Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

@Juletide

We spent a day at the Ideal Home Show once, but each on our own. He missed the train going, I didn't, so we did all the same things as each other, but with me half hour ahead all day. He never once caught up with me and that included for the trip home.

That's actually really pathetic of him.

i have this problem too,ny DP is so slow i call him The Sloth,if we are going to a party or event i tell him its an hour earlier than it actually is,then i marvel at how hes gone over the time i gave him but i manage to relax because i gave him the wrong time.
If i ask him to fix ,paint etc it will go into days and weeks when it could have been done in a day or two,so now i just do it all myself as its a lot quicker.
Cant stand going on holidays with him because of the laid back attitude at the airport no urgency to get any where.No urgency to come out the bathroom when someone else in the family say they are about to shit themselves,drives me bonkers.

A friend was always 30 minutes late to everything, we were SICK of standing around waiting for the selfish cow, so the rest of us made a pact to tell her an earlier time for every event.
Took her MONTHS to notice, she only found out because she actually turned up at the time we gave and had to wait for us. She was absolutely livid.
I really didn't give a shit. See how you like it.

I suspect my DH of doing this particularly when it’s something he doesn’t want to do as much as me eg going to my parents’ house

@elelel

Or he could organise himself on the plane! It’s not like there isn’t time to kill 😂

They had just got OFF the plane. He was organising the stuff for security - he could not have done it after security.

But he could have done it while coming in to land/in the dead time while waiting for doors to open, and then it would have been all ready and they wouldn't have had to stop and faff on their way to security

Married to a faffer. It's caused massive issues and still does. He's supposed to be going out right now but as usual hasn't accounted for enough time to do the things he needs to do and will be late for the whole of the rest of the day. His 5 minute tasks take at least 25 and it takes him 40 minutes to leave the house. I can't stand it. I don't think it's anything neurodivergent I think it's control. MIL does it, announces she's leaving and will still be in the hall 40 minutes later flapping about whilst we've said goodbye about 10 times.

I refuse to rush and get to everything early. E.g. theatre starts at 7.30. I aim to get to the car park at 7 as no idea what the queues parking will be like, then walk to the theatre, then get a drink and find our seats. All takes at least 20 minutes. DH will look at Google maps, see it takes 25 minutes to drive and plan to set off exactly 25 minutes before the start of the performance not factoring in traffic, queues, ticket checks, drinks and finding seats.

@iklboo

DH is an Arfur. He'll do half a job, then start something else, then something else:

Get home from shopping, start unpacking bags

Finds cat litter - starts cleaning the trays (shopping still on the sides)

Gets the hoover for the bits of litter kicked out by cats (trays still empty)

Decides hoover needs emptying - goes outside to bins (litter still on floor)

Decides to feed birds - (hoover not emptied, still outside on top of bin)

Opens shed to get bird food. Decides to pump DS's bike tyres up (birds not fed, food outside shed)

I finish work & come downstairs to an apocalypse.

You get the idea.

Oh my god, that's DH too! Though he's just started working with someone who does the same and it annoyed him so much that now he's making an effort not to do it himself 😂

Like others have said there's different reasons for this.

My BIL does it but he comes from a family of faffers and has no malice in him whatsoever he's just a bit scatter brained and seems to struggle a bit with executive functioning.

My husband does it and I hate to say it but I think it's a power play. He's late to everything. He's antisocial too so while he's much too "manly" to admit it, perhaps it's a deep seated anxiety that the longer he delays maybe he won't have to go/he'll have to spend less time there. I tell him how rude I find it but it still happens. The last time was before Xmas. We were bringing the DC to a Santa experience thing and he had all morning to get ready. I kept reminding him to get in the shower but he'd make excuses etc. he got in the shower 15 minutes before we were due to leave and took the longest shower ever. He has no bloody hair so I don't know what he was doing in there...

I had got myself and the DC showered, dressed etc and I went into the bathroom and told him we were waiting in the car. He still took his sweet time. I was seething at this point as we had an allotted time slot due to covid and it was a long journey to go just to miss our slot. I went back in again and he still wasn't dressed. "Did you see my trainers?" I told him to stay where he was he was a selfish idiot and drove off without him.

Off topic but do people's husbands talk with you about when they're having a poo? Ewww! They say romance is dead!

@elelel

Exactly - they just got OFF the plane so you do it ON the plane before you get OFF.

Oh, I didn't even think - to be fair I'm not a flyer

No worries 😊 it occurred to me after I posted that if you’d only done trips to Europe you might’ve missed out on all the paper we get with other long haul destinations.

My husband is like this. When my waters broke four weeks early (something I'd been warned would be v serious for this pregnancy and I'd need to get to a hospital ASAP) he left me waiting in the taxi because he'd decided to go back in to get another two pairs of shoes in case he fancied a change.

(He also tried to make the taxi stop so that he could have a moment to think and check through my hospital bag to make sure he had everything. Fine if this was any other situation, but the baby wasn't moving at that point and my priority was really not dying).

My youngest is superb at taking an age to do anything if left to her own devices and finding extra non-related activities to make her even slower - no idea where she gets it from because my husband attacks everything as though he's being timed for monetary reward and I'm methodically efficient.

Reading this thread I think I'm going to have to work out how to give her the tools to be independently not a faffer so she's not invoking the ire of others. At present being only 9, she has me to make sure it's not a problem...that won't last forever, I can't forever stand there supervising and telling her to move and concentrate!

Off topic but do people's husbands talk with you about when they're having a poo? Ewww! They say romance is dead!

Every bloody time. I've told him I don't need to know but he still informs me I'm the opposite and probably verge on prudish when it comes to discussing toilet habits so I wish he would shut up about it but alas he's not going to change now!

Is he old? Sounds like elderly behaviour. Drives me mental!

I'm another wondering how these men hold down jobs?

If they can hold down a job without problems of time keeping and work completion they can do it outside the workplace and are choosing not to bother. This tells you a lot about where you sit in their priorities.

If there is a specific problem or deficit then they need to identify it find ways of managing more effectively without a surrogate mother chasing them up every five minutes.

Its striking how often I hear this about men and how rarely about women. Almost as if women are so used to facilitating mens's lives that they take it for granted.

@ RavingAnnie

Thanks for the book recommendation. I've got the Smart But Scattered one on order from the library.

I've come to the realisation that I probably have inattentive ADHD. I am pretty organised but probably only because I did a job which forced me to. It's the bloody interruptions and procrastination which cause me a problem. My working memory isn't very good either.

It's difficult to operate in a world where everyone is expected to be flexible and change direction at a moment's notice. Life has become more problematic for me as time has gone on as this seems to be the norm now. That and living in a world set up for extroverts and team working!

I do my best to avoid situations where I have to think on my feet too much but it's still not easy.

This sort of behaviour would be a deal breaker to me. Its selfish and makes the person doing it seem a bit simple

In DH's case it's partly that he can't see past what he perceives as the right way to do things. Recently we were going out, were already running late for a variety of reasons, but DH was rooted in front of the mirror doing his hair and tying his tie exactly right. When I suggested he could do all that in the car on the way to our destination (what else are traffic lights for, after all?) he was completely scandalised and couldn't compute it at all.

@Wallawallakoala

Yep. The timing of his poos like PP says!

I've known him cut the grass an hour before we have to be somewhere because "it'll only take a minute" then he has to shower and we arr an hour late.

It's so difficult leaving the house with him and 2 kids. Sometimes when we are all loaded up in the car he will start something it's unbelievable

I've got one of these, he actually will just cut the grass, only be 5 minutes. I laugh to myself and sit and read or mumsnet til hes ready. Difference is these are his events we are late to cos his bloody family or whoever told him the correct time. If it's my event, I tell him a whole hour different. If his friends and family are ok with him being late to everything, why should I give a shit?

I have a Badgerflapper too.

About to go out the door... "I'll just empty the bins"
About to start the car... "This would be a good time to top up the screenwash even though I could have done it an hour ago"
Leaving in10 minutes... "I'll just cut the grass"
Leaving in 20 minutes... "What a great time to start a 1000 piece jigsaw"

@CatOfTheLand

My husband is like this. When my waters broke four weeks early (something I'd been warned would be v serious for this pregnancy and I'd need to get to a hospital ASAP) he left me waiting in the taxi because he'd decided to go back in to get another two pairs of shoes in case he fancied a change.

(He also tried to make the taxi stop so that he could have a moment to think and check through my hospital bag to make sure he had everything. Fine if this was any other situation, but the baby wasn't moving at that point and my priority was really not dying).

Oh jeepers. I would find that hard to forgive, tbh. Selfishness or faffing does not even begin to describe that.

@Franklyfrost

Not everyone can sequence, time and execute things easily. Almost always people aren’t doing it to enjoy you, often it’s frustrating for them too (although maybe not at the time).

I’d be curious to know if there are things that the punctual and organised people find difficult that others seem to be able to do with ease?

I cannot tidy. It never ceases to amaze me how other people can go into a room, fluff a few pillows etc and the room is tidy. As a teenager, I found one trick that would work when my parents lost it with me completely would be to leave the room and come back in. As I walked in, something would catch my eye and I'd fix it. Then I'd have to do it again. And again. And again. If I have to tidy now, I still need to do a version of that and even then, a room I have tidied will NEVER be as tidy as when someone else does it. (and yet I am absolutely clean and if I do the bathroom or kitchen there will never be a single spot missed etc. It's so weird).

On the same type of activity - I can't fold things neatly or stack them neatly. DH and I agreed years ago that he is in charge of the linen and towel cupboards because otherwise it will just be chaos in there.

I don't think it's necessarily controlling, but it is a sign of absolute disrespect for you. It's like people who are always late, in their minds the only important person in the relationship is themselves.

Some people would be late to their own funeral.

I only read the first few replies, and could see a theme coming out that people see the behaviour is passive aggressive or controlling in some way. Perhaps the poor guy just needs to regroup when he goes from one situation to another?
Arriving on the beach, he needs to sort his thoughts out.
Arriving at the airport, same thing.

People have differing levels of capacity. I'm not suggesting any sort of mental impairment, we all have limitations. Maybe he's just doing his best?