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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:55

@Holly60

What would you say to your own mum? Can’t you say a version of this to your MIL?? I’m a MIL and I’d hate to think my DSIL or DDIL couldn’t just say to me basically what they say to their own mums.
Honestly my mum is 'little and often' in her visits- she comes Regularly but not for long durations. I would be comfy saying to my mum I had something in etc and she would leave. When I say I've something on to mil she then starts on about 'I could watch the baby' even if it's visiting someone else which I would obv want to take Him too. I like her as a person it's just too long, and it would be the same For anyone in my house for that length of time. It was working well with us going to here or meeting her out so I Could leave when I'd had enough but I now feel DH has opened Up the scope for her coming here again which I worked hard to stop. He's back to work on weds so hoping it goes back to how it was
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Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:55

@Neurodiversitydoctor

Stop offering refreshments about an hour before you need her to leave. Do not feed her an evening meal. Say " I would offer you dinner but baby kept me up all night/ we only have 2 steaks/ other random excuse".
She's definitely not getting fed cause honestly I'll never be shot!
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Hugoslavia · 03/01/2022 17:56

Have a cake to hand, a serviette and a paper party bag and then hand it to her and tell her that the party is over.

Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 03/01/2022 17:56

This woman is your husband's mother. Just like you are your baby's mother.
For goodness sake she is your family, let her stay as long as she wants. If you are tired go to bed and say good night please make sure the door's locked on your way out.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:57

@1FootInTheRave

Your dh is pathetic.

Seems like she'll give him the harder time so better to appease her than consider your feelings.

He did stick up for me when she called crying but I can understand that she is his mum. I wouldn't like him to refuse to see my mum and that's not how I want my son to grow Up but I really feel she is worth the watching and if it happens again I'll just need to say they can go to hers Without me and she's not coming here
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Mintyt · 03/01/2022 17:58

Mil you have outstayed your welcome, and we need you to go so we can get on, I'm not being rude, but you don't seem to pick up on my verbal nods that I've had enough and am ready for you to leave.

wineandsprite · 03/01/2022 17:58

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

This woman is your husband's mother. Just like you are your baby's mother. For goodness sake she is your family, let her stay as long as she wants. If you are tired go to bed and say good night please make sure the door's locked on your way out.
Please ignore this entire thing, OP. It's actual madness.
ParkheadParadise · 03/01/2022 17:59

Don't let me keep you
👋 goodbye 👋

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:59

@SwaylorTwift

Why can't adults be in the house when baby goes to bed? Curious.
I was using his routine as an excuse for her to go. I thought having an 'activity' such aS a Meal or walk etc would have a natural end point and she would leave but this has not been the case. As mentioned she's stayed for 8 hours before and until late night which is not something I enjoy.
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Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:59

@DoctorSnortles

I would say, ‘Shall we have one last cup of tea and then we’ll pop the baby in the pram and walk you home. We could all do with a leg stretch and some fresh air.’ Then you do just that.

If you don’t fancy the palaver of getting the baby in the pram, say your DH could do with some fresh air and will walk her home.

She drives to us but maybe he can walk her to the car 😂
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Newyearoldyou · 03/01/2022 18:01

Remove yourself and the bbay.
Good night Mil, he's been hard to settle so if I don't see you before you leave goodnight.

Obviously... If your dh genuinely gets on with his mum and can sit happily to chat regularly for hours, then.. This will back fire.

But otherwise... He will soon get over the need to constantly accmd her

RockinHorseShit · 03/01/2022 18:03

This woman is your husband's mother. Just like you are your baby's mother.
For goodness sake she is your family, let her stay as long as she wants. If you are tired go to bed and say good night please make sure the door's locked on your way out.

Are you mad, or just a doormat Confused

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:03

@ParkingDiagram

Reading with interest because I have the same problem. She will come for lunch at 12 but still be there 6 hours later.

Asking her to leave is a no-no because she’s very touchy, would take offence and DH would also be pissed off.

Putting on my pyjamas is a non-starter because it’s frankly weird at 6pm.

She’s made a few comments recently about never being invited to our house and I’ve told DH it’s because she stays so long and I find it draining but he’s not keen on addressing it because he doesn’t want to upset her.

This is exactly what I had! It was easier when he went back to work and I was on mat leave as mil had to make plans Through me. I used to say come at 10 but need To be away again at 12 as we are meeting friends etc. I'm pretty sure she actually followed me deliberately to catch me out one day- i was meeting a friend at a park about 25 min drive away and she was suddenly going to the Morrisons right next to the park. She passed a sainsburys, a Tesco, another Morrison and an Aldi on the way. I was glad as I have often made up meetings after her visits just to have an end point but it was genuine on that occasion.
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BeLessMe · 03/01/2022 18:05

Is it you with widowed MIL who is only in her 50’s?

ponkydonkey · 03/01/2022 18:05

I had the same with my mil
Popping over uninvited
Crying as she hadn't seen the baby 🙄
Staying well over her time limit of 4 hours!!

Any way I invited over one day and just told her straight.

The gist was:

I know it's your first grandchild but I really can't handle you being here all day... regaling me with your breast feeding story's of my now partner and telling me what I need to be doing with baby , it's not helpful and is putting me on edge. If you don't stop it will have a detrimental effect on our relationship and you won't be invited around at all.

Please don't take this the wrong way, the fact that I'm even having to say this to you is awful in its self, do you understand?

She did and left we now have a respectful relationship.... the father in law came out of his shell and gave me what for 🙄 so it was him encouraging her!!?

We don't talk at all now thank the lord!

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:06

@R0SEMARY

Oh and he is setting you up to argue with your MIL. He tells that you that he’s “ keen to get on “ and he complains to you you that she stays too long.

But when you try to get MIL to leave, he complains about you.

He gets you to text his mother for him and be the bad guy so you do his dirty work for him. He gets to be the lovely son who would do anything for his mother and you get to be the bitch of a DIL.

He’s NOT keen for you and your MIL to get on. He’s keen to create drama between you while he gets to be the poor bloke who wrings his hands helplessly while he is torn apart by the two women in his life fighting over him.

He gets to be the centre of attention while you both hold his hand and tell him that you understand how hard it must be for him , poor lamb.

You need to step right back from this game, I’m warning you now. If you don’t stop now you have years of grief ahead of you as he manipulates you both. It will only get worse as baby gets older.

I think you may be right and I felt I had set clear boundaries by going to her instead of her coming to us so we will see if She is any different tomorrow and if not I'll need to just put the foot down and say DH can take DS to her house and I won't be going. I'm at the point I dread her coming now and o honestly can't live like this. We are planning long term to have another child and I think I need this sorted now or she will see That as an excuse to come and 'help out' all the time
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Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:07

[quote LightBulbous]**@NameChangeCity123* I think he's just wanting us to get on. I'm very close to my family so always feel guilty*

Remind your DH that you won’t get on if he lets her behaviour build resentment in you. He needs to keep her within your rules or else you’ll end up resenting her… then him… and then nobody will get on.[/quote]
I agree and if tomorrow is not any better then it will need to be him and DS visiting her without me which will actually just be worse for her as DH is working and I am on may leave so she will need to fit visits in around his work

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Nathlash · 03/01/2022 18:07

@pinkyredrose

Your husband is more worried about upsetting his mother than upsetting you, can't you see that?
Yeah. Just say that you two ‘getting along’ depends entirely on him managing the length of his mother’s visits. If she overstays her welcome, she doesn’t get to come.
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:08

@ifonly4

Unless you've specifically invited someone around for the evening, I don't think it's unreasonable to put your pjs on if it's a regular thing and family.

One thing I wouldn't be doing is offering her a drink/tea, it'll only make her feel she's welcome. My BIL started turning up at 3pm without invitation - we offered them tea a couple of times, but I got fed up of it happening on a regular basis especially as they eat masses, so we stopped offering them drinks/something to eat - we get together by mutual arrangement now.

I had the same So stopped offering meals if she is there at meal times as I felt it would be seen as encouraging her to stay
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Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:09

@beastlyslumber

"If you're planning on staying longer, MIL, could you just load the dishwasher/fold the laundry/mop the floor/peel the potatoes..."

You can only 'host' someone for 30-60 mins, tops, when you've got a new little one. If she refuses to take a hint, give her a list of jobs to do. She might actually make herself useful. Or she'll take offence and flounce out. Either way, it's a decent result.

You're right! I think if I asked her to do things she would come less often
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ParkingDiagram · 03/01/2022 18:10

@wineandsprite So he would rather have you upset?

Not exactly. I have previously told him I feel as though he’d rather upset me than her, and he says not, but there’s a lot of FOG going on as she can be very bullying and manipulative with him. He’s an only child and she very much plays on the “lonely parent” thing knowing it will push his buttons.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:11

@NameChanged15729

Join the club. I’ve very nearly been driven to tears by this in the past. Mil lives around a three hour drive away and needs to be driven by her husband as she won’t drive it. Mil‘s husband is not dh’s dad and is a vile man who I can barely stand having in the house. When they visit they are here for hours on end, last time it was gone 8 by the time they left because step fil likes to get his monies worth from the drive Hmm. Doesn’t matter that we have two children who need routine and bed or that I’m 9 months pregnant and exhausted. Just continue sitting on your arse being waited on while creating more mess you won’t even attempt to clean up. Before falling asleep on the sofa for three hours. Sorry rant over! I feel your pain.
Omg in fairness I think you have a harder time with more kids and two of them visiting! So annoying. If I go to a friends who has kids I'll always ask if they will be due a Sleep etc in the time I will be there as I know what it's like. Before kids I would also tidy up tea cups etc and put them in the dishwasher or tidy away toys to try and help out. I'm sorry you're in a shitty situation too
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Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:12

@Newyearoldyou

Op I totally agree with everyone else, you have a dh issue. However you need to physically remove yourself.

Put the baby down, say goodnight and leave the room!!
Glance to dh.. I'm settling him please look after your mum and leave them to it.

I think it will get to that. It's such a small flat it's not even like I can put baby down upstairs For some peace. One time I took him through to his room fo change his nappy and she was right behind me. Ffs what is the need?
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stayathomer · 03/01/2022 18:12

I love everyone saying it's a dh problem- would you like someone wondering how to get rid of your mother?Grin

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:13

@Suzanne999

Would you like to use the bathroom before you leave? Or Would you like a cup of tea before you leave?

I like the European countries that have a set thing you serve when you want guests to leave. I think we should start this in Britain

I agree. You would think things have a natural end to them but apparently not for everyone
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