until a baby has actually arrived - I feel a bit uneasy about it tbh, maybe due to my friends’ experiences - so for me it’s in a very different category to birth announcements.

DH says I’m being snippy because I’m reading it as ‘a second girl wouldn’t have been as good’ and people are just pleased for us. I’m sure there’s no malice but I think being congratulated on something that a) is 50/50 and b) doesn’t really matter either way is really odd! AIBU?

(Just to say if I am U I promise to take it on the chin and this definitely isn’t a ‘gender disappointment’ post. More a ‘sex wtf’ post )

I was the eldest child and was 3 when my brother was born. I remember feeling sad about all the well-wishes (in person, back then) my parents got which centred on how pleased they must be that the baby was a boy this time, especially my dad. Maybe it was just 'something to say' but I certainly noticed.

Seriously? At 3? 😳

That's nuts. I'm amazed a 3 yo would have given that thought to such comments.

It really was 'something to say'. That's all.

Just want to say how lovely it is to hear someone acknowledging that the 20 week scan is to check the baby is healthy and not just to find out the sex. After several losses and TMFR I was terrified at mine.

I think for most people it's just something to say.....there are people who are obsessed with one of each though - 2 of my friends were like that - we didn't find out the sex of this baby and I know they will be saying another boy what a shame behind my back...I'm just delighted he is here and healthy and couldn't be happier!

And if they didn’t message you you’ve been moaning about that as well nobody cares I’m having a boy 🙄

They’re messaging you because it’s news - when you had your 20-wk scan with DC1 you didn’t find out so you can’t compare with last time how the same people would have reacted.

If you’d found out you’re having a girl you’d be getting the same congratulations messages, just of a different sort (“2 DDs, how exciting!”)

Your DH’s family shared some exciting news about your pregnancy and people want to be involved and friendly.

You’re definitely overthinking it.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

I have a pigeon pair and the strangest comment received more than once was "aren't you clever?" Really weird.

Yes me too with the well done, clever girl. Such a strange thing to say! And quite a few older ladies said it!

Gentleman's family I think is two of each (heir and a spare and two daughters for luck). Pigeon pair is one of each.

'congrats on what’s between its legs’

If someone actually wrote that then it is weird! But I think people do think parents would enjoy having the 'full' experience by parenting children of both sexes.

Obviously every child is unique but if people buy into gender stereotypes like pretty pink dresses and toy trucks for boys they will congratulate you on getting to do both. In reality your son could enjoy pink dresses too but in all probability he probably won't.

Congrats on the healthy baby!

It's just something people say. You'd get congratulated either way.

Fair enough! I guess for me ‘congratulations’ when people hear that you’re expecting and then ‘congratulations’ when baby arrives safely is the standard. Most of the people I know haven’t found out the sex (we’re one of the first to become parents among our friends, and families I don’t recall anyone finding out) so I wasn’t expecting it - I don’t recall anyone telling me their unborn baby’s sex as an announcement. Fully accept that I am the weird one though and this is just small talk! DH has been informed and is delighted

I say "one of each, how lovely" just as something nice to say. I've got 2 teenage dds and they're lovely. I'm delighted I've got them, so it's not that I think one of each is better.
I remember in one of the Sex and the City films Charlotte had 2 girls and her dh said " It's my lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful women" and I told late dh he should have said that

@Seahawk80 so sorry for your losses and am so glad your baby is here safely

@Jessie75 I promise I really wouldn’t! I’m finding the interest in it all totally weird! (Although as I say I know it’s all coming from a place of kindness and I feel very lucky that people care so much - I really liked PP’s point that people are messaging as they care about us as opposed to baby’s sex. I am going to reframe it to that in my head so I find it less strange!)

Oh I just meant I didn’t think it was remarkable enough to warrant comment, tbh!

But remarkable enough for you to find out the sex at the scan?

People are being polite and would've congratulated you either way, I'm sure.

You've got a very long road ahead if you're going to take issue with such tiny insignificant things.

You sound quite miserable tbh.
You usually see posts saying 'so and so hasn't messaged me to say xyz once they found out I was pregnant' so this one is really strange.

As pp have said, no one really cares if you're having a boy or a girl. It's just a polite to say something along the lines of 'aw congratulations heard you're pregnant or having a boy/girl.'

Even if you were letting someone know in conversation that you had a scan and you hadn't wanted to know the sex, I'm sure someone would respond saying 'did everything go okay' 'is baby healthy' etc. It's because the sex is known it's something it's worth mentioning🤷‍♀️

What do you rather people say, nothing?

So are they saying ''Congrats it's a Boy!'' or ''It's a boy, congrats!'' like it is on a birth card that you send?

Or are they being more specificly relieved it's not a girl?

''Thank god it's a boy!''?

'Cos that would be weird.

Not weird at all. I'd say congratulations, not that I care or think that they mind which one it is. Finding out you are having a son or a daughter is exciting and something to be congratulated. I find it odd that you find it odd 😁

You're over thinking this I think. No one really cares that much... it's just something to say.

@chineybumps

You sound quite miserable tbh. You usually see posts saying 'so and so hasn't messaged me to say xyz once they found out I was pregnant' so this one is really strange.

As pp have said, no one really cares if you're having a boy or a girl. It's just a polite to say something along the lines of 'aw congratulations heard you're pregnant or having a boy/girl.'

Even if you were letting someone know in conversation that you had a scan and you hadn't wanted to know the sex, I'm sure someone would respond saying 'did everything go okay' 'is baby healthy' etc. It's because the sex is known it's something it's worth mentioning🤷‍♀️

What do you rather people say, nothing?

Oh god, do I? I hope not. I really am very grateful that people are taking the time to message. I just didn’t think the baby’s sex was really notable/important enough to justify congratulatory messages! Thread is 100% confirming I am wrong though and I accept that

@Laiste that’s a good point, DD’s sex was referenced on the cards so I suppose it’s along those lines. Good way of thinking about it. I don’t think anyone was generally dreading a girl for us, that would have been even weirder

@WorraLiberty my motivation for finding out was more ‘oh god do I need to buy more clothes’ but I take your point. Honestly I’m not handwringing over it, I just found it weird, but I begrudgingly accept I am the weird one having read the thread responses!

I think you’re probably right that it’s something to do with finding out the sex now. If you wait till they’re born you get the safe arrival and sex announcement all rolled into one. Finding out the sex separately means people feel they need to acknowledge the information because it’s just nice news. Let’s face it, it’s one of the most interesting things about a baby for quite a while!

I don't know... as a mum of multiple boys, I've had plenty of 'are you hoping for a girl?', 'I bet you're hoping for a girl?', 'are you going to keep going until you get a girl?', 'will you have another one to try for a girl?' comments over the past few years, so I'm a bit more cynical about this whole girl/boy reaction thing.

I have two girls then a boy. Honestly could not believe the reaction I got having a son- everyone was like 'you must be so pleased' 'what a relief' 'how lovely a boy' etc even strangers who didn't know I already had girls
Particularly the older generation.
I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest (a girl) my husbands gran bought some boys baby clothes as she just assumed it would be a boy as that's 'what everyone wants'

@mumofmunchkin

I don't know... as a mum of multiple boys, I've had plenty of 'are you hoping for a girl?', 'I bet you're hoping for a girl?', 'are you going to keep going until you get a girl?', 'will you have another one to try for a girl?' comments over the past few years, so I'm a bit more cynical about this whole girl/boy reaction thing.

Yeah - when DD3's healthy birth (and sex) was announced XMIL actually said ''oh - never mind'' down the phone.

22 years later and i've never forgotten!

They probably don’t mean it the way it’s come out, but if they did you wouldn’t be U to find it weird!

I have one of each - there’s pros and cons either way!

People pick up on any little thing that they can say about a baby (whether born or on their way), as that's all they have by way of conversation. The same as they ask about a baby's weight or whether it was a long labour, without really caring what the answer is - there are literally very few points of interest you can raise about a baby and even fewer when the baby is as yet unborn.

What are newborn/unborn baby's hobbies, occupation, favourite authors/music genres/TV programmes, how did they find the traffic on the way there, have they always lived in X town, did they go to university....

These are all utterly pointless and ridiculous questions, so focusing on the baby's sex, name, birth weight, eye/hair colour etc. are pretty much the only relevant topics of conversation right now - and even of these very narrow-ranging questions, all but the first one will probably/certainly not yet be known whilst you're still pregnant.

There are some people/cultures where having girls one sex is considered a shame or disappointment, but it doesn't sound like this is the case with any of your family or friends.

I'm pregnant with my first just now, I'm asked at least once a day if I know what it is. I'm past the scans now so hopefully I'll stop being asked if I'll find out. I was going to ask just so I could shut people up, but I genuinely don't care. If I accidentally refer to it as a he or she people start squeeling.

I suppose people are just trying to show an interest so you know they care, but it is irritating.

People would congratulate you if it was a girl…. I think you need to get a grip.

I found out the sex with both of mine because if I can find something out I will! I can’t keep surprises from myself

I was glad to know although Ds did wear a lot of dd’s things because a. I’d bought fairly unisex things for her, and b. He was a baby and wouldn’t notice the odd thing being pink/ having a flowery motif.

When I had Dd I had this idea that blue was a more calming colour to be around a baby (crazy pfb idea I guess). So that and the fact she was bald for the first year made everyone think she was a boy!