This is unreasonable behaviour from H right?

[maskedwoman]

I left him in October due to just being unhappy. He was taking me for granted and not showing me any love. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a permanent break up or just some time away but he has made it impossible for me to return - not that I think I want too.

He is feeling very lost since I left which he will because I did absolutely everything. However he has also become extremely anxious and pretty much every day asks me if the reason I have left is because there is someone else. There isn't. I have not seen, messaged, done anything else with anyone. I have left for space. I was exhausted and needed to re build.

However no matter how many times I tell him, he still constantly asks if there is anyone else. He has even asked if I have someone with me while I'm on the phone to him.

He is getting therapy now for his issues which is much needed. He becomes from a background of trauma and child abuse.

He just cannot see things from my view. I have told him we both need to work on ourselves individually before we think about a future - especially now all this paranoia has come into it. That's the only way I see it going forward. He just wants me to come back. He says he will change and be the husband 'I need'

I don't need him to be anything, I need him to be respectful of my feelings and give me some space but that's impossible for him to do as he's suffering with extreme anxiety. All he talks about his how he feels.

I have asked him to not contact me regarding our marriage as we just end up going in circles and not getting anywhere. He keeps saying the minute I come home, his 'thoughts' will stop. Obviously I'm not daft and have told him they need resolving and me coming back would absolutely not fix anything. It would just be putting to bed this anxiety/paranoia he has but not addressing it.

Am I in the wrong here? I have left him. I didn't quite expect it to turn out like this but I always knew he would be hurt by it.

I also do feel for him as he has no one else to really turn too. His family are useless to be blunt and his friends have been there but to be honest....they are a bit fed up of him now. It's been almost 3 months since I left which seems like forever ago now.

What do I do? Be there for him more which I turn is not doing me anything favours? I am also in therapy too and my therapist has said I need to 'grey rock' him but that is so hard to do.

Im going to go against everyone else. Whatever your problems, you are being very unfair. Everytime you speak to him, listen to him, advise him, help him, you are giving him the hope that you're going to return. That doesn't help him to move on or, if your intention is to reunite, to make the changes you require for a happy marriage. You need to make a clean break so he can get onto an even keel and if you then want to explore getting back together, you can both do it from positions of strength so you're both more likely to make good decisions rather than needy ones.

I don't think the OP is being unfair at all. He's refusing to listen and badgering her in the hope that she'll give in and come back. It's the emotional equivalent of repeatedly banging the hoover to dislodge the blockage. From his perspective his domestic appliance is malfunctioning and he needs it up and running again because who else will run the house and do all the childcare?

OP, change your number and tell him you are filing for divorce and that it's email contact only for access arrangements for your DS. Put in a claim for child maintenance.

He's badgering her because he thinks there's hope because the op keeps engaging with him. The only way to get him to move on is to stop engaging.

@madisonbridges

Im going to go against everyone else. Whatever your problems, you are being very unfair. Everytime you speak to him, listen to him, advise him, help him, you are giving him the hope that you're going to return. That doesn't help him to move on or, if your intention is to reunite, to make the changes you require for a happy marriage. You need to make a clean break so he can get onto an even keel and if you then want to explore getting back together, you can both do it from positions of strength so you're both more likely to make good decisions rather than needy ones.

That's what I have been trying to do! I have been firm with him. He just chooses what he wants to hear. It's a scary situation for me. I have to be very careful.

@billy1966

OP, I think I remember you from October.

Were you supposed to look after his children whilst somehow working fulltime and your parents are very supportive?

I remember your husband was awful and indeed you were very young and being used as a skivvy.

Are you much younger than him? Early 20's?

Hi, no that's not me and not my age group. Probably a similar situation through by the sounds

@Ohbotherpiglet

I had an ex who reacted similarly (much less serious relationship though). And I would suggest to try and find your anger. Because for me, I had been telling him I was unhappy for months, I had explained why I was leaving. And then he either didn’t listen or didn’t believe me when I said I was unhappy and that he thought my reasons weren’t enough to leave and the only reason I would leave is because I was after someone else.

I also found out a while later the day after we had broken up he had slept with someone else, so I did wonder how much was guilty projection. Could be the same with your ex.

Yes I have my suspicions he has maybe not slept with someone else but has definitely been in touch with other women. So very hypocritical

@ChargingBuck

OP - you need to leave this man properly. You are still in his life, & he is using that to manipulate you.

He just cannot see things from my point of view
Give yourself permission for this not to matter.
The ONLY person who needs to see your point of view is ... you.
You do not need his agreement, perspective, or permission.
You do not want to be with him - so don't be. Nip this ridiculous ongoing conversation about 'points of view' in the bud - it's not a subject you need to discuss.

I don't need him to be anything, I need him to be respectful of my feelings and give me some space but that's impossible for him to do as he's suffering with extreme anxiety.
You need a better boundary.
Boundaries are not about telling someone what you need & hoping they comply. They are about telling people what you need, & walking away if they cannot comply.
Imagine your boundary ("this is over, do not contact me again") as a brick wall between your ex & you. It is YOUR wall, you built it.
Next time he walks up to his side of the wall & starts talking at you - you walk away from the noise & back into your own life.
You do NOT sit on your side of the wall listening to him! - that's not respecting YOUR OWN boundary ffs!

All he talks about his how he feels.
All the more reason to block him.
You need to heal too, & start moving forward.
he patently does not care about you or respect your feelings. It's all about him, & how he has a you-shaped hole in his life, which he sees as your duty to fill.
Fuck that noise.

I have asked him to not contact me regarding our marriage as we just end up going in circles and not getting anywhere.
Why have you not blocked him? Guilt? Pity?
This is not a negotiation. You do not have to respond to him.
If he refuses to respect your stated wish not to contact you - you need to do it for him.
BLOCK HIM!

He keeps saying the minute I come home, his 'thoughts' will stop
Bullshit.
He will not heal until he accepts you are gone.
Be gone.
No more phone calls, texts, email - nothing.

Do you have a solicitor?
If not, get one, & pronto.
All comms via solicitor.
Block the ex. If he gets around that & keeps contacting you, get the solicitor to send a "cease & desist" & that ANY attempt to contact you will be seen as harassment, & dealt with accordingly.

Honestly OP you need to bite this bullet, or you'll be back here in a few months with emotional exhaustion.
It's also kinder to him. "Cruel to be kind", sure - but there are no words you can give him to make him feel better. He needs to find other resources, & stop pestering you.

Good luck ... & did I mention ...BLOCK HIM!!!

Thank you - I really appreciate the time you have taken to write all that!

I think I haven't blocked him as I'm maybe scared of what that may lead too. Maybe him turning up at where I'm staying - I can't quite figure it out but I know I need to do it.

I have all these responses to keep reading over and over. It's so hard when you are living it. You feel like you are going crazy. It's like mind games.

It always has to be another man in their eyes, doesn't it? The only thing that could possibly entice you away from your joyful life of domestic drudgery, lack of care, lack of everything simply has to be a different cock. As though you aren't an actual human being, you are just a moveable fleshlight with a cook-clean function that should be quiveringly grateful that you aren't being beaten up.

I'd get the mental defences up now - there are going to be messages 'to say goodbye', maybe outright threats of self harm, possibly lurking around near your home with claims of seeing a man in the house or stories of how 'you were seen out with a man' if you continue to engage with the wailing and grovelling.

If he knows what he did wrong to say he wouldn't do it again, he knew it in the first place. And still chose to do it - because he was such a prize, nobody would blame him for hitting you, too, in his mind.

Time to be less grey rock and more implacable iceberg where his pawr little feelings are concerned.

You're doing everything right, don't let him manipulate you or anything and end up being there for him more. 'I can't help you, you need to talk to your therapist and doctor, as they are trained in this and can help you.'

Grey rock and only talk about practicalities that you can't avoid mentioning.

He has issues to the extent he's annoying everyone, not even just you.

He needs to sort himself out and the only way he can do that is through therapy (and probably he needs meds too @maskedwoman - has he seen a GP? If not, he needs to. If so, he needs to go back and say he's still not doing as well as he could.)

Pretty much anyone else in the world can help him, except for you. He needs distance from you as much, if not more, than you need it from him. As much as you wanted to help him, doing everything for him is simply enabling his helplessness. So you be strong, keep your distance, and focus on healing yourself. As he must also do for himself.

@me4real

You're doing everything right, don't let him manipulate you or anything and end up being there for him more. 'I can't help you, you need to talk to your therapist and doctor, as they are trained in this and can help you.'

Grey rock and only talk about practicalities that you can't avoid mentioning.

He has issues to the extent he's annoying everyone, not even just you.

He needs to sort himself out and the only way he can do that is through therapy (and probably he needs meds too @maskedwoman - has he seen a GP? If not, he needs to. If so, he needs to go back and say he's still not doing as well as he could.)

Yes he is on meds and is having private therapy. Xmas hasn't helped as his therapy as stopped just as it was getting started. He's also waiting on a gp appointment for a review of his medication but there's a shortage of appointments so it's just a waiting game. He definitely needs more help than medication.

OP it sounds like you are trying to do your best by him but it's not your fight.

You seem to know a lot about his current situation in detail I suggest you stop being listening ear for this kind of stuff - he's clearly telling you so that you take him back... If you have no intention of doing so, end comms now otherwise you're making the situation worse.

If you are considering it ..please reconsider it. If the worst happens it's not your responsibility you can't be emotionally blackmailed it'll end badly for you and your DC. Your only responsibility is that DC you share has a safe environment when they see their father.

@maskedwoman Medication can really help, they can try different ones of the many ones they can try until they find one that does the most for the person.

He can call them whenever and they mightn't even need to see him IRL. He can call and say it needs an emergency/urgent appointment, which would be completely reasonable as he's not doing well. They will triage him and decide if they need to see him in person or if on the phone is fine.

I usually go for the emergency/urgent appointments for my mental health and I have never had to wait long for an appointment.

Just wishing you all the best OP. You sound exhausted by it all, understandably. You've had lots of excellent advice & you will follow it, I think. You probably will try a few more times to "help" him, you can't change your personality over night, but you will get there. You'll get free of this user. Best wishes to you

Dear OP,
First let me start by saying how sorry I am for you to be in this situation. I can hear the frustration in your posts.
However, I’m going to go out on a limb here as my wife left me 5 months ago after 14 years together, so I’m trying to see your husband’s side as well.
Let me back track a little…
My wife wanted space so moved out in July. I was left without warning; completely blindsided. I was devastated. Her therapist referred to her as a “people pleaser” too. Apparently, she put my feelings above her own, which must an awful way for her to live. But as a result, she never told me she was unhappy or that I needed to change or she was out. Before I get blasted here, I was under the (apparently wrong) assumption that all was wonderful in our relationship. Sure, we had been having a few weeks of having a rocky time, but nothing I considered a marriage breaker. I have looked deep within myself (with the help of a wonderful therapist) to find out where I went wrong, and I took the blame entirely. However, it takes two to make a marriage, and only one to break it.
My point is this:
Marriage is hard if communication is weak. I’m not saying that you didn’t tell him he needed to change, but I’m gently suggesting that if this is the case, then PLEASE, in your next relationship tell your partner in no uncertain terms if you are unhappy, or if your emotional needs are not being met. Not everyone is a mind-reader.
I’m still work in progress, but I’m getting there. Also, in my own situation, I have given her total space and not initiated any contact. I’m still devastated, but I’ll get there.
Your husband sounds hard work, and I can only imagine how difficult it is when he is still contacting you. He really is showing you a lack of respect. I agree with other posters that you need to strongly enforce boundaries of no-contact with him, but I respectfully disagree that you should run headlong into divorce. People can and DO change; I’m a good example of this. Not to get my wife back, but to become the kind of person only a fool would leave. If she comes back, great. If she doesn’t, still great. I will become a better person.
Sorry if I’ve taken over your post, but I wanted to suggest that you take your time before you throw in the towel. Maybe with time apart you will both grow together. Maybe not. But do take your time, and do go NC to help both of you heal. Please take care of yourself.

@Chinupandtitsout

Dear OP, First let me start by saying how sorry I am for you to be in this situation. I can hear the frustration in your posts. However, I’m going to go out on a limb here as my wife left me 5 months ago after 14 years together, so I’m trying to see your husband’s side as well. Let me back track a little… My wife wanted space so moved out in July. I was left without warning; completely blindsided. I was devastated. Her therapist referred to her as a “people pleaser” too. Apparently, she put my feelings above her own, which must an awful way for her to live. But as a result, she never told me she was unhappy or that I needed to change or she was out. Before I get blasted here, I was under the (apparently wrong) assumption that all was wonderful in our relationship. Sure, we had been having a few weeks of having a rocky time, but nothing I considered a marriage breaker. I have looked deep within myself (with the help of a wonderful therapist) to find out where I went wrong, and I took the blame entirely. However, it takes two to make a marriage, and only one to break it. My point is this: Marriage is hard if communication is weak. I’m not saying that you didn’t tell him he needed to change, but I’m gently suggesting that if this is the case, then PLEASE, in your next relationship tell your partner in no uncertain terms if you are unhappy, or if your emotional needs are not being met. Not everyone is a mind-reader. I’m still work in progress, but I’m getting there. Also, in my own situation, I have given her total space and not initiated any contact. I’m still devastated, but I’ll get there. Your husband sounds hard work, and I can only imagine how difficult it is when he is still contacting you. He really is showing you a lack of respect. I agree with other posters that you need to strongly enforce boundaries of no-contact with him, but I respectfully disagree that you should run headlong into divorce. People can and DO change; I’m a good example of this. Not to get my wife back, but to become the kind of person only a fool would leave. If she comes back, great. If she doesn’t, still great. I will become a better person. Sorry if I’ve taken over your post, but I wanted to suggest that you take your time before you throw in the towel. Maybe with time apart you will both grow together. Maybe not. But do take your time, and do go NC to help both of you heal. Please take care of yourself.

@Chinupandtitsout I really appreciate your input thank you. It's honestly good to hear things from a different prospective.

For us, I did tell him in the summer I was unhappy however he didn't listen. Towards the end of summer I became really unhappy and again took that as a sign that I was messaging someone else. Was very angry and I remember being very scared that night. I left the next morning only to speak to him that night and have him persuade me to come back. It seemed genuine. He cried. He promised everything would change. I was completely honest - brutally infact - that night and he was adamant he would change. We had a lovely weekend away but within 2 weeks of returning i felt exactly like I before. As time went on it became worse and my mental health declined. I approached him and I got shouted at. And that was when I left and haven't returned since.

I did used to try talk to him but I was always walking on egg shells around him I felt.

I'm so glad to read your story, it sounds like you have really taken on board everything from your marriage and it's refreshing to read. Thank you for your response - I wish you all the best.

Honestly, cut this shitbag right out of your life. Any contact regarding DC to be done via a third party - be careful he doesn't try to use his DD for this and support her if she wants to cut contact with him herself - the relationship between you and her does not depend on his involvement.

And don't fret about him killing himself - self-pitying abusers like him hardly ever do this (though there are often performative 'attempts' which should be ignored) unfortunately.

Don't encourage contact between him and your DC, and try to stonewall requests from him as much as possible. It won't benefit DC and might even endanger them. (If young DC ask, Daddy is too ill to see you...)

I think I haven't blocked him as I'm maybe scared of what that may lead too. Maybe him turning up at where I'm staying - I can't quite figure it out but I know I need to do it.

It’s a different sphere, but I’ve ridden and trained horses for years. I once said to my trainer that I hadn’t done something with my horse because I was wary of the outcome (horse can be rather explosive when they feel they aren’t getting their way). Trainer told me that sometimes you just need to set the boundary, enforce it firmly and be prepared to ride out the consequences as you wait for them to understand that some things are not negotiable.

As I say, different sphere, but I think it’s applicable here. You can’t live your life being scared of what he may or may not do. If he kicks off then you can deal with that as and when necessary. If he threatens self-harm, call the police and report it as a welfare issue. If he turns up where you live, call the police and report harassment. If he bombards you with messages, block him with a warning that you’ll go for a non-molestation order if he continues to try and contact you. Whatever it is, you’ve got this. Set your boundary, refuse to negotiate and kick on.

I’m not saying that you didn’t tell him he needed to change, but I’m gently suggesting that if this is the case, then PLEASE, in your next relationship tell your partner in no uncertain terms if you are unhappy, or if your emotional needs are not being met. Not everyone is a mind-reader.

If you actually read OP’s posts, she did make it clear to her ex that she was unhappy and he refused to listen. Please don’t victim blame.

Maybe we could turn it round - in your next relationship, make the effort to check your partner is happy and don’t assume that just because you’re happy that they are too. You don’t need to be a mind reader to achieve that.

"He used to ask me if I was glad to have him - a hard working husband that didn't beat me up and didn't cheat."

Christ almighty - that gives you some idea of where his bar is set for his side of the marriage contract.

His current behaviour is a desperate bid to get you back (the love-bombing phase) but men like that don't change. They have no intention of changing their behaviours. He doesn't want a wife. He wants a servant and life facilitator because he's a useless fuck.

It's important that you emotionally detach from him. He is not your responsibility. If he threatens suicide, call 999 and send the emergency services.

Do not answer his calls or messages. Concentrate on your son and making plans for your future.

He sounds a lot like my exDH. He also kept saying he didn't know it was such a big problem. I had communicated my feelings before, gently and calmly, but he didn't listen until I actually left. My exDH also assumed in the beginning that there might be someone else because he couldn't fathom that I would rather be alone than with him. Also, be aware that if you do go back he will forever hold this over you.

He won't change and his mental health is not your responsibility. You only have one life to live, you do not owe him anything. You tried, you did everything for him, even raising his kids, and he didn't appreciate it. Fuck it. Go live your life.

@WhatToDo1988

He sounds a lot like my exDH. He also kept saying he didn't know it was such a big problem. I had communicated my feelings before, gently and calmly, but he didn't listen until I actually left. My exDH also assumed in the beginning that there might be someone else because he couldn't fathom that I would rather be alone than with him. Also, be aware that if you do go back he will forever hold this over you.

He won't change and his mental health is not your responsibility. You only have one life to live, you do not owe him anything. You tried, you did everything for him, even raising his kids, and he didn't appreciate it. Fuck it. Go live your life.

The one thing I am certain of is I won't go back. Even if I wobble, I think of my DS and that's enough to keep me looking ahead. It doesn't stop it from hurting but going back is not an option. I would be absolutely petrified to be around him again

@AmandaHoldensLips

"He used to ask me if I was glad to have him - a hard working husband that didn't beat me up and didn't cheat."

Christ almighty - that gives you some idea of where his bar is set for his side of the marriage contract.

His current behaviour is a desperate bid to get you back (the love-bombing phase) but men like that don't change. They have no intention of changing their behaviours. He doesn't want a wife. He wants a servant and life facilitator because he's a useless fuck.

It's important that you emotionally detach from him. He is not your responsibility. If he threatens suicide, call 999 and send the emergency services.

Do not answer his calls or messages. Concentrate on your son and making plans for your future.

I have done everything I need to as far as separating apart from starting divorce proceedings. I've got all my stuff out of the house, removed all my names off the bills. Thankfully the house was rented in his name. There is no money tied up in anything so it should be a pretty straightforward divorce.

I don't think he has any respect for women in general. Why I didn't see this I have no idea. But then that's when love bombing comes into it and I was desperate to be loved.

My therapist has told me he is a total narcissist which I have researched and a lot of the pieces fit though I understand it's a term that shouldn't be used lightly.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It might be useful alongside your therapeutic work.

I do get why blocking him feels scary - at least when you're still talking to him you can feel like you have some control because you know what he's doing and it lets you feel like you will have warning of his behaviour to protect yourself. If you block him it feels like a loss of control and loss of predictability which is scary - like if you were asked to walk blindfolded across a room.

Trouble is, the level of contact you have is almost as damaging as still living with him - because he is actually the one in control here, not you. He is still controlling your behaviour and the way you are living.

The fear and loss of control of breaking contact does ease if you give it a chance. You adapt. If he turns up, if he kicks off, you call the police. That's how you protect yourself - staying in contact isn't protective, it's harmful and stops you healing.

You can't save him. You can and should save yourself.

That can't happen until you break contact. Leaving was courageous so you are clearly brave enough to take that next step, even if you don't believe in yourself.

Don't blame yourself. Don't feel bad or beat yourself up. I made the same mistake many years ago. I felt deep shame for having been such a naive idiot. Well done for facing up to it and having the strength to walk away and start again.

It will take a lot of time and effort for you to unpack this and heal.