Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

@NdujaWannaDance

Retirement means they can barely function at all

Very true!

I couldn’t and wouldn’t be with someone like this. My sister is married to a faffer. They were most annoyed the year we were going on holiday together and taking our car to the airport. After waiting 15 minutes and time was ticking faffer was still in the shower so we left their boarding passes and went to the airport without them, they missed the flight. I’m not hanging about for anyone who can’t get organised on time nor will I be made late or get stressed because of their inability to organise themselves.

DP does this. His nervous poo while toddler DD and I are standing at the door drives me insane. So I refuse to move an inch now until he’s been to the toilet and has both his shoes and coat on. This makes him very cross but works well as it gives him time for additional faffing (he goes up the stairs at least twice for example, no idea why) while we get ready. And we don’t have to wait that long for him.

@SpaceOp

I have a faffer. And what irritates me is that I am so often late now because I don't seem to be able/willing to accept that I have to take the lead and do the extra things to get going. So I still plan all preparation on the assumption that it will be done 50/50. And I now have a reputation for being late all the time and it irritates me a LOT.

I don't make new year resolutions but I have been working really hard on accepting that my DH has some strengths and weaknesses, as do I, and to focus on his strengths rather than his weaknesses. In 2022, one of those is going to be accepting that I need to take on the burden of getting ready for things and that means I have to allocate more time. I will be irritated, but I'm hoping the joy of being on TIME is going to outweigh the irritation.

I suspect he will be delighted that he has finally succeeded in his mission of ensuring all of the domestic and emotional is on your shoulders.

But like the PP who shoulders the organisation and work load with her 8 moth twins and toddler and the other PP who does all the chores whilst lazy arse hangs back in bed but can bolt out the door (chore free) in three minutes.

Dd is a faffer. She's dyslexic and I think it's linked. She's learning though. Probably too late for you 😆

My DH is never late for stuff that matters, and even when we go out to meet a friend it regularly happens that I'll tell him we need to leave in about 15 minutes, and he'll immediately put his coat and shoes on and just sit there waiting for 14 minutes.

But, he's also not the stressy organised person that I am. We'll get to the checkin desk at the airport, and as we're called to the desk he'll start looking for his passport and paperwork, rather than do this during the 15 minutes we spent in the queue. On a flight or train I will start organising my stuff 5-10 minutes before we get there so we can swiftly disembark. DH will close his book when we come to a halt and then hold everyone up in the aisle while he sorts out his stuff. In a shop he is the person who will start looking for his wallet after the cashier has rung up all the items.

In some ways I admire how he is just never really in a hurry and doesn't care if he is at the back of the queue and needs to wait an extra 10 minutes to get through passport control. It's just that I am not att all like that which makes it rather frustrating at times.

Or he could organise himself on the plane! It’s not like there isn’t time to kill 😂

They had just got OFF the plane. He was organising the stuff for security - he could not have done it after security.

I don't know that it's necessarily that men are worse for this than women. It's more that mostly women use the site so we're most likely to moan about men doing it. The 'ditherer' women probably aren't going to post 'oh yes I'm AWFUL for this...'

How have all you proactive people ended up with such ditherers though? I can't imagine making it last the 2nd date 😆

my sis does this and i suffer from anxiety so it really stresses me out
does he do this at work

@Alaimo

My DH is never late for stuff that matters, and even when we go out to meet a friend it regularly happens that I'll tell him we need to leave in about 15 minutes, and he'll immediately put his coat and shoes on and just sit there waiting for 14 minutes.

But, he's also not the stressy organised person that I am. We'll get to the checkin desk at the airport, and as we're called to the desk he'll start looking for his passport and paperwork, rather than do this during the 15 minutes we spent in the queue. On a flight or train I will start organising my stuff 5-10 minutes before we get there so we can swiftly disembark. DH will close his book when we come to a halt and then hold everyone up in the aisle while he sorts out his stuff. In a shop he is the person who will start looking for his wallet after the cashier has rung up all the items.

In some ways I admire how he is just never really in a hurry and doesn't care if he is at the back of the queue and needs to wait an extra 10 minutes to get through passport control. It's just that I am not att all like that which makes it rather frustrating at times.

You admire his lack of consideration for other people? I wouldn't. One of my main questions in life when I suspect I am being difficult is 'what if everyone did this?'. What if everyone waited til they were in front of someone to get their shit together?

Are you sure he's not ND too. I do this somewhat and have ADHD (no internal clock, late for everything, poor executive function so try to do "extra" things (like just popping on a wash last minute) without understanding the impact on time - I constantly get frustrated that we arrive places too bloody late but seem incapable of doing things any differently. I also regularly need to check and sort my things/paperwork as I can't remember what I have/where things are etc so faff about with the checking things too or I get very anxious). My son with ADHD and autism has similar issues plus is mindboggling slow leaving the house and getting ready.

I've got one of those. The worst thing is that if we're going out and he forgets something, he blames me for 'rushing him.'

The definition of 'rushing him' being me sitting patiently and silently, ready to go wherever we're going, while he faffs fruitlessly.

I know someone like this (for avoidance of doubt, it isn't DH). What I find particularly annoying is that on the rare occasions when he's ready before anyone else, he's the first to complain if he's kept waiting!

I suspect he will be delighted that he has finally succeeded in his mission of ensuring all of the domestic and emotional is on your shoulders.

Aah, except this is the point of my efforts to focus on respective strengths and weaknesses. He is not good at the rushing/planning stuff so I've now re-allocated tasks in our house that are less time sensitive. PLUS, I no longer feel any guilt if I am sitting on the couch while he's doing chores - because those chores could have been done quicker/ at a different time and it's really not my problem that he didn't.

eg washing is now 90% his problem. It is not unusual for him to be hanging washing out at 10pm because he has no ability to think about putting a load on earlier in 2 minutes to be hung up while the kids are eating dinner, for example. So it's a large domestic chore that he does and I have almost no input on. AND I'm not getting stressed because if he chooses to do it late because he was faffing about doing something else earlier, so be it.

I do 10% see your point but key to being happier has been playing to strengths and weaknesses in a way that doesn't mean I a picking up the slack.

It’s not just dithering that gets me it’s adding extra steps to process.
He’ll move stuff from draining board and pile it up on worktop. Ffs just put it in cupboards, the kitchen is tiny and work surface at a
Premium so I just don’t understand the logic behind it. Any explanations? I’ve asked and just get told to chill!

If I tell DH we need to leave at 10am, this usually means that 10am is when he realises he needs to clean his teeth, find his phone and spend ages lacing his boots up.

I am clearly not alone!

DH will close his book when we come to a halt and then hold everyone up in the aisle while he sorts out his stuff. In a shop he is the person who will start looking for his wallet after the cashier has rung up all the items.

In some ways I admire how he is just never really in a hurry and doesn't care if he is at the back of the queue and needs to wait an extra 10 minutes to get through passport control. It's just that I am not att all like that which makes it rather frustrating at times.

I couldn't admire that at all, I'm afraid. Total lack of consideration for others trying to get on with their journey, or get through a checkout in a shop.

@PurpleSpaceyTwinkles

We have a word for this!

Badgerflapping (verb): to suddenly undertake a difficult or time-consuming task at an inopportune or inconvenient moment.

Named after the time my uncle suddenly decided to cut a ‘badger flap’ in the side gate so that the badger who lived in the back garden could get through to the front garden, just as my aunt and cousins had packed all the suitcases to go on holiday and were sitting ready and waiting in the car…

That is brilliant, I will be using that.

I also love badger flapping!

DH is an Arfur. He'll do half a job, then start something else, then something else:

Get home from shopping, start unpacking bags

Finds cat litter - starts cleaning the trays (shopping still on the sides)

Gets the hoover for the bits of litter kicked out by cats (trays still empty)

Decides hoover needs emptying - goes outside to bins (litter still on floor)

Decides to feed birds - (hoover not emptied, still outside on top of bin)

Opens shed to get bird food. Decides to pump DS's bike tyres up (birds not fed, food outside shed)

I finish work & come downstairs to an apocalypse.

You get the idea.

@PurpleSpaceyTwinkles

We have a word for this!

Badgerflapping (verb): to suddenly undertake a difficult or time-consuming task at an inopportune or inconvenient moment.

Named after the time my uncle suddenly decided to cut a ‘badger flap’ in the side gate so that the badger who lived in the back garden could get through to the front garden, just as my aunt and cousins had packed all the suitcases to go on holiday and were sitting ready and waiting in the car…

Petition to add this to the dictionary.

@Angelou79

It’s not just dithering that gets me it’s adding extra steps to process. He’ll move stuff from draining board and pile it up on worktop. Ffs just put it in cupboards, the kitchen is tiny and work surface at a Premium so I just don’t understand the logic behind it. Any explanations? I’ve asked and just get told to chill!

OMG YES YES YES. MIL does this - takes everything out of the dishwasher and leaves it on the counter. She will then, eventually, put it all away but it's just MINDBLOWING to me.

DH will put everything in the sink, neatly stacked, instead of straight into the dishwasher. Again, absolutely bizarre. He also will only use the top shelf (except for plates) until it's full. So we land up with the top shelf of the dishwasher filled with bowls etc because he can't get his head around putting them on the bottom shelf if the top shelf is open while he's doing glasses/mugs.

On the other hand, he will tidy the lounge, multiple times a day, and do it 500x better than me because I'm just zipping in and attempting to do a half hearted job. So as a rule, I take the kitchen as my space and he does the lounge. He will unload the dishwasher etc, but he does it when I'm not around!

I give the start time as an earlier time - "we need to be at dad's for 12" when it's actually 12:30, for example. DH does this and it makes me stabby.

What would happen if you said 'we are leaving in 15' irrespective of what activities you suddenly discover have to be done. And then when he goes for a poo or starts to faff around at 1 minute to leaving time, you start to drive off?

I've done this sometimes if it's specifically me that has to be on time. I say at the outset, I am leaving at 07:45 whether you are ready or not, and then do so.