Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

I am married to a faffer.

It's all very well saying 'oh, just leave without him' but generally that would mean I drive off with DC to the beach/a theme park/wherever for a day of finding somewhere to park, carrying bags, organising food, being responsible for everything and packing away and he gets to enjoy a nice relaxing day by himself at home.

I imagine that being left behind would incentivise the behaviour rather than the opposite.

I only read the first few replies, and could see a theme coming out that people see the behaviour is passive aggressive or controlling in some way. Perhaps the poor guy just needs to regroup when he goes from one situation to another?
Arriving on the beach, he needs to sort his thoughts out

A luxury only able to be taken as someone else just picks up the slack. Someone else who may find it doesn't necessarily cone easy to them either but who doesn't assume that they will be bailed out without even asking.

Also posts here to seem to think this is a 'man thing'. There have been previous MN threads from women who are on the other side of the coin who say "help, I cannot seem to get out of the house on time I'm driving everybody else and myself crazy what do I do?!?!". Which usually triggers a pile-on from all the organised types who assume the poster is passive aggressive, disrespectful and controlling…

@MonkeyGoneToHeaven

I am married to a faffer.

It's all very well saying 'oh, just leave without him' but generally that would mean I drive off with DC to the beach/a theme park/wherever for a day of finding somewhere to park, carrying bags, organising food, being responsible for everything and packing away and he gets to enjoy a nice relaxing day by himself at home.

I imagine that being left behind would incentivise the behaviour rather than the opposite.

And there you have identified his motivation.

How sad to have a reluctant, resistant partner and parent.

@CrumblyCrimble

Also posts here to seem to think this is a 'man thing'. There have been previous MN threads from women who are on the other side of the coin who say "help, I cannot seem to get out of the house on time I'm driving everybody else and myself crazy what do I do?!?!". Which usually triggers a pile-on from all the organised types who assume the poster is passive aggressive, disrespectful and controlling…

Agreed, I don't see this as gendered, I've known just as many women do this as men.

I'm another wondering how these men hold down jobs?

I suspect one of two things happens. Either they manage to cover it up, blame someone else or are sufficiently senior to be beyond reproach, or they can actually manage their time when it's something they deem sufficiently important to them.

We often have posts here about people who are always late. I remember one a few years ago where some couples would go out for dinner and one couple in particular were always late. This couple split up, and from then on, the woman was always on time and was in fact very punctual. It turned out that it had been an abusive relationship and he had deliberately caused drama every time they were about to go out, in an attempt to isolate her from her friends.

@BlingLoving

• I cannot tidy. It never ceases to amaze me how other people can go into a room, fluff a few pillows etc and the room is tidy. As a teenager, I found one trick that would work when my parents lost it with me completely would be to leave the room and come back in. As I walked in, something would catch my eye and I'd fix it. Then I'd have to do it again. And again. And again. If I have to tidy now, I still need to do a version of that and even then, a room I have tidied will NEVER be as tidy as when someone else does it. (and yet I am absolutely clean and if I do the bathroom or kitchen there will never be a single spot missed etc. It's so weird).

On the same type of activity - I can't fold things neatly or stack them neatly. DH and I agreed years ago that he is in charge of the linen and towel cupboards because otherwise it will just be chaos in there.*

Oh weird. Like your brain sees everything already tidy? That sounds great

@Franklyfrost

Not everyone can sequence, time and execute things easily. Almost always people aren’t doing it to enjoy you, often it’s frustrating for them too (although maybe not at the time).

I’d be curious to know if there are things that the punctual and organised people find difficult that others seem to be able to do with ease?

Yes indeed. One thing I can’t do well is styling or blow drying hair. I can see that hairdressers do this with ease.

However I don’t assume that that hairdressers were born with this magic ability, I assume they learned the correct technique and then practised it over and over again for years.

Yes of course they may be born with better coordination than me. And of course it’s easier doing it on someone who is sitting when you are standing, rather than holding your arms above your own head, which is hard for people with arm or shoulder injuries or weakness.

But I know I’m not good at blow drying. So I avoid it by styling my hair and my childrens in a way that doesn’t need blow drying. If I HAD to do it I’d allow extra time or pay someone else to do it.

I’d not leave LESS time than any professional hairdresser and then expect someone else to step up and sort out my mess.

I’d not shrug my shoulders, complain that I was born without the blow drying gene and play games instead on my phone.

I’d watch YouTube videos and practice.

Or I’d buy better tools and learn how to use them.

Or I’d trade the hair styling chore with another person in my family and I’d take on one of their chores in return.

I'm another wondering how these men hold down jobs?

Not a man but I held down jobs by way of structure, routine and predictability. Getting off a plane or going to the beach are not something o do regularly. Going to work is. Makes things much easier and the more you do the same thing the easier it is to process.

@Sonex

The one that really winds me up is deciding needs a poo at the exact time.we have to leave to be on time for something. I also lie and bring times forward by half an hour so that we aren't late.

The hours I’ve wasted with hubby doing this- drives me insane ...

My best (male) friend is like this. It's as though he can't think through the order of things that need to be done and do them in time. He knows it's a problem, but doesn't seem to be able to fix it. From what I've read, lack of executive function sums it up.

Things that would take me two minutes take him half an hour. And he can no more understand how I can do it in two minutes than I can understand how he can make it last half an hour.

To some degree, he does have time management issues at work too. But he's so brilliantly clever (and puts in so many extra hours because of it) that they put up with it.

There's a reason we're just friends.

As a child I felt I was put into some kind of war.

Holidays Dmum would get us up and ready in early hours of morning - and strapped into car and Ddad would take over an hour checking the house before setting off - then would refuse to stop till we go there and would have a go at us if anone needed the loo. DB as a teen once timed DDad two hours of faffing - DMum was fumming - we have the same on way back plus argument about route.

When at university they used to tell me they'd be there early afternoon to pick me up - always 6 am. I soon realised I'd have to work around this. At other end I'd have an agreed train to get then suddenly find Dmum was hustling me out the door in 5 minutes flat hours earlier for a trian she suddenly decided was better - then criticizing me if I fogot something in the sudden rush.

The faffing was irriating and at times very stressful - lift for work -but being rushed places really early also wasn't great -once two hours early for job interview (we lived rural with really poor public transport) my DMum was near hysterical with me as I refused to go in that early and she woudn't let me get out wander around and wait - went in about 40 minutes early and got told off as no-one to deal with me or place to sit - needless interview went very poorly with me very much on edge.

I think the best thing is to mimimise their impact ie do you work with friend always late would met them their and carry on without them or do count downs to events- that worked for DS teen who seems to have no sense of urgency.

@loloballlolo

I think some people do this as a passive aggressive form of behaviour. It's asserting their control, or annoyance silently in the most annoying way possible. Could this be on purpose OP?

I definitely believed it is for many a control thing.

Liking everyone waiting for them while they do things at THEIR pace.

Driving off is very effective.

Change only comes through self interest.

Never allowing them to be essential to any holiday or outing is key.

Hold all passports but theirs, and head off.

Pack up the car and head with "follow on when it suits you" to anything that you want to be on time for.

You can't change them, but change how you deal with them.

If they are inconvenienced by your actions, they will change.

The key is NOT to show annoyance, but to say with a PA smile " no problem, you follow on when you are ready".

My eldest is like this at times, I have driven away and left him.

Most effective.

my DH is not like this at all but I don't know why not as OMG my ILs are FAFFTASTIC. everything takes f-ing ages, lots of going up / down stairs and round in circles. what to make for dinner invloves so much um-ing and ahh-ing over the different options. JUST MAKE SOMETHING. even christmas day handing over presents to the kids there was loads of ummm... so.... well.... with the present in their hands.... my little one was almost combusting with excitement waiting as they gave the pre-present speech about where they bought it and why.... jeez they drive me demented!

Thankfully I only have myself to deal with, but I am an early bird anyway. But this does mean if I am waiting somewhere for friends, I am feeling murderous thoughts if they are a minute over the time!!

The going to the loo thing just before going out drives me mad!!

When the kids were little DH would say "you get the kids in the car and I'll lock up" then we'd be sitting on the driveway for 10 minutes while he'd go for a leisurely poo!
I started to reverse it, "oh, I've got to grab something from upstairs, YOU get them in the car and I'LL lock up..." and it used to make him LIVID .
After that I just refused to leave the house until we were ALL ready in the hallway, DH included.

I'm sure there was some control/ patriarchal stuff going on too though.

I do think there's a difference between the person who is sitting on the couch doing nothing until 1 minute until departure and then makes everyone wait - that's controlling and selfish etc.

vs the person who is doing stuff but doesn't seem to get anywhere and is then still late. That person is the one who goes upstairs to get dressed but gets side tracked because the bathroom sink is dirty or who needs to iron a shirt but then starts ironing the whole pile instead of just the one shirt. Or who can't find their shirt and spend 15 minutes looking for it when it is right there and they just can't see it and/or they have 10 other shirts that COULD be worn. These are the people who probably have genuine issues such as executive function weaknesses or ADHD.

The second group (DH being in that group) are also like this in work or other social situations. In the case of many men, they get away with it by having other people (usually women) pick up the slack looking at you twatface boss for 2 years or just not being held to the same standard. In other cases (eg DH) they fail miserably until they find jobs that do not require this sort of activity, usually jobs that require repetitive tasks or activities.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been done but I highly recommend this short story to the many posters with this issue...! en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Way_Up_to_Heaven

My DP is a bit of a ditherer, it's not a control thing he's just shit with time.

He does this thing where he refuses to do his final getting ready steps before I am stood by the door with my shoes on. It's like he can't work out when he needs to close the downstairs windows/grab his coat/put his socks on until I'm waiting for him by the door.

He has no concept of stress. He refuses to feel stressed or anxious about any situation and just has an innate assumption that things will work in his favour. His attitude to tasks is 1. 2. 3. 4 and he just won't think of 4 until 1 2 and 3 are done. He also seems to have a complete inability to hurry up a task, like his morning shit. He does not prioritise he just orders. If he has something that has a lot of steps he writes a list and does it 1 2 3 4.

He also needs to figure everything out for himself, so even if I know where we are going he will need to constantly stop to look at Google maps/the signs to check.

He gets to work on time everyday because he gets up at the same time, he follows exactly the same routine and gets to work at the same time. If he is thrown a curveball he just won't compute. Like if I suddenly have to get up at the same time as him he won't recognise that it might take longer because 2 people need to use the bathroom. Or if he needs to fill up his car with fuel, even though he is always 20 minutes early and the task takes 5 minutes he won't be able to do it because he'll be late.

Having been to many work functions over the years, I can confirm he gets by at work because they are all like it. All of them are calm, unstressed ditherers.

I have also worked with many men who are like this at work but because they are higher up in the chain they can delegate their shitness out to junior colleagues. It's easy to be late to the meeting when you are the boss and you can tell your junior to start. They also have lots of admin assistants helping them and a lot of men at work just sit their doing the main task whilst everyone else picks up the slack

@LibbyVonTrap I couldn't get past your OP. Who goes to a beach where you can only spend 30 minutes? What kind of beach is it? Gold dust instead of sand?

I'm not a faffer but it doesn't sound like my idea of a relaxing holiday so I'm with your husband there.

What annoys me is my DH is a faffer but thinks he's the organised one he'll be like come on we need to go as if he's been ready for ages and I've been faffing, when in reality all he's done is get himself ready and I've got myself ready and the communal stuff, then when I'm standing in the hallway coat on keys in hand he'll be all "two seconds, I just need to...[go to loo/do xyz]. So annoying on two counts.

Why is everything a 'control thing' on Mumsnet?

Mine doesn't make us late, he rushes us both around to get ready to leave, then just as we're getting coats on to walk out the door he starts faffing about, forgetting keys/packages/some stupid thing, or he suddenly remembers he MUST do 'X important thing' before we leave. He used to rush me into the car and THEN decide he's not ready. Now I won't get in the car until he's in with his seatbelt fastened.

I now get ready 20-30 minutes before we leave, except for my coat and purse, then I sit in the living room with a drink/cup of coffee, reading or MNing, completely ignoring his mad rushing around doing Very Important Last Minute Things. It drives him mad.

We've been married over 35 years. He's not going to change. So I did.