Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
AsymQuestion · 03/01/2022 17:32

I also agree with Rosemary, after an hour or two or whenever you are reaching your limit, stand up and potter off, have a project handy, a job upstairs, in kitchen or simply wander off, have a shower etc. Leave DH to it, leave baby, pop in and out if you like, go about your business. Like Rosemary said, if he wants to sit making her tea for 9 hours I'll eat my hat, I bet he doesn't.

Warmduscher · 03/01/2022 17:32

@Suzanne999

Would you like to use the bathroom before you leave? Or Would you like a cup of tea before you leave?

I like the European countries that have a set thing you serve when you want guests to leave. I think we should start this in Britain

What things do they serve? I’m curious!
Ameanstreakamilewide · 03/01/2022 17:32

@NameChangeCity123

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

My sil says 'one more cuppa before you shoot off'.
NellieBertram · 03/01/2022 17:34

I'd be a but annoyed if my mum came round to see me and then my DH started trying to hassle her out.

If your DH is enjoying spending time with his mum, can't you use the time to get on with your own things?
Have a bath, read a book, go shopping, watch TV in another room?

If she's local and there all day then you don't both need to sit with her for hours - let DH & his mum chat and look after the baby.

Newyearoldyou · 03/01/2022 17:34

Op it's absolutely not rude to take the baby and yourself out of the room!
I'm staggered you think it's rude and not to think it's rude to your baby to keep him up because granny is in the room??

Remove yourself. Let dh have quality time with mum (🤣) and do your own thing.

And no it wouldn't be rude if your dp left the room after sitting and saying hi to your family!!

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:36

@TooWicked

You need to be clear with your DH...

"DH, your mother and I are never going to get along while she continues to outstay her welcome in our home. It makes me feel frustrated, resentful, and makes me not want to spend any time with her. The direction my relationship with your mother takes from this point forward is all down to you. I've told you my feelings. You can now sort this out once and for all, or accept that I will never 'get along' with her, I will merely tolerate her and at some point I will blow up".

Quite frustrated as when she phoned him crying after last time (after I text her and said she needs to leave by x time in future) we agreed that if she asked us for tea etc that DH and DS would go so I'm quite annoyed that now he has invited her here
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:36

@wineandsprite

It's not rude to say "Anyway, it's been lovely having you but we really need to get on with the day now, but I was thinking I would come over for a chat on Thursday afternoon if that's okay with you? Great. I will walk you to the car!"
I like the idea of a wee 'next time' dropped in Smile
OP posts:
Joystir59 · 03/01/2022 17:37

I'd really be reminding her that it's time for her to go, as her ds has explained, so you'll just get her coat and thank her for popping in, and say it's great that she lives near as it means she can come easily and frequently for a short and you'll enjoy seeing her next time

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:37

@junglejane66

Take her to Crazy Golf, a la Father Stone
Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:37

[quote iklboo]'Quick! You need to go before we summon The Dark Lord for

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 03/01/2022 17:37

@TooWicked

You need to be clear with your DH...

"DH, your mother and I are never going to get along while she continues to outstay her welcome in our home. It makes me feel frustrated, resentful, and makes me not want to spend any time with her. The direction my relationship with your mother takes from this point forward is all down to you. I've told you my feelings. You can now sort this out once and for all, or accept that I will never 'get along' with her, I will merely tolerate her and at some point I will blow up".

This
ChiefStockingStuffer · 03/01/2022 17:37

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

DH says it's rude?! You've got a DH problem not a MIL problem! (Well actually you've got both)
Yep

Give him a hard deadline for him to get her to leave or tell him you will do this the minute after the hard deadline.

What an arse.

BrilliantBetty · 03/01/2022 17:38

I have the same issue with my FIL (split from mil) he just doesn't take any hints. There is no point trying to hint, he doesn't get it.

I now say, 'ok right, have you finished your tea? I'll need to be getting on with things now, I'll get the DC to come down and say goodby to you now and we will all see eachother again soon. '

NellieBertram · 03/01/2022 17:38

If my mum or sister visits DH definitely doesn't sit in with us for hours!

Might have a cup of tea and a chat but then he gets on with his own stuff.

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/01/2022 17:38

You need to tell your husband that one of you is going to be upset and if he prefers that to be his wife and not his mother he's got his priorities wrong.

Then, I'll get your coat MIL because we are busy with the baby now.

vintage21 · 03/01/2022 17:39

Perhaps she is lonely and is thrilled at having a new grandchild

MarbleQueen · 03/01/2022 17:39

ROSEMARY is absolutely bang on.

Put a stop to this manipulative shit from him.

wineandsprite · 03/01/2022 17:39

@NellieBertram

I'd be a but annoyed if my mum came round to see me and then my DH started trying to hassle her out.

If your DH is enjoying spending time with his mum, can't you use the time to get on with your own things?
Have a bath, read a book, go shopping, watch TV in another room?

If she's local and there all day then you don't both need to sit with her for hours - let DH & his mum chat and look after the baby.

It's her house. She is entitled to "only" have her MIL in her house for a couple of hours. I want to sit on my fucking sofa or in my dining room, not hiding away in my office or bedroom Confused Luckily, in this household, when one of us wants a guest out, the guest goes because you know, it's OUR house and we are entitled to feel comfortable and happy here.
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:40

@Minibea

I have this issue too OP - I’ve started saying “shall I pop the kettle on so you can have one last drink before you go” I then follow up with something along the lines of “no DD, Grandma can’t play that/watch that because she’s going soon” or “I’ll go and get the baby into his pjs so can can give him a kiss before you go”. It’s a nightmare though and honestly it is one of the reasons we don’t see her more because I can’t ever rely on her being gone at a reasonable time, which in turn I think makes her feel she needs to get every last second in 🙄
Thank you for understanding but sorry you're in the position that you do! Last time we went to hers for tea, we arrived at 430 and she didn't feed us til after 7 despite me feeling her that baby needs to be in bed for 7. I think she deliberately dragged it out so she could spend more time With him. Frustrating as she stays very near (10 min drive) and sees him as often as she asks to

DH is back at work on weds so she will be back to needing to make plans with me so I can start making excuses to go to hers for a visit and leave when I want to- I'd recommend this if you haven't already tried it. Much preferable to her coming here and forgetting to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:40

@mygrandchildrenrock

I offer a last cup of tea/coffee about half an hour before I want guests to go. Along the lines of ‘would you like a drink before you go?’ If they do they know they’re going when they’ve had the drink. If not I’d say a jolly ‘okay then, it’s been lovely having you’ and walk them towards the door! No last drink doesn’t mean staying any longer!
I'll try this and be more direct, thank you
OP posts:
Helenluvsrob · 03/01/2022 17:40

Pull the curtains. Switch off the lights and go to bed ?

MincePieandBaileys · 03/01/2022 17:41

I know how you feel!

My brother in law calls every week, and stays for a similar length of time.
He's a bachelor, and probably lonely, so I understand, but (without offending him), it's difficult to ask him to go.

RantyAunty · 03/01/2022 17:41

How often is she coming around and what on earth is she doing for 8 hours?

I hope you're not the one running around making drinks and food for them?

Oh and how did you end up living 10 minutes from her?

pinkyredrose · 03/01/2022 17:41

Your husband is more worried about upsetting his mother than upsetting you, can't you see that?

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:42

@RockinHorseShit

she then phoned DH crying and asking him what my problem was etc which I think is pure manipulation. DH is keen for us to get on, understandably, and has invited her tomorrow 🙄

Oh dear, this isn't good at all & suggests that you have a far bigger problem that will,get worse as your kids age. I'd suggested reading up on narcissistic mothers & sons

Honestly I was furious/ it's pure manipulation. We agreed that it would be husband and son to go and her see her moving forward which is why I'm pissed DH has invited her here after that. In fairness he did ask first and I should have just said no but I'm trying my best to keep the peace. I dont want my son growing up and asking why I never visit nana
OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread