Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

We call it "faire du faffage" in my house, as it first surfaced as a Thing on French ski holidays. Get off the lift and someone wants to adjust a glove. Then someone else wants to take off a layer, a third persons boots are bothering them... etc, etc, ad infinitum.

"The other thing he does is to appear right in front of me and walk really slowly when I'm just trying to zoom to the end of the kitchen to grab something quickly - we have a long narrow house and his ability to be right underfoot while accomplishing nothing is rivalled only by that of our dog!"
Oh God, standing strategically in the passage to & through the kitchen.
Deliberately blocking the way by walking infront &/or driving slowly.
Me, through clenched teeth. "MOVE"

I am a naturally swift person. I have to build in pauses to allow for other people, to not seem rude.
Take a business meeting, when the meeting ends I characteristically have gathered my papers, put a lid on my pen, put my laptop in my bag. Put the post it notes back on the shelf and put my chair neatly back under the table before anyone else has started getting moving. So I consciously pause at every step, so I am not out of kilter with them. I have no idea why other people are so slow. But there it is. Everyone is different.

@Wallawallakoala

Yep. The timing of his poos like PP says!

I've known him cut the grass an hour before we have to be somewhere because "it'll only take a minute" then he has to shower and we arr an hour late.

It's so difficult leaving the house with him and 2 kids. Sometimes when we are all loaded up in the car he will start something it's unbelievable

Sounds very much like adult ADD. It would drive me insane. My husband has a poo thing too. His is to wait until about ten minutes before someone arrives to service the oil boiler in the downstairs loo, lay flooring upstairs in the ensuite, fix a telly on the wall next to the ensuite, and his very finest hour......go and do a massive poo in the bathroom when the man who had fitted the bathroom was imminently arriving to sign off the work in that bathroom. Perhaps it's a marking his territory thing. It has become a family joke now I have to say "The boiler man is coming at x .Please don't poo in the downstairs toilet this morning . "

My BIL is exactly like this - always has been as long as I’ve known him. Doesn’t matter how late he gets up, even if it’s nearly lunchtime, he has to have breakfast. He’ll decide at the last minute before we set off on a car journey that he needs to wash the windscreen even though he knew we were leaving at a specific time. In a restaurant, he always has to check ingredients with the serving staff before he orders. He has no allergies, he just wants to know what’s exactly in the food.

My sister grumbles but she has to bear the brunt of it, so I don’t say anything. However, since I starting working with SEN children, I think I’ve realised BIL might be either undiagnosed autistic or certainly on the spectrum. If he eats a pudding, for example, he will use his spoon repeatedly and endlessly to get the bowl almost spotless. He corrected me for talking about my debit card, ‘PIN number’ He pointed out that PIN stood for personal identification number so there was no need to say ‘number’ again after PIN and sees it as his right to challenge people he doesn’t believe are entitled to park in disabled bays. This did result in him getting a punch right in the face once!

@FortunesFave

Mine is like this and he has ADHD. But I also think he's just thoughtless at times.

He WON'T learn to clean his teeth at the same time he showers....he actually showers and then gets dressed, ready to go out of the door and EVERY FUCKING TIME he says "Oh...I forgot to brush my teeth"

Almost twenty years of me saying "why don't you do it in the shower?" and he wont or can't.

Bear in mind he doesn't eat breakfast....so could easily do them when he showers.

As someone with ADHD, if dealing with it was as easy as "just do x y z" then it wouldn't be a disorder.

Having poor executive function is mind boggling for others to understand. It sounds ridiculous when I talk about it, even to me. Why do I get stuck in the car unable to get out when I get to where I am going? ("just get out surely?). Why am I unable to start a task, even one I am looking forward to and want to do? ("Just get on with it surely, are you lazy?"). Why can't I stick to any routine such as remembering to brush teeth in the shower "just do x when you do y then you won't have to remember/think about it?" I could go in and on but I can assure you it's not for lack of trying.

The brush teeth in shower thing (in fact anything) is often helped by making things visible. When you have ADHD if you can't see it, it doesn't exist. So leave the toothbrush out in the shower where it can be clearly seen, or having a sign up to say remember to clean teeth.

If you want tips about what works for people with ADHD the book below is amazing. It's all about keeping things as simple as possible and as visible as possible. NB Strategies don't fix ADHD they just will improve things so he'll still likely forget to brush his teeth (probably because if distraction between seeing toothbrush/sign and actually doing task or because he can't initiate) but hopefully this will happen much less than it used to.

Organizing Solutions for People With ADHD: Tips and Tools to Help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1592335128/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabc8VYX2KK80TYXHVNM6S6Q

I f**king hate dithery people.

My DH is like this but tells me to calm down when I get stressed about being late. He will have a shower 10mins before we are due to leave to go somewhere and then come down and start ironing a shirt when we should actually be in the car leaving.

I have started to give him an earlier time if we need to be somewhere. Works a treat.

I have this issue, but with a slight twist. It happens when the rest of the family don't really want to go out for the day, but my husband does. I find something we can do, get the kids to agree (well put up with it), and then get them all ready and waiting by the door.

But it's then he will say "five minutes I just need to finish this" while looking at his laptop. So we stand there for a bit, shoes on, then we float off around the house and get on with something else, still with our coats on. And then finally he will say "ok lets go!" and we set off.

I think he knows we don't want to go, and its been an effort for me to get the kids ready, and now he just wants to make things a teeny bit more annoying for us.

This sometimes results in us missing the small window of good weather we have found, or arriving somewhere just as everyone is starving, as its taken extra time to get out of the house, for the thing HE wanted to do.

Mine does this and it drives me demented. I have realised in later life that he has dyslexia and probable ASD and is not capable of working backwards from the time we need to be somewhere. In his head every local journey takes 10 minutes and if he has to be somewhere at 10.30 he will leave at 10.30. I was convinced it was deliberate but now I don't believe it is, having seen how ND affects our DC in different ways.

I now just tell him the time I want to leave and not when we have to be there.

@flowersforbrains

Sounds like ADHD and/or poor executive function. It presents differently in different people.

I can be a faffer or hyper focused in a crack on type of way.

The faffing is extremely annoying but if someone interrupts me and wants me to change focus my brain is literally ten minutes behind. I tend to deal with it by trying to be ahead and planning. It all falls apart when someone wants me to drop everything and suddenly do something else I wasn't expecting. It can literally send me into a meltdown where I can't think straight.

Don't be annoyed with him. It's just the way his brain is wired in the same way you have to drop everything and act impulsively which would be bloody annoying to me!

You sound very much like me.

I hate faffing, I hate being late. I was brought up with the phrase "better to be an hour early than a minute late". I would much rather sit in a layby round the corner for ages than be late. I look at people who get on planes /buses / whatever late with a mixture of 80% hate 20% wonder because I know if I was late the plane,bus etc would have gone without me. How do they know that it will just wait.

@Pedalpushers

I can't bear being with my DH when he does anything on the computer. It's like he has to read and contemplate the entire page rather than just clicking on the obvious link for what he needs to do. Hovering his cursor all over the place and all the irrelevant things when CLICK HERE DH is flashing at him in the middle of the page. It makes me want to grab the laptop off him, what takes me 2 seconds seems to take him minutes.

Exactly this.

He also made us late for our own wedding - the kind registrar shot me a look of sympathy when we eventually walked in, and proceeded with the ceremony……. some days I’m not sure whether I’m grateful to that registrar or not.

I think some people do this as a passive aggressive form of behaviour. It's asserting their control.

Some people are just disorganised, but this specific deliberate delaying seems to be a thing that some men do in order to feel that things are running to their timetable not their wife or girlfriend's. I'm not even sure all of them do it totally consciously. It's still twatty and infuriating though.

@iklboo

DH is an Arfur. He'll do half a job, then start something else, then something else:

Get home from shopping, start unpacking bags

Finds cat litter - starts cleaning the trays (shopping still on the sides)

Gets the hoover for the bits of litter kicked out by cats (trays still empty)

Decides hoover needs emptying - goes outside to bins (litter still on floor)

Decides to feed birds - (hoover not emptied, still outside on top of bin)

Opens shed to get bird food. Decides to pump DS's bike tyres up (birds not fed, food outside shed)

I finish work & come downstairs to an apocalypse.

You get the idea.

Sounds like he has ADHD.

My DP is a faffer. I love him dearly but it drives me nuts! When we had our 12 week scan I told him that we needed to leave at 9.15.

I got up a ready and came downstairs at 9.10 ready to go. He was still faffing in the kitchen but it wasnt quite time to leave yet. At 9.15 he put bread in the toaster!!

So now we're already late and surprise surprise we also hit traffic on the way so that made us even more late. It's infuriating I really feel for you

We also almost missed my aunties wedding because I told him we need to leave at a certain time but then as soon as we leave he decides to tell me that he needs to stop and get petrol!! We also missed the turning on the motorway because he wasn't paying attention!

I hate being late to anything because I find it disrespectful to the person you're keeping waiting. When the baby is here im sure I'll be late to things because it takes so long to get out of the house but I'm will try my best to keep being on time!

@elelel

Or he could organise himself on the plane! It’s not like there isn’t time to kill 😂

They had just got OFF the plane. He was organising the stuff for security - he could not have done it after security.

Exactly - they just got OFF the plane so you do it ON the plane before you get OFF.

The flight attendants hand out the landing card paperwork on the plane with plenty of time to fill it in before you land and it’s not like there’s anything important to do on the plane. Then you tuck it in your bag with your passport noting where you’ve put them and then you’re ready to go through the checkpoint after landing.

Or you can be like the OP’s DH and not do any of and faff around while everyone else passes you.

Just to add that even when we're late, there doesn't ever seem to be any urgency at all. I'll be quick walking to wherever we need to get to such as an appointment and he'll still be strolling behind at his normal pace!

That felt good to have a rant haha!

My husband is one of 5 and the eldest 3 are on the spectrum . They are also all the victims of an extremely domineering father who didn't allow mess, different opinions or thinking for yourself. As a result he and his siblings do what the spouses call 'the standing thing' because they had to stand and watch their father do everything without being able to participate. As an example...we have a table with removable legs that comes out for summer in the garden. EVERY year he will stand and watch me put all 4 legs back on even if he has 2 of the legs in his actual hands. He will just stand and stare at me until I say " Can you put the 2 legs on please". Christmas, putting the big tree up, "Can you watch the tree while I push it into place at the bottom". He watched the tree as it gently fell sideways towards the window. I shouted "Catch it !! !!". Asked him why he had stood and watched it fall. He replied "You said watch it. I did. You didn't say catch it if it fell".

I would much rather sit in a layby round the corner for ages than be late. I look at people who get on planes /buses / whatever late with a mixture of 80% hate 20% wonder because I know if I was late the plane,bus etc would have gone without me. How do they know that it will just wait

Ha ha you sound like me.

Although I wasn't brought up with that notion. I came to do it because I hated being late as a kid. If we ever went anywhere during the week, after school things like swimming it would be fine because my mum took us on thr bus. But the weekend stuff where my dad drive not so much. He'd tell us we had ti leave as soon as I got back.from.my paper round. So I'd work.my ass off being as quick as possible. Taking double the.load so I didn't have to go back and get the secind half of my round..yes I'd go to the trouble.of wearing 2 bags just so we wouldn't be late..amd every time.id get home everyone would still be in bed.

Every time.

Somehow the fact they were still.in bed was my fault. They thought I'd be late so they didn't worry about getting up

Even as an adult I have had that stunt pulled on me. Hounded almost daily fir a week telling me not to get to theirs late as we had to leave at X time for a wedding.

So I planned ahead. Arranged to drop dd off with angrier mum.at school so I didn't have to wait til they were called in.

I got up an hour earlier than normal to shower amd wash ny hair etc.

All I had to do was get back from the school run change into my outfit which took.2 mins as I'd already done hair and make up etc. Called the taxi the secind I pulled up etc I was not late I was actually a few mins earlier than the time I was meant to be at theirs ( we were all travelling together)

So I get there and my mum.is flapping abkut checking her bag a gazillion times.
My dad is still in his underwear..witg just a shirt and tie on.my brother hadn't even arrived yet.

The reason ? They were worried I was going to be late so they couldn't get ready.

Needless to say I sat amd waited forever while they flapped..channelled the next lot of blame onto my brother who arrived not dressed either. we left late got caught in traffic and my dad have to do a u turn and go a different way.

Apparently everything was OK cos they just made it so there were no issues with any of what happened. Just as well as it would have been my fault I'm.sure

@bollocksthemess

I wonder sometimes if I’m the faffer, but I’m never late and I like to be early. My DH however is like the anti-faffer. If we go out for breakfast at the weekend he can go from fast asleep in bed to dressed and out of the door with the engine running in about three minutes with absolutely no notice apart from him waking up and saying ‘RIGHT’, which is the signal that he’s ready to start his day. Meanwhile I’ve been up for ages, fed the dogs, put them out for a wee, then I’m racing round doing normal things like brushing my hair, putting a bra on, shutting the dogs away, locking up. I’m not a faffer in airports or shops so I’m not as bad as some people’s husbands!

You don’t sound like a ‘gaffer’. You just seem to be doing all the work.

We spent a day at the Ideal Home Show once, but each on our own. He missed the train going, I didn't, so we did all the same things as each other, but with me half hour ahead all day. He never once caught up with me and that included for the trip home.

@AngelinaFibres I had a connecting flight and the first leg was delayed because we had to abort our landing due to wind shear and we did a white knuckled turn around the airport before a safe landing. And then the flight attendant apologetically said that people with the connection to the next city had to run to our other gate. About 20 of us had to run to board a plane ready for take off. Oh the glowering stares! I wanted to tell them all that we spent 15 minutes expecting to crash land, our nerves were shot and we hadn’t been near the airport bar, much as we really really wanted to! I am never late, it wasn’t my fault!! 😂

Not everyone can sequence, time and execute things easily. Almost always people aren’t doing it to enjoy you, often it’s frustrating for them too (although maybe not at the time).

I’d be curious to know if there are things that the punctual and organised people find difficult that others seem to be able to do with ease?

@JaffaCakeGal

I'm a faffer but I hope no-one thinks I do it as some kind of weird control thing or attention seeking

I'm just really poor at estimating how long it will take me to get ready. So I know I need to leave at 10:30 but then I forget that means I need to get downstairs around 10:15 to do my last bits to leave. I also have anxiety about leaving anywhere without having a last wee (even if I just went 10 minutes ago). Sometimes I stall as I am running through everything in my head to check I've not forgotten something as I'm a real "just in case" person.

I don't just stand there gormlessly though I just start the process too late then run around last minute!

Here’s some things that might help.

1. Time yourself getting ready and add on 10% for anything you have you have forgotten. Now that’s your standard MINIMUM getting ready time eg 30 mins. The “ last minute pee “ should be included in that time.

1. Set an alarm for 30 mins before you leave and always ALWAYS stop what you are doing when the alarm sounds and start getting ready. NEVER tell yourself “Oh I’ll just take another 2 mins to finish this task “ because you will forget.

1. If you are the kind of person who needs time to transition them set two alarms eg. 5 mins apart .

1. Write down / use an app for all the last minute things that need done. Then you don’t need to stall any more to run though a list in your head.

1. Make sure that your minimum get ready time INCLUDES any time you need to check any lists.

1. If your journey is out of the ordinary then check times the night before and write a list, working backwards from when you arrive. Use Google maps and transport timetables .

All of this should reduce any stress or anxiety you feel.

Please understand that most people who turn up on time have gone through then above process, consciously or unconsciously. It’s not that they have a magic ability to guess the time that everything takes.

Exactly - they just got OFF the plane so you do it ON the plane before you get OFF.

Oh, I didn't even think - to be fair I'm not a flyer