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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it weird that we’re being congratulated on our baby’s sex?

133 replies

Dollywilde · 07/01/2022 09:25

We had our 20 week scan this week. My overwhelming feeling is just sheer gratitude that nothing has been picked up as a health concern - I have friends who haven’t been so lucky including friends who have had to TFMR at this point, so I didn’t go into it with any other hopes than baby being ok.

We already have a one year old DD and due to the small age gap/the fact we only plan to have two we decided to find out the sex of this baby, which we didn’t with DD. Neither of us had any preference at all, to my mind we either got one of each or DD got a sister, and frankly both outcomes were brilliant. Baby is a boy and I’m super excited.

Since we’d found out, we mentioned it in passing to close family (siblings, parents) and since then we’ve been getting heaps of messages off other friends and family to congratulate us on the baby’s sex. Haven’t posted it on social media or mentioned it to anyone other than immediate family who had asked directly, but they’ve obviously passed it on (both sides, this isn’t an in-laws bash!) And I don’t mind that they’ve passed it on, it’s not a secret, I just generally assumed no one except the parents really gives a damn about it

Am I being U to find the fact we’re getting loads of congratulatory messages bizarre? I could understand people messaging to say they’re glad the baby seems healthy, and obviously once baby is here, but ‘congrats on what’s between its legs’ seems a bit… odd? DH thinks I’m massively overthinking it, but I feel like congratulations is only appropriate when the alternative outcome is less good (ie congrats the baby is here safely). I will say I’m the sort of person who wouldn’t dream of giving a gift until a baby has actually arrived - I feel a bit uneasy about it tbh, maybe due to my friends’ experiences - so for me it’s in a very different category to birth announcements.

DH says I’m being snippy because I’m reading it as ‘a second girl wouldn’t have been as good’ and people are just pleased for us. I’m sure there’s no malice but I think being congratulated on something that a) is 50/50 and b) doesn’t really matter either way is really odd! AIBU?

(Just to say if I am U I promise to take it on the chin and this definitely isn’t a ‘gender disappointment’ post. More a ‘sex wtf’ post )

OP posts:

SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/01/2022 11:12

You are massively overthinking it.
Tbf didn't find out the sex with any of our 3 girls so probably dodged a bullet.
But if someone said "molly and Bob are having a boy". I probably would say we'll done, one of each!
So shoot me!

JanuaryPinks · 07/01/2022 11:15

Yeah like everyone else said, they’d have made a positive comment no matter what the outcome. You’re definitely over thinking this. Once the baby is born people will comment on his size (big or small), hair (presence or lack), eyes (colour, whatever it is). No need to get worked up about any of it.

emmaluggs · 07/01/2022 11:19

Massively over thinking it.

PinkPomeranian · 07/01/2022 11:20

I've definitely said, "Congratulations!" or "Oh how lovely!" when told whether baby is a boy or a girl, without caring either way. It's nice, welcome news either way. Maybe "Oh right." just sounds a bit flippant or uninterested as a response?

However I do think some people are a bit obsessed with boys or girls, or one of each, depending on their own feelings. We only have girls and have been on the receiving end of stupid comments from strangers, like, "Better luck next time," "What a shame," or "Are you gonna try for a boy?" And quite a few people asked my kids whether they wanted a brother or a sister, which we swiftly put a stop to as it's not as if we could send it back if it wasn't what they wanted.

I'm glad all looked healthy at your scan, OP. Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy.

Thoosa · 07/01/2022 11:22

to my mind we either got one of each or DD got a sister, and frankly both outcomes were brilliant.

You are somewhat buying into the nonsense, though. Why do you think of a girl having a sister or (the dreaded) “one of each” as good outcomes?

I remember getting a lot of the “one of each!” congratulations after DC2 was born and was completely bemused.

Any healthy baby is an “excellent outcome” isn’t it?

Bolshybun · 07/01/2022 11:24

I voted yanbu cos I got plagued by my husbands family that they wanted a boy once we announced we were pregnant, as they had no grandsons. They made a huge deal of ‘getting their boy’ after our 20 week scan and in the end I did say I was just happy the baby was healthy after our first pregnancy was complicated. So I am fully aware I am answering your question from my own experience!
Congratulations on the new addition xx

chipsinonehandpieinother · 07/01/2022 11:25

@Mouseonmychair

To be fair congratulations on having a baby is hardly the biggest achievement. There have been billions born over history it hardly getting a first from Oxford.

That's the sort of thing I used to say before I had kids. 'Rats manage to have babies too. Its not that amazing, is it?' I'd think.

I don't say that now. I think babies are brilliant!

yellowtwo · 07/01/2022 11:31

It is just something people say, but my experience of having two girls is similar to what Bolshybun is saying. I had people say to me, is your partner disappointed, he might have liked a boy. You can try for the boy next time, and so on.

Kitkat151 · 07/01/2022 11:36

Notably actually cares .....it’s just something to say

BiBabbles · 07/01/2022 11:55

Probably overthinking , but it would depend to me on the specific comment and if there is any history of their 'preference' for lack of a better term.

When my in-laws made their congrats after we had a 'not certain but looks like a boy' at our anomaly scan, I didn't think much of it. Same with any of my other kids.

With my family, it's different, because I grew up with many stories, including the story of my own birth, where people were very disappointed at having a girl (and around the time one of my daughters was born, there was a story from near where I grew up of an infant girl who died from abuse wounds that was being reported as a 'kind pastor who snapped because he wanted a boy' so it's still well rooted). It's a headfuck and I can understand why some might be more on edge from comments about the baby's sex.

To be fair congratulations on having a baby is hardly the biggest achievement. There have been billions born over history it hardly getting a first from Oxford.

Not sure why we'd compare the two, they're entirely different things, but to be fair, I think there should be more acknowledgement around the risks of pregnancy and childbirth, no matter how many survive them.

Pamlar · 07/01/2022 11:57

Only time I've ever been called clever is when my daughter was born 2 years after my son. Whereas my sil who had her second son was asked if she was disappointed...
I think in general people mean well and it's probably not meant in malice but given the tragic experiences you've been exposed to you are more sensitive about the terrible possibilities when you're pregnant

PurBal · 07/01/2022 12:02

YANBU, my cousin got told “well done” when their second child was a different sex.

clary · 07/01/2022 12:03

Id be amazed I you were allowed 14 ppl (or even 13 if the baby doesn't count) in a house for 12.

I have always had to say how many ppl in the party and ages.

There is no way I would do this, how could it work? Also yy what us the living space like for 14 ppl and two dogs? Five beds is not necessarily that big a house esp in holiday cottage terms IME. We stayed somewhere that slept seven - there were four of us and the space was OK. Just about. We used to stay in a four bed house that slept six - this was bigger hence us staying in it again and again, big living room and big kitchen, but would have been no good if it slept more (so if the owner put bunks in three of the rooms and sold it as sleeping eight, fir exampke).

clary · 07/01/2022 12:03

Oh ffs totally wrong thread, sorry. Never done that before

Aubriella · 07/01/2022 12:18

I have a pigeon pair and the strangest comment received more than once was "aren't you clever?" Really weird.

I read that as 'I have pigeon hair' and wondered why that made you clever

Twizbe · 07/01/2022 12:20

I got told I was clever for having one of each too.

At the time I was quite upset by the comment as I'd wanted two boys. I felt if I'd been clever I'd have got what I wanted lol.

(I adore my daughter before anyone says anything)

DyingForACuppa · 07/01/2022 12:30

My dentist asked if I knew the sex while I was heavily pregnant and taking my daughter to an appointment (just making random smalltalk I assume!), But then when I said it was a boy she said "Fantastic, one of each! That means you won't have to have anymore!" which I found bewildering, frankly.

I have met a few other people who seem to regard having children as some kind of set collection game , so yanbu!

Kitkat151 · 07/01/2022 12:58

@DyingForACuppa

I have met a few other people who seem to regard having children as some kind of set collection game , so yanbu!

Why would you find it bewildering?🙄. It’s a classic line people come out with

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/01/2022 13:37

I do think one of each is seen as the 'ideal', I had people commisersting with me and suggesting I could try again when I had a second child the same sex as the first.

I agree the whole thing is weird though, it's like gender reveals, everyone cheers if it's a girl and everyone cheers if it's a boy...there is no alternative so if you're going to cheer whatever the outcome then just dont bother

littlemissalwaystired · 07/01/2022 13:42

It's a turn of phrase, as a midwife my day is filled with "do you know what you're expecting? Oh how wonderful, congratulations!" no matter the sex of the baby. I don't congratulate people harder for one sex over the other🤷🏼‍♀️

HeyFloof · 07/01/2022 13:44

It is something people say without thinking.

The nurse who was checking my cannula at my second TFMR said "Oh, one of each, that would have been nice."

We were losing our baby girl at 15w after losing our baby boy at 21w to the same condition pretty much a year previously.

We are fortunate enough to have an older DS, so it was never going to be "having one of each", now we've just lost one of each.

wouldthatbeworse · 07/01/2022 13:46

I get what you’re saying OP. People did seem disproportionately pleased that we had one of each. After a MC we were not bothered either way. I think people think it’s a new experience having a different sex child whereas 2 DDs is just more of the same. In reality a baby is a baby wherever it pees from.

Hotyogahotchoc · 07/01/2022 13:48

@EarringsandLipstick

It's just something to say OP. People don't really care but they're happy for you, and pleased at your news. So they congratulate you.

If you were having a girl, and people heard that, they'd be texting, oh that's lovely, a sister for DD etc.

Just take it in the spirit it's meant.

I agree with this.

People are being nice. Get over yourself.

OhWhyNot · 07/01/2022 14:25

When I announced I was pregnant I had from some of my family wishing you a happy healthy baby boy

He was my first (and only) I wonder if I had another child what they would wish for

I know friends who have had comments like oh well maybe next time you will have a girl/boy as if they were disappointed they are having another girl/boy

DyingForACuppa · 07/01/2022 14:38

Why would you find it bewildering?🙄. It’s a classic line people come out with

@Kitkat151 You may find it a 'classic line' to tell people that they should be relived not to 'have to have' more children, but I had never heard of it or knew people thought this way about their families, so yes I found it very odd that someone who knew nothing about me a) assumed my family was complete, and b) that I would be happy with that!

As it happens I like having children, it's not a chore I was enduring until I had one of each type (I would dearly love more), and the number of children I have has sod all to do with their sex.

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