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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m so upset about an old snowsuit, tell me to get a grip.

261 replies

GarethKeenanInvestigates · 05/01/2022 17:41

My snowsuit from when I was a baby 42 years ago has been worn by my 3 children too, from my 19 year old down to my 17 month old who was still wearing it. I caught a seam on something last week and it ripped.

My mother in law is great at sewing and fixing things, dh asked if she could fix the seam.

He went there at lunch to pick something up and she handed him a new snowsuit she had bought for dd as she had chucked mine in the bin as it was old and she thought she would replace it Sad

I’m not angry at her at all. It was a 42 year old mothercare snowsuit that’s been through 4 children (it was still in good condition though and quite retro and cool). She doesn’t know it was
sentimental to me, We should have said not to throw it if she couldn’t fix it.

To anyone else it was a bit of old shit but it’s was one of the only things I had left. My mum died when I was little, my dad is now 85 and in a care home with dementia, we’ve totally lost him
now, who he was has gone. At the start of his dementia, he started chucking away so much stuff and I didn’t know. So many family photos, videos all gone.

He’d always kept that snowsuit though as my mum bought it the day she found out she was pregnant with me, and he remembered laughing at her because she had bought it in 1 year old size rather than newborn because she was in such an excited flap on the way home from the dr. He loved seeing my older two in it. My littlest dd, he was too far gone to even register.

Plus, I had it in my head that if I was ever l lucky enough to have a grandchild one day, I’d be that annoying gran who passed it down.

I need to get a bloody grip, don’t I. It’s a fucking snowsuit, not a royal christening gown.

OP posts:
GarethKeenanInvestigates · 05/01/2022 21:56

Dh just said he felt sick to the stomach when she told him - he knew how important it was to me. He just asked where it was/when she threw it away. He didn’t say anything else, he just wanted to get home to tell me. He knew i’d be really upset about it.

He just kept apologising to me, but it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his place to say anything to his mum anyway as far as i’m concerned. He was just worried about me being upset when he told me.

OP posts:
GarethKeenanInvestigates · 05/01/2022 21:59

And thanks everyone for being so kind.

God knows there are worse things in the world, people here are facing real bloody problems in their life.

Like I said, it’s just a kicker when there are so many memories and my dads dementia and quite fast decline is going on to. It’s all mixed up together for me and it’s been a very stressful time.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 05/01/2022 22:05

I'd never get over that tbh.

I would be very bitter. It is just thoughtless. Why on earth else would you give it to her to get fixed?

Its not just up to you to tell her how much it meant. She should have read the room and even if she didn't she should have asked first before binning anyway.

Sorry, but I'd struggle not to go completely bonkers. Its not 'just a' snow suit.

WaltzingTilda · 05/01/2022 22:18

I lost the blanket that I used to wrap my dd in when we brought her home (4 years ago) and I am still upset about it so I don't blame you for being upset about losing something that had so much sentimentaal value attached to it. I feel for you OP. I know you said that your df had destroyed albums, videos etc, do you think any of your relatives might have some photos/videos with you and family in? Worth asking around any uncles/aunts/cousins etc xx

WaltzingTilda · 05/01/2022 22:19

Sentimental *

kittensinthekitchen · 05/01/2022 22:19

Oh no.

I'd just feel so sad. I totally believe you that she did it from a good place, and would hope I wouldn't feel angry with her, just so so sad.
I can read it your words what it meant to you.

I'm sorry.

Wheredidthequietgo · 05/01/2022 22:22

I mean this gently, but material things aren't what is important. You have lots of lovely memories, and photographs, and the torn snow suit would just have ended up being clutter you couldn't bare to part with. I used to be really sentimental until I realised it was actually hoarding tendencies, now I get rid, live in the moment. We don't need 'stuff', we use them as emotional crutches and it is very liberating to free yourself from them. I think you know deep down mil has done you a favour, or you wouldn't be so easy going about it.
If you really want to keep and hand something down, your child's lovely new snowsuit from nanna can be passed down to your grandchildren in the same way yours was passed down to your mother's grandchildren.

DukeofEarlGrey · 05/01/2022 22:23

Poor you OP Flowers

You are right not to be angry though - well done for seeing the bigger picture. No one here meant any harm and feeling angry wouldn't make you any less sad.

Do you have any photos of you / your DC in the snowsuit? Could you frame them together in a collage? That would be a nice way to remember it.

DukeofEarlGrey · 05/01/2022 22:23

@GarethKeenanInvestigates

That’s a lovely idea about the photos. I’ll do that.
Oh, it's already been suggested! Smile
dillydallydollydaydream7 · 05/01/2022 22:24

OP I am so sorry your snowsuit has been thrown out, I would be devastated too 😢

I love the photo ideas people have suggested - I know it isn't anywhere near bringing the snowsuit back, but it's a way of capturing precious memories of it being warn Thanks

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/01/2022 22:33

I get it OP, I’d be devastated too Flowers

Meadowbreeze · 05/01/2022 22:39

Oh gosh this made me so sad. I think I would cry a lot. I'm so sorry.

HobgoblinGold · 05/01/2022 22:43

@GarethKeenanInvestigates

I'd be upset too.

I still feel sad about a beautiful Japanese style robe that my sadistic carer threw away when I was a kid. It belonged to my mum who died when I was 2.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 05/01/2022 22:49

I can imagine a lovely big framed collage with an enlarged photo of you and your parents in the middle and photos of the DC around you. Maybe more than one of each child, all in the snowsuit — you could do several versions. Get good-quality reprints and you could make it an artwork as well as a treasured memento.

And I would have been upset too.

BeaLola · 05/01/2022 22:54

I am so sorry OP - that made me a bit teary but it was so lovely to hear your story of your Mum buying it on way home from the Drs , you wearing it and then all 3 of your children

Definitely go the pictures of you all and I would also do the cushion as suggested upthread - something to huggle on the sofa

Mrstwiddle · 05/01/2022 23:06

I know it’s not the same, but it might be worth setting an alert up on eBay for vintage Mothercare snowsuits, it’s amazing what comes up on there.

PiratePetespajamas · 05/01/2022 23:07

Aww, that’s really sad. I’m so sorry for you. I’d be devastated, as I’m sure you are. You’re also lovely, for not being angry at your MIL. But your own feelings are totally valid Flowers

JasmineGarden · 05/01/2022 23:11

@ZenNudist

I'm sorry but I can't imagine keeping a tatty snow suit for 42 years. I guess I'm not sentimental. At the point it was ripped it was probably time to say good bye.
You're not sentimental, but you are bloody rude!
JasmineGarden · 05/01/2022 23:13

@GarethKeenanInvestigates

I'm so sorry. I'd be incredibly upset and FAR less forgiving/understanding than you. Your poor DH having to tell you, knowing how upset you'd be. MIK had no right to throw it out! Sweet if her to buy a new one, but a little common sense would say that's not why you wanted an old one repaired.

theNumbersStation · 05/01/2022 23:17

Things matter.

I’m sorry OP. That properly sucks. Flowers

Chinam · 05/01/2022 23:18

You sound like a lovely daughter in law.

Triotriotrio · 05/01/2022 23:26

I had a treasured crockery item from my nan. My son knocked it off the side in the kitchen and it shattered. My son and I just froze and looked in horroe at it. My sons friend started laughing and my son said "that was really special to my mum". His friend simply stated "well it isn't now". I don't know why, but that stopped me from sobbing and made me laugh instead. I realised that I still had the memories of it (plus it was ugly as hell}, and I hadn't lost that at all.

Not sure if that helps but it helped me.

oatmilk4breakfast · 05/01/2022 23:55

You’re really minimising it which I think just shows you to be a fundamentally good person, but in your shoes I would be gutted. She may have been kind to you but that was such a thoughtless thing to do. I would be calling the council to see if there was any way at all to get it back. My God, I wouldn’t ever put a piece of clothing in the rubbish anyway!! You recycle material! I lost my grandparents (v like parents) to dementia. I’m so sorry about your Dad.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/01/2022 10:20

I don't understand why MIL took it upon herself to chuck it out? Yes buy a new one, but why would you throw the one that's been sent to be sewn away? She had no right to do that.

Some people are very bin-happy - which is fine when it's their stuff; although, as PPs say, the bin is most definitely not the correct place for most old textiles - very lazy and wasteful not to pass it on to charity and/or for rags. It's shocking what some people toss into the landfill skip at the tip - the tip is the place for useless rubbish - NOT for usable items that you just personally no longer want/need. On bin day, I always see a lot of open-lidded overflowing (wonder why that might be) bins with all manner of recyclable stuff spilling out of them; and conversely, obviously non-recyclable landfill stuff in the recycling bins.

Unless it's something obviously useless, like an empty crisp packet, you should ALWAYS check with the owner before binning something that you believe to be no good. Sentimental value IS value: 1,000 photos of a stranger would be worthless to me, but I'm not crass or dim enough not to realise that they do (or did) mean a great deal to that stranger and their loved ones. By the same token, I have tatty, torn, scrappy little old black and white photos of my family members who are no longer with us which mean infinitely more to me than any A3 full-colour sharp high-quality canvas of somebody I don't know ever could.

However well-intentioned somebody might seem, I believe there is an element of controlling behaviour in binning somebody else's stuff. If you're so sure that it is rubbish and that they will agree, why wouldn't you just ask them first to double-check?

I think a lot of parents are guilty of this too: chucking loved items that they think their child is too old for or that are now (in their opinion) no good. It's interesting how often they just happen to think to do this when the child is out at school or asleep Hmm It's nasty and teaches children a very unhealthy lesson indeed. Yes, you can't keep everything - which is why you have the conversation with them, maybe ask them to focus on a few items that mean the most to them and ensure they're genuinely at peace with saying goodbye to the others.

Even in this thread, people are likening one single, precious, baby-sized snowsuit with mass hoarding tendencies.

I'm also at a complete loss as to why the MIL would think that a good-quality item of vintage clothing that somebody had taken the trouble to ask her to repair a seam on would be 'obvious' rubbish for the bin. OP and DH KNOW that you can buy new ones in shops for not a huge amount of money, if that's what you want - it's not like they've been unhappily using it all this time, desperately lamenting the 'fact' that new baby snowsuits somehow aren't made any more these days.

Also, even if OP does sometimes buy vintage clothes from markets/shops/online, it must cross the mind of a person of GP age that something like that may have been in the family for a long time and thus could now have great sentimental value.

However well-meaning, I think she's one of these people who believes that new things are always better and doesn't like to keep old things (which is fine) - but has projected her own preferences and assumptions on to somebody else, which it is absolutely not her place to do.

BoredZelda · 06/01/2022 10:30

Doesn’t matter what it was, she was asked to repair it and she threw it away. Whatever your reasons for keeping it or the condition of it, it wasn’t hers to throw away.

My mum was given a bag for bits of a relatives old favourite toy, could she fix it. She couldn’t so she made a lovely new one. The old bits were handed back.

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