Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

Urgh I have one of these except he actually stands over me asking me over and over if I'm nearly ready as we're going to be late if not, then starts getting ready once I am and I'm left waiting by the door until he makes us utterly late.
He then starts the ultimate faff.

Oh car keys what car keys I thought you had the car keys. Door keys? Have you got yours -starts looking for his when he definitely doesn't need them- has anyone seen one of my shoes. One because he appears to have lost a foot the last time he wore them.

Drives me insane.

Are you suggesting that it'snevera control issue? Because with my ex it damn well was. He would be on time for anything to do with his family and friends, but suddenly would be missing this ability when it came of an event with my family and friends. Ditto anything I had organised, it was like he had to scupper my efforts. God forbid I eventhoughtabout being late for anythinghe'dorganised, mind

It really is amazing how when the chance to delay you or disturb u is removed that the problems no longer exist. That's how we know its a control thing. That and when u test it out, u nip back in.for something so they are now waiting fir u and you see the cogs whirring about how om earth they can create another issue without being obvious that they just wanted to make u have to wait for them.

I'm a slow faffer ( never late as I hate tardiness.)
I work out what time I need to go somewhere then plan my faffing accordingly.
It means I'm always prepared. Unlike when my husband jumps up and says " let's got to...now"

So I faff by checking that the back door's shut ( it isn't) that the dog's water bowl is full, that window's are shut ( usually not) that most internal doors are shut ( to keep dog out, but they're not) get shopping bags, have a wee, get my bag and coat. All while husband gets fed up of waiting, accuses me of faffing and goes and sits in the car.

I get internal squeals of delight when he realises that he's forgotten his phone ( with bank cards in it) and he hasn't got a raincoat ( as it's pouring!)

Faffing and tardiness aren't the same thing.

I’m married to one. He’s turned into his df who’s a complete faffer, even taking ages talking and getting to the point. Dh wasn’t always like this. I’m like a coiled spring (with a limp) and I like yo get on with things.
If we leave the house, he’s the last. No, he’s not organising the kids, that’s me doing it. God knows what he’s doing. We sit in the car waiting for him. I’ve already sent the kids round the house switching off lights and I’ve checked the doors.
Anyone with a Scooby Do know what he’s doing, please let me know? 🙏

I can’t bear faffers but I would never have married one

Oh this would drive me over the edge!

DH isn't that bad but I recall getting really pissed off when I had spent hours making a meal, I'd call everyone and then DH would suddenly start to fold laundry or something stupid like that. It stopped after I just binned his dinner when he started picking at the laundry basket instead. When he (clearly angry his dinner was dumped) asked why the hell I had done that, I simply told him that as he didn't bother coming to get it I figured he didn't actually want it.
He comes to dinner promptly now.
I did similar with picking up from his rare evenings out. He'd call for a lift (I am happy to do it) and he would acknowledge my arrival and then turn back and start chatting. One night After 25 minutes of this shite I just drove away. I went home while he ran up the street waving his arms at me in my rear view mirror. Now he knows a quick goodbye is fine but standing round carrying his night on while I sit in the car watching and wearing my PJs like a fucking idiot is not happening. Knowing we're in a village with no taxis and no safe road for him to walk home has taught him dithering is bad.

I'd say don't start fibbing about times. Just do what I do and leave when you should. Minus one DH. He'll learn his antics don't get him the kind of attention he wants.

@AngelinaFibres

My husband is one of 5 and the eldest 3 are on the spectrum . They are also all the victims of an extremely domineering father who didn't allow mess, different opinions or thinking for yourself. As a result he and his siblings do what the spouses call 'the standing thing' because they had to stand and watch their father do everything without being able to participate. As an example...we have a table with removable legs that comes out for summer in the garden. EVERY year he will stand and watch me put all 4 legs back on even if he has 2 of the legs in his actual hands. He will just stand and stare at me until I say " Can you put the 2 legs on please". Christmas, putting the big tree up, "Can you watch the tree while I push it into place at the bottom". He watched the tree as it gently fell sideways towards the window. I shouted "Catch it !! !!". Asked him why he had stood and watched it fall. He replied "You said watch it. I did. You didn't say catch it if it fell".

I genuinely cannot begin to imagine how frustrating that must be, that it would not occur to him, to stop the tree falling, because you had not issued that particular instruction.

15 pages of this so its clearly an issue, but the thing that's standing out for me is the word "faffing" because it makes it sound like a jolly little foible. To me this is non-negotiable, it would be a deal breaker because I see it as controlling and vindictive.

My H would stay in bed, then come downstairs at noon knowing the kids wanted to go out and had been waiting all morning and then start to prepare breakfast; if I challenged him he'd say "am I not even allowed to have any breakfast in my own house?" I think some (but not all) of the accounts in the previous posts are on this level yet they are written as anecdotes, what a cheeky chappie etc. I just don't get it, but its thought provoking - I find it so upsetting, others seem to just laugh it off

I don't think anything beats middle-aged blokes sorting out their bags on plane for faffing and I'm convinced that they do this for territorial reasons. I really don't see why, having spent half an hour waiting in the departure lounge, they need to get on the plane and THEN start reorganising what is in which bag, but it always happens.

To me this is non-negotiable, it would be a deal breaker because I see it as controlling and vindictive
Faffing is not controlling or vindictive in our relationship at all. It wouldnt even cross my mind to get annoyed about it. He was like that 35 years ago when I met him and is still the same. He always insists on being early and make sure we have everything. I'm more flighty and have been caught out several times but DH never gets mad at me either

This thread made me feel better. I get annoyed that my bf is a faffer but thankfully not in everyday life. Like we leave on time to stuff. But he can somehow just not get things done. Like he absolutely needs to go to the gym for his mental health so he can't come to a thing. That's fine, wasn't important but somehow he manages not to go there until later int he day cause he was so busy (?). Also, he needed to sort out some stuff and organise a storage. Somehow this took 4 weeks (5 boxes) and in the mean time he couldn't sort out anything else.

I don't know how most of you can bear to be with faffers if you are so well organised. If it's intolerable just live alone or team up with another really well organised person and fight it out.

For 30 years I've been with a person who needs to believe he is well-organised and without him we would all go to hell in a handbasket. He and you are fooling yourselves. It's as infuriating living with someone who thinks they know best as you think it is living with a faffer. When I need to I wrest back control but I love him and know he means well so I let him get on with things and keep an eye.

I expect that what's most people married to control freaks do. We can all deal with shit. Often we have to when our beloved control freaks drop the ball because they insist on juggling so much. But mostly we let you get on with it for a quiet life.

What I've learned as a supposed faffer is never to take my eye off the ball.

DH doesn’t faff but had no sense of urgency. If we are going to an appointment we’ll agree a time to
Leave the house and at that moment he goes to the toilet…couldn’t do it 5 minutes earlier. Then he ambles along whilst my blood pressure is at steaming point. Mil, now that’s a right faffer!

@FangsForTheMemory

I don't think anything beats middle-aged blokes sorting out their bags on plane for faffing and I'm convinced that they do this for territorial reasons. I really don't see why, having spent half an hour waiting in the departure lounge, they need to get on the plane and THEN start reorganising what is in which bag, but it always happens.

Oh yes, and blocking the aisle as they do so, despite pleas from the airline staff to step in out of the way so that everyone else can get on the damn plane.

I couldn't live like that. I can barely read the thread the disrespect of others time is making me so.amnoyed!

LTB!!

@StaplesCorner

15 pages of this so its clearly an issue, but the thing that's standing out for me is the word "faffing" because it makes it sound like a jolly little foible. To me this is non-negotiable, it would be a deal breaker because I see it as controlling and vindictive.

My H would stay in bed, then come downstairs at noon knowing the kids wanted to go out and had been waiting all morning and then start to prepare breakfast; if I challenged him he'd say "am I not even allowed to have any breakfast in my own house?" I think some (but not all) of the accounts in the previous posts are on this level yet they are written as anecdotes, what a cheeky chappie etc. I just don't get it, but its thought provoking - I find it so upsetting, others seem to just laugh it off

I agree. It would drive me up the walls, tbh.

Mine does not like to wait for anything. So I think, in his mind, he needs to make sure we are ready at a certain time so he does not need to wait for us.
Problem is, only then will he clean his teeth and find his shoes.
Then he needs to poo. Followed by checking all doors and windows.
On his way to the car, he needs to check the pool and skim the leaves.
I used to get DC ready and wait in the car, now we wait until he has done his poo and got his shoes on. Still needs to check and skim pool though.
I have anxiety related to being late for things, he hates waiting, so we have learned to compromise and agree to a time that takes into account my need to be really early for flights, and his need to have a minimal wait. I do find it less stressful traveling without him, as I can stick to my own time frame.

@limitedperiodonly

I don't know how most of you can bear to be with faffers if you are so well organised. If it's intolerable just live alone or team up with another really well organised person and fight it out.

For 30 years I've been with a person who needs to believe he is well-organised and without him we would all go to hell in a handbasket. He and you are fooling yourselves. It's as infuriating living with someone who thinks they know best as you think it is living with a faffer. When I need to I wrest back control but I love him and know he means well so I let him get on with things and keep an eye.

I expect that what's most people married to control freaks do. We can all deal with shit. Often we have to when our beloved control freaks drop the ball because they insist on juggling so much. But mostly we let you get on with it for a quiet life.

What I've learned as a supposed faffer is never to take my eye off the ball.

If it was intolerable then I guess we would all leave our faffers. Or like I do, we lie about the time we need to leave, but apparently that's a bad thing too. Even though I only lie about the time when it affects me. If its affecting him and his family I dont care what time we get out the door. He does have other redeeming features and I'm pretty sure I've got things about me that DP could create a new patio for, yet my redeeming features make up for it.

My dp is like this. He is lovely in so many ways but i think it is a bit passive aggressive. He's not a dominant , aggressive type so gets a bit of control bk by faffing. Its not malicious...its upbringing.

@CharityDingle because of cobwebs apparently .
I know full well it was because he felt " rushed" because he had slept in. Like he had an overview of how the day would go in his head and even though he got up 2 hours late he was still following his own plan, which is fine IF we didnt have a time slot booked.
He is not often like this but now that he is retired it's becoming more frequent.

I don't doubt that some men faff as a form of control. But, if we can accept that some children are neurodiverse, what do we think happens to those children when they grow up? Maturity helps, but it doesn't magically solve problems with timekeeping and executive function

I don't think anyone is saying different. However the sheer number of men I've come across like this whilst simultaneously managing to be remarkably well organised in their careers and hobbies would argue more in favour other reasons and a general expectation that women do their life admin.

Interestingly adults I know and work with diagnosed with neurodiverse conditions such as ADHD are not particularly badly organised day to day because they put strategies in place to cope.

Sometimes people are just low grade passive aggressive arses to their nearest and dearest.

@SomethingSuss I think we are the same person. Or married to the same person perhaps!

What I hate about DHs faffing is the effect is has on me. It means

1. I am a nag constantly on his case to get a fucking move on. I have to be hyper organised and naggy in order for anything to happen. Left to his own devices no one would leave the house to get anywhere whilst simultaneously nothing getting done in the house.

2. I'm angry and resentful of the fact I've got 3 kids/bags/car ready and only managed to tie my greasy hair out of my face and throw on semi-clean leggings while he strolls downstairs like something from a catalogue. He cannot deviate from his getting ready routine no matter where we are going, or how much of a rush we're in. He has never left our house looking anything other than perfect and groomed and it has taken minimum 45 minutes. Whether he's heading to the tip, the supermarket, the hospital to have a baby, dinner with the queen, doesn't matter - same routine.

3. we are late for stuff. I grew up in a household that was always late and as a consequence it makes me panicky. When it's just me organising stuff I'm on time even with 3 kids in tow.

His faffing turns me into someone I don't like being and casts a shadow over every family day out, event etc. It's very hard to live with.

@limitedperiodonly who on earth goes to the beach at 2pm. I go at 8 and am home by 11 before it gets too hot. But then I live in Sydney and 35 degrees in the midday sun with a weak ozone layer is no joke.

Hmm I think I'm a little bit like this. Here's what happened today.
We have a little rental house for holiday makers. I had a list of things to do before 2pm when guests arrived. Important last minute things such as stock up loo paper, check internet is working and sweep the drive. First two were easy. When I got to the driveway bit I then decided to dead head some flowers and pull up some weeds. I hate a job half done so instead I covered the driveway with more of my garden waste. It took longer than I expected so my guests arrived and had to pick their way through a drive full of detritus. The exact opposite of what I had intended. I was furious with myself but also pleased at the job done.

I don't know why I suddenly start full blown projects minutes before another thing. I think it's a great idea because I have 15 minutes spare and 'surely that's how long it will take' and I think how pleased I will be to have another task off my list.

Often the same at work. I'll finish something and realise I've got 15 minutes to my next meeting. I'm early! Well done me! Ill congratulate myself on my timeliness and I'll then start a complicated email or make a phone call 'because thats loads of time' ... and end up being 10 minutes late...

My ex was like this and for him it was certainly an element of control. His anxiety played into it, such as sitting all morning then suddenly needing a nervous poo at leaving time. We'd be all ready, me having got all the pets sorted, all the kids stuff packed, everyone in the car, plus organised myself. DH would have no responsibility for any of it, and just come strolling down from his leisurely shower, then decides he needs a nervous shit or else wants to find a different coat or whatever, and delay us. Always with various excuses. 'Lost track of time/you worry too much/being late doesn't matter etc etc'. Yet strangely when it was related to his job or his football matches he would never lose track of time or be late. Odd that.

I think some of these men are doing it to control, even if they don't realise it consciously, and some are just too immature and are used to having everything done for them. It's pathetic really. I'm sure a small percentage have a genuine disability or additional need that makes time keeping hard, but I bet the majority are just lazy and disorganised and don't value other's (I.e. women's and children's) time.