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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This is unreasonable behaviour from H right?

129 replies

maskedwoman · 04/01/2022 11:01

I left him in October due to just being unhappy. He was taking me for granted and not showing me any love. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a permanent break up or just some time away but he has made it impossible for me to return - not that I think I want too.

He is feeling very lost since I left which he will because I did absolutely everything. However he has also become extremely anxious and pretty much every day asks me if the reason I have left is because there is someone else. There isn't. I have not seen, messaged, done anything else with anyone. I have left for space. I was exhausted and needed to re build.

However no matter how many times I tell him, he still constantly asks if there is anyone else. He has even asked if I have someone with me while I'm on the phone to him.

He is getting therapy now for his issues which is much needed. He becomes from a background of trauma and child abuse.

He just cannot see things from my view. I have told him we both need to work on ourselves individually before we think about a future - especially now all this paranoia has come into it. That's the only way I see it going forward. He just wants me to come back. He says he will change and be the husband 'I need'

I don't need him to be anything, I need him to be respectful of my feelings and give me some space but that's impossible for him to do as he's suffering with extreme anxiety. All he talks about his how he feels.

I have asked him to not contact me regarding our marriage as we just end up going in circles and not getting anywhere. He keeps saying the minute I come home, his 'thoughts' will stop. Obviously I'm not daft and have told him they need resolving and me coming back would absolutely not fix anything. It would just be putting to bed this anxiety/paranoia he has but not addressing it.

Am I in the wrong here? I have left him. I didn't quite expect it to turn out like this but I always knew he would be hurt by it.

I also do feel for him as he has no one else to really turn too. His family are useless to be blunt and his friends have been there but to be honest....they are a bit fed up of him now. It's been almost 3 months since I left which seems like forever ago now.

What do I do? Be there for him more which I turn is not doing me anything favours? I am also in therapy too and my therapist has said I need to 'grey rock' him but that is so hard to do.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 04/01/2022 11:05

You have left him he’s not your problem or responsibility any more

StripeyDeckchair · 04/01/2022 11:14

You've left him.
Separate your finances & possessions if you haven't already.
Don't discuss anything personal about the present or your previous relationship together - it will just continue to go round in circles & he probably thinks that you'll go back while you continue to engage with him.

user15364596354862 · 04/01/2022 11:14

Be there for him more which I turn is not doing me anything favours?

No. Your current excessive level of contact is already feeding the situation. It is not helping either of you as it is.

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 04/01/2022 11:16

I don't think indulging his anxieties by listening to him is helping him and it's certainly not benefiting you. Why exactly ARE you "on the phone every day" to him? Even if you have children together they don't need that much conversation regarding contact times and parenting, surely?

Tell him that you've left because you don't want to be his servant anymore, you don't want to be any other man's servant either, and that includes providing therapy to someone so utterly useless at existence that he's still relying on you to fix everything after you've literally gone. You've got to be cruel to be kind sometimes. This isn't doing either of you any favours.

Then mute him, archive all his texts, and if you do have children, only check the messages from him once every two days or when he actually has them.

If you don't have children, (then you're lucky!) block his number and email instead when you want to arrange something for the separation.

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 11:17

You have left him with good reason.

Stop the contact and formalise the separation.

Follow your therapists advice.

He is not a project for you to fix.

You have been very brave leaving, so do not return to an unhappy situation.

Be thankful you don't have children and can move on.

Stop indulging him on the phone.

Wreath21 · 04/01/2022 11:20

Block him, ignore his calls, do not answer the door to him. He's not your problem any more. If you have to arrange the financial/legal side of separation, let a solicitor handle everything.
You left him because he's a useless whining prick. While you should be as fair as possible regarding the financial aspect, you do not owe him ANY emotional support.

Shoxfordian · 04/01/2022 11:22

Why are you still talking to him?

Orgasmagorical · 04/01/2022 11:23

I agree with your therapist, grey rock is the way to go. He'll cling on to any glimmer of hope with any more than that. It's kinder to him in the long run, and to yourself.

You need to be strong for yourself and not let any of his behaviour manipulate you into something you don't want

dustofneptune · 04/01/2022 11:25

You are not responsible for his mental health. I've been in your situation (though not married, just long-term relationships), and I know how difficult it can be, because you feel like you're abandoning them when they need you the most.

If you keep talking on the phone, he's going to keep spiralling all of his stuff at you, and you're going to keep playing the role you've always played also. It's ingrained in your dynamic at this point.

If/when you know that you definitely want to divorce, I think you have to be honest about it. Otherwise he's just going to focus on the hope that you'll work things out.

If you do maintain contact with him, I would at least set really clear boundaries about what you're willing to discuss and what you're not willing to discuss. For instance, the paranoia about you leaving for someone else. You can simply say, "We've discussed this multiple times, I've told you the absolute truth, I am not willing to discuss it again".

SportsMother · 04/01/2022 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BasicDad · 04/01/2022 11:33

Have you been very clear with him that there is no chance that you will ever get back together?

Your OP reads like he's still hanging on as he thinks there's a chance.

BackBackBack · 04/01/2022 11:33

How is he going to be the "husband you need" when he can't even manage not to pester you every 5 minutes when you've specifically asked him for space and time?

He is making it clear that you will carry the burden of his mental health because he is holding you solely responsible (come back and the bad thoughts will go away).

It's a peculiar kind of arrogance to assume that the only reason you've left is because there's someone else. By saying this, he's telling you that he thinks there's nothing wrong with him and the problem is all you.

Block him, find a solicitor and file for divorce.

yourside · 04/01/2022 11:37

Tell him there's no chance for you two, it's over and you are going to move on. You are filing and that's that. Making him think there's a chance for you to actually seems quite mean. It's making his MH worse in the long term.

I do wonder if the responses would be the same if the roles were reversed. Would any woman recommend a man sends his wife a laminated card that says "we are never getting back together" and blocks her? Doubtful.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 04/01/2022 11:37

For me, it all boils down to my childhood which I am learning in therapy. I had a good childhood in that I didn't want for anything but I was hardly ever told I was loved. I was never told what my positive qualities were. It's led me to be this 'caregiver' in adult life. I do absolutely everything for everyone in the hope that I will feel love in return.

It's very hard, I'm very emotional about it but it all makes perfect sense. My self esteem is that low, I always used to try and please my parents but I never got anything back off them. I am close to them now but I am still not getting the support I would like off them - a big cuddle, to be told I'm worth more....it's painful to talk about but it's just how my parents are. My mum could really use therapy herself.

Yes I know you are all right in what you say. 100%. I just find it very very hard. I am a people pleaser so going against that is very hard - even to someone who has hurt me so very much.

I'm going to carry on with my therapy and work on myself.

I can also see how I am damaging him still being in 'carer role'.

Grey rock is the only way forward

OP posts:

Original poster

maskedwoman · 04/01/2022 11:38

@yourside

I would never do that - I completely get what you're saying

OP posts:

Original poster

maskedwoman · 04/01/2022 11:39

@BackBackBack

How is he going to be the "husband you need" when he can't even manage not to pester you every 5 minutes when you've specifically asked him for space and time?

He is making it clear that you will carry the burden of his mental health because he is holding you solely responsible (come back and the bad thoughts will go away).

Block him, find a solicitor and file for divorce.

He is full of remorse on how he's treated me. He says he will change - he's listed everything he's done wrong and says he will change it all.

OP posts:

RiverSkater · 04/01/2022 11:56

He isn't going to change, you'd be crazy to go back to that.
Embrace your freedom and stop taking to him, it only gives him false hope.

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 11:58

Someone treating you like shit for an extended period of time, knowing bloody well they treated you badly, and then telling you they will treated you better from now on, is a loser and not someone to waste a minute on.

He treated you like shit a knew well he was doing so.

End of.
End of marriage.
End of wasting anymore time with this person.

He has shown you comprehensively who he is, believe him.

Lots of people never grew up being told they were fab, loved etc.
Your parents sound like they did ok on a lot of levels.

Work with your therapist to find the affirmation you crave from within yourself, and you will be the better for it.

RiverSkater · 04/01/2022 12:03

Well done on getting the therapy you need by the way, it sounds like you are working hard, it's a painful process but so worth it when you can break those chains that are holding you back.

Fizzbangwallop · 04/01/2022 12:09

Words are cheap - it’s his actions that count. Listen to your therapist and also ask yourself why couldn’t he have changed while you were together? (The answer is that he didn’t care about you or respect you enough to alter his behaviour). He is saying anything to you to try to get you back but it’s too late. Grey rock is the only way forward.

Shedmistress · 04/01/2022 12:09

He says he will change - he's listed everything he's done wrong and says he will change it all.

If the one change that you needed is space, but he can't even give you that, how will he magically become a different person later on?

WinterSunglasses · 04/01/2022 12:13

He says he will change - he's listed everything he's done wrong and says he will change it all.

He needs to show he has already started to change by respecting your wish for space. The constant pestering is a denial that he actually needs to change. That has to stop.

Sn0tnose · 04/01/2022 12:18

He can’t fix you and your issues. You know this and you’ve got yourself a counsellor to help you fix yourself.

So now you need to make it clear to him that you cannot fix him and his issues, even if he can’t accept it. Your therapist is right. Grey rock is the only way to go.

BackBackBack · 04/01/2022 12:24

@Shedmistress

He says he will change - he's listed everything he's done wrong and says he will change it all.

If the one change that you needed is space, but he can't even give you that, how will he magically become a different person later on?

This.

And if he's so convinced he's going to change then what's stopping him from getting on with it now.

He won't change because he thinks the problem is you and that there's nothing wrong with him. He's saying the words he thinks you want to hear, to get you to go back.

Think about it. If he genuinely meant what he was saying then why can't he respect your request to be left alone? Why is he constantly badgering you about whether you've met someone else?

His issues might stem from childhood problems but that doesn't change the fact that he's paranoid, controlling and emotionally manipulative. And whatever the cause, you aren't responsible for fixing him or staying in a relationship where you aren't happy.

Wreath21 · 04/01/2022 12:28

Unfortunately, men like him have a radar for vulnerable women. He chose you because he knew (on some level) that he could manipulate you into servicing him. He is whining because he has lost control of you. Even if he is in distress and could do with therapy himself, that is his problem, not yours.
Persistent whiners are actually a type of abuser, as he shows: he is not remotely interested in what you want or need and he's not going to give you any space to think, so cut him right off.

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