Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

@Blueberryflavour

My adult son has ADHD and he doesn’t faff at all, I know many other adults diagnosed with ADHD who don’t faff so I don’t recognise it as being a particular ADHD trait. My DSIS on the other hand is NT and is an absolute nightmare for faffing I don’t think I recall an occasion that she has ever been on time, including my wedding and our other sibling’s wedding. It was only by a huge group effort that she wasn’t late for our dad’s funeral. Years ago my mum actually offered to pay for a holiday for me and DSIS to go to a place I had always wanted to go to, I said no as I couldn’t bear the thought of dealing with my DSIS’s faff for a fortnight and missing flights, sight seeing trips etc and her never getting up and out before lunchtime.

I think as PP said, those who faff for whatever reason need to know that others should and will just go on without them, and eventually minimise contact. It is unreasonable to expect others to miss trains, flights, movies, and reservations, plus lose a lot of money.

Ah yes the starting a new conversation alert just as we're supposed to be leaving... torture! One time he even followed a mate down the street ranting at him about something.

I have ADHD and dyspraxia and am never late, I know it takes me a while to organise myself so I allow that time even if it means getting up mega early. I'm i previous career as a nurse, working shifts you simply couldn't be late, so I had to develop strategies to get there on time. A friend of mine was always 40 minutes late meeting me, but on time for work, important meetings, flights etc. I refused to put up with it, had words and now she's early! She thought I was "laid back" enough to dick me about. She was wrong!

I have been told that my need to check things is faffing by IL - but I'm not holding anyone up as I'm one waiting for them to lock the front door.

They used to think it odd I'd check tickets/timetables plan journeys/ check door locked - but I have dsylexia and dyspraxia and I know there can be weakness in organisation so effort and time get put in.

Last few years they've started doing similar because they forgot to lock door was a common thing then they got burgled and had to get an alarm to feel safe - had several mad dashes back for passport tickets/ forgot wallets which is fine once or twice but more than that starts to piss people off.

i do have short cuts - one bag - MIL insists thats' odd - always has purse and inhalers in always in same place - keys in bag or on hook - coat currently using same place as bag and masks in pockets - spare in bag. It's all prepared and in working order so I can just pick up and go.

This thread reminds me of the Roald Dahl story from Tales of the Unexpected - faffing can have dire consequences! The story is a brilliant read but here's a link to the tv episode...

DP is like this too. I think it to show who is boss.

My DH is the opposite. We have to be everywhere at least an hour early. Can be nearly as frustrating to be honest!

@sweetbellyhigh

I think different people do this for different reason.

Some are passive

Some are controlling

Some are very poor at time management

Some are wading through treacle-like anxiety which hampers their every thought and move

I think this needs repeating.

There isn't just one reason for faffing, there are several.

But yes, there are definitely some people who use faffing as a means of control.

All those people who are saying this is a control issue really need to read up on ADHD and executive function, cognitive flexibility and slow processing speed.

www.understood.org/articles/en/what-is-executive-function

I understand people who find it hard getting annoyed with the rest of us who are getting frustrated and impatient. Even more so when it’s a result of any kind of neuro divergence.

However, the problem is when these things are used as an excuse and/or it means the other person is being left to feel anxious and stressed and/or to do everything. I accept that DH is not good at planning, but I nonetheless massively resented that I was the one who had to get myself ready, get the DC ready, organise anything we needed for our trip out etc and all he was doing was getting himself ready - and usually not on time.

Finding compromises where he makes more effort to compensate for his deficits while I also make more effort to be understanding and compassionate is what has helped us.

I have a very very mild physical disability of sorts. As a child, I was resentful if my family or friends did not constantly remember to accommodate me. As I matured, I realised that was only fair up to a point. Today, the vast bulk of people I know don’t know I have this disability, the few who do have it cause zero impact on their life and in DH’s case, it means I might ask him (not expect him to magically know) when I need a little extra help and he is completely happy to give me that help as and when it is needed.

@bananabuddy3 I wouldn't go to the beach before 2pm. I'd be horrified at someone who wanted to get there before noon.

13 years ago tonight I was in labour with DS2 (and had been for a good long while - I seem to go for 48 hrs of frequent contractions that get very very gradually stronger). Told DH that the time had come and we needed to go to the hospital NOW. "I'll just have a quick shower" he said. My reply has gone down in family legend and is not repeatable here. Especially since he then hot-footed it out the front door only to say "whoops, I'll just defrost the car" (neither of us had thought about that one!). DS was born about 10 mins after arriving at the hospital, my waters having broken over DHs new shoes in the lift .

"Just a quick shower?" and "defrost the car?" with a good dose of still get him moving.

On the other hand, DS1 with some dyslexia and slow processing has needed a bit of transition management help (mostly just forewarning) since he was little. He's now coming up to a-level. I still do this for him out of habit, and it does work for adults too. So if it is genuine transition-struggle then it's fairly easy to be gentle about it.

@OutOfRoutine

Didn't know this was so common, DH is the same. The main one is going to brush his teeth when we are already late and all the kids are all ready strapped in the car as he said he was ready.

In general I find our productivity levels so different. On Sunday I fed newborn, dressed toddler, hoovered the entire house then played with them for a couple of hours. During that time he had put the baby swing away into its box. Thats it. And the box wasn't even back in the loft yet. So he said to make up for it he would clean the bathroom but he was gone a couple of hours doing that while I juggled both kids, hanging laundry and making lunch.

It's infuriating but I feel bad even saying anything as he is genuinely trying to be as helpful as possible.

You shouldn't feel bad at all for saying it. He gets to avoid pretty much all the work, both housework and caring for the children by dragging out one small task.

It's not a case of him being 'helpful' surely, if both of you live in the house and are parents to the kids, he should be pulling his weight.

All those people who are saying this is a control issue really need to read up on ADHD and executive function, cognitive flexibility and slow processing speed.

Are you suggesting that it's never a control issue? Because with my ex it damn well was. He would be on time for anything to do with his family and friends, but suddenly would be missing this ability when it came of an event with my family and friends. Ditto anything I had organised, it was like he had to scupper my efforts. God forbid I even thought about being late for anything he'd organised, mind

Love badgerflapping!! The faff is mostly gone here but I expect I was thought to be the faffer for awhile because I wasn't in a constant state of cat like readiness. Finally snapped one day when I said I could be ready in 20 mins but he had to do DDs bag. Came down, empty bag still in his hand. "You didn't tell me what to pack" "well we're going to the playground, not visiting anyone after or calling to the shops? Just her crack pipe and the gloc then USE YOUR HEAD". Strangely enough that helped the splitting what needs to be done to all be ready to leave at the same time.

My husband is absolutely amazing at getting out of the door himself but then we are sat in the car and he fucks about with the answer machine or checking his diary. Drives me insane.

Omg I think my DH is a bigamist we have this argument constantly! He moves through life on a dithery go-slow and I’m constantly moving, pushing, organising! Lurking for any helpful advice!

@OutOfRoutine

Didn't know this was so common, DH is the same. The main one is going to brush his teeth when we are already late and all the kids are all ready strapped in the car as he said he was ready.

In general I find our productivity levels so different. On Sunday I fed newborn, dressed toddler, hoovered the entire house then played with them for a couple of hours. During that time he had put the baby swing away into its box. Thats it. And the box wasn't even back in the loft yet. So he said to make up for it he would clean the bathroom but he was gone a couple of hours doing that while I juggled both kids, hanging laundry and making lunch.

It's infuriating but I feel bad even saying anything as he is genuinely trying to be as helpful as possible.

A few HOURS cleaning the bathroom? Is it in Versailles. I feel murderous just reading that....

We need to leave at 7:40. When I'm taking the DC to school, I will start yelling at them to get their shoes on about 7.30 to make sure that by 7.40, we are all in the car with all our bags, ready to go.

When DH takes them, he has coffee. Breakfast. Watches news. Another coffee. 7.30.... goes for a shower. Aaargh..

Take a chill pill ;)

@BrightYellowDaffodil

All those people who are saying this is a control issue really need to read up on ADHD and executive function, cognitive flexibility and slow processing speed.

Are you suggesting that it's never a control issue? Because with my ex it damn well was. He would be on time for anything to do with his family and friends, but suddenly would be missing this ability when it came of an event with my family and friends. Ditto anything I had organised, it was like he had to scupper my efforts. God forbid I even thought about being late for anything he'd organised, mind

No, because that would be a massive generalisation. It is still possible to be a controlling arsehole and not have ADHD funnily enough.

Lots of people have just jumped on the controlling, lazy, timewasting, useless bandwagon on this thread without the consideration that it could be ADHD or issues with executive function.

It appears on the surface that this is more of problem with blokes because many women with ADHD mask their problems as expectations on girls are generally different to boys. Girls are expected to be people pleasers, be organised and do their homework. Boys generally don't care as much and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. They get away with it because 'they're just boys'.

@LtGreggs

13 years ago tonight I was in labour with DS2 (and had been for a good long while - I seem to go for 48 hrs of frequent contractions that get very very gradually stronger). Told DH that the time had come and we needed to go to the hospital NOW. "I'll just have a quick shower" he said. My reply has gone down in family legend and is not repeatable here. Especially since he then hot-footed it out the front door only to say "whoops, I'll just defrost the car" (neither of us had thought about that one!). DS was born about 10 mins after arriving at the hospital, my waters having broken over DHs new shoes in the lift .

"Just a quick shower?" and "defrost the car?" with a good dose of still get him moving.

On the other hand, DS1 with some dyslexia and slow processing has needed a bit of transition management help (mostly just forewarning) since he was little. He's now coming up to a-level. I still do this for him out of habit, and it does work for adults too. So if it is genuine transition-struggle then it's fairly easy to be gentle about it.

I know someone like that. Not my DH. It's a need for control but not controlling per se. It's more a superstitious conviction that nothing bad can happen unless they are ready for it so if they delay they can hold it off.

Obviously this is nonsense but I've seen it. Someone actually believed someone else wouldn't die if they weren't there. They did and she wasn't there.

I have learned to say "Oh fuck you, I'm going" with my DH because I am stoical and he thinks this means it is not important and he can control it. It's a desire for self-soothing.

He goes all out for people who make a stupid hullabaloo when there is nothing wrong with them. Therefore I have learned to stop being a brave little soldier and to make a right fucking fuss.

I do not lie to people though. I have nothing but contempt for smartarses who boast about lying to people like: "I always tell them it's an hour earlier." We know what they are doing and go along with it. It's yet another manifestation of some people's need for control.

I'm afraid I lie if it means he'll be ready on time, maybe I'm controlling, so be it. It's never ok to keep people waiting when I know full will when it's their own time and reputation that's on the line they'll be on time! I also just leave once me and DC are ready and just say "we'll see you there". It has caused huge relationship breaking rows to be honest. DH oldest closest friends I've noticed most up and leave and don't wait for him I've noticed, as they've learnt like I have that hanging round and cajoling just perpetuates the faff.

@Sundancerintherain

DH is occasionally like this. Example- NYD we had a slot to see his elderly aunt who is in a nursing home. I'm ready to leave . Him - I'll just check the oil tank

• I'll let the dogs out for a wee ( I'd already done it )
• let's take the other car ( the one that's blocked in )

And finally......... I need another shower after checking the oil tank ( sad face) I admit I lost my shit at this point and told him that it was incredibly selfish to book the slot and not use it so I was going without him. He was then apologising/ rushing to get out of the door. In his case I think its because it wasnt how he saw the day going, we had never had to book a slot before so he , in his little mind, thought it could be flexible.

The mind boggles as to why he needed a shower after checking the oil tank. Unless he jumped into it and swam around...

Yes. This is my husband exactly.

My ex is a prize faffer.

What I really hated was the last minute getting ready at top speed & then the swoop out of the front door around the time we were supposed to already be at least halfway to our destination, with a cheery "come on, hurry up" to DS & I who'd both been ready for ages & were by this time off guard & left running behind as if we'd held him up