AIBU to think this restaurant Bill split should have been done differently?

[2020too]

My Mom treated me to a restaurant voucher for Christmas as we tend to buy experiences rather than items.

She deliberately picked this restaurant as is a lovely place and I also get 33% off because of where I work - she saw this as stretching the money further.

We have an annually occuring meet up in the lull between Christmas and NYE with 2 couples from our hobby group non-specified as it might be outing

We meet up with them every few months for a meal and drinks at various places as well as seeing them frequently for hobbying. We rally enjoy their company.

It was one of other couple's pick of venue last week. They suggested this restaurant in the group chat, and I said great because my discount would apply and so we booked in mid December for last week.

As we sat down for the meal, I told my DH to remind me to use the voucher when the bill cane as I'm likely to forget - my menopause isn't serving my brain well . The others commented on what a nice present and then conversation turned to their Christmas presents etc.

Now for the sums

The bill for 3 couples was £450.

My discount brought it diwn to £300.

£345 with the tip.

£115 per couple.

One of the others reminded me about my voucher .

So to me that meant we had £65 to pay.

Someone spoke up and said, okay so that's 345 less the voucher = 295 to pay, let's call it £100 per couple, yeah.

So that's what we did

I bloody know I need to work in my assertiveness kills and I absolutely won't be addressing the issue, as I'm not a boat rocker. I also am aware that I didn't explicitly say that this was just for me and DH, because in no way would I have thought anyone would have thought elsewise.

YANBU: most people wouldn't have included the voucher as a joint contribution?

YABU they were totally reasonable to deduct the voucher off the total bill before dividing into thirds.

Never had any Bill splitting problems before with these, and £35 inequality wouldn't stop me socialising with them again. I'm just a very bit

It’s frustrating reading how passive you are - I thought I was bad. Your husband missed out on the birth of your child and your mum effectively spent money for nothing because you won’t speak up. I’d be really annoyed if I bought someone close a gift voucher like that and it was spent on others instead.

Personally wouldn't have used a gift voucher whilst dining with friends, just because it could lead to a situation like this!

However the fact there were 3? Couples eho just went along with it is a bit naff of them. No one said, That's her Christmas present from her mum! No way should it be shared! Surely that wouldn't be fair after we had her discount!

They all just nodded and got on with spending your Christmas present?

Either it really wasn't clear or you have some very grabby friends

The voucher wasn't wasted as the OP still had a nice meal out with friends. It seems like it was a misunderstanding, so I'd let it drop but be more careful in the future.

@BiddyPop

So you effectively contributed £300 towards the bill and each of the other 2 couples contributed £100 each?

£300 being made up of £150 discount, £50 voucher and £100 cash/Apple Pay.

Definitely sounds unfair on you.

I hope the other 2 couple treat you equally well on the next outing when. You get to choose your favourite eatery.

It’s not like the discount came out of the OP’s purse. The voucher yes, but be sensible.

in otherwise they took you for a mug because you don't speak up for yourself

*other words

Assertiveness is a problem for lots of us. I sometimes feel constrained to speak out, then spend days worrying about something I should have said. I think asserting ourselves is a skill that needs practice, like all others. It doesn't matter how cheeky others are if we speak our minds at the time.

The discount was for everyone, the voucher was yours. But you know these friends and are the best judge of whether they were cheeky or not. I suspect not, I suspect with you telling everyone of the discount and then you and your husband repeatedly talking about the voucher and not forgetting it, your friends mentally put the two together as “discounts” on the meal.

I don’t think I would have brought a voucher to pay for my share of a group meal, I especially would not have kept going on about it over dinner, there were only six of you, even if it were just you and your husband mentioning it to each other the others were bound to hear. I am sure you and your husband wouldn’t keep talking about what credit card you would use to pay, so really don’t know why you did this about the voucher and think you latterly brought the misunderstanding on yourself.

While you need to work on being assertive you can also avoid situations where you have to be. For me I could see there being issues with the voucher in a group meal so I’d avoid it. Or you should know when to present the voucher. When they were calculating the bill and reminded you about the voucher you shouldn’t have just put it forward but just said, what is the price per couple? They wouldn’t know the value of the voucher to deduct it. Then you could just use it to pay your share.

Lesson learnt.

It sounds like a misunderstanding. This has happened to me as well, I was so annoyed at myself.

If they thought you'd chosen to spend your mum's gift treating them, then they would have said thank you, right? 'Thanks for taking us to dinner, what a fun gift from your mum' did they?

I would assume they conflated the discount and the gift card and thought it was all the same thing.

Or if you said something like 'I'm glad it's getting used not just expiring in a drawer.' They might have thought it was not any skin off your nose, you were just happy to use it and that dinner with them was the treat.

I agree with PPs, probably better to just go out with your DH if you're not planning to share the gift.

So awkward, I hate all this stuff.

Are they CF in general? Are they generous towards you? If they're good friends I'd just forget about it.

I remember being invited to a pre-wedding pamper, the store for which my best friend (the bride to be) had a voucher.
My treatment finished before hers, so I snuck out to pay my share before BF emerged.
I was scolded (lovingly) by both BF and her mother, who had purchased the voucher.
Get yourself some friends like that, OP! You sound like the sort of soul that deserves that more than most ♥️

I hope that made sense 🤦🏻‍♀️ YANBU is basically what I’m trying to say 😂🥳

I voted YANBU as it should have come from your share of the bill but I think you confused things. If you had split the bill then when paying your share THEN mentioned the voucher it would have been clearer. Or if you had spoken our and said no, the voucher is my christmas gift and should be treated as mine it would have been clearer. Or better still just use the voucher when you are out as a couple. So YANBU about the split but I do think it got lost in translation somewhere and was assumed a benefit for all like your discount rather than yours personally.

Yanbu, BUT I wouldn't use a voucher for just my meal at a group event as I think that's rude. I'd have saved it for another time.

Going on the stated prices at the agreed restaurant, I'm guessing that none of the people in the group is short of a bob or two; but in principle, not everybody has spare money to pay for something that has already been paid for and 'bank' the first payment for an indefinite time. Especially if it's a posh, expensive 'special occasion' place that you only go to rarely, rather than a £10 carvery at your local pub.

If OP had been given £50 in cash - maybe with the express suggestion that she could use it at X restaurant - nobody would have been any the wiser.

I’m in the category that if I use vouchers at a group event I would share them with the group else I would feel incredibly rude. If I want to keep it for just me and my partner we would go separately. If I don’t want to share an expensive food treat or bottle of wine, I don’t bring it out at a dinner party.

There seems to be a split between people who see a gift voucher as equivalent to cash ie this is the same as you putting money down, and people who see it more equivalent as another Christmas present that if you get out in a group situation and use you would expect to share with the group eg 50 pound bottle of wine or box of chocolates.

If I misunderstood something and was corrected with "ha ha nice try!" I would be so, so, so mortified. I wouldn't go out with that person again. I might have made a mistake and should perhaps have been corrected - but OMG I am cringing all over thinking about being spoken to like that. People are different, relationships are different - clearly - because anyone who sees that as a jolly, harm-free way to reset expectations lives on a completely different planet from me

@Jumpingintomenopause

I did NOT say OP PAID the discount - I said it was part of her CONTRIBUTION to the overall original cost of the meal.

Which is pertinent to the consideration of it all.

Everyone paid out the same amount in CASH.
But OP contributed 3 times the amount to the reckoning/payment of the final bill as the other 2 couples each did. Just not all of that contribution was in cash.

If she had gone up to the reception desk with the bill, and the cash from the other 2 couples for their 1/3 of the original bill, she could have used her discount, and her voucher, paid the remainder (and tip) in the cash from others and still have had some cash to pocket for herself at the end.

Generally speaking I think individual discounts/vouchers are best avoided in group situations, certainly when everyone is fairly comfortably off, if you’re all used to splitting bills equally and if you would still be eating together if you didn’t have the voucher.

There’s a sort of symbolic element that comes from splitting a bill equally, everyone enjoys the meal as a shared experience (rather than viewing it as a collection of things which are consumed and then paid for individually).

At the end everyone contributes equally to that experience - there is a sense of shared generosity. If one person’s bill then ends up significantly lower than everyone else’s it slightly disrupts that feeling. It’s not so much that it is wrong, it just strikes a slightly discordant note.

That wouldn’t stop me using a voucher in that situation if it was going to be my only chance, but unless I was sharing the benefit with everyone else at the table I reckon I’d feel a little uncomfortable.

Which is pertinent to the consideration of it all.

I don't really think it is pertinent. It would be pretty twatty for someone to consider a reduction for the whole table as part of their contribution.

[quote BiddyPop]@Jumpingintomenopause

I did NOT say OP PAID the discount - I said it was part of her CONTRIBUTION to the overall original cost of the meal.

Which is pertinent to the consideration of it all.

Everyone paid out the same amount in CASH.
But OP contributed 3 times the amount to the reckoning/payment of the final bill as the other 2 couples each did. Just not all of that contribution was in cash.

If she had gone up to the reception desk with the bill, and the cash from the other 2 couples for their 1/3 of the original bill, she could have used her discount, and her voucher, paid the remainder (and tip) in the cash from others and still have had some cash to pocket for herself at the end.[/quote]
@BiddyPop I didn’t say you did.

My point remains @2020too wasn’t physically out of pocket by using her discount therefore it is a mute point. To have done as you suggest in your latest post is nothing short of stealing from friends and quite the digression from @2020too‘s original query.

That was YOUR Christmas Gift, not theirs to share.

You're daft not saying so.

My point wasn't about her stealing, which I agree the 2nd option would be.

My point was that OP has contributed well in excess of her fair share to the settling of the Bill.

The voucher should have been part of her cash payment towards the £115 when the (300+tip) was split. Particularly as she had already ensured that the bill was so much lower because her discount was applied.

It may well be that the discount and voucher were confused, but then people just assumed both would be used jointly.

But that assumption is the faulty part. OP had used her discount and that should be sufficient input to the communal reductions of the bill and then everyone settles in their own way an equal share of what remains AT THAT STAGE. Whether that was vouchers, apple pay, credit cards, or bags of £1 coins - as long as it was a means of payment that the restaurant would accept.

Not that there should be a further reduction of the overall bill, due to OP having a voucher.

She may not have been physically out of pocket because of the discount, but it was a reduction to the bill that was only possible because of her and not because of anyone else. So why should she be then penalised for having a Christmas gift to use there in addition?

I just think you share with friends including discounts and vouchers if you have them.
Someone could have spoken up but if you had a lovely evening all’s well.

Oh dear. You should have said “here’s my voucher and I’ll put £65 on my card” made it clear from the off that the voucher was only covering your part

Personally I wouldn’t have used a voucher during a group meal
This.
I wouldn't have mentioned the voucher until settling the bill. There was no need to.