Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

I'm well aware that some of these traits can be caused by things like ADHD or ASD and would absolutely be sympathetic and tolerant in that case. That doesn't mean that people aren't allowed to moan about these behaviours in their own NT partners and family members. In many cases this is about husbands or partners who are perfectly capable of being efficient when it suits them!

@crazyjinglist

I'm well aware that some of these traits can be caused by things like ADHD or ASD and would absolutely be sympathetic and tolerant in that case. That doesn't mean that people aren't allowed to moan about these behaviours in their own NT partners and family members. In many cases this is about husbands or partners who are perfectly capable of being efficient when it suits them!

Yep. That can be ADHD/ASD too...I'm way more efficient when my hyperfocus (special interest/something I love) is involved - when it suits me, you might say. I'd clearly annoy the fuck out of many on here. But...it's important to say these things on a public forum because no-one would have ever suspected I was neurodiverse. Until my 40s I was a NT faffer, people would have said the exact same of me. My anxiety, self loathing and unhappiness was out of control. Now I can be kind to myself, my life is one million times better...and I want that world for others and for my DS. There are huge numbers of un-diagnosed neurodiversities out there.

So many of these things your find so annoying are social conventions invented to suit the neurotypical world.

Some are, but others aren't. Such as planes, trains and cinema screenings being on a schedule and not being able to be held up for Brian to check one more time he has his wallet and keys.

And as for 'lack of compassion', I don't doubt that's the case in some instances. But I've also noticed how many of the posts here are people describing how anxious, stressed and upset these habits of their partners make them feel, and that the partners' reaction is very often total indifference to that. Seems like compassion is a one way street.

It's not reasonable to assume that all the faffers are ND. Some people don't make the effort because they can't be arsed or because they know other people will fill in the gaps for them. In saying that, the end result is the same. My DP has ADHD. I mentioned his faffing upthread. It still causes me a lot of stress, even though I make allowances for him. I'm allowed to feel anxious and fed up about constantly being late because of him. I count too. Ringing ahead and apologising that you're about to be late because your partner has ADHD probably wouldn't be understood by most.

@TheAirbender

Of course the world/society can and should change. It's changed in ways people wouldn't have thought reasonable or possible over and over again throughout history. Accepting that the status quo is all that will ever be and all that ever can be is short sighted and unacceptable, given the pain that it can cause to significant numbers of people.

How can it change though? Trains need to run to a timetable. Children need to arrive at school on time. If you have a job, you need to be there at your starting time. If you have a meeting, everyone has to be there for the start of it.

Adaptations can be made for a lot of disabilities and conditions, but sometimes there just isn't a way to change things for everyone, to fit a minority. I know it's awful for those who struggle to fit with how the world works. My entire professional life was in this area, and I have a family member and a best friend who have this constant struggle to 'fit'.

But when it comes to organisation around time, the rest of the world can't adapt to people randomly turning up/being ready whenever they can without pain.

If the ND can't help 'faffing' - I use that word as it is the main one used here, not because I am totally happy with the term, in these cases, I'm not - that's ok, but the NT have a total right to never arrange to meet with them for somethat that involves a strict start time if that works better for them.

I used to get so stressed with holiday packing - DH used to be quite scathing to me about it.

I have a printed Excel list for my holiday packing and start at least a week before we are due to go. DH puts it off and puts it off, and makes fun of my list. He ends up throwing things into his case on the morning of departure, and then about every half an hour on the journey, he thinks of something else he's forgotten ...

There can be some interesting non ND elements to lateness in business which can be cultural or personal: relationship vs task focus.

You have two meetings booked>

Meeting A booked with your relationship focussed colleague. The meeting starts a little late because your colleague bumped into someone else they needed to catch up with. The meeting starts with pleasantries and comes to a natural conclusion but overruns by an hour.

Meeting B booked with your task focussed colleague starts on time, finishes on time with either the task being completed or an additional date being set. No pleasantries.

If you book Meeting A before Meeting B then it is likely that the colleague in Meeting B will get very annoyed and will possibly refuse further meetings. Answer is to have Meeting B before Meeting A.

Dont, whatever you do, allow the two colleagues to meet each other. They will drive each other up the wall with Meeting A person considering Meeting B person rude and abrupt and Meeting B person considering Meeting A person rude and a faffer.

...many of the posts here are people describing how anxious, stressed and upset these habits of their partners make them feel, and that the partners' reaction is very often total indifference to that. Seems like compassion is a one way street.

Yes. I travel a lot with my best friend. And us getting to the airport on time fills me with stress. We agreed to actually meet up at the airport to save me having to witness the faffing, but one time we did that, it got to last call with me wondering whether I should get on the plane alone or just give up on the trip completely.

To be fair to him, he has tried to adapt to my need to get there in plenty of time. But it's taken many years to get to that point. And it's only by fixing an arrival time that is an hour, sometimes two, before we actually need to be there.

But yes, understanding needs to flow both ways.

@mam0918

I find it bizarre people claiming we non-faffers are being ableists or that it is mostly due to things like dyslexia, ADHD, autism etc...

I'm the one with dyslexia, my mam is the one with autism, my DS has learning difficulties (the full scope of diagnosis still under investigation) NOT my husband (the faffer) who is the one that has no neurological issues.

His annoying personal traits are nothing to do with disabilities and those of us in the family with those conditions do not have those traits so its just so odd people are jumping to a 'disability' conclusion.

I just explained my slow processing is due to autism.

Nobody is 'jumping' to a disability conclusion, people are suggesting it as a genuine possibility for some peoples faffing.

I do the last minute wee as well but I wouldn't do it if I was going to hold anyone up for something important.

The holiday example above reminds me of friends we have. We would not get on if we saw each other more often. We're morning people, they are evening people. We take 5 mins in the bathroom, they take 35. I don't know how they hold their jobs down. They came to visit and we went to a local swimming pool. After we'd swum, DS and I were out and waiting in the cafe after about 10 minutes. It took them another 20 or so. Goodness knows what they were doing! They still had wet hair, so it wasn't hair-drying.

There can be some interesting non ND elements to lateness in business which can be cultural or personal: relationship vs task focus

It's a good point. Although I think in business a lot of people are late for meetings because it makes them look busy and have more important things to do and more interesting people to meet than you. Ditto leaving a meeting early to get to the next one (still, at least they are going to the next one on time!)

@saraclara routines and structure will always be needed, I get that, but an increase in compassion for/acceptance of/awareness of those who struggle with these things would be a fantastic societal change. Being on time isn't about morality, or being a decent person, however golden a virtue it is to Brits. I live in the Middle East, where timeliness is valued, yes, esp at work, but likewise where being late isn't some huge offensive failing. I try very hard to fit in, my kids are almost always on time for school etc - so do most people who struggle, I'd like to see people who don't have those same challenges try very hard to accept that other people are wired differently. Hence my posts.

I have many family members with this issue, in their case it is because they have slow processing related to dyslexia and other diagnoses. It does drive me mad though, but luckily they have many positive attributes to make for it!

DH used to be a faffer but he has got a lot better after 25 yrs of marriage and I have got more relaxed. Unfortunately one of the DC is a faffer.

I have been to that beach you talk about, OP, and luckily DH did not faff. But the DC did and missed their chance. They didn't care much.

Sounds like my OH who always needs a #2 just as we're about to leave the house 🙄🙄🙄

I have a friend who is a massive faffer. She is late for everything. Literally, she will have a flight to catch but be taking a leisurely bath. She was late for her own destination wedding and left a dress she needed behind. She has missed umpteen flights and lost a lot of money.It's become a sort of joke. I doubt she has any medical conditions.

I have stopped travelling with her or indeed making any plans beyond meeting in a restaurant because she is guaranteed to be always late and sometimes even miss the whole event. I always turn up late if I have to meet her because I know she will be.

@mushroom3

ADHD? There are a lot of undiagnosed adults out there!

My friend's son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I do see a lot of familiar traits within my DH, so that combined with his toilet phobia does mean I give him a lot more slack than I might otherwise.

Now I can see the reasons for it, it is making it easier to live with. That and experience. I'm quite used to sitting back in the living room with my coat on, looking at my phone while I wait for him to finish his loo trip! Thankfully even so, he's still pretty good at time keeping. I think he's subconsciously built in an extra 5 minutes to every journey himself!

@saraclara Did you get on the plane in the end?

[quote tectonicplates]@saraclara Did you get on the plane in the end?[/quote]
He ran up just in time. We were last to board.

I have this argument fairly often with my husband. He has adhd and ocd so there are reasons why he behaves like this- he's easily distracted and or concerned about safety so needs to double check the hob is off, windows shut, doors locked, garage shut etc.

It didn't really bother me till we had a baby who screamed blue murder if you weren't quick putting her in her car seat and getting going. Plus the whole timing her naps where 10 minutes can make a huge difference to being overtired.

No advice really but I find it helpful to remember he finds my behaviour annoying too. Feels I rush and am needlessly clumsy because I don't do things 'properly'.

My adult son has ADHD and he doesn’t faff at all, I know many other adults diagnosed with ADHD who don’t faff so I don’t recognise it as being a particular ADHD trait. My DSIS on the other hand is NT and is an absolute nightmare for faffing I don’t think I recall an occasion that she has ever been on time, including my wedding and our other sibling’s wedding. It was only by a huge group effort that she wasn’t late for our dad’s funeral. Years ago my mum actually offered to pay for a holiday for me and DSIS to go to a place I had always wanted to go to, I said no as I couldn’t bear the thought of dealing with my DSIS’s faff for a fortnight and missing flights, sight seeing trips etc and her never getting up and out before lunchtime.

My faffer seems to have gotten worse with age. Most annoying occasion was when he volunteered to help with the big Christmas supermarket shop a number of years ago. I was clear that I wanted to be leaving the house at 0700 to be there at 0730. You can guess the rest. Supermarket was heaving. I didn't even ask him to go in the first place.

Strangely with trains and planes it is the opposite and he wants to the first on first off. In the days when we took low-cost flights with non allocated seats it was a complete nightmare of standing (not sitting) round the gate in order to be first to leg it on. Thankfully haven't done that in a while.
Trains he has to be packed up and preferably standing in the aisle 5 mins before scheduled arrival time. I have been known to stay in my seat. I have never been not able to get off.

Is anyone else's OH the same, where he has loads of time to get stuff done, i.e. An entire morning before work, but then has to rush around like a headless chicken getting stuff done last minute in order to get to work on time? And then says he has no time to do stuff? But when you point out he's had an entire morning and what was he doing instead, the answer is a "I was busy!" WITH WHAT?!? YOU'VE ACHIEVED NOTHING ALL MORNING! 😂

@DahliaMacNamara

Mine does this. Not, thankfully, for time-critical events, but if we're going out for the day, he'll say 'I just need to do x and y - it'll take me about an hour', which is fine, no rush, but in my heart I know that x will take over an hour by itself, before he's even started on y, so I might as well resign myself to having some lunch at home, instead of eating out, except that he insists we'll be out by 11. We never ever are. And to put the tin lid on it, when he finally is ready to depart, I'm expected to spring immediately to the door, as if I've been in stasis for the last three hours and can now be released.

I tend to not go to DPs family events after one famous time that will live on when he said I'll only be 10 minutes per visit and driving time. 8 hours later he had visited the three families that should have all been done and home in less than 3 hours. And that's a generous estimate of how long it should have been. After all that fucking about, the original reason for going to one house was forgotten and he had to go back a day or so later. I cannot muster enthusiasm for such visits anymore so I dont go. I spent a lot of the time that day plastering a smile on despite wanting to bury DP under the nearest patio. I even saw some family members wince when DP started yet another conversation about nothing, this after saying we're only staying 10 minutes.