Gentle goodbye nudges

[NameChangeCity123]

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored

TIA

I just say, 'I'm so sorry to kick you out but DD and I need to have a nap now but thanks so much for coming.' When it's family & friends I find it's way easier to be blunt and just say they need to go. I hate people that overstay their welcome anyway. Why can't DH say something, it's his mum

How long do your family visit for? Is there an element of competing for baby's time?

You might want to have a read of this, I think there's a few red flags here over & above MIL outstaying her welcome. It sounds like your DH has been conditioned not to stand up to his DM. She will manipulate to destroy your marriage if he doesn't get help for his enmeshment & sets better boundaries. Watched my own Narc DM do it over again with DB

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/202003/sons-narcissistic-mothers

@RantyAunty

How often is she coming around and what on earth is she doing for 8 hours?

I hope you're not the one running around making drinks and food for them?

Oh and how did you end up living 10 minutes from her?

We used to live a 5 minute drive from mine.. Now it's 40

@HighlandCowbag

Just say that you are going for a shower and to have an early night while she is keeping dh company. And disappear upstairs. Leave snacks at the side of your bed and a good book and make the most of some peace and quiet. If baby bottle fed leave baby downstairs if you want, if not say taking baby to bed.

If dh complains give him a raised eyebrow and say you hope he isn't putting his dm before his wife who is still recovering from pregnancy and giving birth and obviously it's his mum, his invitation and his responsibility to entertain.

I think you (and others) are right in that I should push it back on to him

I was annoyed as previously I had said she couldn't come to us as DH is working from home and we have a small 2 bed flat so not much room for privacy etc. I had also said this to my own family and have met them outside the house too so not just his mum. He said no it's fine she can come so I now feel I have lost the bit of control I had over her not coming here. She used to be bad for 'just popping round' before I said to stop and she would again stay for ages. I fear this will start again

It's insane that a grown woman is crying over something so trivial. I can think of only two reasons - one is that she's depressed, and that needs addressing as a problem, or that she's deliberately manipulative, and that needs dealing with too. What shouldn't happen is that it goes on unchallenged or unaddressed.

You and your DH (mainly DH) need to be honest. 'Well MIL, it's been lovely seeing you, we're going to have some time to ourselves now'... sweeten her up by asking when she'll be over next while ushering her to get her bag/coat/shoes.

Then follow with chatter about good luck at x event you have planned, or have fun at the bingo etc etc, while getting her coat

Missing the point of the thread, but have fun at the bingo?! Talk about casual ageism. My mum was 50 (the age I am now) when she became a grandmother, and I am PMSL at the idea of her playing Bingo even now, never mind then.

Maybe she’s lonely and enjoys your company OP.

@WhiteXmas21

I see that you don’t want to be rude , but it seems that your MIL has no such compunction. I have had this with relatives visiting for morning coffee ( a surprise visit) then sitting around until mid afternoon. I just say, ‘well hate to push you out but I have things I must do. Lovely to see you’ and I left it to DH. If it were my family, I would just tell them …

That's exactly it/ my family are much the same as me and feel a few hours is enough and never have to be asked to leave it's not that I dislike my mil I just find that much time with anyone one too much

My MIL is similar. Loves spending extended time with DH, not really interested in the GCS or me. I've bathed the kids, put them all to bed and she will still be there. Now DH is very specific with invites, he'll say come over about 4, but we must be done by 7 at the latest as we plans. This works well. It's very specific and she hasn't been offended. Stops me stressing. Good luck.

Otherwise, OP, yes you should push it back on to him. Do your nice and polite bit, then withdraw and let him spend the rest of the day with her. He won't do it for long.

@FirewomanSam

I went to an early evening drinks party once and was told it ended at 9pm. At 9pm on the dot the hosts went round and took glasses out of people’s hands (whether empty or not), said goodbye, and ushered everyone out of the door. Part of me thought it was a bit much but part of me respected them for being so clear with their boundaries.

I find that most people understand the universal signal for ‘it’s time to go’: you look around, sigh and kind of slap your thighs and say ‘right! Well, it’s been lovely to see you…’ then stand up. They normally follow suit. It sounds like your MIL needs telling more explicitly than that, though.

If you need to get baby ready for bed then maybe you can say something like ‘we need to do bedtime now, so shall we say goodbye now?’ then leave her to show herself out?

Yeah I definitely think it could be useful to get the baby involved and 'say good night'

@SalveVagina

Then follow with chatter about good luck at x event you have planned, or have fun at the bingo etc etc, while getting her coat

Missing the point of the thread, but have fun at the bingo?! Talk about casual ageism. My mum was 50 (the age I am now) when she became a grandmother, and I am PMSL at the idea of her playing Bingo even now, never mind then.

Shall we go with "have fun at the sex orgy rave" perhaps?

Make plans (or just pretend to). Tell her when you arrange for her to visit, or when she pops over then tell her again when she's at your house. "It's been lovely seeing you, but we've got to be at X for X time. DH will call you later/tomorrow."
Be firm.

@AsymQuestion

Tell him to stop it. Stop asking her over when you've just sat for 9 hours unable to do the things you want and need to when you have a new baby. Tell him you're mentally exhausted of hosting for long hours when you're tired. Remind him you make regular visits to her and that she has no reason to cry because she has plenty of quality time. Tell him it's the sheer length of time that is unreasonable and stifling.

I feel for you, that would drive me mad.

I have told him and he said it's because she sees baby less than my mum. This is true but on all honesty my mum lives in our street and sees us often but for short durations. Mil has also seen baby every single time she has asked to so I feel this is over the top and again, She is 10 mins away so not like she's making a journey

Be clear before she come 'love to see you next Wednesday but I need to nip out or do something at 3pm'

If she doesn't get the hint you might need to be more blunt on the day and say I need to get some bits done so will catch up tomorrow and shimmy to the door

@DoThePropeller

My favourite with my in-laws is “would you like a cup of tea before you go?” About an hour before I want them to leave. Have cuppa. Usher them out the door.

Definitely going to be clearer in this with the last drink being offered

to DH "how lovely that your mum is here, you and she can have a LOVELY time with the baby while I go shopping/out to meet my friends/pick up a strange man in a bar... oh by he way he's a bit stinky and needs a nappy change"

"Lovely to see you MIL, I'll still be upstairs with the baby when you go so I'll say my goodbyes now" Then go and relax upstairs and leave her to your DH. Before bedtime try some variation on "You don't mind if I get on with some things do you? While DH entertains you? I knew you wouldn't mind, that's the great thing about family, no need to stand on ceremony. Help yourself to tea or get DH to do it. Call me before you go so I can say bye."

How often is she doing this? It would drive me mad.

There's 'not being rude' and there's 'being a doormat.'
This is what we're all fighting against for our daughters 'being kind.'
No.
Stop 'being kind' when it impacts negatively on yourself. Men don't do it.

She is being rude. She's being rude outstaying her welcome. She's being rude crying to get what she wants. Your dh is being rude inviting her over without checking with you.

They have left you with no choice.

It's your house, you don't want her there. She doesn't get to stay. Simple.

@wineandsprite that's a very silly thing to say. What that poster said was a prime example of 'casual ageism'. If a poster had been referring to a woman and said she should go and mop a floor or bake a cake, she'd be rightly lambasted for 'casual sexism'. Ageism is no better.

@godmum56

to DH "how lovely that your mum is here, you and she can have a LOVELY time with the baby while I go shopping/out to meet my friends/pick up a strange man in a bar... oh by he way he's a bit stinky and needs a nappy change"

I like this!

After a few 12 hour stints of people who never knew when to leave, I resorted to getting their coats, opening the door, & say that we had to go out. Still they didn’t get up until I actually opened my front door. It was so exhausting that I just no longer invite them round.