To find it weird that we’re being congratulated on our baby’s sex?

[Dollywilde]

We had our 20 week scan this week. My overwhelming feeling is just sheer gratitude that nothing has been picked up as a health concern - I have friends who haven’t been so lucky including friends who have had to TFMR at this point, so I didn’t go into it with any other hopes than baby being ok.

We already have a one year old DD and due to the small age gap/the fact we only plan to have two we decided to find out the sex of this baby, which we didn’t with DD. Neither of us had any preference at all, to my mind we either got one of each or DD got a sister, and frankly both outcomes were brilliant. Baby is a boy and I’m super excited.

Since we’d found out, we mentioned it in passing to close family (siblings, parents) and since then we’ve been getting heaps of messages off other friends and family to congratulate us on the baby’s sex. Haven’t posted it on social media or mentioned it to anyone other than immediate family who had asked directly, but they’ve obviously passed it on (both sides, this isn’t an in-laws bash!) And I don’t mind that they’ve passed it on, it’s not a secret, I just generally assumed no one except the parents really gives a damn about it

Am I being U to find the fact we’re getting loads of congratulatory messages bizarre? I could understand people messaging to say they’re glad the baby seems healthy, and obviously once baby is here, but ‘congrats on what’s between its legs’ seems a bit… odd? DH thinks I’m massively overthinking it, but I feel like congratulations is only appropriate when the alternative outcome is less good (ie congrats the baby is here safely). I will say I’m the sort of person who wouldn’t dream of giving a gift until a baby has actually arrived - I feel a bit uneasy about it tbh, maybe due to my friends’ experiences - so for me it’s in a very different category to birth announcements.

DH says I’m being snippy because I’m reading it as ‘a second girl wouldn’t have been as good’ and people are just pleased for us. I’m sure there’s no malice but I think being congratulated on something that a) is 50/50 and b) doesn’t really matter either way is really odd! AIBU?

(Just to say if I am U I promise to take it on the chin and this definitely isn’t a ‘gender disappointment’ post. More a ‘sex wtf’ post )

They heard some news about you, and they acknowledged it with a kind message. It's as simple as that.

I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest (a girl) my husbands gran bought some boys baby clothes as she just assumed it would be a boy as that's 'what everyone wants'

Without wanting to be unkind, she doesn't (didn't?) sound very bright at all. Would she try to go 'home' at the end of the day to her favourite house in the town rather than the one where she actually lives?!

It sounds like even some people in the older generations have bought into the whole 'fake it to make it' idiocy too.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll that’s a good point, people are really into the minutiae aren’t they? Because most of our friends don’t have kids I spend a lot of time trying not to be the one who bangs on about pregnancy/birth/the contents of my toddlers nappies etc - maybe I’ve gone too far the other way.

@LethargeMarg you’ve just reminded me of a department head a decade ago who congratulated my boss on having a boy with ‘what luck - a boy on the first go!’. Had completely forgotten about that. 21 year old feminist me was absolutely raging on her behalf…

It's just what people say.
If you were having a girl people would tell you how wonderful it is for your daughter to have a sister.

There isnt much you can say about someone having a baby other than congratulations, so people find something to say. That means that whatever sex you told them, you would get the exact same replies about how good it is etc.

You are being snippy. Stop it.

It’s because, by having one of each, you have (by random chance) created “the perfect family.” At least you have a girl. Try having multiple boys, like me, then you get the “poor you, I’m so glad that’s not me” face. Or outright rude comments like “oh god, that would be my worst nightmare” or my favourite one, delivered by DM “well it’s a shame it’s another boy, but at least he doesn’t have something wrong with him” 😮😮😮

What do you expect if you announce it, the options are say nothing, say something nice or say something unpleasant.

I get what you are saying op. I had a dd after two ds and everyone was saying how lovely it was blah blah blah. Dont get me wrong i was pleased with a dd but I would have been just as pleased with another ds. When we had dc number 4 and it was another ds there was no congratulations at all, even now when i say i have three ds and one dd people always assume dd is the youngest and we kept going till we had a dd

my motivation for finding out was more ‘oh god do I need to buy more clothes’

Do newborn boys need more clothes than girls?

I agree with pps, it's just something to say really. I didn't find out sex before birth but when I had DS a lot of people were 'How nice, one of each'. And it was nice, not on account of gender just to have the 'variety' of one of each. Not that oldest (13) can seem to decide what gender they are from week to week after all that anyway as is the way these days!

”well it’s a shame it’s another boy, but at least he doesn’t have something wrong with him”

Crikey @PinkPiranha11. I’d have been tempted to say “well, except the grandmother he’s stuck with…” (in my dreams. I am obviously nowhere near this quick-witted in real life).

@Itsalmostanaccessory I promise I haven’t said anything to anyone about this IRL except in chatting to DH about how weird I find it but I will stop being snippy and accept the majority verdict that it is just what people say!

Some people desperately want both boys and girls (or just girls)
and project that onto others ime.

When we announced ds3's birth, comments included:
'Oh hun, I really had my fingers crossed for a girl for you this time [sad face]`
'Ah bet you're gutted! At least the boys will be pleased though!'
'Do you think you might have one last try for a girl?'

Honestly it was so bizarre.

Even though I never had a preference for myself, I’ll admit that I’d secretly think there’s something “lucky” about having both a boy and then a girl or vice versa. It’s probably because I assume it’s quite unlikely, statistically, if you’re to only have 2. I know it’s all just silly gender nonsense anyway

@WorraLiberty

my motivation for finding out was more ‘oh god do I need to buy more clothes’

Do newborn boys need more clothes than girls?

Well as DD was a surprise all the 0 - 3 months stuff is unisex but unless DS is planning on heading to nursery in all of the dresses DD is currently outgrowing in age 12 - 18 months, then yes, he will need more to be purchased. Saving starts here

It’s just something to say in reply to being told news which doesn’t affect them in any way whatsoever. That’s not to say they aren’t happy for you, but that they’d have been happy either way.
Let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be very nice if they just said ‘oh right’ and moved on without commenting at all would it?

@Laiste my sister had a v similar reaction to her 3rd girl from an older relative- they were so happy with another girl but it did upset her.

I had my 20wk scan yesterday and they’ve said they think there’s a hole in the baby’s heart. We have two DD already but didn’t find out sex as we don’t mind either way and we want to wait for the surprise. If I knew you I would think that your finding out the sex meant you cared and might appreciate a message on the subject. Honestly, your baby is healthy and you are not disappointed by the sex (as I understand some people can be) but you are still reaching to find something to be upset about? I just can’t imagine trying to put a negative spin on your friend’s and family’s well wishes. Just be happy!

DH thinks I’m massively overthinking it

Your DH is right.

As PP said, "oh, a boy, how lovely"...."oh, a sister for DD, how lovely"...

It's just how people congratulate. You sound a bit precious.

@Phrowzunn oh gosh, what a scare for you - I really hope baby is ok. I’m not trying to find things to be upset about but can completely see why it would look like that given the seriousness of your news, it really puts it in perspective. I will be happy, and keep everything crossed for you and your DC. (really sending you good wishes - if it is a hole in the heart, just wanted to say that DH had a septal defect identified at birth back in the late 80s, had surgery aged 4 and is a fit and healthy 30-something now who ran the London marathon last year - just in case a positive story would help while you’re processing your news).

Well as DD was a surprise all the 0 - 3 months stuff is unisex but unless DS is planning on heading to nursery in all of the dresses DD is currently outgrowing in age 12 - 18 months, then yes, he will need more to be purchased. Saving starts here

You're buying clothes now for your unborn baby that he won't be able to wear for a year to a year and a half?

See I just think you're being a bit economical with the truth. You were interested to find out the sex of your unborn baby, which is fine - lots of people do this.

What's strange is that you think it's weird when other people show an interest.

I appreciate you said you haven't been outwardly snippy with people, but unless you keep it that way, I think they're going to assume you're disappointed and would have preferred 2 girls.

And looking at the size of your opening post and considering some of your answers, it does look a bit like that to me.

It was important enough for you to find out 'what's between it's legs' it's surely important enough for people to pass comment on.

Unless people are saying "oh thank goodness it's a boy can't stand your daughter" I don't see the issue.

You obviously did care though because you found out. People are just being kind. You're overthinking.

@WorraLiberty

Well as DD was a surprise all the 0 - 3 months stuff is unisex but unless DS is planning on heading to nursery in all of the dresses DD is currently outgrowing in age 12 - 18 months, then yes, he will need more to be purchased. Saving starts here

You're buying clothes now for your unborn baby that he won't be able to wear for a year to a year and a half?

See I just think you're being a bit economical with the truth. You were interested to find out the sex of your unborn baby, which is fine - lots of people do this.

What's strange is that you think it's weird when other people show an interest.

I appreciate you said you haven't been outwardly snippy with people, but unless you keep it that way, I think they're going to assume you're disappointed and would have preferred 2 girls.

And looking at the size of your opening post and considering some of your answers, it does look a bit like that to me.

Fair enough @WorraLiberty. DS is a surprise baby and finances have been a bit of a worry (I did mean more about buying clothes later down the line, I know babies aren’t babies for long!) but as this thread has shown I’m an overthinker so I suppose that all makes sense.

Length of answers is because I am massively procrastinating from a work project (and I also hate threads where people say OP is wrong and they disappear…) but also entirely fair enough

It's just small talk, and showing interest in the other person's news
"one of each - brilliant!"
"two the same - that's so lovely!"

It would probably be a little weird if on being told the sex of someone's unborn baby I said "meh" or made some other suggestion that it's not particular interesting or commentworthy, even though I might feel that way.

People say things because they feel its the done thing.

It's highly unlikely that anybody really gives a shit what sex your unborn baby is!

You are overthinking. I think people are just saying generic comments. As you announced that it’s a boy this time people are commenting on this. They don’t know anything else just baby’s sex what else they can say? And I personally wouldn’t congratulate on baby’s health at this stage, it would sound a bit strange.