This is unreasonable behaviour from H right?

[maskedwoman]

I left him in October due to just being unhappy. He was taking me for granted and not showing me any love. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a permanent break up or just some time away but he has made it impossible for me to return - not that I think I want too.

He is feeling very lost since I left which he will because I did absolutely everything. However he has also become extremely anxious and pretty much every day asks me if the reason I have left is because there is someone else. There isn't. I have not seen, messaged, done anything else with anyone. I have left for space. I was exhausted and needed to re build.

However no matter how many times I tell him, he still constantly asks if there is anyone else. He has even asked if I have someone with me while I'm on the phone to him.

He is getting therapy now for his issues which is much needed. He becomes from a background of trauma and child abuse.

He just cannot see things from my view. I have told him we both need to work on ourselves individually before we think about a future - especially now all this paranoia has come into it. That's the only way I see it going forward. He just wants me to come back. He says he will change and be the husband 'I need'

I don't need him to be anything, I need him to be respectful of my feelings and give me some space but that's impossible for him to do as he's suffering with extreme anxiety. All he talks about his how he feels.

I have asked him to not contact me regarding our marriage as we just end up going in circles and not getting anywhere. He keeps saying the minute I come home, his 'thoughts' will stop. Obviously I'm not daft and have told him they need resolving and me coming back would absolutely not fix anything. It would just be putting to bed this anxiety/paranoia he has but not addressing it.

Am I in the wrong here? I have left him. I didn't quite expect it to turn out like this but I always knew he would be hurt by it.

I also do feel for him as he has no one else to really turn too. His family are useless to be blunt and his friends have been there but to be honest....they are a bit fed up of him now. It's been almost 3 months since I left which seems like forever ago now.

What do I do? Be there for him more which I turn is not doing me anything favours? I am also in therapy too and my therapist has said I need to 'grey rock' him but that is so hard to do.

There's not much you can do really. I'd go for as little contact as you can possibly get away with. If he does end his life that's not your fault. If you do have serious concerns that he will then I'd contact someone about it. His GP or the local crisis team.

Wow can't believe he hasn't seen his child in 3 months. What a selfish, self- pitying man child.
Well done for leaving. Start building your own life and I bet you will be much happier in future without him.

@Isthisit22

Wow can't believe he hasn't seen his child in 3 months. What a selfish, self- pitying man child. Well done for leaving. Start building your own life and I bet you will be much happier in future without him.

Oh he has seen ds, just with me there. He's only had him for a couple of hours on his own maybe 3/4 times since I've been gone

Your counsellor is right you have to go grey rock on him. You are feeding him the attention he wants despite no longer being together so you have to stop that to make him realise.

Grey rock is very effective because it basically stops giving him what he wants which is you thinking about him and worrying about him.

Stop answering the phone to him, no more FaceTiming and only communicate by text when you need to tell him something about your DS. If he texts you repeatedly each day don't get drawn in. A single text saying DS is well today, did x at nursery etc is good enough.

Once it becomes apparent to him that he is no longer getting what he wants from you he will eventually back off but you have to persevere.

Also, stop reassuring him about you not leaving for someone else or having someone else, it's non of his business who you see now. You are no longer together.

@maskedwoman
Only HE can fix himself or come to terms with his crap background.
Few people are lucky enough to have an idyllic childhood-
He’ll have to deal with his own issues with a therapist if necessary- You can’t fix him.

@arcof

Am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for this guy? He was " taking you for granted and not showing you any love" you state. Did you explain this to him at the time? In what ways was he taking you for granted and not showing you love? What was his reactions the other times you told him what you needed, when you were still there? Your comments about your parents are making me ponder if your expectations of how people show love might be skewed - were you expecting big demonstrations of love in certain ways?

I think it's normal for a partner to assume there's someone else when someone walks out, after all we all point to it when a man leaves. (I know men and women are different).

Is it just that you're not compatible and there's actually nothing wrong with him and doesn't need to change, you just don't suit each other in terms of how you treat a partner?
I agree he needs to back off, and I don't know how to make him do that other than to block him, this may be kindest to him tbh as it will allow him to also move on.

Well now it's going to look like Im drip feeding but anyway...

He has 2 other dcs (my step kids) who I did all the childcare for. They were dumped on me whenever and I didn't get a choice but to look after them. I love them both very much and I'm in frequent contact with my step daughter. She is a teenager and we have a very close bond. I didn't really mind looking after them but I was so taken advantage of.

He didn't help with anything round the house. Absolutely nothing. I even took his plate away after tea as he wouldn't even do that. There was nothing on the tv but football. He would gamble and spend money on football bets every single night. I watched no tv whatsoever.

He bought me next to zero bday gifts. Maybe a quick trip to Asda the night before but that was all.

He would snap at me, I'd feel like I was walking on eggshells. We had huge disagreements with moment. He wanted a mortgage yet wanted to buy extravagant things too. Would love to lend money to people also.

It was all for show basically. He wanted the outside world to think we had it all, and it did look like we did. But I showed absolutely no love, empathy, care to any of us inside the house.

My job was to look after absolutely everything and everyone. If I needed to pop out, he would me to take DS with me just to make things harder for me.

Then my mental health hit rock bottom. I opened up, told him how I was feeling. He got angry. Said he couldn't be bothered with me and I had annoyed him. So I left. It wasn't the first time he had shouted at me regarding my mental health either.

Wow....I feel better for typing all that out.

Sorry to drip feed...

Huge disagreements with money not moment....

Can I also add a suggestion here - your former DH keeps contacting you on your mobile so keep that number as one that he contacts you on and get another number for maintaining your day to day life on. Put the SIM card that he contacts you on in an envelope in a drawer and you'll check it once a day or once a week and respond to any questions about your DS and your separation/divorce at that stage. That way, you can prepare yourself for whatever messages he will have left you or sent you. It will become a regularised communication time for you and in the meantime you can start building a new life using the new number for you and your DS.
Just a suggestion.

OP, bear in mind that he could be laying on the ‘lost’ act to get your sympathy.

Amazing how quickly men lose that ‘lost’ demeanour when they find another woman.

Do yourself a favour and make a permanent break. It will be much better for your mental health.

You know deep down he won’t change.

He has 2 other dcs (my step kids) who I did all the childcare for. They were dumped on me whenever and I didn't get a choice but to look after them. I love them both very much and I'm in frequent contact with my step daughter. She is a teenager and we have a very close bond. I didn't really mind looking after them but I was so taken advantage of.

Cross post. No wonder he wants you home, he has lost his skivvy.

Well done for getting out of there. Have you posted before about him?

@LookItsMeAgain

Can I also add a suggestion here - your former DH keeps contacting you on your mobile so keep that number as one that he contacts you on and get another number for maintaining your day to day life on. Put the SIM card that he contacts you on in an envelope in a drawer and you'll check it once a day or once a week and respond to any questions about your DS and your separation/divorce at that stage. That way, you can prepare yourself for whatever messages he will have left you or sent you. It will become a regularised communication time for you and in the meantime you can start building a new life using the new number for you and your DS. Just a suggestion.

Yes thank you. I'm going to sort that out. At the moment I have his messages completely silenced so I don't see them come in. It's just when I check.

I have him blocked on what's app and messenger as he was checking up on me on there and asking who I was talking too when he had seen I had been online.

So poor diddums has had to take him are of his kids himself. Has he complained about that OP?

*care

@errnerrcallnernnernnern

He has 2 other dcs (my step kids) who I did all the childcare for. They were dumped on me whenever and I didn't get a choice but to look after them. I love them both very much and I'm in frequent contact with my step daughter. She is a teenager and we have a very close bond. I didn't really mind looking after them but I was so taken advantage of.

Cross post. No wonder he wants you home, he has lost his skivvy.

Well done for getting out of there. Have you posted before about him?

Yes a while ago. Though I didn't get the same response then. This thread has been really really helpful. I am keeping a daily diary and I need posts like this to look back on whether I have a wobble!

Very thankful as all responses have been so helpful

Yes a while ago. Though I didn't get the same response then. This thread has been really really helpful. I am keeping a daily diary and I need posts like this to look back on whether I have a wobble!

I think I remember your post and remember urging you to leave. Sorry you didn’t get a helpful response.

@errnerrcallnernnernnern

So poor diddums has had to take him are of his kids himself. Has he complained about that OP?

No, he hasn't really mentioned the dcs at all.

Like I say, I have a great relationship with my step daughter. We've all had covid so i haven't been able to see her over Xmas but we have an Xmas dinner arranged for when we have freedom again. There's no way I can cut her out of my life which may make it slightly harder but she means the world to me.

She rarely sees her dad anyway now which also explains a lot. We've had very in-depth conversations about him and she struggles with him too.

I've never bad mouthed her dad to her by the way. And i never will

I'm sort of amazed you're not absolutely rip roaring furious at him right now.

I mean, he says he'll change blah blah, but as someone else pointed out, he can't even give you some space. And I'm assuming some of that change is taking on more responsibility at home, including with DS. Both of those things are things he could do while you are living apart and yet, he's not.

If I told DH something and he banged on about it and didn't believe me, every day for 3 months, I'd be livid. And that alone would be a reason to end our relationship. He doesn't trust you so really, no idea why he wants you back.

Get angry because you are NOT in the wrong here. Then stop taking his calls and messages etc unless they are specifically to do with DS. Start divorce proceedings immediately (also, be prepared for him to accuse you of more and to threaten to take DS from you. But don't worry, 3 months of almost zero contact I think it would be pretty hard for him to convince anyone he needs to be primary parent).

Your update as to how your relationship really was is not a surprise and has made me wonder if his anxiety and mental health issues are real. If they are they won't be as bad as he is making out. He'll use anything to control you.

He doesn't love you, remember that if you ever have a wobble. You're doing really well, keep strong and keep moving forward

@maskedwoman having read your update I remember you posting previously. By the sound of it he doesn't give a shit about you or the kids, he just wants the appearance of being a good family man without any intention of being a partner or a father.

Please don't go back, he won't change no matter what he says. He sounds like he is lazy and selfish. What you were was the maid, there to make sure he never had to look after his own children or deal with mundane things like housework etc which was clearly beneath him.

OP - you need to leave this man properly.
You are still in his life, & he is using that to manipulate you.

He just cannot see things from my point of view
Give yourself permission for this not to matter.
The ONLY person who needs to see your point of view is ... you.
You do not need his agreement, perspective, or permission.
You do not want to be with him - so don't be. Nip this ridiculous ongoing conversation about 'points of view' in the bud - it's not a subject you need to discuss.

I don't need him to be anything, I need him to be respectful of my feelings and give me some space but that's impossible for him to do as he's suffering with extreme anxiety.
You need a better boundary.
Boundaries are not about telling someone what you need & hoping they comply. They are about telling people what you need, & walking away if they cannot comply.
Imagine your boundary ("this is over, do not contact me again") as a brick wall between your ex & you. It is YOUR wall, you built it.
Next time he walks up to his side of the wall & starts talking at you - you walk away from the noise & back into your own life.
You do NOT sit on your side of the wall listening to him! - that's not respecting YOUR OWN boundary ffs!

All he talks about his how he feels.
All the more reason to block him.
You need to heal too, & start moving forward.
he patently does not care about you or respect your feelings. It's all about him, & how he has a you-shaped hole in his life, which he sees as your duty to fill.
Fuck that noise.

I have asked him to not contact me regarding our marriage as we just end up going in circles and not getting anywhere.
Why have you not blocked him? Guilt? Pity?
This is not a negotiation. You do not have to respond to him.
If he refuses to respect your stated wish not to contact you - you need to do it for him.
BLOCK HIM!

He keeps saying the minute I come home, his 'thoughts' will stop
Bullshit.
He will not heal until he accepts you are gone.
Be gone.
No more phone calls, texts, email - nothing.

Do you have a solicitor?
If not, get one, & pronto.
All comms via solicitor.
Block the ex. If he gets around that & keeps contacting you, get the solicitor to send a "cease & desist" & that ANY attempt to contact you will be seen as harassment, & dealt with accordingly.

Honestly OP you need to bite this bullet, or you'll be back here in a few months with emotional exhaustion.
It's also kinder to him. "Cruel to be kind", sure - but there are no words you can give him to make him feel better. He needs to find other resources, & stop pestering you.

Good luck ... & did I mention ...BLOCK HIM!!!

I had an ex who reacted similarly (much less serious relationship though). And I would suggest to try and find your anger. Because for me, I had been telling him I was unhappy for months, I had explained why I was leaving. And then he either didn’t listen or didn’t believe me when I said I was unhappy and that he thought my reasons weren’t enough to leave and the only reason I would leave is because I was after someone else.

I also found out a while later the day after we had broken up he had slept with someone else, so I did wonder how much was guilty projection. Could be the same with your ex.

But I don't know what I can do to help without making my own mental health worse.

Reading this from your posts and it seems that despite having left, you are still looking for ways to help him. Please don't keep doing this. He is no longer your problem and from what you have subsequently said about him, is utterly selfish and just wants his free childcare/cleaner/cook/emotional punchbag back. He is not going to change as that would mean becoming someone else. Since he cannot take ownership for his own actions, he will not, deep down believe that he needs to change.

You really do need to cut contact to stop giving him so much time in your thoughts. What you do in your life now is no longer his concern - please keep thinking this and you can say it to him as well if he keeps asking. "That's not your business" has worked for me in the past. Make a list of the things you want to do in your life and a plan on how/when you can do them. Please look after yourself - eat well and get as much sleep as you can. Keep up with the therapy and eventually you will have days when you don't think about him at all.

Wishing you well for a fresh start

He says he respects me but his actions show different.

Exactly.
You have asked for space & no discussion of the marriage.
He has totally disrespected that, & by extension, you.

You won't even need Grey Rock. BOTH of you desperately need to be No Contact.

OP, I think I remember you from October.

Were you supposed to look after his children whilst somehow working fulltime and your parents are very supportive?

I remember your husband was awful and indeed you were very young and being used as a skivvy.

Are you much younger than him? Early 20's?

You just need to stop. Don't talk to him on the phone, tell him you will only answer texts which are about practical arrangements to do with children, nothing else. Stop having conversations. If the texts are about other things, delete them and don't answer. No more explaining, no more daily calls - as long as he has you hooked in like this he doesn't need to change, does he? And there is always a chance he will wear you down into going back.

a hard working husband that didn't beat me up and didn't cheat. - and really, this is the best he could offer about himself? it is like saying he should get a commendation for not being a murderer.