Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

@SmallOrFarAway

My ex was like this and for him it was certainly an element of control. His anxiety played into it, such as sitting all morning then suddenly needing a nervous poo at leaving time. We'd be all ready, me having got all the pets sorted, all the kids stuff packed, everyone in the car, plus organised myself. DH would have no responsibility for any of it, and just come strolling down from his leisurely shower, then decides he needs a nervous shit or else wants to find a different coat or whatever, and delay us. Always with various excuses. 'Lost track of time/you worry too much/being late doesn't matter etc etc'. Yet strangely when it was related to his job or his football matches he would never lose track of time or be late. Odd that.

I think some of these men are doing it to control, even if they don't realise it consciously, and some are just too immature and are used to having everything done for them. It's pathetic really. I'm sure a small percentage have a genuine disability or additional need that makes time keeping hard, but I bet the majority are just lazy and disorganised and don't value other's (I.e. women's and children's) time.

I agree, sometimes it's due to a disability but given that most of these men can be on time and organised for work etc I think it's a form of control (often unconscious) and a bias towards other people's, usually women's, time as not being that important. It also places us in the role of a "nag' then they can take the moral high ground. I find with all faffers that they take on this "laid back" persona and it's those of us who are organised who have to be the "cool girl" and adapt. I hate it. The men dicking about with their bags on a plane is so true. I've seen poor women stuck behind them with a baby in one arm and grabbing onto a toddler with the other chaos ensuing whilst these men painstakingly reorganise their bags and take ages putting it in the overhead compartment.

Honestly, I would just leave him behind. This sort of behaviour would lead me to a total breakdown.

[quote WarmForDecember]@SomethingSuss I think we are the same person. Or married to the same person perhaps!

What I hate about DHs faffing is the effect is has on me. It means

1. I am a nag constantly on his case to get a fucking move on. I have to be hyper organised and naggy in order for anything to happen. Left to his own devices no one would leave the house to get anywhere whilst simultaneously nothing getting done in the house.

2. I'm angry and resentful of the fact I've got 3 kids/bags/car ready and only managed to tie my greasy hair out of my face and throw on semi-clean leggings while he strolls downstairs like something from a catalogue. He cannot deviate from his getting ready routine no matter where we are going, or how much of a rush we're in. He has never left our house looking anything other than perfect and groomed and it has taken minimum 45 minutes. Whether he's heading to the tip, the supermarket, the hospital to have a baby, dinner with the queen, doesn't matter - same routine.

3. we are late for stuff. I grew up in a household that was always late and as a consequence it makes me panicky. When it's just me organising stuff I'm on time even with 3 kids in tow.

His faffing turns me into someone I don't like being and casts a shadow over every family day out, event etc. It's very hard to live with.[/quote]
@WarmForDecember I would find him extremely difficult to live with. This thread might ring bells for you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible

The men dicking about with their bags on a plane is so true. I've seen poor women stuck behind them with a baby in one arm and grabbing onto a toddler with the other chaos ensuing whilst these men painstakingly reorganise their bags and take ages putting it in the overhead compartment

Oh yes and back in the days when we "commuted" on trains to "offices", you'd get the guys who'd get on the train, put their bag on the seat and then stand in the aisle slowly taking their coat and suit jacket off and folding it nicely to put on the overhead racks (all the while people were waiting to get past to get to other seats, obvs).

He cannot deviate from his getting ready routine no matter where we are going, or how much of a rush we're in

yes I think there are a lot of people like this - a bit like the friends I mentioned upthread. But then you have to get up earlier/start getting ready earlier!

@JuergenSchwarzwald

The men dicking about with their bags on a plane is so true. I've seen poor women stuck behind them with a baby in one arm and grabbing onto a toddler with the other chaos ensuing whilst these men painstakingly reorganise their bags and take ages putting it in the overhead compartment

Oh yes and back in the days when we "commuted" on trains to "offices", you'd get the guys who'd get on the train, put their bag on the seat and then stand in the aisle slowly taking their coat and suit jacket off and folding it nicely to put on the overhead racks (all the while people were waiting to get past to get to other seats, obvs).

I remember this well when I had to travel all over the UK on trains for work... unbearable

@JuergenSchwarzwald

The men dicking about with their bags on a plane is so true. I've seen poor women stuck behind them with a baby in one arm and grabbing onto a toddler with the other chaos ensuing whilst these men painstakingly reorganise their bags and take ages putting it in the overhead compartment

Oh yes and back in the days when we "commuted" on trains to "offices", you'd get the guys who'd get on the train, put their bag on the seat and then stand in the aisle slowly taking their coat and suit jacket off and folding it nicely to put on the overhead racks (all the while people were waiting to get past to get to other seats, obvs).

This is where it's useful that I have a loud voice. I'm always super happy to loudly ask them to please excuse me, just going past with a child. Big smile and cheery "Thank YOU!" as they glare uncomfortably half squished back into their seat with stuff falling out of the bag. It's fun, try it.

Yes, men's spatial awareness does seem extraordinarily poor, on average. They often seem to have no awareness at all of what is going on around them.

I find this when out walking or running. If I come up behind a group of people, while moving at greater speed, women will typically hear me approaching and move aside, men will be oblivious. Then when I call out 'excuse me' or 'coming past on your right' (which I think is more helpful), the men look shocked and surprised. As if it hadn't occurred to them that other people might exist in public space.

Having said that, most of the poor time management, procrastination etc described on this thread is equal opportunity. It's just that this site is dominated by heterosexual women, so the examples that drive MN users mad are of men.

@AngelinaFibres
How does he manage at work if he is incapable of independent thought?

The space thing is so true. When crossing a concourse at a station, they just try to walk through you so you move aside.the first time i decided not to, while a bit painful, was massively satisfying just to see the look on the bloke's face as he realised I wasn't, as a woman, just going to defer.

DH has a rare day off today. I told him that I'd get up with the kids and take them to school then go work at a coffee shop so he can have a proper lie in and chill. He said that he did need to be up at a decent time as he wants to build his new desk, which is a fairly large undertaking as the desk is very large and has multiple parts and is also much larger than his old one so he has to do some rejigging of his office set up.

Sure enough, he had a bit of a lie in but is up by 8. Today is the first day of proper frost so as I leave, he says he'll take the dog for a walk early because she LOVES rolling in frosty grass.

I got back at 10:45... as he was leaving with the dog. If I thought he'd been sitting around drinking coffee, I'd have said, "good for you DH, you deserve a chilled out day". Except, he's emptied the dishwasher and moved the dining room table - obviously in preparation for getting stuff out of his office to make space - but that's it. I am 10% certain that if I ask him, he will say he's been busy since I left over 2 hours before.

I feel sorry for him because in this instance, he will be irritated that nothing is being done but he won't see that it's because he's faffing. In situations where he knows that it's his poor organisation that is the problem, he can and does work to overcome it. But in too many instances, he's not willing or able to see that.

Ah you have a Last Minute Larry too🥴. I feel for you as it's infuriating & I hope yours has lots of redeeming qualities to make up for it, thankfully mine does, but I could still cheerfully bury him under the patio at times.

I never tell mine the correct time to be anywhere, but anything from 15 minutes to half hour earlier, depending on how he is being at the time. I've even reset the bathroom clock to hurry him up too. This usually works okay

Sonex
The one that really winds me up is deciding needs a poo at the exact time.we have to leave to be on time for something. I also lie and bring times forward by half an hour so that we aren't late.

are you married to my DH too

Does he decide to do the bins/recycling/cat litter/clean his shoes just as you're walking out of the door too

Ahhhhh....the classic avoidance poo....
Kind of worrying that so many of us are eyeing up our patios right now!

@BlingLoving

DH has a rare day off today. I told him that I'd get up with the kids and take them to school then go work at a coffee shop so he can have a proper lie in and chill. He said that he did need to be up at a decent time as he wants to build his new desk, which is a fairly large undertaking as the desk is very large and has multiple parts and is also much larger than his old one so he has to do some rejigging of his office set up.

Sure enough, he had a bit of a lie in but is up by 8. Today is the first day of proper frost so as I leave, he says he'll take the dog for a walk early because she LOVES rolling in frosty grass.

I got back at 10:45... as he was leaving with the dog. If I thought he'd been sitting around drinking coffee, I'd have said, "good for you DH, you deserve a chilled out day". Except, he's emptied the dishwasher and moved the dining room table - obviously in preparation for getting stuff out of his office to make space - but that's it. I am 10% certain that if I ask him, he will say he's been busy since I left over 2 hours before.

I feel sorry for him because in this instance, he will be irritated that nothing is being done but he won't see that it's because he's faffing. In situations where he knows that it's his poor organisation that is the problem, he can and does work to overcome it. But in too many instances, he's not willing or able to see that.

OH MY God.

He walked the dog. Has now cleared his office to make space. No desk building has started and he's now obsessed with figuring out if a piece of furniture in his office which needs to be gotten rid of due to new desk, should go in DS' room. For clarity, DS' room was recently fixed up with a lovely new desk and storage unit and for th first time in years, is looking pretty good. Plus, the piece of furniture that would need to be removed from his room has drawers for his clothes, while the new one only has some low shelves....

I'm feeling quite annoyed, not least because I know he will complain that he didn't have time to do his desk.

@murasaki

The space thing is so true. When crossing a concourse at a station, they just try to walk through you so you move aside.the first time i decided not to, while a bit painful, was massively satisfying just to see the look on the bloke's face as he realised I wasn't, as a woman, just going to defer.

Playing Patriarchy Chicken!

murasaki
The space thing is so true. When crossing a concourse at a station, they just try to walk through you so you move aside.the first time i decided not to, while a bit painful, was massively satisfying just to see the look on the bloke's face as he realised I wasn't, as a woman, just going to defer.

Playing Patriarchy Chicken!

I do this, complete with my best Paddington death stare, it's very satisfying to see them so shocked & scuttling away with their heads down😆. I didn't know this had a name 😂

@BrightYellowDaffodil

I'm another wondering how these men hold down jobs?

I suspect one of two things happens. Either they manage to cover it up, blame someone else or are sufficiently senior to be beyond reproach, or they can actually manage their time when it's something they deem sufficiently important to them.

Mine has always worked for himself, he wouldn’t last 5 minutes working with or for someone else 😡

To be fair I know a few self employed types that are like this, only those running small just them "businesses' though, they can't stand being "restricted" by someone elses routine and therefore work for themselves. In both cases (women) they are hobby jobs and they have partners grafting hard so they can continue what is essentially a hobby. Disclaimer: I know this doesn't apply to all self employed people.

I'm another wondering how these men hold down jobs?

MY DH was very senior in a role for a long time prior to redundancy & then becoming self employed. I realised it's a company set up with a strict set of rules to follow & implement, no quick changes & having to think on your feet, unlike my own industry. Procedures were written in stone if anything went wrong. He thrived in that kind of environment & only became self employed as it's easier finding work at his age & there's no similar industries locally & we didn't want to move. He does well now as once he's a perfectionist, once he gets going. It's getting him going that's the hard bit

Christ, I can't be doing with this.

I have diagnosed ADHD and ASD (diagnosed 10 years ago, so Asperger's) and used to be so chronically late and disorganised to the point that I lost jobs and friendships over it, so I had to get my act together - I am the ND poster girl.

I have to live in an NT world (including a very senior professional role with a lot of responsibilities), so I now have a whole wheen of coping strategies that I have evolved over the years to deal with this, including lists, diaries, alarms and 'trigger points'.

If I, as an ND person, can get my shit together to this extent to manage my job, social life and personal relationships, then there's no fucking excuse for a presumably NT adult to dick about to such an extent.

@RockinHorseShit

I'm another wondering how these men hold down jobs?

MY DH was very senior in a role for a long time prior to redundancy & then becoming self employed. I realised it's a company set up with a strict set of rules to follow & implement, no quick changes & having to think on your feet, unlike my own industry. Procedures were written in stone if anything went wrong. He thrived in that kind of environment & only became self employed as it's easier finding work at his age & there's no similar industries locally & we didn't want to move. He does well now as once he's a perfectionist, once he gets going. It's getting him going that's the hard bit

A lot of men like these are also the ones who work the crazy hours (leaving their DPs to do all the childcare and home stuff). I am certain that it's due to disorganisation. In one of the many jobs DH did NOT do well in, I used to get so frustrated because it was minimum wage and supposed to be strictly 9-5 and yet he always was home late, often working nights etc. I realise now it's because he did not have basic organisational skills and so the tasks were taking him longer.

And I've worked with plenty of them - who seem to take 4x as long to get tasks done, necessitating longer hours and then irritatingly, being lauded as the best workers, being promoted etc. Absolutely infuriating.

Not the point but who goes all the way to Thailand then all the way to some isolated “once in a lifetime beach” for THIRTY MINUTES?!!!!

I bet it isn’t actually a once in a lifetime experience, which a revolving door of Instagrammers and tick listers rocking up for half an hour!

I'm like your husband. My whole family tell me the time to be somewhere is 15 mins earlier. Even my teenagers do it now.
I started to wonder why my husband had stopped getting frustrated at my lack of timing. It was then I discovered he was telling me his adjusted time!

I play Patriarchy Chicken sometimes. The best was when I was carrying a bronze sculpture of a pig - it was a Christmas present - and the best way to hold this heavy item was tucked under my arm at just below shoulder height. I kept dodging people until I got fed up and let someone walk into me. It was a woman and she screamed: "Oww!" and stared at me in shock and pain. I bet she had the two bruises on her arm from those bronze ears into the New Year.

It was satisfying. Obviously women can be dicks/have no spatial awareness/concern for other people just like men.