Slow Faffing DH

[LibbyVonTrap]

DH seems to do everything in slow motion. He’s always faffing!!
Example - we step off a plane in the USA - airport is surprisingly quiet - there are no queues at security …. I can’t believe our luck and start making my way to security only for DH to shout me back. I turn to find him stood with paperwork in hand glancing around saying “hold on a minute, we need to work it out” … at that point a huge crowd of people are rushing towards him heading for security. We ended up right at the back of the queue.

Another example - we went to a famous isolated beach in Thailand - was told we would only have 30 minutes on the beach before we would have to leave again. Everyone jumped off the boat and went swimming (swimming at this place is a once in a lifetime thing). We get off the boat, I start stripping off to go swimming and DH says “hold on a minute, we need to find a toilet first and then we should sort the bags out”. Already sick of his faffing by now I said “nope! Going swimming! Cya!” and left him stood there on the beach looking all concerned.

Another example - we were late for a dog training session. Started at 10am - 15 minute drive - it’s now 09:45. I’m shouting at him “hurry up!!! We’re going to be late!!!” He comes out saying “ok ok, I’m coming”. He gets out the house, locks the door and then looks at his shoes and starts brushing muck off them as if we have all the time in the world!!

Why does he do this?? He also likes to get to cinema after the film has started. Drives me insane.

I had to stop reading the thread a few messages in because I have a faffer at home and I'm getting palpitations just thinking about it!! Suffice to say we are rarely on time for anything, or if we are it's by the skin of our teeth. I HATE IT!! The thing is, I'm a very disorganised person myself, but I take the time and trouble to overcompensate for it. He does naff all.

@Lemonyfuckit

What annoys me is my DH is a faffer but thinks he's the organised one he'll be like come on we need to go as if he's been ready for ages and I've been faffing, when in reality all he's done is get himself ready and I've got myself ready and the communal stuff, then when I'm standing in the hallway coat on keys in hand he'll be all "two seconds, I just need to...[go to loo/do xyz]. So annoying on two counts.

I used to get so stressed with holiday packing - DH used to be quite scathing to me about it.

I realised I was packing for 4 people and the family stuff - and often doing my stuff last - and he was packing just for him. As the kids got older they started copying me - making lists checking - making sure stuff was being washed and dried early - even contribnutint to the family stuff like sun screen - and the stress dropped away.

Also had an eye opening experience when he was late back from work trip and we were doing a birthday party - I got on with everything but one thing only he could do - VR set- and for first time every I wasn't stressed and harried before hand- he was and very irritated I wasn't.

I realised I hadn't had to rework tasks as wasn't having to wait till he wanted them done - or said he'd help and then usually go off and wasn't being interrupted when his stuff wasn't working. It was so subtle I thought it was all me. Once I saw that I found ways to deal with it.

I have an exDH (together 13 yrs) and DP ( together 8 yrs) an neither was or is a faffer thank god so I don't think it's a man thing as the faffers in exdhs family are his mum and sister. In DPs family it's his mum.

I have no faffers in my family only that Dmum and DSIS insist using the loo is a must before leaving the house but no other faffing.

I honestly think those of you who live/cope with a faffer deserve a knighthood 🏅

@AcrossthePond55

Mine doesn't make us late, he rushes us both around to get ready to leave, then just as we're getting coats on to walk out the door he starts faffing about, forgetting keys/packages/some stupid thing, or he suddenly remembers he MUST do 'X important thing' before we leave. He used to rush me into the car and THEN decide he's not ready. Now I won't get in the car until he's in with his seatbelt fastened.

I now get ready 20-30 minutes before we leave, except for my coat and purse, then I sit in the living room with a drink/cup of coffee, reading or MNing, completely ignoring his mad rushing around doing Very Important Last Minute Things. It drives him mad.

We've been married over 35 years. He's not going to change. So I did.

This.

If we are going on a date after work etc... my DH says I'll pick you up at 4pm, but will end up doing something like to his parents to pick something up and won't show until 5.30pm so I stopped sitting around uncomfortably waiting and will be dressed but sat with my feet up watching tv or something.

Then he shows up over an hour late and moans I'm not ready to go and we are 'going to be late' when it takes 2 minutes to throw on my shoes, but in that 2 minutes he starts faffing so I'm fully ready outside waiting and he decides he has to now groom the dog or something and gets annoyed when I tell him 'no, we're going NOW since we are late remember'.

But I refuse to just waste my life sitting by the door waiting when he's the one thats late.

@bananabuddy3

My best friend is a faffer! And dithers over everything. I love her dearly and couldn’t be without her but oh my, this is where we clash. We’ve been on a few holidays together. One was a sunshine holiday. Pool and beach in the day, so I’m not one who has to be up at the crack of dawn. I do however like to make the most of it and like to nab a decent sunned spot. I remember the first morning, we both naturally woke up about 8:30. I went in bathroom first, took less than ten minutes and came out. Told her the bathroom was hers and I started to slather on the sun cream and getting dressed. 45 minutes later she emerged. I was creamed up, hair done, bikini on and dress over top, pool bag ready and ready to go to breakfast and to the pool. I had even read half a magazine. She looked like she had done hardly anything and certainly hadn’t got sun cream on or anything. I said we should go to the pool and put towels down etc then get brekky. 20 minutes later she still wasn’t dressed as she was rearranging clothes and planning outfits and going back and forth on book choice. So I went down, reserved a couple of beds and she said she would come meet me when ready and go for breakfast. I start a book by the pool and soon realise it’s 10:45 and breakfast finishes as 11. I text her and ask if she’s ready. She says no. We’ve been awake for over 2 hours! So I say I’m starving, I’ll meet her there and grab her some food before the buffet is cleared. I end up eating and taking her a package back to the pool because she never makes it down. She arrives at the pool at 11.55. I was baffled. I asked her if she was ok because what on earth takes nearly 4 hours on holiday to do just to come to the pool?? Her response was she had to shave and cut her toe nails and do her hair and wanted her stuff to be in order.... I mean thankfully this was a chilled holiday but, even though she came to breakfast after, she never made it down to the pool before midday. Such a waste of her time. I had to get quite pushy when we had a boat trip booked.

When we did a city holiday, I was quite keen to be on the move earlier so that we wouldn’t be stuck in line for hours for certain attractions. That was tricky. I was watching what she did as I sat there fully dresses and ready and it was all just so painfully slow. We ended up spending a lot of time in lines, or at the end of the line while she dithered as to whether it was now worth joining the queue or not.

It’s a bit of a touchy subject because her whole family are like this so it’s just what she’s used to. I can’t live like that!

I couldn't cope with that. Just reading it makes me twitch. One of us would be going to prison for murder.

I have a faffer too, and a performer! Everything is a grand performance, he is no longer allowed to cook as it takes hours and uses every utensil, bowl and pan! Also he always uses the biggest knife/chopping board/bowl, drives me up the wall. He even makes a performance of tying his boot laces while me and the dog wait patiently (not)

My Ex DH was like this. I think a lot of it was down to he had no perspective of how much time tasks take. He genuinely believes it takes him 5 minutes to get ready, 2 minutes to poo, 10 minutes to cut the grass, 10 minutes to make/eat lunch, etc, so when I say we have half an hour to leave, he does the math and genuinely believes he has time to do all this stuff and still be in good time. He couldn't be reasoned with, no matter how many times he was proved wrong, or how many times he was left with the consequences, he would still adamantly believe the time estimates in his head were accurate.

Takes DH over half an hour to just make toast, it's the pontificating and deliberation. Drives me mad. And the deciding to do completely unnecessary tasks mid way through another task just "because". Yesterday the dishwasher was left midway through emptying so he could match up all the Tupperware boxes to their lids, then angst and consternation as to what up keep and throw away.

@AngelinaFibres I hope they did announce it. From the glares though I think they just said they were waiting on some passengers from a connecting flight and kind of inadvertently implied we were dawdling between gates rather than making the connection swiftly 😂

I will admit that my DH has never done a 'faffing poo', he must be seen to be busily bustling about. I admit that I am guilty of the 'last minute pee' whether I feel the need or not, but I normally 'time' that into the schedule. Although DH says he doesn't mind that because the alternative is me saying 20 minutes down the highway "Darling, I need a pee".

MIL is the Queen of faffing, it drives me crazy. Her newest faff is waiting right until she gets into the doorway of a shop before remembering she hasn't got a mask on. She then stands right in the doorway looking through her handbag, her coat pockets and her trouser pockets before realising it was in her handbag after all. By this time, there's a queue of people behind her waiting to get in the shop. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Myself and DC used to spend a fair bit of time with her but I've started to rein it in recently as the faffing around and inconveniencing others has really started annoying me.

@RobotValkyrie

Hmm... it might sometimes be a deliberate passive aggressive sabotaging strategy, but for some people, I believe it's just a form of (mild) disability: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_dysfunction (just like some people struggle with spelling, or some people stutter, etc.)

My DH is always late. Everywhere. All the time. Including with work tasks (I know because we share a work-from-home office...)
It's embarrassing and infuriating at times. But he genuinely does not know how to function efficiently when time is concerned. I'm not sure he even perceives time properly: his estimates of how much time something has taken are just as bad as his estimates of how much time something will take.

On the plus side, he doesn't mind waiting.
And he's great at doing household finances. Weird. (as in, he can function perfectly well in other areas that involve "budgeting", he just seems to be lacking some mind of "internal hourglass")

If the OP had posted the same about her son, she would have been lectured about understanding his poor executive function, and asked if he is neurodiverse. But, because he is her DH, it's assumed he must be doing it intentionally.

I don't doubt that some men faff as a form of control. But, if we can accept that some children are neurodiverse, what do we think happens to those children when they grow up? Maturity helps, but it doesn't magically solve problems with timekeeping and executive function.

My in-laws are the worst faffers ever and I think he has just learned it from them. They are even faffy in the way they speak to one another. Every single phone call will begin with the same faffy convoluted routine of conversation about how people are (fine) how the weather is (fine) etc etc. After a full 10 minutes of repetitive meaningless patter they'll eventually get round to mentioning that they'd better go as there's a bear chasing them or their leg has fallen off and they need an ambulance... confused just get to the fucking POINT!

I do agree that faffing can be inherited. I was driven mad by my dear friend 'Sam' and his faffing, till I spent a week with his family. I now realise that, compared to his parents, he is a miracle of efficiency 😀

As someone with ADHD (which, for me, DH and DS2, causes pretty much all of the common traits on this thread) the responses on here pretty much clarify why so many of us ADHDers end up with depression and anxiety. The sheer contempt for those of us who struggle with "normal" executive function is incredibly upsetting. I have hated reading this thread.

I hold down a great job. I'm a decent, kind person. I'm creative. BUT I left the house with barefoot today, rushing. When I arrived at my destination, I'd brought ONE shoe with me. I often forget elements of personal care such as teeth brushing. Leaving the house needs me to go back inside at least once for keys/mask/wallet whatever. DH finds this even harder. I'm medicated and what I describe here is a day on meds, which is better.

Seriously, SOD you all with the lack of compassion. So many of these things your find so annoying are social conventions invented to suit the neurotypical world. When I look at my amazing DS do I think he needs to change to fit, NO, the world needs to change to accept everyone.
Poor kids with ADHD.

DD has dyslexia and inattentive ADHD, and planning and sequencing doesn't come naturally to her. However she also has empathy and a social conscience and decided for herself to take measures to avoid pissing everyone off by faffing.

It's interesting that we read so many posts from ND people and parents of ND kids who suggest that a whole lot of the problem is society's expectation, yet here you are being pleased that your DD is fitting in so as not to piss anyone off.

It could be an anxiety issue
A control issue
Time blindness
He’s lazy
He’s selfish

What ever reason, tell him you need to leave 30mm so before you do and control paperwork

My ds is like this and from what I remember of his father, he was too. I've tried to raise him not to be but I've only had limited success. When he was little if I said hurry up, he would stand still and flap his arms because that made him look stressed and busy. He's 19 now and has learned to curb the worst excesses of it, but it's still his natural tendency.

@TheAirbender

As someone with ADHD (which, for me, DH and DS2, causes pretty much all of the common traits on this thread) the responses on here pretty much clarify why so many of us ADHDers end up with depression and anxiety. The sheer contempt for those of us who struggle with "normal" executive function is incredibly upsetting. I have hated reading this thread.

I hold down a great job. I'm a decent, kind person. I'm creative. BUT I left the house with barefoot today, rushing. When I arrived at my destination, I'd brought ONE shoe with me. I often forget elements of personal care such as teeth brushing. Leaving the house needs me to go back inside at least once for keys/mask/wallet whatever. DH finds this even harder. I'm medicated and what I describe here is a day on meds, which is better.

Seriously, SOD you all with the lack of compassion. So many of these things your find so annoying are social conventions invented to suit the neurotypical world. When I look at my amazing DS do I think he needs to change to fit, NO, the world needs to change to accept everyone.
Poor kids with ADHD.

I’m sorry you struggle with your adhd, and I too have it. As with most things there a spectrum to adhd and yours does sound severe if you are leaving the house with only one shoe on.

Unfortunately the world can not bend to those with special needs, I’ve had to work very hard on organising my life and childrens life, I’m exhausted most of the time for it.

Telling everyone on here to sod off is not the answer.

@elelel

DD has dyslexia and inattentive ADHD, and planning and sequencing doesn't come naturally to her. However she also has empathy and a social conscience and decided for herself to take measures to avoid pissing everyone off by faffing.

It's interesting that we read so many posts from ND people and parents of ND kids who suggest that a whole lot of the problem is society's expectation, yet here you are being pleased that your DD is fitting in so as not to piss anyone off.

Exactly, exactly, exactly. Mould yourself to fit in - the constant 24/7 stressor for the neurodiverse.

@tcjotm

I totally agree that plenty of women are faffers too. I see it in loads of colleagues. I don’t see it as a control thing, generally ( though it can be) but I think some people are wired that way, basically missing any sense of urgency. I’m sure my lack of patience is equally frustrating to others at times. I have ADHD, I need things to keep moving.

See ADHD makes me keep moving too, I get that but years and years of cock ups means I 'faff', basically trying to stall for time so that my brain can catch up and remember/process what it should be doing. I am raging at this thread.

I had a slow motion faffer years ago, used to make me RAGE!

Of course the world/society can and should change. It's changed in ways people wouldn't have thought reasonable or possible over and over again throughout history. Accepting that the status quo is all that will ever be and all that ever can be is short sighted and unacceptable, given the pain that it can cause to significant numbers of people.

I find it bizarre people claiming we non-faffers are being ableists or that it is mostly due to things like dyslexia, ADHD, autism etc...

I'm the one with dyslexia, my mam is the one with autism, my DS has learning difficulties (the full scope of diagnosis still under investigation) NOT my husband (the faffer) who is the one that has no neurological issues.

His annoying personal traits are nothing to do with disabilities and those of us in the family with those conditions do not have those traits so its just so odd people are jumping to a 'disability' conclusion.

My husband is a turtle but he is also passive aggressive so sometimes is on purpose. Either way is super annoying.

@mam0918

I find it bizarre people claiming we non-faffers are being ableists or that it is mostly due to things like dyslexia, ADHD, autism etc...

I'm the one with dyslexia, my mam is the one with autism, my DS has learning difficulties (the full scope of diagnosis still under investigation) NOT my husband (the faffer) who is the one that has no neurological issues.

His annoying personal traits are nothing to do with disabilities and those of us in the family with those conditions do not have those traits so its just so odd people are jumping to a 'disability' conclusion.

It's not screaming 'ableist' to describe what life is like for many people with executive dysfunction. It's great that it's not that way for you and yours. That doesn't mean your experience is all there is, just a mine doesn't too. I'm just asking people not to jump to 'annoying twat' conclusions without understanding that there are many, many genuine reasons why someone might behave like this.