Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel 0 sympathy-24 hours in police custody *MNHQ adding content warning for distressing information regarding a child*

279 replies

Menmy3 · 04/01/2022 23:58

AIBU to have absolutely no sympathy for poor baby Teddie’s useless mother. Going from one man to the next allowing one into her home that was clearly abusing her children and not protecting them. I know she was the victim of DV and usually I’d be advocating for her 100% but she showed no emotion, no remorse. Those poor babies.

OP posts:
Malibuismysecrethome · 05/01/2022 07:12

Why are you even trying to find reasons/excuse her? She is equally guilty and did not protect her baby or other children. Lock her up and throw away the key. Stop wasting time excusing these women they are equally culpable.

Malibuismysecrethome · 05/01/2022 07:15

Sorry meant why are we even trying ...

rrhuth · 05/01/2022 07:23

It is easy to whip a mob into a frenzy but it is much harder to actually tackle these problems and make the changes we need to prevent these situations happening in the future, or to sort out what is happening now.

I don't watch these programmes because they show nothing new. But what is anyone really doing?

The police (as on this thread) can claim they try but they also ignore so much and dismiss reports.

Lovemusic33 · 05/01/2022 07:35

I agree with others that the mother should have got a harsher sentence, she was given many opportunities to say what he was like, to admit he was abusive but she sat there knowing this man had killed her child and lied for him over and over again. She also knew that man had harmed her other children but lied about it.

Many women have experienced domestic violence (including me) but not many would have continued to cover for a man that had harmed her children and murdered their baby?

I feel for women who do put up with domestic violence, many don’t realise they are being abused because their abuser has made sure that the victim thinks they deserve it, that they caused them to snap, but this woman did nothing to protect her children and that is unforgivable. I hope she never gets to see her children again, she doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near them, she should have been given a long prison sentence just like him.

MissTrip82 · 05/01/2022 07:35

Goodness given you’re usually an advocate for women living with IPV I’m really surprised you haven’t encountered these issues before.

You don’t seem to have much understanding of the reality of abuse and what it does to its victims.

What form does your advocacy take and what training have you had?

gunnersgold · 05/01/2022 07:37

What programme is this? Thanks

JohnStonesMissus · 05/01/2022 07:38

There will always be those women who put "their man" above all else including their own children, why?! I will never ever understand it, is their self esteem so shit that they allow any bastard in to their children's lives just so it makes them feel good about themselves? When that poor child was giving evidence I was in bits...they're so innocent in all of this.

GlamorousHeifer · 05/01/2022 07:39

Any mothers basic instinct is to protect her children surely?
No matter what that man did to her the fact she allowed him to kill her baby makes her as much a piece of shit as he is.
Prison is too good for people like this, I hope they suffer.

rrhuth · 05/01/2022 07:46

Any mothers basic instinct is to protect her children surely?
This sort of simplistic response doesn't help to change anything going forwards.

Clearly it isn't this simple, or it wouldn't keep happening.

JohnStonesMissus · 05/01/2022 07:46

@GlamorousHeifer

Any mothers basic instinct is to protect her children surely? No matter what that man did to her the fact she allowed him to kill her baby makes her as much a piece of shit as he is. Prison is too good for people like this, I hope they suffer.
Exactly, she had every opportunity to save baby Teddie but put her own needs first, and in my mind it makes her worse than that vile piece of shit she allowed in their lives...she couldn't give a fuck about her children and now she's up the duff again by some other random...
DressingPafe · 05/01/2022 07:50

I haven’t seen the second part so am not going to comment on that specific case.

The problem I had when reporting DV is that he was shown my statement, every word I said against him, then bailed. He came straight to my home, kicked the door in and grabbed me by the throat. I lived in a block of flats at the time and not one neighbour called the police as they didn’t want to get involved. I somehow managed to pacify him but I wasn’t going to make the situation worse by reporting anything else. I did eventually get away, only by going to a refuge.

You can’t just “end” a relationship with a violent man. They won’t let you. I’ve felt the fear of sitting alone at home at night, knowing he was walking free and could turn up at any time. Knowing that by the time the police arrived (if anyone even called, or if I could before he broke in) it could be too late. The only way is to go far away from all you know and start again, and that’s hard.

I am watching the second part tonight, so may well agree with all of you. But I do know DV is complex and difficult to escape.

LoudSnoringDog · 05/01/2022 07:54

@RunningFromInsanity

It was satisfying when they wheeled him into the lift though.
I'd have bounced him over every bumpy surface I could find.
Malibuismysecrethome · 05/01/2022 07:58

No doubt it is terrifying trying to get away from a violent man. However the police should protect you and have the means to do so. They can install an alarm system which is a box and you carry an alarm. The police attend immediately if the alarm goes off. Do you can feel safe in your home.

A young girl I know was violently beaten before Christmas. She is back with the man who did it and has 3 children. She doesn’t want to leave because he provides her lifestyle. It is complex but where women knowingly let men abuse and physically harm their children then I have no sympathy whatsoever. They should keep their children safe and their priority.

MaybeHeIsMyCat · 05/01/2022 07:59

@gunnersgold

What programme is this? Thanks
24hrs in police custody, there's 2 parts to it
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 05/01/2022 08:05

@rrhuth @stillvicarinatutu I have some connection with the police through work and I tell my children not to become police officers- it is the hardest job, absolutely the hardest. I have a friend that works in a similar area to tutu and he is affected by what he's seen, once you have your own children I think it's worse.

I would also say people say the police do very little, but actually awareness of DV and coercive control is pretty good now, at least in the regions I'm aware of- but the sheer volume of crimes and non-crimes is unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. It takes up a huge amount of police time, and with resources stretched, this really doesn't help- but I do believe it is one of their priority action areas. This may not have been the case in the past. My friend works in stats in this area and we are talking 100's of thousands of reports over a couple of years in a relatively limited geographic area. So, to respond quickly, well, and with a good result for every one of those, I don't even think they have the resources.

Soubriquet · 05/01/2022 08:08

This sounds horrifying. I feel like I need to watch it now in respect for the poor child. I’m giving it a go but there’s no subtitles so it’s difficult for me

Poor baby

picklemewalnuts · 05/01/2022 08:09

I haven't watched it, but Lucci's upset at discovering he wasnt the father- could it have been that she'd made allowances for him, covered for him, BECAUSE he was the father but as he was not she didn't need to have?

I know that doesnt excuse it in a rational mind, but in her mind had she failed to intervene because as the father, he was somehow 'allowed'?

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 05/01/2022 08:12

@picklemewalnuts

I haven't watched it, but Lucci's upset at discovering he wasnt the father- could it have been that she'd made allowances for him, covered for him, BECAUSE he was the father but as he was not she didn't need to have?

I know that doesnt excuse it in a rational mind, but in her mind had she failed to intervene because as the father, he was somehow 'allowed'?

I think they both knew he wasn't the father. Whole load of acting and crocodile tears going on there.

anon12345678901 · 05/01/2022 08:14

No excuses can be made for the waste of space that was the mother. She lied repeatedly to cover up for him, she as good killed that child herself. They are both disgusting individuals and the thing that saddens me most is she still has the ability to have another child (and has) and the same thing could happen.
I don't blame the police for this, there are only two people responsible for what happened and that's the 'mother' and that bastard.

Hotcuppatea · 05/01/2022 08:19

I can only go on what I saw on that programme, but my hunch is that she behaved that way in interview because if she allows herself to admit that Kane killed Teddie, then she also has to admit that she allowed him to. Her denial is a way of protecting herself. When she says 'he'd never do that', she's really saying 'I would never let him do that.'

Tragically she did let him do it, but her psyche can't handle that.

I really felt for the police officers too. They must be haunted by the things they see and hear.

Unsure33 · 05/01/2022 08:25

@MissTrip82

The difference in this case was the mother had every opportunity to explain her position and get protection and even the other children were safe. But she didn’t . She defended him. Even knowing he had punched and hit her other children .

Sorry no sympathy in this case.

Perhaps young people need lessons in school to explain no one man or female should be treated like this in a normal relationship.

JohnStonesMissus · 05/01/2022 08:26

Yes she was pregnant when she got with that pond life so it's all an act..she sat in the police station behaving as if baby teddies death was an inconvenience to her..

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/01/2022 08:38

@Hotcuppatea

I can only go on what I saw on that programme, but my hunch is that she behaved that way in interview because if she allows herself to admit that Kane killed Teddie, then she also has to admit that she allowed him to. Her denial is a way of protecting herself. When she says 'he'd never do that', she's really saying 'I would never let him do that.'

Tragically she did let him do it, but her psyche can't handle that.

I really felt for the police officers too. They must be haunted by the things they see and hear.

i absolutely agree
MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/01/2022 08:39

i dont think she is allowed to keep any children now

Worried456776 · 05/01/2022 08:39

I can’t believe her reaction in the interview when the police read out the injuries her little baby had…there was no emotion no tears ? Normal people who actually loved there baby or gave a shit would by hysterical. It’s just disgusting, she didn’t care about her children, she deserved life in prison. I think the court felt sorry for her because of the domestic violence, which is awful but doesn’t change the fact she covered for that vile piece of shit kane and did nothing to protect those babies.