Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

I can relate to this on both sides. I’m a complete faffer. If you walk it right back it’s rooted in worry and anxiety. I don’t trust myself to have got everything so I try to over plan and over prepare for things and I often feel like my OH is underprepared so I worry for the both of us.

On the other hand the taking himself off for a poo at the most ridiculous and inconvenient times is my OH all over. Doesn’t even attempt to be quick. He’ll sit on the sofa for ages and then when I need to do something he’ll just get up and lock himself away on the It reduced me to tears a few times during my mat leave when he’d disappear while it was my time to get showered and make myself feel almost human and brushing my hair/getting dressed but I’d be trying to do it with a crying clingy baby!

I’m trying to work on the first bit by reminding myself I’m a competent adult and if I’ve forgotten something or need the loo when I get in the car it’s not the end of the world! (The second bit I’m working on by just taking the time back out of his time as he still does it while I’m trying to get ready for work. If he’s late for work then so be it)

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

He is a faffer, you are organised. Sounds like us, so I will lurk in case someone has useful advice.

Sounds like me and DH. I’m organised. He is not.

He doesn’t appreciate that I start work at 9. So need to be ready to work by 9. So need to be in the office by 850 at the latest so I can de coat settle and make a cup of tea. To do this I need to drop the kids off at nursery absolutely no later than 830. We need to leave the house by 8. He regularly gets out of bed and in the shower at 745.

I’ve started leaving when the kids and I are ready.

So OP, why did you not find this out before you married him?

@Werk why are you with this man? It's unfair to single you out because loads of other women have expressed dissatisfaction with their husbands but you specified that his reason is control.

There are things my husband does that annoy me and there are things I do that annoy him. But if it ever got really bad we are in a position to leave. I assume most people on this thread are not in physically or financially abusive relationships. What on earth makes them want to stay when their partners are so offensive?

And I can't be the only woman who's been stuck behind a female faffer fretting about the overhead locker on the plane when I just want to sit down.

A woman on the Gatwick Express objected to me putting my case on top of hers because it was by Louis Vuitton.

@limitedperiodonly

A woman on the Gatwick Express objected to me putting my case on top of hers because it was by Louis Vuitton.

Hilarious. So what did you do?

I'd love to see what would happen if someone else came along with a Louis Vuitton suitcase. Would they be allowed to put it on top? Or what if someone came along with another/more expensive brand like Hermes?

Sounds like my DH. Drives me insane.

MsMarch this would be why just as I'm clearing up at the end of the day I'm deluged by emails with "urgent" requests.

For whatever reason people have faffed about for most of the day - ok, I appreciate that they may be mega-busy or in meetings or whatever but I'm expected to drop everything and deal with it. The fact that I might have a plan for my day or can't work after hours never seems to occur to them.

DS (13) is like this, and it drives me mad!! He does have ASD and ADHD so I don't know if that is relevant, but he has always been completely incapable of 'hurrying'. We have to steer him back onto task every morning or he'd never get to school! And yes to the poo thing. Just why...???

DH and DD are the opposite, they're always in a rush. I'm sort of in between. But I feel your pain...

It's never just as simple as LTB, is it?

He has his issues. He has autistic traits.

I just call him out on it, every time and I can see him suddenly realise that, yes, he is doing this.
Christmas he genuinely didn't think he was doing it but the next day he apologised.

I am far from perfect too.

@Werk
You know it's for control, why would you stay with someone who controls and ruins days out for
your family.
Please don't blame autism,
it's insulting.
My DS is an adult with Aspergers and doesn't behave like a nasty cunt and blame his Aspergers.

Mine is like this too. I cant tell you how often myself and dc are standing by the door
In coats and hats and boots and he runs back upstairs to look for something

It drives me mad. I have no patience.

@LibbyVonTrap my DH is a pee!?

He’ll be faffing about for ages before we leave, not look for keys /pets/children’s needs and need prompted to do so.
Then a pee as were literally leaving the premises with the front door open
He also would rather miss a bus or train than run a few steps.
And then declare he doesn’t know whether he switched the iron off. Every time.
One time we were boarding an actual plane, DH had the app with the tickets , and he’d been ignoring the software updates but at THIS moment , hit “ update” and his phone pretty much shut down for 30 mins. The cabin crew were like “ fuck it. You’re flying to XX whether you like it or not now sit down”. I was murderous
His faffing is now amplified by me being pre irritated and it can get to new and amazing levels.
Not telling the taxi driver where we’re going. Not checking receipts.
Letting people skip a queue because he won’t say anything and I was momentarily distracted
Sudden onset dementia when using his bank card - all because he knows I’ll be cross if he faffs. Vicious idiotic circles. I call him Frank Spencer.

He does things in a completely illogical order too.
Making spaghetti? Wait til the meats cooked and done and THEN put the pasta on for eg!?

Last week, when running late ( we have a small baby!) I just told him he wasn’t going for a pee !

This may sound harsh but to those married to faffers, will be sympathetic lol

He sounds like my FIL.
I live in fear my husband will turn into his dad, he already faffs a bit!

@twoshedsjackson

My friend's husband was (partly) cured of this with a little help from me. She had a toddler to wrangle, and a musician DH (who was never late for paying gigs) if she wanted to arrive early at church for rehearsal using the one family car. He would need to entertain the toddler while rehearsal proceeded, so put off the hassle by disappearing for a leisurely poo at the critical moment, meaning that she either waited for him, and was late, or used public transport (Sunday bus service not so reliable). So I suggested that it would be easier if I diverted my route slightly, collected her in my car, and left him to follow on with their DS in the family car. The first time I did this, I remember the wail of dismay drifting out from the toilet as he realised that he could take as long as he needed, but would be in sole charge of his DS when he emerged. He was cross about it, but constrained by the need to keep up the "nice guy" appearance.

I think you might just be THE model BFF.

@BlusteryLake

I think lots of people do this for attention and to make the situation about them. I hate it.

I'm sure this is right. Friend's son does this kind of attention seeking all the time with her ....except with me. If we are going at 10am I get in the car and drive off. He is 52. He doesn't do it with me. Controlling personality. The op needs to address this now, although I don't understand how this has continued for so long.

Ooh this thread gives me the rage. DH is a faffer.

Last week we lost two parking spots in a busy multi storey as he was faffing. Both times, somebody stole the spots. He just shrugged.

If we have to be somewhere, just as we leave, he suggests a cup of tea. His parents are the same. Always late, family of faffers. I have also taken to lying about timings.

Having a shit before we go? Yup. He always announces he needs the bathroom, like going to the loo is an event. Women just get on with it and do not need to announce bowel movements.

Dinner time? He just has to clean up some imaginary crumbs, wash a plate, check tyre pressures. Dinner gets cold.

Forms? Jeez, it takes forever. Buying electrical items? We have to read 'Which? TV/pc/toaster/letter opener guides every time.

The list could go on.

He just sounds anxious to me. Like he feels he needs to prepare himself for everything. Reading your OP, I actually felt sorry for him.

It can be anxiety-driven. Mine is the same and it does my head in. It's not he wants to control me, he wants to put off dealing with the event. And he gets waylaid. Me: Come to the table please, I'm just serving up. Him: oh, I left my phone upstairs. Disappears for 10 mins, runs in all a-fluster. Sorry, I forgot. Aagghh!

My husband does this sort of thing. In our early days, in restaurants etc, we’d agree we were ready to leave, stand-up and I’d be out the door walking away before realising he wasn’t with me. I’d wait around a little while. Eventually, I’d go back inside to see him methodically going through his stuff - card he’d used ✔️ wallet ✔️ put card in wallet ✔️ wallet in pocket ✔️ Phone ✔️ phone in pocket ✔️ keys . . . . . . you get the picture! turned out, he has OCD. It drove me a bit nuts for a while, but I’ve adapted. It’s part of him and I love him. Like another poster, I tend to tell him we need to leave the house earlier than we really do and I anticipate the faffing elsewhere. For documents at airports etc, I take charge of them. He can relax then because he knows any problem won’t be “his fault” - the common fear of those with OCD is that their own behaviour/lack of checking etc will cause a serious problem.

If your husband has OCD, you need to adapt to it if you want the relationship to succeed. He can’t just switch it off. Medication can reduce the symptoms by reducing the underlying anxiety, but full on OCD never goes away. My husband’s symptoms are much improved since he went on medication and I’m a Psychologist by profession, but we still have to manage it!

I believe it's about motivation & control.

My DH is a faffer. Me & DC will be in the car & he says he's off to the loo for a poo. He dithers over everything if we're going out . Housework is put off with small gestures until I do it myself then gets annoyed as he said he'd do it. If he has to do something small with finances, like the bank account he's meant to have closed for past year & insurance that need tweaking, it keeps getting put off. Still hasn't done it... but he will.... (Hence I take care of finances. He works in finance so this is a cakewalk for him to do).

However, he moves at lightning speed if it's about his hobby group. Organised, early, pays his membership on time, deals with most of their paperwork, events & transport to get everyone places. We get shoved aside in his enthusiasm to get there.

So I know 100% it's motivational. It really, really, peeves me off. It's going to change, too. I'm returning to work soon & he can step up or step out.

@LibbyVonTrap
You have my sympathies.
He sounds exactly like my partner.
Everything is done in slow motion, faffing, always forgets something, wants to check something, go to the loo.
When we pull up somewhere, I will get out the car and be halfway across a car park before he has even undone his seatbelt.
Frustrating!!!!

@twoshedsjackson

My friend's husband was (partly) cured of this with a little help from me. She had a toddler to wrangle, and a musician DH (who was never late for paying gigs) if she wanted to arrive early at church for rehearsal using the one family car. He would need to entertain the toddler while rehearsal proceeded, so put off the hassle by disappearing for a leisurely poo at the critical moment, meaning that she either waited for him, and was late, or used public transport (Sunday bus service not so reliable). So I suggested that it would be easier if I diverted my route slightly, collected her in my car, and left him to follow on with their DS in the family car. The first time I did this, I remember the wail of dismay drifting out from the toilet as he realised that he could take as long as he needed, but would be in sole charge of his DS when he emerged. He was cross about it, but constrained by the need to keep up the "nice guy" appearance.

Brilliant! I love the 'wail of dismay' line.

In your DH’s case, OP, I think it’s about anxiety, not control.

My DH does this and so does my 13 year old which is more normal I guess. My DH even walks slowly when he is apparently “rushing”,I also do what a previous poster does and tell him earlier times for everything! It’s hard work. He says it’s down to his dyslexia 🤷‍♀️