This is unreasonable behaviour from H right?

[maskedwoman]

I left him in October due to just being unhappy. He was taking me for granted and not showing me any love. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a permanent break up or just some time away but he has made it impossible for me to return - not that I think I want too.

He is feeling very lost since I left which he will because I did absolutely everything. However he has also become extremely anxious and pretty much every day asks me if the reason I have left is because there is someone else. There isn't. I have not seen, messaged, done anything else with anyone. I have left for space. I was exhausted and needed to re build.

However no matter how many times I tell him, he still constantly asks if there is anyone else. He has even asked if I have someone with me while I'm on the phone to him.

He is getting therapy now for his issues which is much needed. He becomes from a background of trauma and child abuse.

He just cannot see things from my view. I have told him we both need to work on ourselves individually before we think about a future - especially now all this paranoia has come into it. That's the only way I see it going forward. He just wants me to come back. He says he will change and be the husband 'I need'

I don't need him to be anything, I need him to be respectful of my feelings and give me some space but that's impossible for him to do as he's suffering with extreme anxiety. All he talks about his how he feels.

I have asked him to not contact me regarding our marriage as we just end up going in circles and not getting anywhere. He keeps saying the minute I come home, his 'thoughts' will stop. Obviously I'm not daft and have told him they need resolving and me coming back would absolutely not fix anything. It would just be putting to bed this anxiety/paranoia he has but not addressing it.

Am I in the wrong here? I have left him. I didn't quite expect it to turn out like this but I always knew he would be hurt by it.

I also do feel for him as he has no one else to really turn too. His family are useless to be blunt and his friends have been there but to be honest....they are a bit fed up of him now. It's been almost 3 months since I left which seems like forever ago now.

What do I do? Be there for him more which I turn is not doing me anything favours? I am also in therapy too and my therapist has said I need to 'grey rock' him but that is so hard to do.

You continuing to communicate with him and you pandering to his paranoia and jealousy is actually making things worse, for him and you. Listen to your therapist. No more talking to him. Get a solicitor, end the marriage, and keep moving forward.

Have you told him you don't intend to go back to him ? It does sound like you've left him in limbo abd he's obviously struggling to get his head around it.

Tell him you won't be coming back and start separating your lives, then you both know where you stand.

He’s only pestering you about whether there’s someone else because it would then in his mind absolve him of any wrongdoing.

“Of course she’s the one at fault. She’s run off with another bloke. I’m not the one in the wrong”

Perhaps you need to reframe this from 5he point of view of your recovery from people pleasing. My toxic childhood left me feeling that I could only relate to others by giving and making them feel good, safe, secure, wanted, whatever emotions were appropriate. The result of which is that I have pretty much been a prop, therapist, overgiver to other damaged people leaving me drained and, at times, completely ripped off.

It's great that you are in therapy. It's been life changing for me. However, one of the biggest lessons I have learnt is that you can't recover from your own issues whilst continuing to enable other people's stuff. Your exHtb is a prime example. You cannot 'help' him if it's making you drown. You need to be on your own and looking out for your own interests.

It's what healthy people do. They respect themselves enough not to carry other's issues. It's not 'selfish' to not continue to carry your H. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

He sounds very selfish.
He will merely revert to default, should you go back to him.
You should divorce him.

And if he's so convinced he's going to change then what's stopping him from getting on with it now.

Exactly. If he wanted to, he could have proved to you that he could change by doing it. But instead he's just using empty promises instead of deeds (the latter actually requiring some effort from him) and he's dangling the prospect of being a better person as a way of coercing you back.

He's also trying to make you responsible for his mental health and wellbeing and for him becoming this mythical 'better person', which you are NOT.

Make it clear that your relationship is over and that the only person who gets to decide or define what you 'need' is you.

He needed to demonstrate that he can take responsibility for himself.

Every single time he contacts you, he's demonstrating the opposite.

Have you told him it’s over? Because it sounds like you haven’t. It sounds like you’ve said there is the possibility of a future together, one that depends on you both changing.

You could just try starting by being crystal clear that it is over, no ifs and buts, and maintaining that boundary. See how it goes with some clear and firm communication.

If that doesn’t work then perhaps you might need to grey rock, but bear in mind grey rock is a technique for narcissists rather than people with anxiety.

You need to stop engaging.

Tell him you're moving forward on your own, and that you are not responsible for him, his mental health, or any changes he wants to make in his own life. He needs to do that for himself, not you, because you're out of the equation.

Tell him future contact must be done through your solicitor; make sure you have one.

It's the only way at the moment for him to get the message.

He just cannot see things from my view

Can you see things from his point of view?

Thanks for all your replies.

I have told him it's over many times but he just chooses not to listen. Then he will send a message to make me think...not all of them work but the odd some does and I start to wonder if he carries on with this therapy - he's just started it, then he could change. It's very hard when you've been with someone for so long.

I can clearly see what everyone is saying though. It hurts that he didn't change when he had the chance and I was still there. He says he respects me but his actions show different.

He used to ask me if I was glad to have him - a hard working husband that didn't beat me up and didn't cheat.

I feel sick, what did I marry. He just has this way of getting to me and that's what I need to stop.

@BendicksBittermints4Breakfast

He just cannot see things from my view

Can you see things from his point of view?

Yes I've left. I know it's tricky for him. I know his anxiety is through the roof but he is suffocating me

God this sounds just like how my friend reacted when he and his wife separated.

In his case, it was actually the start of a really serious MH breakdown / psychosis so the only thing I'd add (apart from massively disengaging etc) is to suggest he sees his GP for meds ASAP.

He won't of course as, like my friend, he is convinced he's not ill and if only you'd come back he'd be better.

But it's worth a try and / or making sure that anyone who will be supporting him (parents / friends / siblings) are aware that this is a strong possibility.

@BendicksBittermints4Breakfast

He just cannot see things from my view

Can you see things from his point of view?

She has no need to. She has ended their relationship and is now trying to get on with her life.

He is the one who is refusing to believe her, to allow that she has autonomy, is a fully functioning human being who has made a decision for herself!

As others have said, please see a solicitor OP and get all your ducks in a row.

Stop feeling sorry for someone who treated you like crap.

New Year, new start, OP.

However no matter how many times I tell him, he still constantly asks if there is anyone else.

He keeps telling you that he will change but at this very moment he’s showing you he hasn’t changed because he is NOT listening to you is he? He doesn’t believe you aren’t seeing anyone else and keeps asking you the same stuff over and over again.

Unfortunately he’s never going to change.

@FusionChefGeoff

God this sounds just like how my friend reacted when he and his wife separated.

In his case, it was actually the start of a really serious MH breakdown / psychosis so the only thing I'd add (apart from massively disengaging etc) is to suggest he sees his GP for meds ASAP.

He won't of course as, like my friend, he is convinced he's not ill and if only you'd come back he'd be better.

But it's worth a try and / or making sure that anyone who will be supporting him (parents / friends / siblings) are aware that this is a strong possibility.

He's already on meds and is admitting he is unwell. I am trying with his family but they are just useless. Basically the same as him and only out for themselves.

I am worried about what might happen to him. There is suicide on his family. But I don't know what I can do to help without making my own mental health worse.

@LizzieSiddal

However no matter how many times I tell him, he still constantly asks if there is anyone else.

He keeps telling you that he will change but at this very moment he’s showing you he hasn’t changed because he is NOT listening to you is he? He doesn’t believe you aren’t seeing anyone else and keeps asking you the same stuff over and over again.

Unfortunately he’s never going to change.

I've had the question asked to me almost every single day for the 3 months. He thinks he can hear this mystery man I have in the background. All I have done is keep repeating myself that I have no interest in finding anyone else and I'm focusing on my own mental well being.

All I have done is keep repeating myself that I have no interest in finding anyone else and I'm focusing on my own mental well being.

No there is something else you can do, if he asks that question again you say “I’ve answered that question, I’m not answering it again. You’re being totally unreasonable asking me that everyday, so stop it”

Do you have children or pets?

If not cut all contact and only communicate through solicitors.

Keeping in contact is going to keep picking at the wound.

He has a family to shore up his belief system - they will not help.

Only he can help himself.

@LizzieSiddal

All I have done is keep repeating myself that I have no interest in finding anyone else and I'm focusing on my own mental well being.

No there is something else you can do, if he asks that question again you say “I’ve answered that question, I’m not answering it again. You’re being totally unreasonable asking me that everyday, so stop it”

Oh that's how I always start off with it, i get frustrated and he tells me not to be angry as he can't help it. It's his anxiety.

I know I'm being controlled by him.

@Gingernaut

Do you have children or pets?

If not cut all contact and only communicate through solicitors.

Keeping in contact is going to keep picking at the wound.

He has a family to shore up his belief system - they will not help.

Only he can help himself.

Yes a DS together. He hasn't really asked how DS is, doesn't ask after him and will use DS as an excuse to speak to me via FaceTime. DS is only small so isn't capable of speaking to his dad by himself.

However I am not contact H at all with DS. He isn't FaceTiming anymore either. He hasn't asked to see DS (though we have had covid so he couldn't anyway) and I can't see him being in DS life unless I am apart of it too.

But DS is my absolute priority and one the many reasons i left. I'm well aware of surroundings you have as a child can have a huge negative impact on adult life. So if H isn't involved in DS then I know that's not the worst thing in the world...sadly

@picklemewalnuts

He needed to demonstrate that he can take responsibility for himself.

Every single time he contacts you, he's demonstrating the opposite.

Yes I have told him I am not responsible for him, he's responsible for himself. He only chooses what he wants to hear unfortunately.

Ok, another suggestion. Tell him that you've answered the other man question over and over, so from now on, whenever he asks it, you will just end the call immediately. And do it. It will probably take a few goes and you'll get him calling back repeatedly, but it will be you asserting your boundary that you simply will not keep answering that question, anxiety or no anxiety.

Am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for this guy? He was " taking you for granted and not showing you any love" you state. Did you explain this to him at the time? In what ways was he taking you for granted and not showing you love? What was his reactions the other times you told him what you needed, when you were still there?
Your comments about your parents are making me ponder if your expectations of how people show love might be skewed - were you expecting big demonstrations of love in certain ways?

I think it's normal for a partner to assume there's someone else when someone walks out, after all we all point to it when a man leaves. (I know men and women are different).

Is it just that you're not compatible and there's actually nothing wrong with him and doesn't need to change, you just don't suit each other in terms of how you treat a partner?
I agree he needs to back off, and I don't know how to make him do that other than to block him, this may be kindest to him tbh as it will allow him to also move on.