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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This is unreasonable behaviour from H right?

129 replies

maskedwoman · 04/01/2022 11:01

I left him in October due to just being unhappy. He was taking me for granted and not showing me any love. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a permanent break up or just some time away but he has made it impossible for me to return - not that I think I want too.

He is feeling very lost since I left which he will because I did absolutely everything. However he has also become extremely anxious and pretty much every day asks me if the reason I have left is because there is someone else. There isn't. I have not seen, messaged, done anything else with anyone. I have left for space. I was exhausted and needed to re build.

However no matter how many times I tell him, he still constantly asks if there is anyone else. He has even asked if I have someone with me while I'm on the phone to him.

He is getting therapy now for his issues which is much needed. He becomes from a background of trauma and child abuse.

He just cannot see things from my view. I have told him we both need to work on ourselves individually before we think about a future - especially now all this paranoia has come into it. That's the only way I see it going forward. He just wants me to come back. He says he will change and be the husband 'I need'

I don't need him to be anything, I need him to be respectful of my feelings and give me some space but that's impossible for him to do as he's suffering with extreme anxiety. All he talks about his how he feels.

I have asked him to not contact me regarding our marriage as we just end up going in circles and not getting anywhere. He keeps saying the minute I come home, his 'thoughts' will stop. Obviously I'm not daft and have told him they need resolving and me coming back would absolutely not fix anything. It would just be putting to bed this anxiety/paranoia he has but not addressing it.

Am I in the wrong here? I have left him. I didn't quite expect it to turn out like this but I always knew he would be hurt by it.

I also do feel for him as he has no one else to really turn too. His family are useless to be blunt and his friends have been there but to be honest....they are a bit fed up of him now. It's been almost 3 months since I left which seems like forever ago now.

What do I do? Be there for him more which I turn is not doing me anything favours? I am also in therapy too and my therapist has said I need to 'grey rock' him but that is so hard to do.

OP posts:

Chinupandtitsout · 04/01/2022 23:22

maybe we could turn it round - in your next relationship, make the effort to check your partner is happy and don’t assume that just because you’re happy that they are too. You don’t need to be a mind reader to achieve that.

Totally fair. I messed up big time and the remorse is overwhelming. I have learned. I’m not wanting to hijack a thread, I just wanted to gently suggest the OP gives it time before rushing into divorce. I totally feel for anyone that is going through such a difficult time.

Good luck, OP.

1967buglet · 04/01/2022 23:53

I’m glad you separated from what sounds like not an ideal partner. My first husband was a bit like him….very needy, MH problems, emotionally abusive/unavailable, had me do all the domestics, not financially responsible at all so I had to work harder and more hours, and even after we divorced, he was calling my office and bothering me.

Grey rock is the right answer. Stay resolute, ignore his antics, stay in therapy and heal, and live your best life apart from him. When you start understanding how destructive people pleasing is (and it took me quite a while, and I wobbled too!), you will see how wonderful and freeing it is just to live for you and for your child.

I wish you all the best and take care.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 05/01/2022 12:02

Thank you for all replies - it's really helped and I feel more strong today. I just need to keep feeling this way but having this thread to keep re reading will hopefully help. I have my diary too.

OP posts:

Original poster

maskedwoman · 06/01/2022 11:03

I just thought I'd update quickly

So after all the constant accusations of myself having someone else, having to prove that I don't and making me feel an absolute nervous wreck....he sent me another message to say he's now back on the dating websites and he will leave me alone.

This is my husband that's but me through absolute hell.

I am seeing the positives in that for one I am ok - not crying my eyes out and feeling like I need him back. That is a huge positive in my eyes. I also really hope he will just leave me alone if he has other women to focus on.

But it doesn't stop me feeling so hurt. I left because of my mental health. And for the past 3 months, he has done nothing but put me down even further. I feel I have so much more work to do on myself since I left him and now he's just moving on to the next and leaving me an absolute wreck of a person.

Sorry just projecting. He isn't capable of change

OP posts:

StellaGibson118 · 06/01/2022 11:22

It's more likely he's telling you this to hurt you and will change his mind when it doesn't get the response he wants.

Also, people who accuse their partners consistently of cheating are often doing so themselves. Not always but it seems quite common.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 06/01/2022 11:37

@StellaGibson118

It's more likely he's telling you this to hurt you and will change his mind when it doesn't get the response he wants.

Also, people who accuse their partners consistently of cheating are often doing so themselves. Not always but it seems quite common.

I don't think he's physically cheated but I am quite certain he's been speaking to other women while accusing me of doing it.

I haven't replied to the message. I just think it says it all. I know he will never change. I am just realising now that he never really loved me. He just needs to have someone in his life constantly and I was a good catch for him being such a people pleaser.

OP posts:

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 06/01/2022 11:42

Oh gosh @maskedwoman, this just tells you exactly who he is. And he's doing it on purpose to try and hurt you. It's just another tactic to hoover you back in, hoping you'll get jealous and return. Ignore it. You are stronger than him in every way. You've shown that. He can't handle that.

And I just want to say to @Chinupandtitsout, you know, in literally EVERY break-up that I have been involved with or have had close contact with (friends, family, etc.), the man ALWAYS says it came out of the blue. They never saw it coming. But I can guarantee you that every single time, the woman in the relationship had been telling their partner for months/ years how unhappy they were.

The men just didn't take it seriously and then claim the break-up was 'out of the blue'. Maybe yours was different, I don't know, but going by my own experience, I doubt it very much.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/01/2022 11:47

It doesn’t mean he never loved you - just that the penny has dropped. That’s a good thing. But it will unleash dormant regret and emotions in you, naturally. These won’t last.

Now you can embrace your fresh start. However painful it might be for a while.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 06/01/2022 11:49

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit

Oh gosh *@maskedwoman*, this just tells you exactly who he is. And he's doing it on purpose to try and hurt you. It's just another tactic to hoover you back in, hoping you'll get jealous and return. Ignore it. You are stronger than him in every way. You've shown that. He can't handle that.

And I just want to say to @Chinupandtitsout, you know, in literally EVERY break-up that I have been involved with or have had close contact with (friends, family, etc.), the man ALWAYS says it came out of the blue. They never saw it coming. But I can guarantee you that every single time, the woman in the relationship had been telling their partner for months/ years how unhappy they were.

The men just didn't take it seriously and then claim the break-up was 'out of the blue'. Maybe yours was different, I don't know, but going by my own experience, I doubt it very much.

Yes!! I did tell him I was unhappy. During the summer months - it went in one ear and out the other. I was then accused of messaging other men as he had noticed I wasn't happy! Again I told him I wasn't happy and he promised he would change. Things just got worse.

Then he says 'it's come out of no where'

He also said the same to my step daughter who sadly didn't enjoy staying with us due to her dad. She opened up to me and her mum. She was trying to tell him for months she wasn't happy when she came to stay. And then when she finally plucked up the courage to tell him - with me and her mum by her side, he went mad and said the same 'it's all come out of nowhere'

I don't understand how his mind works. I don't think I ever will. But at least it's not my problem now.

Also just to add, he sent me a message the other day which could be seen as suicidal. I sent a text to his mum to let her know and her reply was 'I don't know what I'm supposed to do'.

The whole family are the same, just in it for themselves.

It is a relief im out of it, I just need to focus on my beautiful DS.

OP posts:

StellaGibson118 · 06/01/2022 12:02

I'm glad you're relieved and have your DS to focus on. Take your time with healing. I've been single since 2018 and at first I didn't like it but I've since learnt to really take the time to know myself and I'm stronger for it. I hope the same for you.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 06/01/2022 12:18

I knew there would be references to 'suicide' at some point. If you get any more, phone the police to do a welfare check (or some such, I'm not in the UK anymore). If you do that every time he talks about suicide, he'll soon stop... or get the help he needs if he's actually serious.

And just so you know, committing suicide is his decision. You cannot change that or be responsible for it. I know it seems harsh, but that's the way it is. You need to be firm and just get on with your new life with DS.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 06/01/2022 14:17

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit

It was a message in reference to his family member who he lost to suicide. Basically saying he knew how his family member left as he was feeling it himself. He was very angry with me that I got in touch with his mum and told me he was just feeling a bit low.

He changes everything to fit the moment.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/01/2022 14:29

Well done for contacting his mother.
Contact the police the next time.

You are well rid of this loser.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 06/01/2022 16:19

@billy1966

Well done for contacting his mother. Contact the police the next time.

You are well rid of this loser.

I will. I hope that's the end of it if I'm honest but I doubt it will be.

Its strange as I have been ok today, quite upbeat. DS made me a lovely pre school 'mummy' picture. I feel relieved I don't have to deal with his family anymore.

I'm sure it will maybe hit me when he meets someone new but I know the real him and that he is incapable of change.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 06/01/2022 22:24

I'm sure it will maybe hit me when he meets someone new but I know the real him and that he is incapable of change.

If/when he meets someone else it will hit you at first but you’ll then feel relief that you aren’t having to put up with his bullshit for the rest of your life.x

Original poster

maskedwoman · 07/01/2022 09:53

@LizzieSiddal

I'm sure it will maybe hit me when he meets someone new but I know the real him and that he is incapable of change.

If/when he meets someone else it will hit you at first but you’ll then feel relief that you aren’t having to put up with his bullshit for the rest of your life.x

Yes I hope so.

I stuck to my boundaries today. He wanted me to go round for a 'friendly chat'. I was firm, said no and that was that. I can see how I have become stronger compared to where I was before.

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/01/2022 11:16

His first priority is going to be to find a replacement domestic slave, hence the "dating" sites.

Also, the subtext of some of your posts indicates that you are scared of him. This is absolutely normal for women coming out of abusive relationships, because this is when men become particularly aggressive and potentially ramp up their abusive behaviour and aggression towards the woman who has dared to leave them.

Listen to your gut. If you have any concerns, please act on them. You can contact your local police and tell them you are leaving an abusive marriage and they WILL take you seriously. Then if he turns up uninvited, you can call them and they will come out to you immediately.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 07/01/2022 19:13

@AmandaHoldensLips

His first priority is going to be to find a replacement domestic slave, hence the "dating" sites.

Thank you. Contacting the police is something I haven't done yet but it's there in the back of my mind

OP posts:

Original poster

maskedwoman · 20/01/2022 09:15

Hello everyone.

I just thought I'd re visit this thread as I am now now contact with my ex husband. Today is just a bad day, I feel awful about it all.

I know he will is starting up a new relationship and as much as I will never go back to him, it's so hurtful.

I'm not going to get in touch with him, today is just a bad day and I feel wobbly so just hoping for some support if anyone reads this x

OP posts:

heathspeedwell · 20/01/2022 09:25

You are bound to have bad days, but you have been incredibly strong and you are doing the right thing to get this abusive man out of your life.

Is there something nice you can do to treat yourself? If money is tight maybe just get a nice book from a charity shop and put your feet up and enjoy it? Or go for a walk around the park?

You may be out of the habit of doing things just for yourself, but at a time like this it's really important for you to put your happiness first sometimes.

Original poster

maskedwoman · 20/01/2022 09:37

@heathspeedwell

You are bound to have bad days, but you have been incredibly strong and you are doing the right thing to get this abusive man out of your life.

Is there something nice you can do to treat yourself? If money is tight maybe just get a nice book from a charity shop and put your feet up and enjoy it? Or go for a walk around the park?

You may be out of the habit of doing things just for yourself, but at a time like this it's really important for you to put your happiness first sometimes.

Yes this is part of what it is. All dcs at school today and I'm feeling lost. I keep putting myself out of my comfort zone - I got a tattoo! And I've treated myself to a few things. I think I might try go swimming today. I've put on a lot of weight due to antidepressants so some exercise would be good.

I'm also going to be working with a womens charity who do courses to try build self esteem and also going to help me with a cv as I have been out of work so long. My eldest has sen - don't know if I ever mentioned that in my original thread.

I can do it, it's just getting over the bumps in the road

OP posts:

trickytimes · 20/01/2022 09:42

He’s not going to change. He is co dependent. Leaving him is the best thing for him. He needs to figure out his own life without you propping him up

Original poster

maskedwoman · 20/01/2022 10:42

@trickytimes

He’s not going to change. He is co dependent. Leaving him is the best thing for him. He needs to figure out his own life without you propping him up

I've read up on do dependant relationships which is 100% what it was. He just has the next one lined up to depend on unfortunately

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 20/01/2022 10:50

What a lovely update, Masked :)

You are doing exactly the right things. Your comfort-zone-pushing tatt & swimming made me grin for you, & working on your self esteem & cv with the women's charity is going to pay you such huge dividends.

More confidence, more you-time & more fun sounds like the perfect recipe. If more women found their true confidence earlier on in their lives, we'd be tolerating far fewer fuckwits in our romantic lives ...
Wishing you all the very best as you develop a new & loving relationship - with yourself

snapfishjelliedeels · 20/01/2022 10:57

LTB! Sounds like a right arsehole, he'll never make you happy. Just cut your losses

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